chapter sixteen- n o a h

Does it ache to see your reflection

and watch someone else stare back

Does it ache to try so hard to hold yourself together

pleading not to crack

___________________________

Fear

It's scary how the only thing we really fear is fear itself.

an emotion so very despised; and yet felt just as much.

Sometimes I am forced to wonder if it even truly exists.

you see, fear is quite different from then countless emotions we humans feel on a daily basis, far different from; love, passion, hatred, nervousness or annoyance

because all these emotions somewhat feel the same.

But fear

we all somehow seem to fear different things, different people, different scenarios.

No two humans fear the same thing; and that's what's truly frightening

Fear doesn't just scare you

It brings about all the emotions all at once, bombarding your mind from all directions, until you reach your to breaking point

You see, when you're afraid of something; your orbs start shifting from side to side

searching for some sort of a refuge from your situation as you grow nervous by every passing moment, petrified of what is next to happen.

Then you begin overthinking as you fiddle with your fingers, forcing your fingers to tangle and untangle repeatedly,

drowned into your own thoughts so deeply, that you become unaware of the world around you

This is where love drags itself in, the fear of losing those you hold close, tears you into bits.

That's when annoyance slides in; the tapping of your feet against the marble floor and the shaking of your knees is enough to spike your fear once again, leaving you feeling both helpless and abandoned.

Your consciousness disturbs you with every breath you inhale, haunting you over what you could've done otherwise to not end up in the scenario you are trapped in now.

And at last; you begin shaming yourself, hating yourself, blaming yourself for everything that has happened to you.

biting onto your already chipped nails as you sit on a corner, accusing yourself to be the culprit of burning in the hell that you had once created for yourself.

And fear

An emotion so dangerous, so unethical; that it can drive your whole damn mind, control your actions, become your weakness; if not dealt with the right way.

Yet, unfortunately, there is no right way to deal with fear as yet

And a part of us fears that there never really will be

And that's what makes us fear our fear so fucking much.

Fear

That word seeped into my bloodstream, drowning into the depths of my body, and carving its initials onto my once fearless heart.

And before I realised it; I was eating, sleeping, dreaming, thinking, breathing fear

every move I made from chugging a glass of water to not wanting to go to sleep at night was out of fear

I feared that someone was always out to get me

that nothing was ever going to be alright

I feared my fear, for I was aware that my fear was the main reason behind my restlessness and my paranoid behaviour.

31 March 2017

1:49 pm

My long awaited sleep was callously disturbed by someone who clearly didn't love their job very much, repeatedly banging onto the door as loud as their fist would allow them

I wouldn't have been surprised if this specific person's fist was bruised and bloody

I twisted from side to side, unaware of the position I had let myself fall asleep in

my forelegs hung down the bed as the rest of my body laid tangled into the bed sheet itself

without a duvet or any sort of a blanket for my body to take refuge in from the terribly cold room.

I shoved my head deeper into the mattress, as the knocks grew more aggressive, I banged my head into the sheets, realising how I was not only missing a duvet but a pillow under my head as well

I peaked open my right eye, careful to not let any light sneak in, but miserably failed when a streak of sunlight directly attacked my orbs, blinding me, enforcing me to wake up

My body ached from not getting enough rest, a restless groan escaped my lips as I twisted and turned on the bed, with my limbs stretched out in all directions invading the entire bed, almost resembling a bloody bat

Another bang on the door ensured me that whoever stood on the opposite side didn't plan on leaving anytime soon

I pushed myself off my bed, earning another groan from my raspy dry throat

my tired eyes and restless expression instantly faded as my feet made contact with the icy cold marble floor, destroying any chances I had to fall back asleep

I began to walk towards the door when it hit me, the reality was far too painful to forget and I almost felt jealous of the girl I was a couple minutes back; unaware and naive

I wish I was unaware

I wish I could just forget

My feet stopped halfway as I looked at either directions of the room, searching for some sort of a hidden camera or whatever else I could think of

I had a good share of action movies ever since I was a little girl, therefore, knowing exactly where bad guys hide their gadgets or surveillance cameras shouldn't have to be so hard

But what I didn't realise was that, I was being pathetic; why would someone hide their gadgets where one could find them,

If I've seen those movies than they could've too, I almost wanted to facepalm myself

My head declined any further ideas on the topic as another knock echoed into the atmosphere, breaking my trance

On instinct, my hands reached out to the left, grabbing the rose vase that was placed along with the other expensive looking decorations on the slates on the wall

It was long and defined, each curve so beautifully and artistically drawn, the paint still seemed so fresh but it was clear it was anything but new

I moved closer towards the door, gripping the vase with either one of my hands, cautious with my footsteps, for I didn't want the one who stood outside to know whether I was inside or wasn't

A part of me felt delusional, claiming that I was being paranoid

another part of me wanted to discard all the negative thoughts that crowded my brain, what if it was Noah?

