Chapter 44- Shattered

⚠ Proceed with caution 

•••

Lale pushed through the door of the apartment and walked in, the click of her heels echoing through the quiet building.

"Aslan? brother are you in here?" she called out, advancing through the abandoned building. The last time she had been in there was when she was five and yet, she still felt uneasy being in there. Her memories in the apartment were something she had locked somewhere in the back of her mind with no access to them, but as she walked further in, the memories came back to her in a rush. Her head began to spin as a wave of nausea hit her, making her knees grow week.

Lale halted -mid-step, contemplating whether to go in or not. Her memories in the house were gruesome and little as she was, she promised not to return there, but now, she had broken her promise all because of her brother's reckless decision to let go of the only person who was able to bring him out of his shell.

With a shaky breath, she made up her mind. Aslan was definitely going to get an earful from her for making her come to the place that was a nightmare to her whole family.

{••}

"Could you not have chosen some place a little bit homier?" she scrunched her face when she came face to face with him, shivering from the memories haunting her.

"What do you want Lale?" he inquired, his gaze not moving from the unlit fireplace.

"Why did you do it?" she questioned sharply, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I do not answer to you Lale," he responded with full composure, staring into the empty teacup he was drinking from. "Now, leave from here."

"You are right you do not answer to me, but you do answer to your Lord. So tell me, brother, what would you tell Him when you die without reconciling with your wife, huh? What would you say to Him if she dies today without knowing the real reason you asked her to leave? Don't push me away, please. I already lost a brother once, please don't make me lose another," she added when he kept mum.

"I am messed up Lale. I can not provide her with the love that she deserves," came his gruff voice, cutting into the dense atmosphere.

"You are messed up?" she scoffed. "We are all messed up Aslan. I know you are more messed up than I am or Muhan was. I am so messed up that  I can not say yes to the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with because I still have a phobia of relationships. I am scared that he will turn out to be just like him and that I will end up just like Anne was. But you my brother, you already have Najmah and..."

"Lale," he cut her off. "Let it go, the damage has already been done."

"As..."

"Lalehan!"

"Fine!" she huffed. "Wake up brother, wake up and go fix things with her before she hates you more than she already does. You never for once stopped to think about what it might mean to us or what Anne will go through. You are just like him, a selfish and insensitive person. Like father, like son."

"Leave!" he roared, making her flinch. Her words had cut through him, his resolve finally giving way.

She turned and headed towards the exit without another word.

"I will relish in seeing her tear you to shreds brother for what you put her through and what you put us through," she threw over her shoulder.

As her footsteps resided, he sank to his knees and let out a guttural cry that tore his core to shreds. He had really done it. He was no different from the man that fathered him.

{••}

Ferah froze in the doorway when she found Aslan in her room, waiting for her. She closed her eyes to contain her rage as she advanced towards him, her body shaking with each attempt to mask her fury. But as she stood beside him, her efforts became futile and her hand descended on his flesh.

He did nothing to stop her as he felt sharp stings penetrate his skin, one after the other till she had her fill.

"She was the best thing for you Aslan. How could you? After everything we've been through, this is how you want to repay us? How could you let her slip through your fingers?" she inquired, placing her hand over her forehead, inhaling and exhaling sharply.

"But am I the best for her?" he muttered slowly, razing his head to meet her gaze.

"I want you to leave," she pointed at the door of her bedroom. "Get out of my house."

"Anne..."

"Aslan!" she called out sharply. "Leave from here. I won't ask you again."

"You promised Anne..." he spoke lowly, his voice hoarse from all the silence. "You promised never to turn your back on me."

She stilled, the color draining from her face as she turned to face him. He knew not to use those words on her, but it was his leverage, the only way he could get her to listen to him.

"I made a mistake, Anne but please don't turn your back on me. If you do I'll..." he paused, sinking down on his knees.

She crouched down to his level, tears streaming down her face.

"I won't leave you, I'll be here with you."

"She hates me, Anne, she will never forgive me. I messed things up badly," he held his face in his palms, his body shaking with the intensity of his sobs. "Onuincittim, beni asla affet meyecek."  (I hurt her, she is never going to forgive me.)

"I killed Bedia, I loved her, but I killed her and now Najmah...I hurt her, I love her, but I hurt her. I'm just like him, I'm a murderer. I thought I had things under control,  I thought...I thought that I was ready to move on, but I'll never be ready Anne, it will always come back to me," he sobbed into his palms, confessing the crimes he had kept hidden.

"Shh," she held his head, to try and get him to focus. "You did nothing wrong, okay? Everything's going to be alright. You didn't kill Bedia, okay? You are not a murderer and you are not like him. I will fix this."

"I am scared," he admitted, his sobs subsidising.

"It's okay to be scared," she cooed. "Stop bottling things up, okay? You need to let it all out."

"I am a murderer," he repeated, jerking out of her hold. "I killed Bedia."

"Stop saying that!" she grabbed his neck into a firm hold. "It was an accident."

"It was not," his lips trembled, tears flowing down his face. "I killed her."

She froze again, feeling her throat go dry. She was silent as Aslan words began to register in every corner of her conscience at that moment.

"Aslan," she drew in a breath, choosing her next words carefully. "Tell me what really happened that night."

"I didn't mean to," he replied, his eyes glossing over. "The road was slick and wet after the storm, I was still grieving Muhan's death and...and she was trying to break up our engagement. I was high, I couldn't see past my anger and then we started shouting at each other and...and...she was going to leave me, Anne."

His voice broke as he recounted the memories of the night he had truly lost himself. A tear slipped down her face as she suddenly had a window into the torment her son has been facing since the death of his brother. How could she have not known?

"I didn't see the car coming and the last thing I remember was her face. She was beyond terrified and she looked really disappointed in me. I lied and blamed it on the storm because I...I couldn't handle seeing the same look she gave me before she died on anyone's face. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.It was my fault," he cried out shakily, his knees buckling under pressure."Bençoküzgünüm, ne olur kusura bakma." (I'm so sorry, please forgive me.)

"Seni başarı sız lığauğrattı manneseni, I shouldn't have taken anything that night."(I failed you mother, I failed you.)

"Beni dinle, yanlışbirşeyyapmadın," she grasped his face in both hands. "Nasılolduğunabakılmaksızınbirkazaydı, onuöldürmedin, katildeğilsin. Dünyadanayrılmazamanıgelmişti, devamedebilmekiçinbaşkabiryeregitmesineizinvermekzorundasınız." 

(Listen to me, you did nothing wrong. It was an accident, regardless of how it happened. You didn't kill her, you are not a murderer. It was her time to depart from the world, you have to let it go in order to be able to move on.)

"How do I do that?" he squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his face. "How, Anne?"

"By making peace with your past," she responded, releasing his face.

"No," he replied, going pale. "I can not."

"You can and you will," she replied with finality in her voice despite the tears streaming down her face.

"It is the only way," her face softened as he placed his head on her laps, another bout of fresh tears streaming down his face.

"Her şeyyolunagirecek," she whispered, raking a hand through his hair soothingly. "Sadece hepsini bırak."

(It's going to be alright, just let it all out.)

Mr. Faik stood by the door, watching mother and son bond as they cry their eyes out. It had been such an awful journey for the both of them and just maybe, that was what they needed at the moment; to let their tears flow.

Ferah raised her head, and her gaze fell on him, their eyes connecting with each other. She tried to speak, but he held a finger to his lips, gesturing at Aslan whose head was ducked on her lap. She smiled gratefully at him, before turning her gaze to Aslan. Her eyes were red from the crying and her face burned, yet she couldn't stop the tears from gushing down her face.

Her son had been through a lot and when Najmah had come into their lives, she thought it was the breakthrough her son needed. She thought Najmah was the one who would save him from his tormented past but how wrong she was; he was the only person who could save himself.

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