Harmino, Kabanata 12

Another three years came. Graduate na. 

Everybody seems so happy even if they don't receive or receive any awards. They have their parents there, congratulating them. A fragrant bouquet from their lovers. A friend they leaned to when they're having a hard day.

While I got none. A familiar empty feeling hit me again as I watched them smiling from ear to ear while the coldness of the wind was hitting my soft hair. Hinahangin na ang toga ko pero hindi ko iyon hinawakan para kusa iyong umalis sa aking ulo.

Pwede pala 'yon? Minsan, kahit sa mga magulang na pinanggalingan mo ng buhay at dugo ay hindi mo mararamdaman na pamilya mo sila. O kahit maging comfortable manlang sa presensya nila?

Wala ang nag-iisang kaibigan kong si Charles. Walang nagtatangkang lumapit sa akin dahil babad ako sa pag-aaral upang mailayo ko ang sarili sa isipin na masyadong masakit ang mga nasabi ko kay Nirca noon. Wala akong kaibigan, walang magulang, walang boyfriend.

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Not on my family, not on my friends, not on my dreams. Not even in my own self. But later on I realized that you only have control of yourself and who you let in your own circle. Because if I don't try to control myself of what I will allow to let in my life, I would feel more alone even with a lot of so-called friends everywhere.

Because if you don't feel comfortable with your own friends, even if you have the largest circle you will never feel like they're your friends. Maybe they feel like I am their friend but they never were mine. Because I'm not comfortable in their presence and I will never be. That's why I couldn't tell them anything about my life to get to know me.

It's okay to be alone. But I told myself it was never okay to feel alone. So sometimes, I take myself on a date with me.  

Imagining what would change if I just trusted Nirca before.

Sikat na pala 'yon sa Pilipinas, 'no? Lalo na noong nagtop siya sa Architecture board exam at isa pang summa cum laude. Dahil nasa kanya palagi ang atensyon ng lahat, kanya siguro naisipan niyang pumasok sa show biz.

"May boyfriend ka na ba, Nirca?" tanong ng interviewer sa pinapanood kong interview kay Nirca sa YouTube.

"Wala po," Nirca chuckled. "Wala po akong balak mag ganyan po, focus muna sa career."

I felt relief in myself. Akala mo talaga may chance siya kay Nirca, eh ang dami-daming masasamang sinabi para sa babaeng mahal niya noon.

She was wearing a red ribbon and a dress. She looks more feminine and elegant. Before, she's always wearing revealing clothes.

'Nirca Harmino's agency finally revealed the actress and actor Arwen De Salas is officially dating'.

She's dating guys now, huh? 

Tiningnan ko ang wallpaper ko na picture naming dalawa noong nasa bathroom kami. Parehas kaming naka-black face mask at may twalya pa sa buhok. Ito lang ang narecover ko sa deleted photos namin na nasa cellphone ko.

I only focused on my work. Because at least, my work won't cheat. I ain't hating on men, but I know what the majority of them are like. And I have no time for them so I'd rather drown in pending paperworks I have to sign than have a relationship with trashy people even knowing we would just break up in the end.

And then one day, Mason gave birth to her son. Sa kasal naman ni Maxea at ng girlfriend niyang si Thea ay iyak kami nang iyak ni Malax. Tapos sunod niyan, umalis na si Malax papuntang Rio Callegos upang doon mag-voluntary work as a nurse.

Another year, and another year, and another year. Another two years passed. Another three years.

"Auntie Syne!" tumakbo papunta sa akin ang anak ni Mason na si Dortan.

Nakangiti akong umupo para salubungin siya. "Hi there, Dorrie! It's been a while, huh?" binigyan niya ako ng mahigpit na yakap. Tinanaw ko si Mason na nakangiti sa likod ni Dortan habang tinitingnan ang anak.

"Bumalik na ba si Malax?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Sa Pilipinas raw siya hihinto. Duda ako roon, feeling ko may girlfriend iyon." sagot ko.

Binuhat ko si Dortan papunta sa dining table. Kumandong siya sa akin. Kaharap namin ang lolo niyang gumaling na sa dating sakit two years ago pero inatake naman ng bagong sakit ngayon. At ang lola niyang pinapansin lang ako pag may kailangan na pera.

