Chapter 36 Homesick
"I told you. It was practical."
"Nyx."
I sighed. "Because I'm trying to make this work. This marriage. This kingdom. Whatever we're supposed to be to each other. I'm trying to find a place here, and part of that means solving problems. The human loans are a problem. Elowyn's resentment is a problem. The marriage alliance solves both."
"So you are being strategic."
"I am always strategic. It's the only way to survive."
He was quiet for a long moment. Then: "You are better at this than I am."
"At what?"
"Politics. Strategy. Seeing the bigger picture." He turned to face me, his silver eyes glinting in the moonlight. "I was raised to be a king, but you, you were born to rule. It's different."
"What's different?"
"You make it look easy."
I laughed, low and tired. "It's not easy. I ruled alongside my brothers, but it is Eris that takes the reins. Ruling is exhausting. I just don't let anyone see that."
"Why not?"
"Because the moment I show weakness, they'll destroy me. Your sister. Your court. Everyone who's been waiting for the monster to prove she's not strong enough." I closed my eyes. "I can't afford to be weak, Cardan. Not here. Not ever."
The mattress shifted. I felt him move closer, not touching, but close enough that I could feel the warmth of his body across the cold sheets. The winter-storm scent of him wrapped around me.
"You don't have to be strong all the time," he said quietly. "Not with me."
"With you most of all."
"Why?"
"Because you are the one who has the power to break me."
The words hung in the darkness. I hadn't meant to say them. They had slipped out, a truth I hadn't even admitted to myself.
Cardan was silent for a long moment. Then, so softly I almost missed it:
"I don't want to break you, Nyx."
I didn't answer. I didn't know how.
We lay there in the darkness, inches apart, the weight of everything unspoken pressing down on both of us.
And for the first time since our wedding night, the silence between us felt less like a chasm and more like a bridge.
\-----------------------------
The letter arrived on a gray morning, carried by a shadow raven that had flown all the way from Hel.
I recognized the bird immediately, its feathers were not true feathers but wisps of solidified darkness, its eyes twin embers of violet flame, very similar to mine. It landed on my balcony railing with a soft, irritated caw, as if to say do you have any idea how far I've flown?
"Sorry," I murmured, untying the scroll from its leg. "I don't control where I live."
The raven gave me a look that suggested this was not an acceptable excuse, then dissolved into smoke.
The letter was in Maz's handwriting.
Little sister,
I hope this finds you well. Or at least not murdered by golden Fae pricks. If you have been murdered, I will be very upset. I've already started planning an extremely dramatic revenge.
I laughed out loud. Ash, curled on my pillow, lifted his head in inquiry.
Hel is quiet without you. Too quiet. Eris is insufferable, he's thrown himself into ruling with the kind of grim determination usually reserved for funeral rites. I've told him to relax. He told me to stop setting things on fire. We compromise: I only set small things on fire, and he pretends not to notice.
But that's not why I'm writing.
I've met someone.
I sat up straighter.
Her name is Sybil. She's a scholar from the Wraith Courts, brilliant, sharp-tongued, and absolutely terrifying. She told me my jokes were "pedestrian and uninspired" within five minutes of meeting me. I think I'm in love. Eris thinks she's a spy. Grandmother Silk examined her palm and said her fate-line was "entangled with great change." Vesper hissed at her for a full hour before deciding she was acceptable.
I wish you could meet her. I wish you could come home, even for a day. The palace feels wrong without you. The shadows miss you. The people miss you. I miss you.
Eris sends his love. He won't say it, but he does. He stares at your portrait sometimes when he thinks no one is watching. Don't tell him I told you.
Write back soon. And don't let the golden pricks win.
Your favorite brother,
Maz
P.S. Ash had better be behaving. If he's set fire to any Aurelian furniture, I want detailed descriptions.
I read the letter twice. Then a third time. My chest ached with a feeling I couldn't quite name, happiness and sadness tangled together, joy for my brother and grief for the distance between us.
He's in love. Maz, my reckless, irreverent, wonderful brother, had found someone. Someone who challenged him. Someone who made him want to be better.
And I wasn't there to see it.
I pressed the letter to my chest and stared out at the golden city beyond my window. Aurelia Prime glittered in the morning light, all marble and gold and impossible beauty. It was a dream of a city. It was also a cage.
I missed Hel. I missed the eternal twilight and the bone-spires and the violet sky. I missed Vesper's chittering laughter and Eris's steady presence and the way the shadows welcomed me like an old friend. I missed being someone who belonged.
Here, I was a queen. A consort. A wife. But I was not home.
Ash nudged my hand with his nose, a low rumble of concern vibrating through his small body.
"I'm fine," I told him. "Just... tired."
He didn't believe me. He always knew when I was lying.
\-———————————
My monthly flow arrived that afternoon.
I should have expected it. The timing was right, I had been tracking my cycles since I was thirteen, a habit Vesper had instilled in me. But the combination of homesickness and hormones hit me like a wave, dragging me under into a deep, irritable melancholy.
"I'm staying in my chambers tonight," I told Liriel. "Tell the King I'm unwell."
"Unwell how?"
"Unwell as in if anyone speaks to me I might set them on fire."
"Understood, Your Majesty."
My handmaidens prepared everything with quiet efficiency. Warm compresses. Ginger tea. A hot water satchel wrapped in leather. They drew the enchanted curtains tight, plunging the room into perfect darkness, and lit candles that smelled of night-blooming jasmine, a scent from home.
I curled up in my own bed, in my own chambers, and let myself be miserable.
Ash curled up on my stomach, his warmth soothing the cramps. I stroked his scales absently and stared at the ceiling.
Maz was in love. Eris was staring at my portrait. Vesper was hissing at potential threats. Life in Hel was continuing without me, and I was here, in a golden cage, bleeding and exhausted and desperately, pathetically lonely.
I could use the pendant, I thought. Just for an hour. Just to see them.
But I couldn't. Three wishes. Three escapes. I couldn't waste one on homesickness. If I was going to visit, it had to be for something important. I had only three visits.
I couldn't risk using one now.
So I lay in the dark and let the tears come.
\-——————————
The knock came an hour after sunset.
"Your Majesty?" Thalia's voice, soft through the door. "The King has sent something for you."