My heart leaped at the thought

Noah

Was it really him?

My steps became faster as I reached the door, gazing into the small circle peephole, hoping to catch a clear glimpse of who the unwanted visitor was

but to my dismay, it wasn't Noah, it wasn't the culprit; ready to surrender, nor was it Mum, nor Dad, nor Lucas, but instead; it was a women

A women who seemed to be in her late thirties, dressed in white and red uniform, with neatly tied ginger hair and a clothed hair band, matching the red in her uniform, placed on her head, guarding her baby hairs from escaping and littering her forehead

her polished black semi-heels reflecting the black in her eyes, her eyes were almost almond shaped with a slightly crooked nose and straight thin lips, curving up into a warm smile

with a shiny golden serving trolley in front of her, crowded with a silver covered platter, and a couple juice bottles next to it

my pulse decelerated as I exhaled, letting out a breath of air I wasn't even aware I was holding

nothing about her seemed suspicious, and yet I kept gazing at her intensely through the tiny circle carved onto the door

her hand reached towards the door to knock once more, but I instantly pulled it open before she had the chance to, coming face to face with the only bright face I had seen in a while now

"oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?", she genuinely sounded apologetic, making me wonder how could she seriously be oblivious to the fact that she herself had almost broken my door down with her awfully noisy knocking

I wanted to slam the door onto her face and let her know how disrespectful what she had done was

but instead I decided to let it go, because I was aware that I wouldn't have woken up at all if she hadn't done the honours, I just wished she did it a little bit more sanely

"It's okay, you didn't wake me up, I was awake from a while", I lied, to which she gazed at me in both shock and annoyance

Poor thing thinks I didn't open the door on purpose, well, I mean, a part of me was extremely delighted with the words I had just said, because at least now she knows what it's like to destroy someone's morning

she continued to stare at me and then sneakily took a peak at the room behind me, making me extremely uncomfortable

It wasn't really her fault, no.

But after everything that had happened, even the slightest of the things were enough to drive me paranoid

a part of me prayed for it all to end, for me to move on, start anew

But another part of me was certain that things would never be the same, nor would they get better anytime soon

call it a gut feeling or whatever else you'd like; and that frightened me far more than I wanted it to, because I for one knew that my gut feelings were rarely ever wrong.

"can I help you?", the question was innocent but my tone sounded bitter, making her shift her attention back at me as she pointed at the platter in front of her

"But I didn't call for breakfast", I replied confused

It wasn't that I wasn't hungry, but I genuinely didn't remember ordering breakfast nor did I get a suit which included breakfast, which left me feeling completely confused

A hint of anxiousness passed her features as her body tensed, but she snapped back almost instantly, leaving me to doubt myself for any change in her attitude at all

"well yes ma'am, I'm aware, but Mr. Kenan has especially asked me to send in breakfast, he also told me to let you know that he was a friend of your fathers and he sends his honest condolences", her voice low, as if she herself was secretly grieving

I gulped silently, my gaze at her not once flattening as I shifted sidewards, allowing her to roll the trolley into my room

she took her time placing the platter onto the small tea table next to the balcony, with the balcony open, the wind blew straight into the room, finally allowing me to breathe since last night

She continued to tie the curtains on each side as I sat on the edge of the bed, desperately waiting for her to exit so that I could fed my grumbling stomach

I would eat in front of her, I would; but mum always used to say that eating in front of strangers wasn't lady like, that it was bad manners,

and I never really cared

I never did

but for some reason, her words continued to echo in my head as ginger stared up at me

"what flavour ma'am?", she asked, as she grabbed a fancy upside down diamond shaped glass, placing it beside the food platter

"apple please", I replied politely

a pang of proudness struck my chest, making me feel as if my mum would be so proud of me, the way I was acting, the way I talked; if only she were still here

If only she wouldn't have left me; I would've showed her that I could be the daughter she always expected me to be

The ginger poured the juice into the glass, placing the juice box back into the trolly and began walking away with her trolly

I walked one step behind her, as we reached the door, she left my room and looked up at me as she politely smiled

"have a good day ma'am", she offered a slight bow as she began to wheel away with her trolley

I simply forced a smile onto my chapped lips and gave her a slight nod, then headed back into the room, shutting the door on my way in

The aroma of freshly baked hash browns diffused into the atmosphere, making me internally drool as I made my way towards the the tea table, taking a seat on one of the cream sofa seats next to it

