Epilogue

"I got here first. That was just like your son. He was always very slow to move," I said casually, then quickly lowered the picnic mat I was holding. I laid it down for a while, then tried sitting down.

"Your place is so far away!" I sighed immediately. I even placed my hand on my leg as if starting to hurt.

"Because this is Papa's favorite place–"

"And it is here when we had our first date," I continued what my son had just said. When he landed the two meals, I immediately took care of him.

"It is here where you first invited dad on a date," Jihan said suddenly, as if correcting what I said.

"Hey! Your dad was the one to invite me for a date!" I gently slapped the child, who still did not stop laughing. "You did, right? You're so in love with me."

"Mom, that was a strong wind."

I just laughed and then drank water - I was still tired from walking. "That's your dad, and he said yes."

We did nothing but laugh. And as usual, here we will spend the day. It is good that the place is covered. We are also free to lie down.

"Pa!" The sudden change in the child's voice did not escape my hearing. That has become more lively now.

And he's back with that. . . again.

He's good at fooling himself that he is happy.

"We have graduation next week, and you know. I am a valedictorian! We are indeed making a speech for this, we have actually been working for a few weeks, and it is not over. Mom is already crying! "

"Hey, Jihan, I heard that!" The son did not argue anymore, so I became even quieter.

I know how it feels. I know it is longing, too, and it does not have to pretend. I close my eyes. Apart from the fact that I can not see the child who finally gave up, I know he will be ashamed to make sure.

"Well, I can't do that anymore. . ."

I turned my back on the child while lying on the picnic mat. I just bit my lip so hard to stop sobbing.

"Always. . . It is always when I am awarded that I want you to go up on stage together." Moments later, I heard the child crying. Panting, I forced myself to sit down and join Jihan.

"Well, I miss you so much. I don't know, but I should. Am I not very attached to you? I was young when you left for Dubai and then when you -came back. . ." I could see him bowing his fist. I also noticed his shortness of breath due to crying.

"Pa, I don't know-how again. Why. . . That mommy understands, but I don't understand anything. Pa, I want you here. I have been praying for Him to bring you back, but they are not giving it to me!"

I hugged the child tightly. After what happened, we did not make Jihan feel like he was alone. We always feel like he has me, Tita Faye, and Tito Andrei, but it's really hard to complete someone with someone else looking.

It hurts so much to lose a husband. More perhaps than the pain everyone can imagine.

Losing a child is also very painful.

Rod's death had a big impact on Jihan. Yes, he is still at his best in academics, but Jihan has lost his courage.

The contented and brave son is gone. All that was lost at the same time as Rod's disappearance.

But I just loved the child even more. I need to be even more stable because otherwise, we will definitely not be able to cope.

I was overwhelmed by loud snoring. It was only then that I realized that Jihan had fallen asleep due to excessive crying. Jihan has been through a lot at a young age. He doesn't deserve any of these, but he has no choice but to face everything.

"It's been three years," I began. Now that the child is asleep, I took advantage of it to talk to my husband. "But the pain is still there."

"But I have no choice, right? We have to move on because I know you are still watching over us. Thank you so much for the four years you spent by my side. For the five years, you did nothing but prove yourself and a few months of fighting in the hospital. Thank you to all the people I have in mind. I. . . I wouldn't forget everything. . . but I'll start to let you go. in three years, Jihan and I had a hard time together. In the years to come, I will spend it to strengthen him forever. It's not in our dreams, is it? Do we not plan that what if you left us this early? What if Jihan and I suddenly. . . We have no plans, but that's what happened. You know love, the pain. It was very painful. It's been three years, but it is still painful. . ."

When my tears flowed, even more, I could do nothing but kiss his grave. "W-Why. . . what did we do to deserve this? What did Jihan do to lose his father early?"

The hardest part of Jihan and I's life was three years after Rod disappeared. We moved into an apartment, and there were only two of us. That's why there are afternoons when we have no choice but to cry.

When the doctor told us that they did not succeed in reviving Rod at that time, I felt as if someone had literally taken my heart out of its place.

