CHAPTER 37

Janaki's POV

"Unnale Ennalum En Jeevan Vaazhudhe! 

Sollamal Un Swasam En Moochil Seruthe.

Un Kaigal Korkum Oor Nodi.

En Kangal Ooram Neer Thuli.

Un Maarbil Saaindhu Saaga Thonudhe."

(Thanks to you, every day my heart beats anew! 

Your breath, without announcing itself, merges with mine.

The second your hands clasp mine, tears align in the alcoves of my eyes.

I want to die with my head resting on your chest.)

I am sitting on my bed watching YouTube. I have watched this song, En Jeevan by Theri, many times. Yet I am watching it in awe. Even though the couple had a sad ending in the movie, this song is so... Perfect. The song portrays pure love and deep care of two hearts, the magical bonding between those two families and above all, their cute little bundle of happiness. 

Every women's dream life it is!

I sighed with a sad smile with the thoughts of my life. My life was good before my marriage. But I could not figure out what I am doing with my life now! I was so relieved when he told me that he is not into divorce and actually trying to move on. Is it possible for us to lead a normal life as a couple? I gulped. As a couple? My lips curled up. Why not!

My mind replayed the afternoon incident.

Athai asked me to call him for lunch. I found his room empty and no sign of any sound from the bathroom. I waited for a few minutes, then my patience flew away. I knocked on his bathroom door. I heard some shuffling sound. I am not in the mood to face him as I am still annoyed by his earlier behaviour. So turned around before he opens the door. I plainly stated "Athai called you for lunch."

I waited for a whole minute for his response, but I didn't get any. I highly doubt now, whether he heard me or not. If he heard why didn't he reply? I turned around but much to my surprise he is just covering his waist with just towel and nothing else. This is the second time I am seeing him in this state in the past fifteen days. I turned around quickly, not in the mood for his free show. But that thought itself enough to make my face heat up. I heard him opening the shelf, and he spoke "When did they come? Why didn't you tell they are here?"

 Now he is asking! I only knew how much times I tried calling him. Ufff...

Will husbands always be annoying? 

"I didn't know they are coming. And before I could tell you about them, you disconnected the call and your mobile was switched off."

 I replied in a normal tone, masking my annoyance. Then only he took his phone and switched it on. He then smiled at me, but I looked away. 

How can you expect me to return the smile after spoiling my happiness? I gritted my teeth, but all my bottled up emotions returned at once, and I couldn't control myself. 

"Janu, are you okay?"

NO! 

I didn't reply to him. I didn't realise he was coming near me until he stood in front of me and tilted my head to make me look at him. His eyes were showing so much concern. But who wants his damn concern! He cupped my face and wiped my tears with his thumb, then only I realised that I was crying. He looked into my eyes and was trying to figure out what is wrong! Very good! Does he even remember what he did?

"What happened Janu?"

 His voice was laced with genuine concern. My anger vanished into thin air, and sadness seeped into my heart. This is the only chance I could get. 

Just ask! 

I pressed his hands against my cheeks & took his hands in mine, holding it tighter. His touch is somewhat calming me and giving enough courage. I calmed myself more with a deep breath.

"I know mama, it's been just two weeks since we got married and I know you need some time to clear everything..." 

 I paused and looked at his eyes. I was surprised that my voice is so calm and composed, unlike my heart. He inhaled a deep breath. Good! He knew what I am going to ask. I continued with more courage.

"I just want answers for my few questions mama. We can discuss everything slowly but I need to know a few things, so I could make decisions accordingly for my studies."

 He simply nodded. 

Be brave!

He gave you a golden opportunity to get some answers. If he is not ready to move on, I am planning to do my articleship in another state. So the distance wouldn't affect me much like his presence does now. 

Distance will be painful but being close to him physically and mentally being at different poles is worst. 

Then we will get used to the distance, and we can just live together for the rest of our life for our family sake. But is he even ready to stay with me for the rest of his life? 

Ask him clearly, Janu! Ask him!

"I knew you are just seeing me as your cousin and.. and nothing else. Do you think you could move on or not? If you are not sure about that, tell me whether our relationship, I mean, whether our marriage is going to be a long-term one... or-r... are you planning for div... umm.. something else? I will agree and respect your decisions mama. Please, answer me, mama."

 He let out a sigh making my breath hitch. Some gears were probably shifting inside his brain as he is looking at me, but I could tell he is in deep thinking. After a painfully long pause, I got my reply.

"I don't have intentions to break this marriage ma. But I need time to move on from my past. After that, I could think about our life clearly. Things got changed so quickly. And I need time to fix everything. And sorry for ruining your life. But remember, I will always support your dreams, Janu."

