Chapter 57 Letting go
LISA
"You know you've been acting unusual, right?" Tana asked me from her bed and I rolled my tired body over so I could look at her. "Why do you mean I've been acting unusual?" I asked even though I knew what exactly she was talking about.
I haven't been myself since three nights ago when Axel walked away from me.
I know I asked him to leave but I wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, to give me a reason to stay, to try to fight for us or something.
And then he walked away leaving me standing in the ember of my ashes, in the shattering of my heart. I wasn't sure how I got back to the hostel and ever since I got back to the hostel, I've barely been functioning. My routine felt mundane, boring and it felt like my life had come to a sudden and startling halt.
I was barely able to listen in class and once the class was over, I'd rush back home to bury myself under my duvet. I tried to distract myself by getting lost in programming and coming up with new security codes but everything I'd been doing was a mess. I just couldn't concentrate and it was starting to look like Axel took my sanity and concentration with him.
I was a mess simply because he honored my request.
"Well, just to cut the long story short, you're acting like someone that's dealing with a chronic break up, you keep zoning out, you keep staring into space and you've hardly been doing all your normal routines, you've been spending more hours on your bed and instead of sleeping, you keep tossing and turning as if you're in a very deep turmoil."
Wow, so I've been that terrible.
"So that brings us to the question, did you break up with him?" She asked directly and with her eyes fixed on mine and my heart skipped a beat. "Him? Just because you assumed that I'm acting like I'm dealing with a breakup does not mean I am. I mean I don't even have a boyfriend." "Oh, you don't?" Her eyes widened as she feigned an exaggerated surprised expression, "so what have you been up to with Axel Ivanov?" "Axel?" I tried not to sound so surprised, "we're doing a group assignment together and that's all."
"Really?" Her eyes glistened with an excitement that wasn't unfamiliar, "is that it, really?"
"Come on, Cayetana, you know I can hardly stand the guy. Have you forgotten our last encounter at the car racing? There's no way I'd be involved with someone like him."
"Of course, I mean he's intolerable," she suggested with her voice still sounding like she was amused by something and her eyes were glistening with that same amusement.
"You don't know about it, he makes me want to lose my mind 99% of the time I spend with him."
"I can only agree, his ego must have taken quite a huge dent when you put him in his place the way you did the last time at the car racing."
Good! I finally found something to distract me and it was talking trash about Axel who dared to put me in this position that I was in now.
"I'm telling you, his ego took a complete and total dent and the next time we saw him, he was acting all alpha-ish and trying to go caveman on me."
She laughed boisterously, "I'm sure it must have been a nightmare for you to be paired with him on the joint assignment."
"It is! I wanted to change partners but my professor insisted that I couldn't so I had no option but to settle for him."
"I can only imagine how bothersome it must have been to be working with someone as cocky and as insanely hot as him."
"You don't know about it, Tana," I was carried away now and I didn't even know when I pushed myself into a sitting position on the bed, "half the time I want to wring his head off his neck and the other half I just want him naked, hot and bothered and around me."
"I'm sure that an opportunity must have presented itself at some point during the time you had to work with that male specie that you wanted to see naked, hot, and bothered, an opportunity for you to fuck him."
"Yeah, we both don't want it, we both don't want to sleep with each other because we knew that's something dire and crazy but we couldn't help it, the attraction level between us was so mad and intense that we slept together once and it wasn't near enough."
"Of course, it wouldn't be near enough, Axel Ivanov looks like someone with a big dick energy. I'm sure you weren't satiated the first time and you have this insane and banging body, I'm sure that one time mustn't be anywhere near enough for him too."
"I guess and that's what we've been up to, we were what will I call it? Enemies with benefits? I'm not sure, just fuck buddies that can hardly stand each other's presence unless we were fucking." "Good!" Her smile became more triumphant and she clapped her two hands together, "so dear little roomies, you've been getting some from Axel Ivanov, the same man you claim to hate his guts thoroughly."
Oh fuck, I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it. I really spilled everything out.
"Damn, Cayetana, do you really have to use that sort of reverse psychology on me? And yes, I've been sleeping with him but that still doesn't mean that I don't hate him anymore."
"Of course, you hate him but you love his dick and what his body does to you."
God! My cheeks got heated up as the memories of everything I'd been up to with Axel filled my mind.
It's been how many days without sex with him and my core was already quivering with so much need and want.
And much more than that, I missed him, I've missed his presence so much it was making me absolutely miserable.
He had grown on me and I wasn't sure what to make of this new feeling, of this alien feeling that feels so much like love. Physical intimacy was something we could risk between Axel and me but this? This feeling that didn't seem platonic at all, this intense feeling that made it feel like I only came alive whenever I was in his presence was something I couldn't risk.
That was something unfathomable between the both of us.
"So you agree that he's good in bed?" Tana teased, that smile still in her eyes, "I don't even need to ask, your expression says it all."
"Stop it, Tana, we're not having this conversation."
"Of course we are, no wonder your skin has been glowing so much these past days. So you've been getting so much from Axel. Wow, that's mad, girl." "Come on, Tana, it's not that much of a big deal."
"Of course, it's that much of a big deal, haven't you been hearing the news on campus? People are talking about how you have him wrapped around your fingers." What? Students have been saying that?
"I don't have him wrapped around my fingers, we don't share any romantic feelings towards each other, we're just fuck buddies and that's all."
"But people have been saying a lot of things, things like how much he adores you and how he only has eyes for you. You know, all those things that a girl like me can only dream of. He apparently changes girls every other week or so but since he has been hanging out with you, he doesn't even have eyes for any other girl."
My heart skipped a beat. Was that true? Is he that into me that he didn't have time to live up to his reputation of changing girls like changing boxers? Hope surged in my veins before it slammed into my thoughts that it was just physical intimacy. Nothing more, nothing less. He had made that clear three nights ago and now that I've put an end to it, he'd have most definitely resumed changing girls he sleeps with like changing boxers.
"Well, they're wrong and they can rest assured now that he'll go back to his ways soon. That is if he hasn't gone back already. We called whatever is between us off."
"Oh shit," Tana muttered and in no time, she was beside me and cradling my hands in hers, "is that why you've been so moody lately? Because you guys broke up?"
"No, of course not," I cleared my throat to clear the sudden hoarseness away, "we were never in a relationship so we didn't break up. We just put an end to the arrangement between us." "Should I take it as a good sign that you're not denying that the call-off is why you've been in a bad mood?"
I said nothing, I just blinked back the tears that were starting to pool in my eyes.
"Who initiated it? Don't tell me it's that motherfucker because I would give a damn if he's the hottest male alive, I'm slashing his tires and kneeling him in the balls when I see him."
"Oh come on," I burst into laughter before it suddenly trailed off, "it wasn't him, I was the one."
"Oops, but why are you feeling this miserable when you're the one that called it off."
I couldn't tell her the real reason why I put an end to it and now, it was looking like that real reason wasn't exactly why I called it off. It looked like the real reason was that I was starting to expect more. To want more than the physical intimacy we shared?
"Oops," she muttered again in calm seriousness as she took in my facial expression, "you fell in love with him."
"What?" I sputtered, "no, I can't... I can't fall in love with him."
"You can't fall in love with him, not you're not in love with him."
"Tana, this is pointless, I can't love him, I don't love him, and..."
"But you've fallen for him," she interrupted calmly, "I don't understand why you feel like you can't fall in love with him but I'm sorry to break it to you is, you're in love with him."
I am?
"Is that not why you called it off? Because you wanted more and he wasn't ready to offer you what you wanted?"
That was... it was about right. Three nights ago, I had expected him to say we were more than just physical intimacy, that it wasn't just about the sex and if he had said that, I was sure I'd have stayed, I was sure I wouldn't have gone ahead to call it off.
"So I'm still going to slash his tires and knee him in the balls because why isn't he in love with you? Is he blind?"
"No Tana, it's not like..."
"You know what girl? You're right to have called it off, he doesn't know your value when he had you and now it'll hit him harder that you're gone."
I sighed in exasperation, "Tana..."
"And I'm not going to allow you to keep wallowing in this pity because of a descendant of Adam, not on my watch Bitch. I'm driving you to a bar downtown tonight and we're going to have fun." "No Tana, I don't..."
"I wasn't asking for your opinion Bitch. You're going to that bar with me tonight and nothing will change it."
Oh shit.