It was more than that. . . I passed out.

So I hoped to find that everything was a dream, but when I woke up, his body was being put somewhere.

I can't, and I can't accept that. Because when was our last conversation? What did I tell you then?

He didn't leave us. I know he is not to blame for what happened. I understand what he did, but I have a hard time accepting it.

I remember when I told him, "If I accept that, it's as if I paid you for all the flowers we put in your grave. . . you're dead, aren't you?"

And if some ask me how many times have, I planned to follow my husband? You will just laugh at all of it.

I smiled as I faced Rod's face again and wiped away my tears.

"It is Daddy's birthday, so we can't stay long either. We brought a few ready for you. . . it's up to you. Y-You should always watch over us, okay? Especially Jihan. . . and promise, I will be more resilient for our son. He has a lot of dreams, eh. And I know he needs me."

I can't fix what I want to say. I can't breathe with so much sadness.

Sadness and remorse that you want to bring back someone who is already dead.

"I will be strong, Rod. Will you support me from there, right? You will always remember that. . ." I gently touched my chest where my heart was. "You and Jihan are the only ones here. . . from then on until it stopped beating. I love you so much, Rod. I know we will meet again."

When I finished talking to my husband, I immediately woke Jihan up. He seems to be feeling better, so he was able to say goodbye to his father before finally leaving.

In those three years, it seems like we are also here almost every day, so we should be used to it, but we are not.

There is always something running through our chests whenever we need to leave and go home.

I love you so much, Rod. . . until again.

•••

"Oh, the mother and daughter are here!" Mama Rona exclaimed when she saw us. When Rod disappeared, she often went to daddy's house to visit us.

Yes, we've tried living separately, but when daddy found out that we were just crying there, he forced us to go back to his house.

"Jewel!" I heard Faye's voice as she ran towards Jihan and me with arms outstretched. I knew she was aiming for a hug, so I opened mine too, but that was how I frowned when she hugged Jihan next to me. I was laughed at while there.

I approached Mama Rona and kissed her, as well as Ate Rian and Riza. I finally hugged daddy, who was already smiling. "Happy birthday, Daddy."

Now, I don't even have a grudge against daddy. I have forgiven him for all his sins in our family as well as in Rod. I learned, as bad as it is, to instill resentment in anyone.

Life is short of adding to the anger and hatred.

"I'm hungry!" Everyone laughed at the sudden shout of my "doctor" friend - I'm not sure about that now, especially since I know more about what he does.

It's like people and nurses in the hospital don't look up to him. "Lunatic," I whispered to myself.

"You're always hungry!" Faye sighed.

"Come on, everyone. Let's eat! You've been moving around for a while, eh." I know they are really just waiting for daddy to speak before shouting and taking their own plates.

I just shook my head, especially because my friends were like dogs and cats when they quarreled.

"Jewel, where are you going? Let's eat first," Mama Rona said when she saw me going upstairs.

"I'll just fetch something," I said smiling and then entered the room.

When I saw what I was looking for I immediately hugged him. "How can I eat without you?"

I took my handkerchief from my pocket and gently wiped the picture frame I was holding. "There, you're ready and handsome again."

I matched his smile in the photo and suddenly got serious. "There were so many times have I taken my life, so if you are waiting for my answer if I follow you?"

"I won't. We'll meet again but not yet. I still have Jihan. . . Dad, your family, and my friends. I have not followed yet, and I know that is also what you want, so you will always watch over us. I promise I will be stronger. "

I quickly kissed the picture frame and then proceeded down to the dining area.

"What? Are you going to eat without my husband and me?" Everyone laughed. There, I found my peace. That no matter how many times I failed in life, I know I have a family to approach.

Jihan and I are not the only ones fighting. . . they are all just behind the two of us and will be happy with every step and continuation in our lives.

"Wait! Rod and I are going to run out! We'll have fried chicken! "

I could do nothing but laugh. We have never asked for this, but maybe that is true. There are events that are not in the plan - good and bad - but you have to accept everything.