I don't know whether he realised or not, but his words are like a bottle of ice-cold water for a man in the hot desert, to me. 

Oh my god! You just agreed to spend your entire life with me, mama. You need more patience to tolerate me in future! Hehe...

I will give you all the time you need to move on. But make sure my patience not to worn out! 

And why do you think that you ruined my life? No! I'm happy, mama! I don't know about the future, but I am content with what I have now. You didn't stop my studies and didn't even utter a harsh word about the marriage. 

He had a very broken look on his face. I couldn't tolerate him taking the blame for something that happened out of our control. I spoke whatever words my brain produces. 

"Hey don't tell you ruined my life, mama. You are allowing me to pursue my dream. That's all matters to me. To be frank, I didn't mind marrying you at all. Anyhow, I would have gotten married one day, now that happened soon... with you. I never had any dreams about my marriage. Don't get so worked up. And never think you ruined my life. I will not lie about having a few insecurities, but we will find some solutions for everything together. Okay?"

God! Me and my big mouth! 

Why I have to always do something like this?

It's true I didn't have any plans for marriage. But do I really not mind about him... being my husband? 

I don't know! 

After all, he is the only male I trusted all these years, and he was there when I needed care and support along with our parents. 

Okay! Chill! You can't take back your words! So live with the consequences! 

His sparkling eyes were actually scaring me. I managed to give him a smile. He hesitantly leaned forward, making my heart skip a beat. Thankfully he pressed his lips to my forehead for a few seconds. Something is stirring inside me. I bit my tongue and paused my breathing, as his close proximity and his fresh masculine scent were making my brain stop working. I quickly exited his room without another glance. 

I stopped outside his room and sighed with a smile and shook my head before proceeding to the kitchen. Vidhu noticed that and raised an eyebrow with a smirk. But I ignored that monkey. Soon he joined us for lunch.

I had a good talk with my parents. My amma scolded me for my outburst that day. Also apologised for that 'slap'. She told me that she did it to shut everyone's big mouth who was blaming me. I let it go. Whatever her reason might be, she is my amma. And I love her so much. 

On seeing me going to the spare room to get everything related to me, which is actually my room, they asked me why I am going there for everything. I simply stated that it was my room now, and we are taking things slow. Instantly their smile was gone, and they masked it with fake one but thankfully didn't comment anything about it. 

Then Akash came home evening. He is another level of fun. As soon as I opened the door, he kneeled down dramatically and congratulated me with a bouquet of roses. But before handing it to me, he found my athai and amma's presence. Just like that, he ignored me, went inside past me and gave those flowers to them. They were surprised and overwhelmed by his sweet gesture and praised him for his affection towards them. It was very hard for me to control my laughter. Then he rushed home as he forgot to tell he would be late to his mother. 

Later Vidhu called me to accompany her to visit the nearby shop. I passed her a knowing look and went with her. Ajay was waiting near the street corner, and she literally jumped on his arms in happiness. It was too cute to see the affection of the loving couple. He hugged her and whispered something to her ear. She was squealing in happiness. They totally forgot me, I understood her excitement, but I couldn't allow her to behave like this in the middle of the road. I cleared my throat, and they pulled away instantly. 

Ajay extended his hand to congratulate me as if nothing happened. I thanked him but didn't fail to warn him to not repeat this behaviour. She was blushing and scowled while I warned him. He scratched the back of his neck and muttered a 'sorry'. 

We have met a few times, and all those times did not end well. So it was awkward to be around him. So I went to my favourite Vinayagar temple to thank him. Also I didn't want to be a fifth wheel. Vidhu called me after 30 minutes, he bid his goodbye, and we returned home. She was smiling like a crazy woman all the way back. 

(Back to reality) My thoughts got interrupted as my mom shouted at me for not paying attention to her words. She kept her hands on her hip, waiting for me to respond for whatever she asked. 

Uh-oh! 

I unplugged my headphone and hugged her to calm my mother lioness. She sighed and asked me to get some mats. Men settled in Prabhu mama's room, and we ladies decided to sleep in my room. We spread the mat down the floor. I laid in between my amma and Vidhu, and athai next to Vidhu. We chatted for a few minutes and eventually slept. 

Next morning, I woke up early as I don't want any free advice. I did my morning routines and went to the kitchen. While preparing coffee, my amma entered the kitchen and smiled at me lovingly. 

"Oh! When did my daughter become responsible?" 

"Ammmaaaa!" 

 I whined and glared at her playfully but eventually smile crept on my face on looking at her smiling face. I hit her arm playfully and gave her a cup of coffee.

I decided to prepare ven pongal, coconut chutney and sambar. And sambar is almost ready, and Pongal is in progress. 

