SUZIE
The blade was against my skin. They say, when you feel something sharp against your skin, you feel the coldness of that thing that is pressed against your skin. When the world is too loud for you, you try your best to shush them. But you can't. You can't make them shut up. Until you are at your wits end and you try to just put it all behind you. You chose the silence and the little bit of you that's left inside you.
It is all a lie. Nothing about this is true. Whoever came up with that urban legend or whatever, was a complete moron. The blade against my skin felt like a naked wire that was passing a high voltage of electricity through and through. And I was feeling that pressed against my skin. Yet, it was still not enough to jolt me back to reality.
Everything was quiet around me. Either the world around me was mute, or I had gone deaf. I could feel my heart drumming against my rib cage. But I couldn't hear it ringing in my ears as usual. I knew what I was doing. I was not insane.
I closed my eyes and the fresh set of tears flowed freely from my eyes. My lips quivered. I never wanted to die like that. I wanted to find someone who could love me. Have as many kids with him as I can. Then grow old with him and die in his arms. I wanted to be loved. I never wanted the hatred.
I never would have thought that I would be the first one on the list of people who hated me. It was official that I hated myself the most. When the pain was finally at the point where it was unbearable for me, I decided to do it.
I was about to cut it through when I heard him. “SUZIE!!!” He screamed! It was Monty. And his voice was the only thing I heard after I heard my father say those words. Those painful and unfair words. That Ariana was infertile because of my stupidity, greed and cowardliness.
The very next second, the knife was snatched away from my hands. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” He howled at me. When I opened my eyes again and looked at him, I didn't see anger in his eyes. I didn't see hatred. I saw something else. It was pure fear.
I couldn't hold it anymore. The tears and the pain. It had started to hurt my chest. I thought, me living a hard life, helping people in need and seeking forgiveness from everyone, would earn me some peace by the time I would die.
Never in my worst nightmare had I thought that I could ever become the reason for someone to just hate life. I broke into tears, screaming my lungs out. I tried to fight him. I tried to get that knife back so I could finally stop hurting from the inside. I tried to, but I couldn't take it from him.
When he couldn't get me to calm down, he slapped me hard in my face. That unbearable silence finally came to an end. I heard a loud ringing in my ear, lying on the bathroom floor, naked.
“What the fuck do you think you were doing here with this sharp knife? Were you planning an easier way out?” He growled at me. He gripped onto my jaw and forced me to look at him. Then he saw my face and just let me go.
He took a few steps away from me for a moment. Then he threw the knife out of the bathroom and sat down on that same bathroom floor where I was lying, clutching onto my cheek that was red and burning because of his slap.
Monty scooped me up on his arms and cradled me on his lap. “Talk to me!” He whispered in my ear. I remembered that gentleness and care I used to hear in his voice from before. It made my heart tickle in a sinful way. Only for me to ignore it because I was done.
“I never knew! I didn't know. I didn't think... I never would have thought.” I tried to make sense as I cried against his chest. All this long, I was doing everything I could to find my soul. But I couldn't find it and I wondered what I was doing so wrong that God didn't want me to have my soul back.
“What happened, Suzie?” Monty asked me again. He grabbed me by both of my arms and shook me. He shook me as hard as he could. For a moment, it felt like he was going to break my neck. But thankfully, he stepped before he could hurt me more.
“I saw Ariana and dad at the hospital today. I was suddenly happy to see them together. Everything I did, all my prayers. I thought my prayers were answered. I thought they were together.” I started, trying my best to explain everything to him. It wasn't easy when you are having a panic attack
“They are together? I knew, sooner or later, he would find her and bring her back. Those two can't live apart. I knew it the day he held her against his chest the very first time. And that was right after her birth.” Monty murmured in my ear. He had pulled me back to his chest. And he was playing with my hair. Listening to him, it broke me even more. How perfect they were together. How imperfect a d lonely they were apart from each other. And how cruel I was to even trying to be the wall in between them.
The were the perfect soulmates for each other. Together, they completed each other. And apart from each other, they were like two broken souls, still trying to live on and trying to fix whatever was broken in them.
I shook my head. “Except, they are not together.” I forced the words out of my mouth. Fisting his shirt tightly, I started crying again.
“What? What do you mean?” He asked, curiosity getting the best of him.
“Tell me, what is it? Why would you want to kill yourself for boss and his wife?” He asked again. He was getting impatient.
“Ariana has not one, but two cancers. And dad brought her back just to get her treated. They are not together.” I informed in a low tone, while trying to control my hiccups.
“She is getting treated, right?” He asked and I nodded my head.
“Then you don't need to be worried about it. Boss will make sure that she gets the best treatment. And as they spend time together, they will find each other's ways back to their happiness that they had built together. It will take no time. They have this rope that is always pulling them toward each other. They can't stay apart.” It was all fantasy and mythology that he was speaking. Except in the case of my dad and Ariana, all those fantasies come true. We had all seen the fantasy turning into reality. .
“I don't think she can ever get back with dad again. I don't think she will ever forgive him.” I intervened, pulling him out of the oceans of his thoughts.
“What? Why? Why would you believe that?” He asked.
“Because the abortion made her infertile. And she knows that it was dad's fault.” I blurted the truth out of my mouth. My face was buried against his chest and I cried my heart out. He was also very silent when he learned the whole truth. We all knew how much she loved the idea of her own family.