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It's my birthday so, here you guys go … ---- Chapter 24 Chaotic I did not follow Jared. I didn't get him back. I didn't do something about what I've learned. I did not give justice to my feelings for him. You can call me a coward. Maybe I really am. I don't really know what happened to my system and why. I was released but I did nothing for how we felt for each other. I am only sure of one thing: I didn't chase him not because Aldrin wished for it. It was my decision alone to leave it like that. I'm not just sure why. Maybe I am afraid of rejection. That maybe I am afraid that he won't accept me if I'd ask him to take me back. Is it my fault for him? Or maybe I'm already embarrassed to face him. I pushed him away again and again, I trampled on his character several times, the amount of hurtful words I uttered to him. Because of what I've done, I don't look like I can face anything more. Maybe one of these are the reasons. Or maybe all of that. The coward, isn't it? I don't know how I managed to live normally after deciding not to chase him anymore. My second year in college was tough. It was a continuation of my darkest days. Add to that the fact that I lost two important people in my life. Daphne left the country right after her vacation in Tarlac to study college abroad. I was shocked. That was not in his plans. Her plan before was to study college here! Something's off. I'm sure of that. But I failed to figure it out. I can't figure it out especially since he was separated from me for two months so I have no idea what happened to him and why suddenly that is. He didn't want to tell me why his plan had changed. I feel like I'm worthless sister. She never left my side during my darkest days but I wasn't even able to figure out what's wrong with her. I feel like he doesn't want to ask for help from others because he thinks he might be a burden. Hell, she will never be! But she is so uptight. I could do nothing but support him as he wanted. Leaving the country for reasons I don't know. My life is full of surprises. Take note, bad surprises. Like Daphne, Brent also left the country. It was the month of May when he told me that he's leaving for France days from the time he told me that. He said he would study there. Fashion design. I was shocked. First of all, is he leaving right away? Secondly, he will study there and I am not even aware of it ?! How did that happen?! I mean, he's with me almost all the time but I haven't even heard that he has a plan like that !? He explained to me that during the times before when he was out of our classes or when he ditches me on our hangouts, he was busy processing his papers regarding his plan to study in France. Wow. Just wow. My bestfriend is expert in hiding things. He apologized to me. He said he kept it a secret from everyone, including me, because his plan might reach his family and be discouraged. I was quiet there because I already understood him. Brent doesn't really like business administration course. He was just forced to take it because he is the only heir of their company. His heart is on fashion. His passion is designing clothes. His parents threatened him before that if he takes another course, he won't receive even a single help from them. So, he had no choice but to oblige since he cannot afford to fund his own education yet during that time and he wants to graduate in college. Yet in the end, he shifted course because it isn't his line. His decision to live with his dream using his own money proved me once again that you will never be happy with someone or something you do not really love. I don't know how his parents reacted to what he did but hopefully they will understand him. Not now, but hopefully someday. A pre-determined life is suffocating. He deserves to do what his heart wants. I am so proud and happy for my friend's decision and braveness but I cannot deny that it was also painful for me. I thought we'll graduate together. Like Daphne she has been with me since childhood. Being separated from him was depressing but because I knew that was what he wanted and there he was happy, even though it was hard I accepted. Now, I'm already used to it. I've already adjusted. Aldrin was the only one who stayed. I thank God for giving me someone like him. Despite everything that happened to us he stayed by my side. If he wasn't by my side while simultaneously ignoring the important people in my life I might have gone completely insane. His patience to stick with me, to guide me, to take care of me even when there is no assurance that he'll get a reward is what I am thankful the most. I know he told me he'd wait 'til I get fine again but it didn't happen anymore. On the process of healing, he gave up on me. He said that he accepted that we were really just friends. I hugged him tightly when he told me that not because I was hurt but because I was happy for him. I realized, I'm not worth the wait for him. I'm afraid he won't hurt me. I don't really know when I will finally be able to get out. Well, I'm fine now but I got a wounded soul and a heavy heart and I am not sure when it will be fixed. I don't deserve to be with a man as great as him. He deserves someone who can fully commit herself to him. It's not me. So I'm not angry at what he did. He was right to do that. My third year in college felt like a blur. I hardly remember anything. Probably nothing really good happened then. Fourth year was a very difficult journey for me. It was like I had just experienced how hard it was to study because I was the easy-go-lucky type of student all throughout the years. But I changed during that time. I studied hard then but not like when I was in fourth year college. I studied harder, did all my best to get that fucking diploma. And I got it. I graduated. I immediately got employed on our business as an inventory manager. I don't know how did our other employees reacted on that but I think they have no right to question my position. I have a bachelor's degree and I am the daughter of the owner so it's normal for me to work there. Chapter 24 part 2 Our business grew even more. It has even expanded its branches throughout the Philippines. They have also built a warehouse in Zambales so that our stocks can be directed from the port, especially if it cannot be transported immediately. Our business remained the property of only one person. Sole proprietorship. Named after daddy. One reason is that they failed to merge it with other companies. Because that's Daphne and me; because our marriages did not go ahead. My family's relationship