Chapter 75 - How Disgusting Am I - mduno
I was back to being myself again. I should have felt satisfied, but I didn't. My mind sent me the image of Veronica getting into Juan's car. In the end, the fool turned out not to be so perfect. Well, screw her! I also felt uneasy about leaving Beatriz scared; I took out my frustration on her.
That was another girl who needed to learn not to be so available. I got into the car. A couple of hours ago, Veronica left my life completely. That idiot Juan must be savoring her.
My bile churned, and I wasn't going to let this damn pain take over me again and make me play the fool like I had for the last four weeks. My phone rang. I looked at it and saw that Rata had sent me a message.
"Report on the lady."
Just hearing about her made everything churn inside me, and my masochism took the front seat. The demon's voice inside me said, "Look and see that she kissed Juan too." And a new voice that had been making itself heard for a while now said, "What you just did is the lowest thing you've ever done in your life. You hurt a young woman, and you were unfaithful to Veronica." I accepted the message, and the file downloaded. My heart proved it was still alive. There was a brief report from Rata and a recording.
"Roland. The lady left over half an hour ago on bus number 5228 heading to La Dorada, alone! She stopped by the consulate and left her belongings with Raul. Juan only acted as her driver."
She didn't take long on her rounds; she was efficient. The angel's voice resurfaced, "I have a feeling you're going to regret this." It lamented for me. I downloaded the audio, and Veronica and Juan's voices came through my phone.
"Are you going to forgive him?" that idiot asked her.
"Everyone deserves to be forgiven; it's just that he hasn't earned it or shown any signs of remorse."
"If I had done it."
"I would have given you a second chance."
"It's impossible to go back to you. One feels terribly mediocre and unworthy. You are not like other women."
"I'm just like all other women. Everyone deserves a second chance as long as they show their remorse. The thing is, I can't overlook being rubbed in the face that there's another woman better than me."
"There will never be a woman better than you. Trust me, I've spent years regretting what I did to you."
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"Vero..."
"I'm sorry, Juan. I can't offer you anything more than friendship. He took the first place in my heart, and now I'm his, even if he doesn't want me by his side. Time heals everything. I suppose something will come my way, and I'll think differently in the future, but right now, Roland occupies my destiny."
"Don't talk like that. Life takes many turns. Maybe..."
"Maybe."
"Despite what you're going through, you seem calm."
"Because he's alive, far from me, but alive, and that gives me hope that one day I'll see him again."
"Are you saying that if Roland dies, you will too?"
"It was nice seeing you."
"Can I get close to you?"
"Juan, you can if you don't intend to replace him."
Rata had downloaded part of their conversation. Why did he do it? I don't understand what he gained from it. I left the hotel where I had left Beatriz, offended, crying, and hating me. I remembered her words.
"You will regret what you did to me. You have no idea how much you'll regret it in the future."
"I didn't do anything I hadn't warned you about, Beatriz."
"You're a damn animal!"
"And you don't know to what extent." I replied.
"How my brother's ex cries over how you treat her? She's a masochist!"
It made me angry. No one insults her in front of me. I approached her; she was still wrapped in the sheet.
"Let's get something clear, Beatriz. Veronica left me because she thinks I'm with you, and because she's such a woman that she doesn't lower herself to ask for sex. She hasn't slept with me. She's a thousand times better than the other women who have passed through my life, and for some strange reason, I'm the one who's not worthy of her." Her lip trembled.
"You damn degenerate!"
I shrugged, laughing, letting the demon inside me out, a part of me that Verónica hasn't seen. Verónica, how you've messed up my life!
"Beatriz." I spoke so sensually and her eyes showed weakness. "Yes, I touch you here." I touched her vagina, started caressing her, she lowered her stupid barriers. "I can do whatever I want with you, the problem." She moved to the rhythm of my finger. "Is that women other than my girlfriend are indifferent to me."
Her face was priceless, I stepped away and went into the bathroom to wash my hands like I did a while ago. I took a shower after having penetrated her.
"You damn idiot!"
I remembered her scream as I left, I closed the door, hoping she would never call me again. At that moment I felt victorious, although seconds later I felt dirty, unworthy, and now… Does Rata do this shit? I don't know how I got home, Rata came out smiling from the house.
"Did you get the message?" He looked happy. "The lady loves and respects you, she wants more proof that she is a woman to take her to the altar. And then you can touch her."
"Why did you send me that message?"
My friend's expression changed, he looked at me and he understood.
"What did you do, asshole?"
What was I going to answer? I just behaved like the worst person in the world, like who I really am, even if Verónica says otherwise, or tries to fill my head with nonsense that's not true. I couldn't speak, the conversation came back to my head, the voice of the only woman who has seen in me what my mother saw before abandoning me exploded in my brain.
"I'm sorry Juan, I can't offer you anything more than friendship, he has taken the first place in my feelings and now I am his, even if he doesn't want me by his side."
Her voice echoed. Simón was talking to me, I don't know what the hell he was saying. I only heard the voice of an angel.
"Because he is alive, far from me, but alive and that gives me the hope that one day I will find him again."
I opened my mouth, what did I just do? I don't know what Rata was talking about, I was conscious until he shook me and I found a way to speak.
"I just messed up."
"Were you with Beatriz?" I nodded, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I wanted to shower again. "She's your partner's daughter, you idiot, and she's a tramp, to put it nicely."
"I wanted sex, Rata, I wanted to get the anger out, Verónica had found another guy."
"What do you expect? For her to put up with your impulses?" He pushed me, if he hit me I wouldn't hit back.
"I've slept with thousands of women and never felt this loneliness in my chest, I've been... I shouldn't feel this way, I didn't do anything different from what I'm used to doing with women."
"Because there was no love in you, Roland, you didn't feel regret, because now you know you lost her for good! Damn it, you're an asshole!"
I turned around, went up the stairs, headed straight to the bathroom, got under the shower. Verónica's voice kept repeating and repeating on my phone. How can you love me so much? I've hurt you.
The water doesn't wash away how dirty I feel inside. I had a tightness in my chest, you make it so hard for me, Lord! Why do you make me suffer? And inside me that good angel's voice came back, "I told you," and self-reproaches filled my head; "I deserve everything I'm going through, I deserve it. But this shit hurts."
The water doesn't cleanse the soul, crying didn't help with the regret, memorizing the words of the recording did nothing to make me feel forgiven.
I remembered some words she said, the time I took her to church in Santa Marta. That afternoon she said she liked going to mass because only in the temple did she feel clean... I got out of the tub, dressed in the first thing I found in the closet, grabbed my phone, and ran out of the house. In the rearview mirror, I saw three of my men escorting me, Cebolla, Rasca culo, and Churrusco. If Rata didn't come, it was because he was pissed at me, he was right, I screwed up forever. I drove south.