"Granny!" My nephew looked happy when his grandmother gave him a new box of dinosaur toy. 

"You don't have to, but thank you," Mason looked at the blonde awkwardly. "You should eat first, Dortan. Or else I'll take that toy away from you. Understand?"

Dortan pouted and hugged me, making me chuckle. Sa akin siya palagi nagsusumbong.

"You're coming back to the Philippines?" mom asked while cutting the steak with the table knife. Her diamond sparkling earring sparkled when it was reflected by the sunlight.

"Yes. That's why Mason came here because we're both going to talk to Dortan's teacher about my nephew moving to another country." sagot ko.

"What about the company?" She looked more worried about that than her own daughter.

I deeply sighed to keep myself together before answering. "I have plans for that. You don't have to ask me."

"Are you still familiar with the Philippines, sweetie? It's been a decade since you last stepped foot in that country." dad asked. "You should--"

I raised my brows. "I'm already an adult. Don't tell me what to do. I know there's a lot of changes there so I arranged everything before planning to go back to that place." 

Tumango-tango si daddy at tumingin sa asawa niya. Tila ba nag-uusap sila sa sarili nilang lengguwahe.

"And another reason is my best friend Charles is getting married. I have to be there." dagdag ko pa.

"You should get married too! I'm excited for another grandkid!" ngumiti si mommy roon na para bang napakagandang ideya non.

"I will never get married." diretsahang sagot ko at ibinaba si Dortan sa gilid bago tumayo. "I'll just change. I don't have an appetite to eat anymore."

Nakabihis na naman talaga ako. Gusto ko lang umalis doon. Baka sumabog pa ako sa harap ni Dortan. Ayaw kong mangyari iyon.

Tumabi sa akin si Dortan. Nandito na pala sa mini garden ang mag-ina. Alam talaga ni Mason ang pinupuntahan ko kapag pasabog na ako.

"Are you okay, auntie?" the boy with green eyes asked.

Ngumiti ako at tumingin sa ina niya bago tumango. "Let's go. I want to eat somewhere after." bumalik ang tingin ko sa bata. "And get this little boy some clothes and toys!" ginulo ko ang buhok niya.

Tumalon-talon si Dortan dahil sa saya. Yumakap agad siya sa akin.

Pumunta kami sa school niya. Dahil nasa kindergarten pa lang si Dortan ay kaunti lang ang tao roon. Puro bata lang.

When my sister and I entered the classroom, her cellphone rang.

"Sorry, sis, I'll be back. I have to take this call from my husband's sister," she gave me an apologetic look. "Don't leave Auntie Syne's side, okay?" She reminded her son.

Dortan innocently nodded and held my hand. "This way, auntie." he guided me inside.

A woman with ponytailed brown wavy hair and a slender figure approached me with a smile on her face. "Good morning, ma'am! Hi, Dortan," tumingin siya sa batang lalaki.

"Hello ma'am, I'm Dortan's aunt. His mom is outside taking an important call. Is it okay if I get the papers by myself?" tanong ko. "We'll be moving to another country this year and it's on asia. Maybe we'll be there for good."

Tumango-tango siya at ngumiti. "Is that so, okay sure! Give me a sec." hinanap niya ang papel ni Dortan sa mga box at cabinet. Ibinigay naman niya agad sa akin iyon nang makita niya ito. "Here. Do you mind if I ask what country in Asia you're moving to? I'm also from Asia. Southeast asia."

Masaya ko siyang tiningnan bago ko inabot ang papel, "Really? We'll be moving to the Philippines."

Her eyes widened. "You're a Filipina?"

"By heart." ngumiti ako. 

"I'll be moving there this year, too. I just have to fix some things before going back." aniya. "My name is Armenia Carmelette Pascual, by the way." inabot niya ang kanyang kamay.

"Mnemosyne Zcimin Crosette. Should we see each other there?" tinanggap ko ang kamay niya.

"Definitely!" she chuckled. "When you came in I thought you were a bit familiar. I wonder if we've seen each other before. Perhaps a decade ago? College days?"

