I can't handle these thoughts any more than I can handle the thoughts about my foster father. These are worse. Heidi tries to pull my hand into hers. She is the only woman that works at Carlett who doesn't realise that I don't feel comfortable with them touching me. I hate them. I hate Carlett. I hate the other girls at the home. I hate my life. I just want a home. White picket fence, green lawn, red roses, blue shutters are what is being presented to me now, Henri and Nicola Wilson's house, my new foster home. From what I knew they had already had two foster girls my age and it hadn't worked out. It was something about them not being a right personality for the parents. No other careers were able to tolerate me for long periods of time. I was quiet, shy and got nervous and uncomfortable when people tried to touch me. A phycholigst wasn't very quiet when he told the careers at Carlett what was 'wrong' with me. I had a social anxiety disorder. I was afraid of getting close to people in fear of getting abandoned again that eventually I would find somewhere or someone that would effortlessly make me comfortable to be myself but be careful not to push me with anything. "Now Charlotte, do not pull anything like you did last time." Heidi chides me pointing a red manicured fingernail at me. Heidi is the fakest of all the careers at Carlett, fake nails, fake tan, fake hair, and fake boobs. She was often the talk after lights out in the fourteen year olds room. There was only three other girls that were fourteen but they had some mouths on them, they knew how to swear. "Charlotte, are you even listening to me?" She snaps stopping our crawl to the red front door. "Behave. I know I've been here before. I know what to do." Heidi's big red lips drop, and by the look in her eyes her thick black mascara is at risk of running down her cheeks. She's one of the original women that have been there since I have. She was eighteen when she first started working there. She understood how many homes I had bounced back and forth between. It had affected the both of us more than we expected the only thing that wasn't fake about her was her personality and how much she cared for me. "This might be the one for you sweetheart." Once again she goes to take my hand and I think about letting her for a second but I pull away in the end. When I open my eyes the hot water has made my skin red. It's the first time I've let those memories take so much control over me voluntarily. The thoughts of Heidi hurt. After all that happened and I ended up back in Carlett, Heidi was the one that come into the room where I had locked myself away. She hugged me. It was the first and last time I let a career touch me. It was that night that I had climbed out of the window. Ellie knocks on the door not to long later. I hadn't realised that I had been in the shower for an hour already. The water is still warm. Her voice is worried as she questions me whether I'm alright or not. She threatens to come in if I don't reply to her words and if she wasn't a werewolf she wouldn't have heard me. Her words are what get me to push myself up and get out of the steady stream of water. I wrap the large fluffy towel around my chest locking it beneath my arms. Pulling my hair around my shoulder, I rinse the water out of it. It's gotten longer since I've been here and it's soft. All the dirt and tangles are gone and it's easy to run my hands through. I could never see what anybody saw in me and even now I can't see why Ryder would give me a second look. My collar bones stuck out against my chest and so did my shoulders. Everything about me is small but that in turn makes my breasts look bigger. Looking at Ellie she was drop dead gorgeous and lean, the same as the other woman in the castle. They're werewolves of course they are. Ryder has so many better options over me but here I am in his room and he's got his strongest guards on me. It doesn't make any sense. He doesn't make any sense. Despite all this I still want to kiss him again. It was my first kiss. My foster father never did. Without the emotional feeling of what he had towards me and me towards him physical I had never felt so alive, so empowered. It was perfect. I want more of it. I want all of him and I want him to myself. Ellie's back at the door asking to come in to wrap my ribs and the wound back up. Sighing I tell her to give me a minute to get dressed into the clothes that she had bought in for me earlier. It's a pair of loose fitted cotton tracksuit pants and a similar cropped bra that I've been sleeping in. So far the wardrobe that was given to me was simple made of jeans or shorts and a t-shirt in shades of white, grey and black. I liked it but everyone else was a lot my etiquette and couture like it's very nice but not my type so I'm glad it's not presented to me. Ellie sits me down on the edge of the bath when she comes in with a handful of clean bandages and creams. She watches me careful as her fingers press against the skin that used to be a black colour. It's getting better and even though I'm still feeling pain from it it's bearable and when Ryder's around I don't even notice it. "Are you okay?" Ellie asks after a while when I all but ignore her. When I look down at her she's concentrated on my mid-section rubbing a soothing cream. She looks up at me for a second and she looks concerned. "Maxon told me about Ryder kissing you. I've noticed that you're uncomfortable being around people, you've warmed up, a lot with Ryder, but something as big as that I can see would affect you a lot." I smile lightly at her glad that I can have someone I can talk to about this without their penis clouding their thoughts.