Chapter 1: Forty days

Four years later...

Tondo, Manila. 2020.

Carrying Jihan with only one hand, I was also forced to move the other. I opened the small sachet of milk, put it in the bottle, and prepared it for Jihan to drink. I took a deep breath when he chose to remain silent. I just lowered him to the floor that served as a chair in the house and handled the separating of clothes in color and white.

I just closed my eyes. There are only three of us in this house, and I do the laundry three times a week, but the laundry is still piled up all the time. After just a few minutes of washing, Jihan started crying again. I know in these moments, he will not stop, so I can do nothing but stop doing laundry first and carry the child.

“Why is my Jihan crying again, hmmm?” He stopped, and I heard his faint laughter. It seemed to dissolve all the tiredness I had been feeling before.

“I love you, Jihan,” I said earnestly before tearfully embracing the child. His embrace gives me comfort. It feels good to be a parent. It was actually my dearest dream. I see myself wholeheartedly taking care of my child. I can see that I can give her whatever he wants, but it has all disappeared now because even the milk of the child we often borrow from a nearby store.

“Mom!”

We quarreled for a few more minutes, and sometimes I tickled him, so he laughed and shouted loudly. That’s what makes us bonding so often. I don’t even take him to amusement parks or malls to take walks and eat.

We stopped when my cellphone on the small table rang. It was my Aunt Jessie. I haven’t answered it yet, but my heartbeat continues to slow down. It gets tight right away because I know maybe that’s what we’re going to talk about.

“Aunt Jessie. . .” I lowered Jihan to the floor and handed him some toys. I felt the weight of the child even more because of my immediate weakness.

“Jewel, your mom’s death has been forty days now. Are you sure you still won’t come?”

I already know what to talk about, but it still looks like a bomb just dropped in front of me. It was only a few words, but I was starting to catch my breath.

Why, Ma? You promised me. We will come back, and we will run away with you.

Almost two months ago, they found my mom. My mommy who is not smiling but my mommy who has no life. She was found hanging with a rope around her neck.

And most painful of all, I was not even able to see her. I was not even able to touch her at the last moment.

She said she would be strong. She says she will take care of herself. She promised. . . she would wait for me.

But she didn’t make it.

I know no one else had a reason then but Daddy.

I should’ve saved her. If I was just there, if I was just with her. . . she could not think of ending his life.

For the past few days, I always thought she had left me. She left me even though she promised to wait for me.

But the truth is, it was all me. I really left. If I had not left her, if I had sympathized with her in pain because of the pain that daddy was doing to her, she would not have committed suicide.

She will not be discouraged.

She will not be in despair.

If I had not left her, she would still have endured everything, just like the few years she had been doing.

But I left. I left Mommy. I left her, and now, she is really gone. I have nothing to go back to. No one will meet and hug me tightly.

I have no reason to go home, but I have many reasons to repent.

“Jewel–”

“I can’t go, Aunt,” I said, then turned back to the child who was busy playing.

“Jewel, you know you’ll come back. Come back here. . . we are your family.”

“If going back means leaving my own family behind, I won’t. Tita, I already have a family. I am no longer the little Jewel you will take when there is trouble. I already have a child, Tita. . . and he’s the most amazing boy I know,” I said directly before saying goodbye and dropping the call.

I simply wiped the tears almost covering my face. I did it. . . again.

I managed to look strong in front of Aunt Jessie. I did it again, I did it for four years.

I immediately finished the laundry. I also did not waste time and immediately cooked.

I bought a bunch of vegetables at the store in front of the house and fried eggs for Jihan. Unlike other kids, I don’t really let Jihan out to play.

I know I can’t be bothered either. It is dangerous and chaotic outside, so I do not want my child to be affected.

I was feeding my child when our wooden door slammed shut. I made no mistake when Rod was spit out that messy order.

His hair was messy, and his clothes were tangled, but despite this, he was still able to smile and carry Jihan to easily tease.

“You should eat,” I said. There he looked up at me and quickly kissed me on the forehead.

“I’ll just get dressed for a moment. Let’s eat together,” he replied as he lowered Jihan.

“How was your day? Are you tired? “

Just a few words, but I came back with a smile. Although we were not fortunate enough to have financial things, Rod was consistent in expressing his love.

In four years, he has not missed a day saying those words to me.

“I’m fine. All right, get dressed first to eat.”

In four years, I got used to that kind of lifestyle. Just so, whenever I think of Mommy’s fate. . . and what life we can give Jihan, especially when he grows up, I can’t help but feel despair too.

When I went to bed after I put Jihan to bed, too, I also planned to talk to Rod.

Because these past few days, nothing else bothers me but the loss of mommy that we have never been able to talk about.

I can’t imagine why.

I can’t imagine why he couldn’t even talk to me about mommy’s disappearance.

He did not even ask me what I planned to do.

“Rod. . .” I lay down next to him and then looked up at the ceiling. I want to talk to him, and I want to say all my grievances and cry with him. I also want to work hard so I can just forget what I was thinking.

I also want to feel that I am not alone. That he is ready to help me. . . that he is ready to listen.

“Mommy’s gone, and I didn’t have a chance to be with her until her last day. I can’t even visit her. I-I want to go to her but. . . I also have no reason to come back. I don’t know. It just hurts. She promised, eh. She promised that she would wait for us.”

I was hoping for an answer from the man beside me, but when I could not hear anything, I turned to him.

Only his weak snoring answered me.

It looks like I have no choice but to fight again with whatever pain and thoughts.

“Mom, please. . . help me.”