chapter 180

chapter 180
Arabella's POV

I forced myself to let go of Alice's tiny hand, my fingers trembling as I carefully extracted myself from her grip. Every movement felt like tearing off a piece of my own heart.

My daughter slept peacefully in her crib, completely unaware that her mother was about to walk away. Her little chest rose and fell with each breath, her rosebud lips slightly parted. I traced her features with shaking fingers, trying to burn every detail into my memory—the curve of her cheek, the fan of her eyelashes, the perfect tiny fingernails. Leaving her behind was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Harder than escaping Wesley's abuse. Harder than watching my father die to save me during the Moon Shadow Ritual when I was seven. Right now, I felt like I was abandoning her.

"Mommy loves you," I whispered, my voice breaking as tears blurred my vision. "Mommy will come back soon."

The words felt like a promise I wasn't sure I could keep, and that thought alone made it almost impossible to breathe. I bent down and pressed my lips to her forehead, greedily inhaling her baby scent—that unique mixture of baby shampoo, powder, and something indescribably Alice. I wanted to lock that smell in my memory forever.

I forced myself to turn away, each step toward the door feeling like I was walking on broken glass. When the door clicked shut behind me, the dam broke. Tears streamed down my face, soaking my cheeks and the collar of my sweater. My eyes were already swollen and painful from hours of crying, but the tears wouldn't stop.

Esme was waiting in the hallway, her eyes soft with understanding. One look at her was all it took for me to crumble completely. I fell into her open arms like a drowning person grabbing a lifeline, clinging to her as sobs wracked my body.

"I can't do this," I choked out against her shoulder. "How can I leave her? She's going to think I abandoned her. She's so little..."

Esme's hand made soothing circles on my back, reminding me of how my mother used to comfort me when I was small. The familiar gesture broke through my last defenses, and I cried silently into her leather jacket, feeling the material grow damp beneath my cheek.

"I'm a terrible mother," I whispered, the words barely audible. "What kind of mother leaves her baby before she's even a year old?"

The thought was eating me alive, a poisonous self-loathing that threatened to consume everything else. But Blood's words from earlier echoed in my head—if I stayed, people would come for me. Those hunters wouldn't care that Alice was an innocent baby. One million dollars would strip away any moral qualms. I had to leave to protect her. The knowledge didn't ease my pain, but it gave me a reason to walk away.

"She won't hate you," Esme said firmly, pulling back to look me in the eyes. "She could never hate you, Arabella."

"Will she think I didn't want her anymore?" My voice cracked as I voiced my deepest fear. "Will she feel abandoned?"

Esme cupped my face in her hands, using her thumbs to wipe away my tears. Her eyes were steady and sure. "I will tell her every day how much her mother loves her. I'll show her your pictures. I'll tell her your stories."

I grabbed her wrists desperately, holding on like they were my only lifeline. "Promise me she won't feel abandoned. Promise she'll know I'm coming back."

"I promise," Esme said softly. "She'll know you all love her. Alexander, Lucas, Tristan, and you—you're her family. Always."

I hugged her again, tighter this time, trying to transfer all my love and fear to her, hoping she would somehow share it with Alice. My heart felt like it was being torn in two—half wanting to leave to keep her safe, half desperate to stay.

Taking a shuddering breath, I forced myself to straighten up and move toward the stairs. Each step felt heavy, like I was wading through concrete. My eyes were swollen, my throat raw from crying, but I tried to square my shoulders. I couldn't fall apart again—not yet.

Alexander, Lucas, and Tristan waited at the bottom of the stairs, their expressions telling me they had just said their own goodbyes to Alice. Alexander's eyes held a brewing storm, Lucas's mouth was set in a tight line, and Tristan's gaze was deeper and more solemn than usual. They were all carrying the same pain I was.

Alexander moved toward me first, his hand sliding under the hem of my hoodie to tuck a handgun into my waistband with practiced ease. The gesture was both intimate and protective, bringing a small measure of comfort. His amber eyes looked deeply into mine, silently asking if I could handle this.

I wanted to tell him I was fine, but the lie stuck in my throat. Our connection ran too deep—he could feel every fragment of my pain. His gaze told me he was struggling too, trying to be both the strong Alpha and a man facing the agony of leaving his child behind.

I reached up to touch his face, feeling the tension in his jaw. We didn't need words. I knew he would protect me, and I knew I would be strong enough to get back to Alice.

Asher emerged from the shadows, his features sharp in the dim light. My brother, my only remaining blood relative, was risking everything to protect me and Alice.

I rushed into his arms just as I had countless times as a child. His embrace was familiar and solid, reminding me of all the times he'd protected me—after Dad died, when Mom withdrew into herself, he had been my shield.

"Asher," I whispered against his chest, "if I don't come back—"

"Don't say that," he cut me off, his voice firm. "You will come back. I promise, when this is over, you'll be back with Alice."

I looked up at him and saw the shadow of the big brother who had protected me as a child. Despite our differences and arguments, when danger came, we were always there for each other.

"Take care of yourself," I said, my voice trembling. "Take care of my little girl."

"I will," he promised. "You focus on staying safe. Leave the rest to me."

The cold wind hit my tear-streaked face as we stepped outside, momentarily clearing my head. In the moonlight, I could see Blood already waiting by the SUV, his posture alert as he scanned the surroundings like a wolf ready to attack.

His eyes met mine briefly, and something twisted in my stomach. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of Landon—the boy who had saved me during my darkest childhood moments. But the flash was quickly covered by Blood's cold exterior.

"Is this really the right choice?" I asked quietly, not sure if I was asking them or myself. I needed one more confirmation that I wasn't making a mistake that would destroy my daughter's life.

Tristan took my hand, his touch warm and steady. "She's safe here, Arabella. No one can get through the pack house defenses to reach her."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, and climbed into the back seat. The atmosphere in the car was heavy and silent, broken only by the rumble of Blood's motorcycle behind us and the sound of my own heartbeat. I leaned against the window, watching the pack house grow smaller in the distance until it disappeared from view. Part of me felt like it was staying behind with Alice.

As we drove through the darkness, I silently calculated dates in my head. Next Tuesday would be Alice's first birthday. We were supposed to celebrate together—I'd already ordered her cake and presents. The thought of missing this milestone tore at my heart.

Fresh tears welled up, and I quickly wiped them away, not wanting them to see me crying again. But Tristan had already noticed. He unclipped my seatbelt and gently pulled me into his arms.

"It's okay, little warrior," he murmured in my ear, using his special nickname for me. "You don't have to be strong right now."

His gentleness broke through my last defenses. I curled into him, letting the tears flow silently. His heartbeat was steady and strong against my ear, a lighthouse in the darkness of my thoughts.

"Sleep a while," he said, his fingers combing through my hair. "You and the babies need rest."

The word "babies" made my heart clench. My hand instinctively moved to my stomach, where two new lives were growing. I had just left one child behind and now had to protect two more. The guilt crashed over me in waves as I cried silently against Tristan's chest until exhaustion finally pulled me into sleep.