Chapter 51 51: The Memory Lane

Chapter 51 51: The Memory Lane
\[ K A R A \]

Did you ever have one of those nights when your eyelids were heavy but your thoughts were heavier?

Well, it was happening to me right now. After Cole had left, mom came and stayed with me. I was told that Ryder went out somewhere. Mom wanted to stay the night at the hospital, but I forced her to go home and sleep on an actual bed instead. I knew she desperately needed that. It took me a long time to convince her that I would be okay, and finally, she agreed.

So here I was, in an empty hospital room, at 2 in the morning, with no one but my own wandering thoughts.

I was thinking about how much my life had changed, and all because of one summer in Hawaii. All because I decided to make a stupid deal with a stupid boy. All because I decided to fall in love with said boy, and because I could never seem to let it go.

Mom and Peter are getting a divorce, but what does that mean for us? Was there ever an 'us' anyway?

Honestly, Ryder and I would never work out as a couple. If I had learned anything in the past four years, I should have listened to my head. People said follow your heart, well look, this was where my heart brought me to, a hospital room with post-surgery scars.

Maybe a happy ending in my case didn't need to include a guy. Maybe it just meant that I needed to get back up on my own, picking up the pieces, and starting over. I could be my own hero, saving my own little heart. Maybe mom wasn't too far off, what if my soul-mate was just myself?

My eyelids were heavy, so I decided to go to sleep. But suddenly, the peace and quiet were interrupted when my phone dinged. It was a text. I could ignore it but... something told me I should check it out. And as soon as I did, my breath was caught in my throat.

Ryder: ,

Ryder sent me... a comma sign.

I tried to type something back, but I didn't know what to say.

Ryder: ...

The three dots appeared, and I forgot how to breathe.

Ryder: I see you're still awake.

Ryder: Can I see you now?

Holy cabbage. He wants to see me... am I ready for this? Well, I have to face him eventually.

Kara: Where are you?

"Right here," a voice said suddenly.

I looked up, and there he was, smirking by the door. I swear, I had just gotten a heart attack.

Ryder was wearing a loose fit t-shirt and ripped jeans, his head cocked to the side, and his hair was messy like always.

"You've been here all along? Why the text?" I said quickly before he noticed I had been gawking at him.

"I thought it'd make a dramatic entrance," he shrugged.

I rolled my eyes, trying my hardest not to smile. "Where have you been?" I muttered.

"I had to run an errand," he said, pausing for a beat, "Why? Did you miss me?"

"Pfft. Yeah right,"

He stalked closer and sat on the edge of the bed. His knee was touching my leg and I gulped.

His hand then reached for my arm, slightly lifting my sleeves up a bit, revealing the cut marks all over. I should push him away, but under his touch, I had turned into a statue.

His fingers grazed the scars gently and I flinched a little. He looked up, his expression was dark, and hurt was in his eyes. His hand then glided down to the bandage on my wrist. I knew he was about to open the bandage, so I pulled away. I couldn't let him see this.

"You wanted to get rid of me that much, huh?" he said lowly, his gaze was still on my wrist. "I know you were doing it to hurt yourself. But it didn't just hurt you. It hurt me too, it hurt everyone who loves you,"

A single tear trickled down my face. I looked away quickly, trying to hide it. But he noticed, of course, he did. His hand went up to my cheek, wiping the tear away, and his fingers lingered on the side of my face afterward.

"And just so you know, doing shit like that doesn't mean you'll be able to get rid of me," he said again.

His thumb was gently stroking my cheek, and he was bititing his lip, trying to hold himself back from doing something.

"You can't ever get rid of me," he said matter-of-factly.

I narrowed my eyes at him, shaking my head lightly as if to say, "don't". He gave me a small smile as if he knew what I was saying, and he pulled away.

"Where's um... everyone?" he coughed.

"Mom and Peter are at home, I told her to take the night off,"

"And where's the lapdog?"

"Who?"

"Your boyfriend,"

"I don't... have a boyfriend," I paused for a second, "anymore,"

The biggest grin appeared on his face, and I quickly shook my head before he got the wrong idea.

"It's not what you think," I blurted.

"Which is what?"

"It has nothing to do with you being here. Cole and I are just..."

"Not meant to be," he cut in.

I bit my lip and swallowed, not wanting to let him know that I agreed. We were silent for a while. No one said anything but there was this tension in the room, and it was so palpable.

