Del turned the dishwasher on. “She’s six, Justin, and she’s hurt and angry and confused. You really think she’d spend that much energy on hating you if you didn’t matter to her? She’s terrified of loving you because she’s terrified of losing you. She just can’t admit it. Not even to herself, probably.”
Justin swallowed around the knot in his throat. “I wish I could believe that.”
He was still off-kilter from the whole town saying he was gay—if it had reached the elementary school playground bullies, then it had to be from their parents gossiping about it in the first place—and fuck that kid as well for using a slur against Harper. Justin was proud she’d defended herself, and at the same time worried that she’d be the one labeled a troublemaker because of it. Labels like that stuck, and some teachers treated the kids accordingly, and Harper was already feeling the weight of being an O’Dwyer. It had been in elementary school, Justin remembered, that he’d suddenly realized he was different. He hadn’t been invited to parties or sleepovers, and some of the parents told their kids not to play with him because he was a bad influence. As though just by talking to their kids Justin could somehow drag them onto the wrong side of the tracks and keep them there.
He hated that Harper was getting treated that way too.
“I just don’t know what I can do to make sure she knows I’m not going to ditch her again,” he said.
Del leaned back against the counter and folded his arms over his chest. “Did you ditch her the first time?”
“I mean…yeah.”
“I don’t think you did,” Del said. “I think you were a kid who got himself out of a bad home situation. You wouldn’t have been able to take Harper. Of course you wouldn’t have. So what else could you have done?”
Justin shrugged. “Stuck around, maybe? Mom said she’d stay clean, but I knew she wouldn’t. I knew it.”
“That’s not your fault though,” Del said quietly. “Justin, what would sticking around have done to you?”
Justin felt a jolt of panic. “I don’t know. I was just sick of it. I just had to get out.”
He’d been so angry—some of those holes in the wall were because of him. Angry and self-destructive, and knowing that if he stayed under that roof he’d never get out.
“The family…” He cleared his throat. “They were like an anchor around my neck, you know? The fights, and the drugs, and all of it, and it was all just dragging me down and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. When Mom was good she was great, but those other times…those other times I hatedher.”
“I don’t blame you,” Del said. He shook his head. “And neither will Harper, one day, when she’s old enough to realize what you went through.”
Another thing that Justin wished he could believe. For now, he guessed, all he could do was hope that Del was right and that Harper didn’t truly hate him, she was just too afraid to feel any other way about him.
“It scares me how smart you are,” he found himself saying. “It scares me how much I rely on you already.”
Del’s expression grew softer. “I’m not smart, Justin. Not smarter than you, at least. I’m just…” He huffed out a rueful-sounding laugh. “I’m just older. I never would have thought of making a YouTube channel before the book comes out, but I’ll bet that’s exactly the sort of thing my agent will tell me is a brilliant idea. I’ll bet Abigail, my niece, will be able to tell me what I need to set it all up. She’s all over that online stuff.”
“Online stuff,” Justin said, unable to stop his smile. “You say it like you’re a dinosaur. You were on TV, Del! You gotta know this stuff is out there!”
“Oh, I know it’s out there,” Del said. He smiled. “I just don’t know how any of it works. All that publicity stuff? That was Clyde’s sphere, not mine. I just wanted to cook. I was good at the cooking part.”
His smile faded.
“You still are,” Justin said, taking a step forward and closing the distance between them. He marveled at how easy it was to step into Del’s strong embrace, and how right it felt to be there. He tucked his head under Del’s chin. “You’re amazing at the cooking part.”
Del laughed softly. “Thank you, babe.”
Justin shivered.
“What was that for?” Del asked. “You don’t like it when I call you that?”
“I like it,” Justin said, his face growing hot. “I like it a lot, Del.”
Del hummed.