SUZIE
I was able to get the morning after pill as an emergency. But I needed something done so I wouldn't have to worry about the pregnancy. I didn't want to carry his children. Ever since I found out how my mom had me just so she could tie dad up with herself, for his wealth and her luxurious life, I had quitted the idea of getting children of my own. I knew, Monty would never understand.
My mom had broken me in ways. She had broken my soul. And there was nothing that could fix it anymore. At the hospital, I was waiting in line for my turn. I hadn't had anything since morning. And it was noon already. My stomach started growling pretty soon.
I stood up and walked toward the nurse who had been calling patients for the gynecologist one after another. “Excuse me! Can you please tell me how long it is going to take?” I asked her while showing her my ticket and she rolled her eyes at me.
“There is a long line. And each of the patients have paid the same amount as you to see the doctor. It will take time.” Well, at least, she wasn't yelling at me, or being mean with me.
“I am sorry. I apologize because it came out wrong. I meant, if my number is far away, I can go to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I am hungry. I didn't mean to rush you or anything.” I was smiling awkwardly as I elaborated.
Finally, she got a tired smile on her face. “It's good to know that not everyone is asking us to hurry up while they themselves want all the time in the world with the doctor. No, honey. Your number will at least take another hour. You can go and have something to eat. All the numbers before you are sitting here, in the waiting line.” she informed me in a gentle tone.
I thanked her. Just as I was about to walk away, I saw dad and Ariana in the same room. She had an IV attached to her hand. And she was puking while dad was comforting her. “Excuse me!” I spoke to get the nurse's attention again. She turned and looked at me.
“What are those two…?” I couldn't complete the sentence. I didn't know how to ask a stranger about my dad.
“Oh! I don't know. She must be pregnant, getting enough fluids for her baby. I'm not her nurse. I'm with the doctor today.” She replied. For a moment, my heart was joyous. I had prayed for months for them to get back together. And I just found out that they weren't just together, they were finally having a baby together. It made me the happiest.
I watched dad walking out of the room. So I approached him from behind. “Daddy!” I called. He stopped and turned around.
“Oh, Suzie! What are you doing here?”
I couldn't tell him why I was at the hospital. So I decided to lie about it. “Just had the flu. So I decided to visit the hospital. What are you two doing? Are you both together again? Is she pregnant?” I asked, suddenly so excited about my dad. He always wanted to have his own family. But my mom only cheated on him.
He was a man with trust issues. People deserved to have their own way of life, the way they liked it. But the controlling bitch my mother actually was, she never really cared about anyone else but herself. Dad turned to look at Ariana who was sleeping in the hospital bed. I saw something on his face. But he was able to mask it very soon, before I could recognize it.
“We aren't together.” He whispered in a small voice.
“Oh! I thought! I really thought…” I tried to, but I couldn't say it out loud. “But then, why are you two here, together?” As always, curiosity got the best of me.
“Because Ariana has a tumor in her brain and cancer in her womb.” My jaw dropped when I heard that.
“Wh…what? How?” I asked.
“A lot has happened. And I don't think she'll ever trust me again. What Valentina did, damaged us completely. There is no hope left for us.” My dad replied. That's when I was able to catch what I saw on his face earlier. It was guilt.
“But the nurse said, … I … I really thought. Why are you here then? Ariana can't hate you. She adores you. I know there must be a misunderstanding.” I just wanted him not to lose hope.
“Ariana will never get back with me again.” He repeated himself, smiling sadly as he looked at her from afar.
“Why? But why?” I asked, trying to push him to tell me what he was still trying to hide from me.
“Because after the abortion, she lost the ability to get pregnant again. Having a family was something she dreamt about. And I ripped that dream from her eyes, when I ripped our baby out of her womb. I know, I don't deserve her back.” My heart sank in the pit of my stomach as I got the whole information out of him. Tears filled my eyes. I knew, I was part of the destruction that man was facing.
“It's nothing for you to worry about. I was supposed to be trusting my wife instead of my ex. I was stupid. Now it's my punishment. You don't need to worry about us one bit.” He added in a low and defeated tone. He was punishing himself for all that was done.
“Dad! You also deserve happiness.” I tried.
“I don't. Especially when I took away all of hers. Anyways. You take care of yourself. And call me if you need anything. Don't try to do everything on your own.” Dad spoke in a low tone, ruffling my hair. Then he turned around and walked away.
I was staring at Ariana. I didn't notice at first, but I could surely see how weak and fragile she actually looked in that hospital bed. She had lost that rosy pink shade of her skin. She looked so very thin. And she looked exhausted.
Her eyes! They used to sparkle with all of her plans about her beautiful future. She had planned everything so perfectly. But now, as I watched her, her eyes looked so dull and empty. As if she had given up on life. Even her smiles didn't reach her eyes.
The ticket in my hands git all scrunched up as I squeezed my hands into fists. I had tears in my eyes. I turned around and walked away. The whole way back home, I was crying my eyes out. I knew it was all my fault. I ruined everyone's lives because I was too selfish and cowardly.
At that point, I believed that Monty was absolutely right about punishing me. I didn't deserve to live. After all that I had done to Ariana and my dad, I just deserve to die a painful death. As I stepped out of the train, I knew what I could actually do.
What I really wanted to do was kill myself so everyone else could be at peace. So everyone else could live their lives. When I reached home, I found myself in an empty and dark apartment. Monty was not home. It was a good thing for me.
I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife from the pantry. My heart was pounding against my rib cage as I made my way to the bathroom. I took my clothes off of my body. Then I filled the tub with warm water and added scent to it. I also lit the candles. I wanted to die in a beautiful way. Not that I deserved it. But it was for my own peace.
I was shaking with both anger and sadness. I was regretting my whole life at that moment. Everything with our family but Ariana was the one hurting the most. She was just caught up in the crossfire. And my mom just made sure Ariana would suffer in ways.
It was never her fault. Monty told me how dad actually forced her to marry him. He used his ways to manipulate the whole thing. I felt sorry for that woman. She never hurt anyone, not even unconsciously. She was nice to even insects.
I soaked myself in the warm water. The comfort I sought, I could no longer find it anywhere. After all, I just found out that I was not just a reason for someone's destruction. I was a murderer and I ruined Ariana's life. She used to tell me that she couldn't walk away from dad. And I was selfish enough to ask her to do it anyway. I broke into tears. I cried, I screamed. I slapped myself in the face. I wanted myself punished before I die.