|25| Fedelini-3

"Neither. I'm annoyed you kept it from me." "Kept the drinking or the car--?" "Does it matter?" he interrupted with a snap, standing up from the sofa. Instinctively, I also rose from where I perched, clenching my fists as I braced myself for an argument. "What would telling you have done? You'd have only worried and I wouldn't have been able to convince you it was nothing!" "Convince me now, then," he challenged. I shook my head to myself and yanked out the dining table's chair, collapsing into it. I stared out across the room to avoid looking at Nathan's furious face. Mirroring my actions, Nathan lowered himself back down onto the sofa, and I felt the anger gradually disperse again. When he spoke, his voice was softer. "You told me that one of the things you find most frustrating—upsetting—about long distance is that disconnection. Feeling like we're not part of each other's lives. Bella, how would you have felt if it was me who got hit by a car on a night out?" I'd imagined the scene in my head hundreds of times, and almost every time I'd acknowledged my anger. Anger at the driver. Anger at Nathan for being careless, being drunk, not paying attention. Anger at not being there to look after him once it happened. "You don't have to tell me I'm a hypocrite," I said. "I'm not the one calling you a hypocrite, Bella." He could have said it with real bitterness and venom, but he didn't. He almost sounded sad about it. "I was ashamed, Nathan. No matter how many times they all told me that it wasn't my fault, it felt like it was. I couldn't help wondering whether it would have happened if I'd been sober. If I'd heard the car coming. If I'd been walking further away from the curb. And I wasn't hurt, but my ego was still damaged. It was embarrassing having everyone fuss over me. I didn't want you to panic too." "And I would have." All anger had evaporated as we both sat on our respective chairs, slowly opening up to one another. "I'm sorry," I said. "It was a bad call on my part. Whatever the justification for not telling you, the main reason for telling you should have outweighed it. You're right. We do need to continue sharing each other's lives as much as we can. And I haven't played my part in that recently." Nathan stretched out to arm and jerked his head for me to join him. I settled against his side, nestling my head in his chest and closing my eyes as he stroked my hair. "There's nothing more to it, is there?" he asked, almost too quietly for me to hear. "What do you mean?" "You're not deliberately holding back from me to protect yourself?" "No, Nathan. Of course not." "Because I'd understand it," he said. "I've hurt you. You put in so much effort and I threw it back in your face. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to avoid that happening again." "I promise that's not the case at all. If it were, I'd be far more worried about our relationship." Nathan sighed and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. His hand stroked my upper arm in a gentle rhythm, coaxing me, calming me. "So you're not worried?" "I'm not going to say I'm not worried," I replied, "because obviously a small part of me is always going to fear that something might happen to us while we're apart. But I'm not spending every hour actively fretting over it, if that's what you mean." "I love you so much, Bella." "I love you, too." "There was something else I wanted to talk to you about," he then said, and I hated my instinctive reaction of panic. "Sure," I said, with a concerted effort to keep my voice light and cheery. "So I didn't get that placement opportunity, but I've spoken to my managers and they've agreed I can work remotely for a short period of time. As long as I can maintain my productivity and schedule in some meetings with local clients, they'd see the value in it." I leaned back to properly look at him, assuming I must be misunderstanding what he was saying, but the small smile on his face, brimming with hope, suggested I hadn't. "Work remotely?" "Yeah. I don't want to take the piss, so I thought maybe just until Jack's Valentine's party in Paris, and then you can fly back here afterwards, and I'd go back to London." Jack's Valentine's party was in two weeks. Two whole weeks. "So you'd stay out here for another two weeks?" "If you'll have me." He offered me a crooked smile, but my only response was to pull his mouth to mine and cover that smile with my lips. ❄❄❄