Chapter 32 Don’t Trust Her
Raina never believed Kian would address the elephant in the room, but there he was with his hand securing her chin as her world fell apart around her. Not only that, she felt too weak to fight him off and escape this inevitable nightmare from unfolding.
It wasn’t that she was overly surprised. He seemed to hint to the idea that he knew the truth last night, but he didn’t confirm it. She made it known that she didn’t think he’d choose her in the end and he didn’t deny it. She thought it was the end of the matter, because he would have to murder Octavius to prove his loyalty to her and she knew he wouldn’t since he would never cause Mia pain.
She had yet to process the earlier events, because he was already here, towering off the bed and over her. His eyes pinned her into place.
“Kian,” she begged.
He shook his head. “I’ve let you keep your secrets and I was a fool to think I could figure out a way to make you understand.” A bitter smile crossed his face before it skewed into a slash of a smirk. “But you’re so stubborn, Raina. You have to make everything more complicated than it needs to be.”
“Stop it,” she growled out, trying to push it at his hands.
He was making her sound like everything was her fault. She couldn’t help it that she was his fated mate not Mia. She even hid the truth for years as her own secret to take to her grave. She tried to be deserving of some role in his life, but he had to ruin it all.
“No!” he roared out, losing control of his anger and temper. “This is all your fault, Raina, don’t you get that?” Her heart sank at that until all her broken pieces shattered. She had tried to save him from this. She truly did. His grip on her chin was like a vice and he refused to release her. “If you would’ve just said the truth from the beginning, none of this would’ve happened!”
Tears slipped down on her cheeks. “Stop--”
“All this unnecessary pain, all these fucking secrets,” he cut in as he continued to shatter her world. “All of it could’ve been prevented if you--”
“Haven’t I suffered enough?!” she screamed out hysterically as she tried to frantically claw at his hands.
She knew if he continued there would be no coming back for the chaos in her mind and heart. Her soul would be damaged beyond repair. All she wanted him was to accept her, find her deserving some way, and be of service. He took that away from her — the only way she could do any good.
He released his grip on her face only to securely grab her wrists and slam them above against the headboard of his bed. She didn’t even feel the pain, but she knew it was hard enough to leave bruises. Both of them were lingering in dangerous states of emotional intensity and they were too close to snapping. They were too close to the fire to not be consumed by the flames.
“You didn’t have to suffer at all!”
His shout was a roar — a battlecry.
His eyes were a raging storm with the promise of thunder and lightning. His body was a coiled snake ready to strike. She could see the signs of his legendary restraint eroding and it was because of her and she hated herself for it. She hated herself for never being enough.
She hated that she could never be Mia.
She hated that she could never be as beautiful as she was.
She hated that she had brown hair instead of platinum blond.
She hated that she had a smaller chest where Mia always had hers on full display.
She hated her wider hips.
She hated everything about herself, because she knew he would never be happy with what she pathetically offered.
“I just wanted you to see me,” she whispered in devastation. “I-I just wanted you to…” she trailed off shaking her head. Her entire body shook, quaking at the emotions rising within her. “I just want to be close to you--”
“Why?” he growled.
Tears blinded her vision. “Because I couldn’t have your heart so I took what scraps I could! I just want you to know me! I want you to know my name even if you called hers out!”
She tried desperately to curl within herself. She just wanted to curl up into a fetal position like she had in the past and lick her wounds in private. She wanted not to hurt this bad, but all her poorly healed wounds had been ripped open and she was bleeding out right in front of him to her shame and humiliation.
His hands held her wrists, forcing her to break in front of him. She never wanted him to see how pathetic she truly was. It was pathetic that she fought so hard to just to be close to him, even though she knew he could never love her like she loved him. Her body was a bitch in heat, knowing it could never get what it truly wanted yet still craved any form of intimacy. Her soul had recognized him, but even her heart and mind belonged to him, betraying her in the worst way.
She loved him — everything about him. She loved how his eyes sparked mischievously when he had the upper hand, how his mouth had so many different way to tell and reflect how he felt, how his mind worked like a detective on a case resolute in solving a puzzle, and how efficiently and smoothly he fought. She loved his savageness that he reined in for Mia’s sake, but she had seen that fierceness flare and surge to life like a wildfire, ready to overtake and conquer the world.
She loved it all.
She loved every side and facet of him.
She refused to force a bond, because she loved him too much to hurt him like that.
“I love you,” she whimpered pathetically, revealing her deepest, darkest secret. She barely registered that his eyes had widened at her confession. “I love you so much and it never stopped even knowing how much you loved her. It never stopped even though it literally killed me to feel you loving her. It kills me that I love you so much even though I shouldn’t, because I know the truth that you’d never willingly want someone like me.”
He shook his head. “That’s not true--”
“Isn’t it?” she murmured, bowing her head. “You’re only touching me now to make an heir. You wouldn’t even chose me—”
“I did though,” he interrupted her. She could feel his hands and fingers, trying to brush the wetness from her face. “I’ve chosen you since the moment you made yourself known to me. I helped train you. I normally don’t handle training, did you forget that?”
She blinked, trying to clear her vision. She gazed up into his eyes, taking in the features of his gorgeous face. His rage had cooled a little bit, but maybe, it was just the eye of the storm. She hated when he was disappointed with her, because she never wanted to fail him yet she felt like she had.
She had failed to protect him from herself, her stupid emotions, and her desires.
“I trained you, because I believed in your strength, your tenacity, and your intelligence,” he told her, causing her to focus on him and his words. “I trained you, because I knew that you were going to be important to me somehow. I wanted you to succeed. I didn’t know why, but I knew that there was something about you that set you apart and above everybody else. I didn’t understand it, but I do now.”
Tears once again prickled the back of her eyelids. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.”
“You’re one of the strongest wolves I know, Raina,” he corrected her with an aggravated sigh. “I chose you to be my Beta, because you are my strongest female warrior… but it’s more than that, I felt like I could trust you even though I didn’t truly know. So yes, it made the most sense to me to chose you as my Luna, because I can’t think of anyone or anything that surpasses you that I would trust wholeheartedly.”
She frowned in confusion before she found the courage to speak the thoughts at the fringe of her mind. “And you don’t trust Mia?”
He paused, hesitating for a moment. Her eyes snapped to his and her breath caught. It was the first time that she realized she had missed something incredibly important. She felt it deep into her bones likes a chronic persistent ache. He bit his bottom lip as her eyes narrowed suspiciously. She knew when he was keeping something from her… and something wasn’t adding up correctly.
Why hadn’t Kian chosen Mia as his Luna? At the time, he didn’t know that she was his fated mate, but he had chosen her as his Luna due to his trust in her. She didn’t quite know when he found out, but her instincts were screaming at her to finally listen.
“You don’t trust her,” she gasped softly.
He took a deep breath before he released it.
“No, I don’t.”
His confession took her breath away as she continued to stare at him in shock. How long had he been harboring these emotions? Why and when did he have this change of heart?