Chapter 171 Just A Phase
Chapter 171 Just A Phase
Forcing a smile, suppressing all my feelings, I gave his hand a weak squeeze.
“Sure,”
“Are you okay now?”
“I feel exhausted- of myself especially. I am sorry, I need time, Ahmer, to regain my thoughts,” I told him honestly, pulling away and turning to not confront his gentle gaze.
“We have our whole lives, it’s okay. This is just a phase of life, it will go away.”
He smiled, giving my shoulder a pat before going back to the room as I cooked the food.
He said it was just a phase, it will go away.
It wasn’t.
Each second, each moment, each breath, it was dripping to my core like a poison. Nothing was becoming better, nothing was working, it was all too difficult.
“Breakfast,”
“Aalifa, pass me water,”
My life was forgetting how to smile or laugh.
The foundation of my dreams broke, sleep, meanings, reasons, everything was fading.
He was so near to be considered as mine yet I vacuously lost that privilege. How satisfactory everything is now, huh?
Was this worth it?
“Aalifa? Where are you lost?”
“Huh? Did you say something?”
Blinking, my breaths hitched to realize that I zoned out due to my thoughts. Turning to Ahmer who was compassionately looking at me.
“Jug,”
“Oh, sorry,”
Apologizing quickly, I poured him water and bid him goodbye before leaving for school. Trying to hold my schedule and keep myself busy so unnecessary thoughts won’t disturb me.
It was just a phase of life.
It will go away. It will go away. It has to…
Or else where will I show my face if I won’t be able to stay loyal to my bond?
Noticing my state, Ahmer was becoming vexed for me.
“Are you sure you are okay, Aalifa?” He asked.
Scanning me while I was staring into nothingness, falling on the mattress with my open hair.
I was used to braiding my hair before sleeping and when Zaviyaar started doing it, I got used to him braiding my hair every night.
And after that, I hadn’t worn a gajra, I hadn’t braided my hair before sleeping. I had stopped getting ready too.
‘My heart became detached from everything.’
I hate this place, I hated it here, I wanted to go back, back to UAE, to my country.
“Yes. Why is that?” I responded hollowly, closing my eyes to rub my temples as my head had been aching for days now.
“You don’t look okay,”
My screaming from my nightmare, him holding me, watching me pray, everything was repeating in my mind.
If I cry, will he hold me? He might, but out of love or out of obligation? But- will I find protection? I probably won’t.
Was I becoming a cheater?
“Aalifa,”
“Yes?”
“Zaviyaar has left,”
“I see….”
Exhaling, I glanced at Ahmer, curling my lips but not in a smile.
“Thank you for taking me to him,”
He observed my state before shifting to his elbow, taking a strand of my hair, gaining no reaction from me.
“You said seeing him will lighten the weight on your chest,”
“Yes, I did,” I nodded.
“Then do I feel like it got increased? That it worsened everything?”
Unfortunately, It did.
I didn’t realize his confession would scatter me and I swear, If I hadn’t been married to him, I would have embraced-
‘What the fuck is wrong with me? What am I thinking!?’
He was right. It worsened everything. It fixed nothing, it messed me up more.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I was standing motionless for the past hour.
What had I done to myself? I had started to neglect my whole existence… again.
Each passing second, I was living in the moment where I embraced him and that was constricting my chest. The hollowness was suffocating me.
I… can’t live like this.
“I can’t have you even if I want you. But, then what kind of love would it be?”
Whispering with tears collecting in my eyes, I touched my reflection with my hands, lips quivering from anguish.
“How will I make this world listen? But, then again, why do I need to make them listen?”
With a few tears rolling down, I was perishing with the chains I created for myself. I thought I could become a wife and carry on.
I thought things would become better but I was again on the verge of destruction.
And besides, how could I continue the marriage I never wanted in the first place…?
I couldn’t lie- I was still where I signed the divorce papers.
Each night a flame burned in my chest, my heart, that was blazing with his name.
‘Run away, Aalifa… at least you won’t be shedding tears of hope- hope of what didn’t happen- you wanted that to happen.’
Think, Aalifa, you will become shameless if you cross the line.
Since when I wasn’t? When I was not notorious? But, at least that shame would give me solace…
“Shut up, shut up,”
Shutting my eyes, my attempts to suppress those voices inside me were fading. I couldn’t keep my thoughts at bay, they were scattering.
I couldn’t carry… this marriage…
With a violent shiver, I gasped for air, slamming my hand down and before I knew it, a scream left me. Throwing all the things away, I fell on my knees.
“Stop it!!”
Yelling, I pulled my hair from the extreme distress. I thought I could carry on as an empty shell but I couldn’t.
How could I after knowing his arms were open for me?
People start their lives anew after committing greatest sins-
Was my crime irredeemable?
Upon hearing the deafening sound of my wailing, Ahmer barged inside, rushing to my side.
“Aalifa!? What happened?!”
He was about to come and hold me but those hands couldn’t comfort me. I didn’t fucking care, if I was selfish then so be it!
“Ahmer,”
“Aalifa, what happened? Tell me,”
Lifting my tear gaze, I forced myself to look at him. Tears soaking my cheeks as I was at the most miserable point of my life.
“I have done nothing good in my life, I haven’t led a good life, I haven’t made a right decision too…”
Clutching my dress, my jaw clenched yet a sob left me and shattered all my restraints.
“The only right thing I have done is,”
I looked down, not from embarrassment though, and confessed the only reality of my life.
“… loving Zaviyaar.”