Chapter 50

**Lily**

I was looking at Matteo, who was standing in my living room. I was sitting on my couch, eating pizza and drinking wine with Emma and Norah. Matteo came knocking on my door earlier to apologize for his behavior. I was ready to listen to him, I was still too angry to hear his side of the story, but Emma and Norah did want to hear him beg and apologize, which is why I was sitting here.

Norah and Emma took their time, on purpose I know. They wanted to make him squirm on my behalf.

“So, mister mafia boss, what the fuck were you thinking?”, Norah said very rudely. I knew she was acting, but I also could tell that she was already getting under his skin. He wasn’t used to being on the spot like this. I saw his eye twitch slightly, and he was taking conscious deep breaths, making me suspect that he was trying his best to stay calm. I knew that the only reason he was tolerating Norah was because I was in the room.

“I wasn’t thinking. I acted on instinct.”, he answered. Great, but what does that mean?

“Elaborate.”, Emma ordered. I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like the cryptic answers. But I also realized that Emma and Norah were playing with fire without even knowing it. Matteo was thinking about something while he was looking at me insistently. Our eyes locked and I wasn’t able to break the eye contact. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to communicate, or if he was just thinking. I saw the look in his eyes change marginally, from happy to caring to awkward and ending with loving.

It stayed loving when he started to elaborate. Matteo started speaking while he continued to only look at me.

“I grew up in this family, and I always knew that one day I would take over this empire from my father. I trained every day, I learned a specific way of thinking. I also learned that the Bruno famiglia was the enemy. When they killed my parents, it became more intense. Then I met Lily, who didn’t know where she got herself into. I have this force in me that desperately wants to keep her safe. When we came here and her apartment was completely ransacked, I saw how much it hurt her, and it was the worst feeling I had in a while. But then I hear her tell things about the Bruno famiglia that no one knows, and she shows me a picture of her mom with a Bruno. We learned that her mom was laundering for Bruno, and it was so much Bruno for me that my mind tricked me. So many links with Bruno are suspicious to me by instinct.”, he told us.

I didn’t realize it, but somewhere during his story some tears started to roll down my cheeks. I could tell he was telling me the truth, I could see it in his eyes. I never knew what it felt like to feel love and anger at the same time, but now I do. I could tell this was the truth for him, but he still accused me. Maybe he didn’t know any different, but he still didn’t trust me when it came down to it. So, would I be able to trust him to protect me when I was in danger and needing his help? I thought he would, but now I wasn’t too sure anymore.

“Why do you think she was telling the truth now?”, Emma asked. She cocked her head a little and was studying Matteo. Emma was a star at this, she could read people so easily. It always made me a little jealous. And embarrassed when she would be doing it to me.

“Why don’t you think she is a spy anymore? I mean those links to the Brunos as you say are still there.”, she added. Emma was really trying hard to make Matteo squirm, and I loved my friend dearly for doing this, and for having my back.

“I don’t have any evidence if that’s what you mean.”, Matteo sounded unsure of himself. He was uncomfortable not being in control, let alone not being around the type of people that he was used to.

“If you have no solid evidence, then why are you here trying to convince her to not drop you on the spot for what you did?”, Norah asked him.

“I know in my heart it isn’t true. I know that this woman does not have an evil bone in her body.”, Matteo spoke looking me in the eye again. His look was unrelenting, and it was making me feel uncomfortable. He was studying my reaction to his words. His scrutinizing gaze didn’t light up at any moment.

“When I look at you, I see a kind, caring woman that wants the best for the people around her. Someone who loves with all her heart, someone who wants to be loved. I want to be the person to love you. I know that I have many flaws, and that my upbringing could not possibly be any more different than yours, but you show me to be open and forgiving.”, Matteo spoke to me. During his speech he dropped to his knees and grabbed my hand in his.

“Cara mia, you bring out the best in me, and I need you to be the best version of myself that I could be.”, he added softly. From the corner of my eye, I saw that Emma and Norah were watching us intently.

“I love who you are between the sheets, how responsive you are to my touch and no one else’s. I love that I can get you wet with my words only, and that you are daring to let go and explore.”, Matteo smirked. I think he knew deep down that he was halfway through convincing me anyways.

He took a deep breath, and suddenly I saw this nervous twinkle in his eyes. He leaned forward, so he could whisper in my ear.

“I love you, Lily Brown.”

“So, what are you going to do?”, Emma asked me. Matteo had left a while ago without getting a definite answer from me. I think he was disappointed, but that he expected that to happen. I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch. My head tipped backwards, resting on the seat.

“I don’t know. My head is telling me to get out. My heart is telling me to go to him as fast as I can.”, I admit. “And both have been wrong numerous times, so no clue anymore which one to trust.”

“What about taking time to get reacquainted with each other? I mean, you knew him but then he turned out to be someone else, so it would make sense to get to know him all over again before you decide anything drastic.”, Emma suggested.

“That way you can still get laid and keep him in the doghouse!”, Norah laughed out loud. I smiled at her comment. I was thinking about what Emma said. It made sense to do it. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye now anyway.

“I think that’s what I’ll give him.”, I responded. Emma and Norah nodded, and Norah grabbed my hand.

“Whatever you decide, we’ll support you. We want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy then we are all for it!”, Norah said caringly.

“Thank you, for everything.”, I said. And I truly meant it.

I woke up in the morning feeling tired. As a matter of fact, saying that I woke up was probably an overstatement. I must have dosed off a couple of times, but I was awake most of the time. I pondered over what I was going to do. What was the key thing that I needed to hear, needed to see from Matteo. Deep down, I knew what I was going to do. But when would I be able to trust him again?

Rolling over, I saw that it was only 6AM and I just groaned, rubbing my hand over my face. Then I just grabbed my phone and texted Matteo.

‘I am not ready to say goodbye. I want to know you better. The really you. Matteo the mafia boss.’

I was too nervous to wait for the answer from him, though he came begging. So, he’d better take what he can get from me. But what if he didn’t?

Given the nervousness, I decided to go for a run. I’d rather be doing something than just sitting here waiting for someone to wake up and text me back. And secretly I’m also hoping that the running will give me sanity and will help me stop mulling.

Coming back about 45 minutes later, I finally knew the answer. It didn’t stop me from mulling, but it did keep me busy. Showering kept me busy for another 20 minutes. But then I needed to see whether he answered me.

‘I will do anything you want me to. I want you to be able to trust me again.’

My heart jumped, he was all in. It made me smile.

‘What do you do all day?’

It sounded stupid, but I just didn’t know. Was he killing people the entire day? Was he shooting his gun all day? My imagination was running wild.

‘Not too much different from the ordinary CEO. Just my negotiations run a little differently. A bit more violently sometimes.’

It made me smile. It made sense, but then again, this was also just the beginning. Would he be as willing to answer other questions about more dubious topics? Time would tell.

I knew it was also a cop out, but I kind of liked having this conversation via text. He wouldn’t hear my nervousness, any tremble in my voice, or my awkwardness. He would also not see me getting flustered. It felt safe like this, but I knew that at some point I would need to speak to him about this.

‘What do you sell?’

‘I would love to tell you, Lily. I do prefer doing this face to face though. Can I come over?’

There it is face to face.