Umiling ako. "I don't remember a lot." pagsisinungaling ko.

Sa lahat nga ng memories ko, iyon ang pinakanaaalala ko.

Nag-usap pa kami nang kaunti bago siya nakatanggap ng tawag sa kanyang cellphone.

"Excuse me, let me take this." aniya at tumalikod.

"Syne, ayos na? Tara," tumakbo palapit sa akin si Mason.

Humarap ako ulit sa teacher para sana magpaalam pero mukhang mahaba pa ang pag-uusapan nila noong tao sa telepono.

"Nirca? Nandito ka sa New Jersey? Gago ka talaga. Sabi sa 'yo magsabi ka sa akin. Naligaw ka pa! Tanga, anong Hannari? bumalik si Hannari sa Pilipinas last month. Nasaan ka?" diretsong-diretso ang pagtagalog ng guro habang sinesermonan nito ang kausap sa cellphone. Kahit pabulong ay rinig pa rin namin.

"Nirca?" humarap sa akin si Mason.

Minatahan ko siya. "Maraming Nirca sa mundo."

Kumain muna kami sa isang restaurant bago kami pumunta nila Mason sa mall. Tuwang-tuwa si Dortan sa nakikita. Lahat ay tinuturo pero ayaw ni Mason kaya ako na lang 'ka ko ang bibili. Pati tuloy ako ay sinesermonan ni Mason.

"What about this?" tinuro ko ang isang cartoon toy.

"I'm five, auntie! I'm a grown up. I don't need that kind of toy." proud na sabi ni Dortan kaya agad siyang piningot ni Mason na agad kong tinampal ang kamay para kumawala. "You're so cruel, mommy! I feel that auntie Syne is my mom, not you." yumakap sa bewang ko ang batang lalaki.

"Do you want us to leave you here?" hamon ni Mason sa anak.

Dortan snorted. "Mommy Syne will not leave me here."

Humalakhak ako sa sinabi ng anak niya. Luko-lukong bata, binelatan pa ang sariling ina kaya mas lalong naiinis si Mason.

"Crocodile!" may tinuro si Dortan sa taas pagkalabas namin sa mall. Nakangiti kong tiningnan iyon pero agad ding nawala ang paglapad ng labi ko sa nakita. "Crocodile!" ulit nito at tumalon-talon.

Hinila agad ako ni Mason dahil doon.

Nakita namin ang malaking digital billboard. Tumatakbo sa AD si Nirca habang suot ang zipped stripe sweatshirt ng isang sikat na brand na may crocodile logo. 

"Mommy! Crocodile!" hinila kami pabalik ni Dortan para makita ulit ang billboard.

"Dortan, stop!" saway ni Mason dito. "Do you want me to paint your room pink with hello kitty design?"

Tumigil naman sa pagtatalon si Dortan at ngumuso. "Okay, mommy,"

"Ayos ka lang?" bulong ni Mason sa akin.

Tumango ako, kahit taliwas iyon sa katotohanan.

Akala ko siguro sa sarili ay madali akong makalimot? Eh nag-e-exist lang kami sa isang mundo ni Nirca kaya hanggat buhay pa ako, lagi ko talaga siyang makikita kahit saan.

"Auntie, I want that one please," tinuro ni Dorton ang isang stall na nagbebenta ng burgers at fries.

"Okay," binitawan ko ang kamay niya.

"Don't spoil him too much, Mnemosyne," Mason reminded me.

Ngumiti ako at tumango.

Nakatingin pa lang ako sa kanya nang manlaki ang mga mata niya. Bumangga ako sa isang babae na naka-knitted white polo dress at naka-shades.

"Hello, I'm sorry, can I ask where the Wildwood boardwalk is?" the woman asked, she sounds exactly like Nirca.

"Crocodile!" tinuro ni Dortan ang logo ng dress nung babae.

Nag-angat ng tingin sa akin ang babae. She brushed her fingers through her hair because of the harsh wind before removing her shades a bit, making me see her eyes.

Making me confirm that I'm facing my ex-girlfriend right now.