Chapter Fifty-Five-3

I stand by my car for a moment, my nose red and running from the cold. My breath comes out in the air. The sun is setting. Christmas is here and I am alone. I grab the mug and hurl it on the ground where it smashes into an infinite amount of pieces. I drive away with frustration and tears and I don't look back. When it's the 28th and the day of Lee's birthday party, it's the first time I shower in nearly four days. I am home again, huddled under at least ten blankets. The house is chilly since we had to cut back on heating and other luxuries. I don't know why I didn't accept invitations to stay with friends and their families during break. Instead, I decided to drown in my own pity and sadness over one of the happiest times in the year. It isn't until it takes me an hour to convince myself to get up and pursue hygiene again that it occurs to me I might have a problem. That or the two empty vodka bottles rolling around on the ground. Yeah, definitely a problem. Whatever, I mutter when I begin to strip and head into the shower. That has been my motto lately with everything I do. Half-hearted. Half-assed. I just have stopped caring. It aches less. When Daniel is at my front door, I am dressed and so full of makeup it hides my tired eyes and defeated default expression. Sprays of perfume over the house hopefully mask the odor of alcohol and day old microwave meals lying around. After digging for more information, the party seems to be insanely formal with gowns and tuxes and all that. I end up wearing a maroon dress that sweeps the floor and loops around my neck, hair in a updo—mostly because I have no energy to do anything with it. "Hey," I tell him, leaning into his wide arms when I open the door. The frosty air whooshes into my already cold house, but still, I get a chill up my arms. "You look dashing." He takes a step back, his eyes raking down my body and dress. A step closer, he kisses my cheek. "You look absolutely stunning. It's an honor to be your date." He sheepishly grins. "Now I feel guilty for bringing my mom's old car along when you look this good." "Thank you," I tell him, forcing a smile. I just want to crawl back into bed. Maybe it's not too late to change my R.S.V.P. I just want to sleep forever. A pinch of skin appears between Daniel's eyebrows. He presses a hand to my cheek and I suddenly want to vomit. "Are you okay? You look...different." His hand goes to my forearm, moving it a bit. "Like you lost some weight or something." I use the same arm he's holding to push some strands of hair out of my face, indirectly brushing his hand off. "I'm fine," I say, eyes down. "I have to get my purse, just a moment." A flash of hurt crosses his face but it passes quickly. His hand stills mid-air before he puts it down. "Yeah, uh, yeah, sure. I'll be out in the car. Take your time." He looks at me for a moment with a stare that makes me feel like a total asshole for being so touchy in the moment. It's just been a rough couple of weeks—months, really. I don't even have enough breath to explain it to him or say I'm sorry. I let him go and turn back into the house, trudging through the piles of trash lying around the floor. It's a good thing he didn't come in any further. I find my purse somehow in the pigsty and rush to the car, where for the first time this week, I feel heat. The car ride is silent. I sleep. Daniel drives, trying to understand what's happening with me by just observing. When he shakes me awake, we're in front of one of the Richardson hotels. The car is running on the pavement of a circular path that runs around the main entrance. A young valet waits with a smile outside. There is a chandelier even on the roof of the canopy above the entrance area. I sit up, pushing my loose side hair back. I sniff, rubbing my nose. Daniel's giving me that stare again. Concerned, confused. "Let's go," I say. He hands the keys to the smiling girl who gets in and drives the car away to park. And now that I am actually in front of a Richardson hotel, actually about to walk in and see Lee again, I feel a pang of emotion. And though it's a aching feeling, I welcome it because it's the first feeling I've felt in a while. I brush it off and loop my arm with Daniel's before walking through the revolving doors. The inside is big, bright, and grand. With four chandeliers covering the lobby, it raises my eyebrows how giant just the lobby is. I guess I never really appreciated one of Lee's hotels. His legacy—all of this. He works so hard. He cares so much. I could never ask or imply for him to give this away, not for a girl—not for me. If it was the other way around, it would be the same. We tell the front desk what we're here for and my thoughts vanish as I focus on the present. The presidential ballroom has been booked tonight apparently. The doors are closed when we arrive. It's a private party, obviously. We check in with a secretary at the door, who checks us off the R.S.V.P. I wonder what it says. Miss Flores plus one? Ivory and Daniel? What does it matter anyway? As soon we step in through the doors and I hear an orchestra playing, people chattering, and laughter everywhere, I suddenly want to go home. I don't know why. I just get this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not bothered by it all but I just feel like my stomach is in circles. "You okay?" Daniel asks, his eyes weighing his words heavier than what he's letting on. He squeezes our intertwined hands. He's usually not so serious, but today without his glasses and visible forehead wrinkles when he looks at me—also when he looks this handsome and solemn with his hair slicked back—he looks like a different person. He really does look dashing in his tux. I sigh. I've been a total bitch all night. "I'm fine." I place my hand on his chest and begin absentmindedly fixing his tie. "I'm sorry for being so...touchy tonight. Christmas—it's just—I—it's hard. Especially without my mom. I'm sorry." He places his hand on top of mine, taking my fingers and kissing them softly. "You don't owe me an explanation ever. Just...take care of yourself, okay? Or don't be afraid to reach out. I am here for you always. I mean, I'm already in New York for the rest of break since Christmas is over. I could stay with you?" My mouth opens and freezes. Speak, damn it. "I—" He releases my hand and for some reason, I'm scared when he does. As if he's going to just back up and leave because I am such a troubled mess right now. But he doesn't. He lets go of my hand so he can press his hand against my cheek. "Like I said, you don't owe me anything, including an answer just in this moment. Just think on it, okay?" If I wasn't all jumbled up in my head, I swear I wouldn't be so unworthy for Daniel. I feel like crying right now. But, since I'm not that messed up yet, I nod with watery eyes. Daniel grins in his lazy way and it's so comforting to see him again after a lonely week, I smile back. A tear escapes my eye and I quickly wipe it away. Daniel's eyes soften and he pulls me in, kissing the top of my head. "I love you." I freeze. I feel him stiffen as well as if he didn't mean to say it out loud. Again. I suddenly remember Thanksgiving, almost a month ago. When my mother was first being hospitalized and when she had her first aneurysm. It was so hectic we both completely ignored and eventually forgot about it. Standing in his arms now where there's no way to avoid it, I am at a loss in what to do. Daniel pulls back, his eyes wide and grin gone. "Ivory." I begin to open my mouth to respond, but I realize that my name didn't come out of his mouth. That voice. The expensive cologne. The shiver that runs down my spine. I turn to look into a pair of icy blue eyes.