Finally, I couldn't take the awkward silence anymore, so I grabbed the TV remote and started flipping through the channels. I glued my eyes to the TV, trying to distract myself, but Ryder kept his gaze on me.

"What are you looking at?" I said casually.

"You. You're beautiful," he said, and he said it the same exact way as the first time we met.

How do people breathe again?

"So um, what happened to you out there?" I said, changing the topic.

"Well, I was just surfing, there was nothing out of the ordinary. But suddenly this gnarly wave came at me and I got thrown off-course. I was drifting around the Pacific Ocean for more than half a day," he said, raking his hair with his hand and chuckling a little.

"Fudgesicles,” I muttered. “That’s insane,"

"Yeah, it was fudgesicles indeed," he snorted, mimicking me. "I was certain I would die, I've made my peace and everything,"

"Well I'm glad you didn't," I breathed.

"Yeah, me too," he paused for a second, "And I'm glad you didn't die too. But what the fuck, Kara? Who ran out to the streets in the middle of the night and crossed the streets when the lights were red?"

"In my defense, people in New York City jaywalk all the time," I joked, but he didn't look amused. He looked... mad.

"Sorry... I'll be more careful, I promise," I said again.

He let out a sigh and shook his head.

"We're terrible at life, aren't we? Just in our early twenties and we're already dying all over the place," he snickered.

"Tell me about it," I snorted.

"But you know, being lost at sea for eighteen hours gave me a lot of time to reflect on my life. I thought of you, a lot. And I thought that if I were to die that day, my life was actually pretty darn great. And it was all because of that one summer I had with you,"

My lips twitched into a smile. "It really was a great summer," I agreed.

"It was the best,"

"We were so bad at sneaking around though,"

"What?"

"Think about it, basically everyone found out. Gabe, my mom—"

"Right. And then Cole, when he saw us outside the Cathedral,"

"What?"

"Yeah, he did. He knew even before you told him,"

"Well, that just proved my point,"

"Yeah, we sucked," he stifled a laugh.

"Exactly," I rolled my eyes, "We were the worst,"

"Hey, why didn't you tell me Lacey knew about us?" he asked suddenly.

"I don't know,” I replied. “I thought it wouldn't matter, the ending would have been the same. The summer was over, and we're all leaving, so things had to end. So I thought I'd save you the trouble of freaking out..."

"So you just asked me to make love to you and you left me, bright fucking plan," he said jokingly. But that struck a nerve.

"I thought if you'd hate me, it'd be easier for you to move on," I said, looking down at my feet.

"How could I ever hate you?" he said, and I looked up to see his eyes glistening a little.

He threw me a smile as our eyes locked. His smile got to me, it always did. I struggled to hide my cheeks from blushing, so I turned my head to face the TV instead. The Bachelor was playing, and I was pretending to be engrossed by it so I didn't have to look at him.

"Hey," he called out suddenly, "If we were in a TV show, do you think the viewers would ship us?"

"Maybe, I think we'd make a pretty cute couple," I laughed.

"Or maybe they'll ship you with Cole. Or Gabe,"

"Or you with Vanessa,"

He started laughing to himself.

"Why are you laughing?"

"It's funny. I never knew what I was doing with other girls until I met you. You changed the entire fucking game for me,"

A smile escaped my lips and I quickly bit my lip.

"I got a question though. Why did you decide to be with me then?" he cocked his head to the side. "I mean, I think I've screwed up pretty bad, with Vanessa and all. I was just awful. I gave you zero reason to trust me with your heart, but you trusted me anyway. Why did you do it?"

I swallowed, racking my brain for an answer.

"I mean, I know I'm pretty irresistible," he trailed off.

"And incredibly modest," I rolled my eyes.

"No but seriously, tell me. Was it just like a spur-of-the-moment thing? Or was I like a rite of passage or something?"

"No," I responded instantly. I took a deep breath and exhaled.

"I don't know how to explain it. But whenever I'm with you, you made me feel things. Things I've never felt before. And even though the odds didn't look good in my favor, I just knew in my heart that I wanted to try it with you anyway. And even though there was a high chance that you'd break my heart someday, I thought that it would be worth the pain,"

"Was it?” he asked. “Worth the pain?"

I didn't say anything, but he looked at me intently and I think he knew my answer.

