Chapter 42 Papa's Love
LISA
The words were out of my mouth before I could help them and while I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact of what I just did, he already pulled me into his hands to hug me protectively and soothingly.
I couldn't remember the last time someone did that for me when someone hugged me this protectively and made me feel seen, consoled, and understood.
It brought fresh tears into my eyes which made the whole thing hella embarrassing. I just confessed my biggest weakness to my biggest enemy and as if that wasn't enough, I was here crying on his shoulders.
I raised my hands to push him away but he kept his hand wrapped tightly around my body, making it impossible for me to move away.
More tears started flowing from my eyes and the situation that I was in wasn't even helping matters. My body was barely wrapped in a towel and he was dressed in a pants that did nothing to conceal his hard ruggedness.
And I was here sobbing into his shoulders. I tried my hardest to cry silently, not to cry and hiccup, not to embarrass myself further than I was already doing but that was so hard, it was so difficult, it was like all the feelings I'd kept bottled up had finally sprung out and I couldn't keep them at bay no matter how hard I tried.
So I was a crying, sobbing, hysterical mess while his hand started patting my upper back and hair.
God! This was so embarrassing.
I've never cried about this, never even allowed myself to think about it. Growing up, Papa had always seemed indifferent and nonchalant about me. I thought it was just my overactive brain thinking too much of it because I was the middle child and clearly, he was going to dote more on his first son and last child who happened to be a girl child who looked like the smallest thing could break her.
I'd catch him on different occasions playing with Tricia, doing things that were totally unlike him, singing for her and all. I didn't think too much of it at first, I just thought he was doing it because she was the baby of the family but anytime I tried to join in the fun, he'd find an excuse to leave or make me leave.
The same thing happened with Steff, whenever he was playing with Steff and I try to join in, he'd send me off by saying I was a girl and I play games that were befitting for girls.
It took me a while and a lot of self-denial but I finally had to come to terms with the fact that Papa didn't like me as much as he liked my siblings. In fact, he didn't like me at all and the reason for that was something I didn't understand. I tried my hardest to please him, to get him to like him, I performed better in school, cut down on playing so I could become better in my classes, dressed properly, and made sure to respond faster and better whenever he asked a question.
I thought that'd get him to notice and like me but I was wrong, he seemed more and more displeased with me, sending me into an early teenage depression because I didn't understand why my biological father couldn't stand my existence. Still, I didn't stop trying, I didn't stop trying to get him to see me, to like him, to acknowledge me.
Nothing worked.
Until one day when luck decided to smile at me in the cruelest way possible.
I stuttered to the underground which Papa had always made it clear was off-limits to us. My steps faltered at the bottom of the stairs when I heard the animalistic screams coming down there and I was going to turn back. Maybe if I had turned back quickly, the rest of my life would have turned out differently from what it currently was.
But I didn't turn back soon enough because dad's eyes fell on me and the repulsion coupled with the blood that was dripping from his hand and sleeves made my heart jump to my throat. I expected him to yell at me to get lost but instead, he beckoned for me to come closer.
That became the greatest undoing of my life.
I walked with shaky steps into the hell hole and I almost puked my guts out when I saw the man that was strapped to a chair, two soldiers working on his body while he was heaving and panting in gasps with blood coming out from all parts of his body. His entire face was covered with blood that it was even impossible to tell his facial features.
Papa commanded his soldiers to stop and they did. They moved back to stand behind the man and I stood awkwardly there, eyes on the floor, heart racing, and blood pounding in my ears. Then Papa touched my shoulder with his bloodied hand and I jumped at the contact. The image of the blood seeping into my clothes and staining it forever imprinted itself in my brain.
But all that faded into the recess of my mind when I looked up at dad and I saw him looking at me, his eyes devoid of the usual anger whenever he stares at me, and in its place was something close to adoration.
And suddenly, nothing mattered anymore, not the blood on my shoulder, not the man that was in severe pain. The only thing that mattered was the fact that dad was looking at me like I mattered.
That was something I've always wanted to achieve, something I worked so hard for and now, it was getting offered to me on a platter of Gold. I wanted that and I'd do anything to keep it. "Lisa, would you do anything for your Papa?"
I nodded eagerly without knowing what I was and without caring what it was. All I wanted was for him to keep looking at me like that forever and I knew I'd do anything to make that happen. "Good!" He tightened his hold painfully around my shoulder and I almost yelped out in pain before he finally let go. He turned back, picked a gun from the instruments lying on the table and he turned back to stretch it towards me.
I looked away from his face to the gun and back and forth without understanding why he was pointing it toward me and gesturing for me to collect it. I've never even been this close to a gun before. He had always instructed his men to keep their guns away from us and now that Steff was training with them, the same instructions work for him too.
"Take the gun, Lisa."
I faltered and I took two mismatched steps back. Anger flashed briefly in dad's eyes before he yanked my body back to him and he shoved the gun into my hands. I was shaking too much with the gun in my hand, unable to get my body under control and the gun fell out of my hand when I was shaking too much.
Papa hissed in annoyance and he looked at me the way I was used to him looking at me and I almost apologized for making the gun drop.
"Are you going to make yourself useful for once in your life or you'll get lost?" He asked in annoyance and tears started streaming down my eyes.
"I'll... I'll do it," I told him even though I had no idea what he wanted me to do. Then, he nodded appreciatively before he picked the gun up and he handed it back to me.
My body still wouldn't stop shaking but this time around, I was able to stop the gun from falling away from my hand. Papa positioned himself behind me so the gun was pointed at the strapped me and positioned my finger on the trigger with his finger on mine.
"We're going to kill that man," he muttered at the same time he pressed my finger down on the trigger. I fainted before the man even died.
When I came back, I was on my bed and Papa was sitting beside me with a mug of tea in his hands.
I was fourteen then but that gesture made my heart clench because it has never happened before. Dad has never stepped into my room not to talk of sitting me up and handing me a cup of hot tea to
me.
I knew this was because of what happened in the basement, I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to think about the fact that during the hours I'd been out, my unconsciousness was plunged with blood and that man's screams.
All that I wanted to think about was the fact that it made Papa pleased with me and that's the only thing that mattered.
"You did well today," he complimented, the warmth in his eyes setting my insides aglow and making tears pool in my eyes.
He reached out and started patting my hair soothingly as he pronounced the next words that became the bane of my existence.
"From tomorrow, you'll start training with the boys, you'll become a soldier, a made man."
I wanted to tell him that I didn't want that, I didn't want to train, I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to have anything to do with the business, all I wanted to do was to live as a normal girl.
But living as a normal girl wasn't going to make him like him so it wasn't an option.
I joined the training the next day and I trained and trained and trained till my body nearly caved in but I couldn't allow that. I trained till I was on par with the strongest men in our army, I trained till I was
stronger than them, I trained till I became the strongest among the men, I trained till I became a woman weapon.
And Papa not only liked me, but he also respected me, he adored me, and he put me over everything.
That was the only thing that mattered even though it took every other thing away from me.
My sanity and peace of mind.