I got myself ready to take in the beautiful sight as I carefully removed the lid from the platter,

the platter was crowded with hash browns on the left side, with tiny vanilla pancakes on the corner and a few squared blocks of feta cheese

a small bowl was placed on the right corner of the platter which held squared blocks of watermelon, apples, blueberries and guavas

I picked up the fork and began eating the fruits hurriedly, as if I was afraid that someone might steal my meal away

Staring out of the balcony, I shoved another block of watermelon into my mouth, but couldn't swallow

my gaze focused onto the building tops in my view, as my eyes began to water, as if the reality just slapped me in the face

I was disgusted of myself, I was ashamed of how I could swallow a single bite of the food in front of me while Noah might not even have water to drink right now

It made me feel selfish

made me feel egocentric

like I was guilty for what he was going through

whatever he might be going through

wherever he might be

I felt myself responsible for everything that was happening to him

For everything that was happening to me

For every single fucking thing that was happening to everyone

my teeth grazed the watermelon, unsure if I deserved it

unsure if I deserved anything at all

I felt as if the entire world was against me, as if I had done something wrong, something so terribly evil to someone that it was all coming back to me

I lost everything that had once mattered to me

everyone I had once cared for, all gone

A deadly wave surged up, like a deadly whale, suffocating me beneath its weight

blood gushed through my veins, making its way up to my head, choking my vision, making it difficult for me to breathe

I was a little too late to realise I was drowning

Drowning in lies

In empty promises

In false vows

My stomach twisted every time the darkness closes in, and every time my heart is forced to drown deeper

Hurt and betrayal choked my vision, making it difficult to breathe

Their promises and lies building up a storm, carving gashes as they pierced through my skin and bruised my flimsy heart

I never knew I would grow so sick and tired of finding people who won't even be lost

That I would tear my heart to bits in order to stich theirs; just to find out that those slits carved upon their hearts were false;

just like their confessions

just like their promises

That despite the pain of their betrayal, I would straighten my spine, standing as tall as I can.

And yet each time I would walk right back into their trap blindfolded

my stomach grumbled once again, bringing me back into reality, as my teeth began to work at their own accord, chewing and swallowing the watermelon before I could register

I squeezed my eyes shut, as I pushed the bowl away from me, as if I were distancing myself from the pain and misery that was yet to come

my hands began to shake from both anger and fear, anger at the universe, and fear from the murderers who had ruthlessly killed my loved ones but were still freely roaming the earth

I reached out my hand to the juice, hoping to soothe my dry throat, but instead ended up dropping the glass

It all happened so fast that I didn't have the time to process what had happened

Anger seeped through me as I gazed at the broken pieces of glass on the marble floor

my reflection stared back at me from a few shreds of the broken glass, making me realise how similar I was to it

how broken

how helpless

how abandoned I was

Tears began to gush out of my eyes as they wet my cheeks and slid down my chest

Loud cries exploited the room, scarring me enough for me to place both my hands onto my guilty mouth, muffling my cries as much as I could

I couldn't stop

It just hurt so much

I wanted someone to make it stop

just make it all stop

but there was no one there

no one to hear my cries

no one to take the pain away

I felt so helpless

So damn impotent

what I was going through didn't hurt as bad as how badly feeling incapable and powerless hurt

my hands pulled away from my lips as I walked toward the platter, pushing it off the table, resulting in the entire breakfast along with shattered white pieces of the expensive culinary littering the hotel floor, making a mess

you know they say you are where you live

This is who I really was

This is what I really fucking was

A mess

One hell of a mess

and a part of me was certain that I wasn't going to be able to clean my mess anytime soon

I lowered myself to the floor, crying hysterically as I gasped for air, desperately inhaling and exhaling, trying to stay alive

trying so hard to survive in a world that clearly wanted me dead

After several minutes of a continuous internal battle, I began to pick myself up a little, gather myself together as I glanced towards the mess I had made

I almost didn't want to believe that I did that

That I could lose control over myself

That I could be dangerous, not just to me but to those around me

I cautiously reached towards the razor-sharp fragments of culinary that I had splintered only moments ago,

my fingers awaiting an agonising pain as if craving to feel something, anything, even if it were suffering itself

the excruciating affliction that pierced the tips of my fingers felt like some sort of an antidote to my numbness

all the pieces looked exactly the same

Lifeless

just like me

a certain stained paper caught my eye as I brushed away a piece of blueberry from its midway

It wasn't really something that would catch your eye in the middle of a mess such as this, but what caught mine wasn't the stain on the paper or the paper itself, it was how the letters

N O A H

we're handwritten on it in bold, the ink now almost smudged due to the wetness of the little squared folded paper, but I could only hope what I could somehow comprehend what was written inside.