with the Villacortas was tarnished because of Aldrin's withdrawal from our marriage. When the Villacortas announced to the public that our marriage would not continue and the rumors about my family did not go well, especially to me it was there that my parents were very angry, especially si mommy. Aldrin really had a hard time checking on me because my mom won't allow him to step on our house. He also forbade me when meeting Aldrin. Mommy didn't do anything later because Aldrin was zealous. The rumors about us eventually disappeared. Similarly, e. When the news is new, it is the center of conversation but after a while it is almost erased from everyone's mind. My family just didn't understand the logic. Because of previous issues regarding my failed marriage, I was never reconciled with others. I'm thankful for that. Maybe my parents were traumatized. It's also okay that people gossiped about me for a few months. And at least because of that I was never put in a difficult situation again. I just hope they don't try again now that everyone has forgotten that. Today, they are casual mommy with the Villacortas but their previous dealings with each other are no longer there. I pray that they would regain their closeness soon. I don't want them to get into trouble just because of our children. The Arevalo eventually severed their connection with us. It was like they ended their friendship, too. I cannot help but to feel guilty about it. I am at fault. Because of me so close friends since college are no longer ignored. If only I could turn back the time. I should have just kept my mouth shut when Tita Jene confronted me. I knew that was the beginning of it all. I made Tita Jene so angry that they ended up like this. My family was hurt. The Arevalo's association was too big. That's why I couldn't blame my mom if she's a bit indifferent to me since then. Even if we say it's normal if I don't really choose Jared then. Still, it was my fault. Reminiscing all that took place years ago made me realize that a lot had transpired. Looking back, I ascertained that I've come too far now. I almost never thought I went through and I went through all that. My age has increased by a few years. New people have been added to my life. The world I live in has changed. I can say that my life is back to normal now. Normal and peaceful. The dark days are over. But I can't deny that those dark days are also the happiest days of my life for now. Those times that I am with him. Chapter 24 part 3 How is he? I have no news about him for the past four years. I don't know if that was intentional or he was just really elusive. But if it's intentional, I understand. I really don't have the right to know his life now. Just once really, I couldn't help but ask how he was. Did he already move on? Of course, Thalia. What a stupid question. Is he in love with someone else now? That, I'm not sure. I'm not also sure what to feel if I got to confirm that he's already with someone else. The truth is that I don't know what my emotional state is right now. I admit, the first years without him felt like hell. But as time gone by, the blazing pain in my heart that felt like fire slowly quelled until it was replaced with coldness. In short, I felt nothing. Every time I remember him now, every time I think he has someone else or maybe he is married, I don't feel anything. Just a hollow space in my heart. So, if someone asks me if I've moved on, I don't know what to answer. I didn't really feel anything. But I hope I already did. One more thing, I want to move on, but I don't want to forget. There is a big difference between moving on and forgetting. I did not try to forget him. I don't want to forget him. I want to remember him for the rest of my life. Every moment we shared means so much to me. Even though it caused me so much pain. The times when I'm with him, back when I was eighteen, were the most memorable moments of my life. In a span of less than six months, he made me love him so bad. He brought different sensations to my system. The kind of sensations that were foreign to me, the kind of sensations I've never felt before when I was infatuating on Aldrin. Yet, the times when I'm with him were also the most challenging moments of my life because just when I turned to adulthood, fate immediately showed me how life works. And he became the instrument. Fate immediately tested my ability to handle life situations. The way I deal with boys, with a lover, with pressure, and with what I see. Fate gave me a lover to test my trust, to test my love. I failed. I failed badly. I don't want to lose the game as much. It's all gone, just don't keep my reputation. That's why back then, I always make sure that in everything I do, I am assured that I will gain, I will win. As for love, that's my view. Never mind not to fall in love, just don't get hurt in the end. It's not okay to choose someone I don't love, as long as I know he loves me. And at least ultimately I'm not misrable. I was a safe player. Just in case, because I was so insecure, I lost the person I love and I love you too. How ironic, right? I did not just fail. I proved to myself that I am one plain stupid. When I come to think of it, I realized that I was very coward back then. Aldrin was the only one I felt was pure admiration, I was fighting. I always defend him to myself when someone tells me not to. That even though I had heard a lot of bad things before about him, I wouldn't be affected. But when I loved, nothing. I am very cowardly. I don't gamble. I didn't defend him to myself. But maybe, that's really it. He was just meant to teach me how to love. He was just meant to be an example. That he and our experiences will serve as my basis for the next time I fall in love. Maybe I shouldn't have chased him better. He doesn't deserve to be with a girl as coward as me. He deserves someone better. Someone who could love him brave enough. Because I, I can't. Aunt Jene was probably right. I don't deserve their surname. Maybe this is how life really works. We can plan and expect things to happen according to our plans but things do not always happen that way. I planned to be happy someday so I chose Aldrin. But it didn't end up that way. Aldrin needed to let me go because he loves me. And me? I ended up being miserable. Maybe this is what I get for trying to control my fate. This is my punishment. I believed too much that I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul. But I am already here. I'll just stand by it. I'm hoping that right now, I already accepted that this is our embedded fate. Our embedded fate is chaotic.