I let her overlook the cooking and went to give coffee to my appa and mama, who were in the living room. Athai also joined amma in few minutes. I told them to let Vidhu sleep as already three of us are here to do chores. My athai protested but eventually gave in. 

I was wondering why he didn't wake yet. Usually, he will go jogging, and this is his time for exercises. Shall I check on him? My athai voiced out my thoughts and asked me to go and check him. 

I entered his room and found him hugging a pillow. It's quite a scene to watch. I quickly took my mobile from my pj's pant and snapped a shot. I think he is dreaming of something. Then he started making funny noises like whining. I quickly swiped my phone camera from photo to video mode. 'Ah! This is going to be fun!' I mentally squealed. 

I almost dropped my mobile twice while taping him as I couldn't control my laughter. It's so cute to watch him smiling and making faces while sleeping. Suddenly he moaned in a low voice and muttered 'Janu'. I froze in my spot. Is he dreaming about me? I straightened but stumbled in my steps, and to balance myself, I quickly held onto his bedside table with a little thud. He shot up awake, scaring me more. And I am really very confused! What is he dreaming about? And why he did whisper my name? 

He turned and looked at me. He is not fully awake. But he looked very adorable in this state. Soon his eyes focused on my face. To be specific... my lips? Is he dreaming something-something about me? My yesterday talk might have disturbed him. But I couldn't help the strong feeling of embarrassment. Even though I was pressing my toes hard on the floor, I knew my cheeks were showing how embarrassing the situation is. I looked at him shyly and noticed him still staring at my lips. I don't know what to do, so I smiled. He looked at my eyes, and my mind ordered me to stare back. 

Suddenly an idea popped up in my mind. I knew he hates this! But this will help us to calm the situation! I cautiously leaned forward. He closed his eyes, making me want to laugh hard. But I closed my mouth and let out a soundless chuckle. Then blew air into his ear, emptying my lungs and rushed to the door. He was still sitting in the same place but shivering at my action. His eyes shot open, and I laughed at him before sticking my tongue out. 

I went out with a laugh but stilled on all five pairs of eyes looking at me with half-weird and half-curious expression. Oh, Vidhu is up! But thank god she is still sleepy, else she might make me die in embarrassment. I lowered my head and went to my room to avoid any enquiry. 

I came out only after confirming that he went office. In the meantime, I replayed the video many times to find any clue about his dream but other than him hugging the pillow tightly, nothing I could get. I don't even want to replace myself in the place of the pillow. But I realised that, by repeating myself not to think like that, I already pictured it several times. I'm going crazy...! That's it. 

Our parents started around 11 AM as they have work to do back at home. I went to temple as usual and came back by 5 PM. And I noticed his message in my mobile stating he will be late and asked me to eat and sleep without waiting for him.

Great!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been five days since the results. Vidhu came here to stay for a few days, and her reason was that she missed me very much. But I exactly knew her intention. She wants to celebrate the valentine’s day with Ajay, which happened to be tomorrow. As this is their first year, Ajay took off for his office, and they planned their day out. She came here a day before to avoid unnecessary suspicions. Smartass! 

"God! Woman! Didn't you hear anything! I don't want to buy anything. How can you tell me to get a gift for your anna when you have full knowledge about our relationship? It would make everything more awkward. Just finish your purchase and let's get going. I have to cook dinner for your anna."

It was my biggest mistake to accept to go shopping with my crazy cousin. She has been bickering me to buy something for her anna. 

"Yeah! I know... I know... But it's your FIRST valentine’s day after the wedding. I don't want you to regret it later for not doing anything and you can't reverse time to celebrate it again. Here, I am doing a big favour. So shut your mouth and pick something romantic for him. Also, I don't want my cousin to stand stupidly if my anna gives her some gift. What will you do then?"

"Yeah right... Like it would be his first priority! He already has lots of things to deal with, Vidhu. I highly doubt even if he remembers that valentine’s day happened to be on the 14th of February. So hurry up and let's go home, please."

 I replied sarcastically, and I am losing my patience with her. 

"Nah! At least for my satisfaction, buy something." 

I sighed in defeat. She decided to get a formal shirt and a wristwatch for Ajay. They can't create any doubt in families by giving something romantic, which could reveal their love. 

If only we had some normal relationship, I would have definitely done something memorable. But I can't risk hurting his wound more by giving some romantic gifts. 

Maybe I could get something like Vidhu, and I would give him some other day. She started arguing, but I threatened that I won't buy anything, which efficiently shut her mouth. 

I decided to get him a wristwatch and headphones. That might be definitely useful for him instead of some gifts that would idly sit in the living room showcase. 

Let's see how my day would be tomorrow!