"Do you remember the first time I took you to our secret beach?" he said as he lay down on the bed, his elbow was propped up to support his head. I scooted a little and pulled my knees up so we weren't touching.

"Yeah, we watched the stars and you quoted Fitzgerald to me," I replied.

"I think I dream of that night every day for a year. That was one of my most favorite moments with you. Top three, definitely,"

"What's the other two?"

"The night of the wedding and... the time you got a tattoo of my name,"

Ah, yes, those days. Those were some good memories.

"You know, I still don’t understand why got get a tattoo of my name?” I asked. “I thought you don't do those things,"

"Yeah, well like I said, you've changed the game for me," he smirked.

Oh, the darned smirk! I just couldn't function—quick, think of a distraction to say!

"So how's the game been? You tattooed any other girls' names on your body that I should know of?" I joked.

"I've never been with anyone after you," he said, and his eyes were serious.

"That's bullpoop. I don't believe you," I snorted, "I mean, even I had dated several times,"

"To me, it's always been you though," he paused for a beat and said, "I just don't see how it could work with anyone else,"

"You're lying," I narrowed my eyes at him. "Are you telling me that you hadn't been with any other girl in four years? You? Ryder Jake Williams?"

He just shrugged and my jaw fell to the floor.

"How was that possible?" I chuckled.

"Well I had my ways," a naughty smile appeared on his face.

“Which is?”

"Tell me, how often do you masturbate to me?" he said suddenly.

"Excuse me?" I gaped.

"You heard the question, answer it,"

"I... zero! Zero times!"

I wasn’t really the masturbating type, but Ryder looked disappointed either way.

"Well, do you know how often I masturbate to you for the past four years?" he asked.

I was sure my entire body had turned tomato red, not just my cheeks — my entire body, and he was laughing maniacally.

"You're nuts!" I exclaimed.

"My nuts?" he said teasingly.

"Stop!" I pulled the pillow to cover my face and ears. "Ugh! You and your inappropriate dirty jokes!"

"Oh, this reminds me of when we first started living together," he laughed. "I was so horrible, I'd tease you every chance I got,"

"You did. My first impression of you was horrible. Never in a million years I'd thought of ever liking you,"

"But I wasn't so bad once you've gotten to know me, right?" he raised one eyebrow playfully and I just rolled my eyes in response.

"Well, hey let's start over," he pulled his hand out to me, "Hi, I'm Ryder, and you are?"

I gave him the 'are-you-serious' look and he just waited for me to take his hand. Finally, I shook his hand unenthusiastically.

"Kara," I breathed.

"It's very nice to meet you, Kara. Now in exactly 5 seconds, I'm going to fall in love with you. So just be your usual self and let it happen, okay?"

"Ryder, stop!" I wanted to pull my hand away but he just held onto me.

"What? I used the L-word and you want to run for the hills again?"

"It's not funny, don't joke about this,"

"Ah, 5 seconds are up. Damn, I've fallen for you all over again,"

"Ryder!"

"I'm not joking by the way. This is as real as it gets,"

I tried to pull my hand away again but he kept his hold even tighter. I looked up to glare at him, but he just grinned.

"I like how things just flow when I'm with you," he said, "It's amazing,"

"What do you mean?"

"Talking to you. Late at night. Just like this. I need more of these,"

"Ryder, don't go there," I warned.

"Why not? I mean, enough is enough, Kar. We let the world get away with keeping us apart for way too long. I belong with you, and you belong with me, there's no denying that," he said matter-of-factly.

Still holding onto my hand, he stood up suddenly. He took a deep breath, and he bent down. His other hand rummaged through his jeans pocket and he took out a shiny little thing.

"The errand that I had to run before, it was to get this from my dad... This was my mother's,"

I gasped instantly as I saw this beautiful diamond ring placed between his forefinger and thumb.

"I actually got a different ring before, but it didn't matter, this is the perfect ring for you,"

What in the name of...

"Look, I know our love is messy, complicated, and difficult. But it's also very fucking good and very fucking real," his voice cracked a little.

"I know it's not gonna be easy for us, but I wanna do this, every day, with you,"

Fudgesicles...

"Shit, I don't know how to do this," he laughed nervously, shaking his head in the process.

Then our eyes met each other, his deep blue eyes were showing signs of joy and fear at the same time. He looked at me as if his life depended on it. And suddenly. I had lost all ability to function as he said—

"Kara Livingston, will you marry me?"







\- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -