Chapter 59 - Remembering and Forgiving - mduno
I couldn't believe what had happened to me. Did an angel appear to me? It was a damn demon, how could an angel appear to me?
"Yes, Simón! But only I could see it."
I whispered the last part, looking at the altar. There was a sense of peace in that place, a peace... I hadn't felt since I was a child. I experienced it again next to Verónica. What was happening?
"Has Mr. Fausto left already?"
"Yes." His gaze was unsettling.
"Don't worry, Rata. I'll be fine. It's been years since I entered a church."
"I've never seen you go into one."
"When I was six, I remember my... used to go every week. After I was abandoned, I never went back." I patted him on the back. "An angel appeared to me, Rata! I've been talking to my guardian angel all week." I smiled nervously. "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Honestly, yes. Maybe schizophrenic. You don't eat well, you barely sleep, and you haven't taken care of yourself."
"I need to see Verónica. If she dies tomorrow..."
A wave of emotion came over me, and I exploded at that moment. Rata hugged me. It was the first time he saw me cry. We've known each other for eleven years, since he found me on the street stealing when I was only eight. He took me to his house; he was eighteen. I looked at him. Dear God, could Simón be one of them? One of those earthly angels?
"You needed that, Roland. To cry."
"Crying, my ass!"
I put some distance between us. I hated feeling vulnerable. I almost ran out of the chapel and didn't stop until I reached her room. It was already night. When did so much time pass? I had so many questions, and now I didn't know how to answer them. I didn't want to search within myself.
I locked myself in, dragged the armchair to the bed where my girlfriend lay. It was a comfortable piece of furniture from my stay; it had been my bed here. I didn't do anything; I took her hand and let time keep passing. Dr. Mendoza came in, more to talk to me than to check on her.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Roland. In the early morning, we'll disconnect her and let her die. Pray for a miracle, sir."
"Then leave me alone. I have a few hours left with her. I don't want anyone to come and look at her."
"Mr. Roland..."
"I won't kill your family. I won't kill anyone. Just leave me alone." I took Verónica's hand.
"Thank you." He left the room, and I put my head on the bed.
"Please, wake up, my love. Don't leave me."
This time, tears came. No one saw me. I didn't just cry; I sobbed, screamed, and a miserable pain took over me. I sounded like an old woman wailing. I couldn't control it; I needed to cry.
Memories hidden deep in the soul of a child began to surface. When my mother used to say goodnight to me, to a seven-year-old mind, she was precious, the most sacred thing. I know she suffered and was mistreated by my father, but she was always there to give us love. She kissed my face every morning, every night... But it wasn't enough to take me with her. She left... She left me. I was also her child, and she left me with the most despicable man.
That morning, I received so many kisses on my face, and I cried. As a child, I thought it was because her face hurt so much from the blows she received from that man called father. I kept crying. There was no way to stop the memories. I didn't want to stop them. The angel said: you must forgive, and for that, I had to remember. I had to relive a part of me that I buried under tons of rage.
I got tired of waiting for my mother to set up the Christmas tree. Then my father came, and seeing she wasn't there, he beat me. He took out his anger on me. I didn't understand. The next day, we left.
The following days with the demon in the new house, drunk and angry about his wife's departure, I paid the price. That's why I don't believe in marriage. I don't want children to live in this world's misery. He tied me up in the yard, leaving me to endure the cold night.
That must have something to do with my aversion to sleeping in a cold bed. Stupid angel, was that your wish? You wanted me to remember?! She never came back, and I waited for her every morning of that sad December. Through beatings, I understood she would never return, that I wasn't important. My father sure knew how to remind me of that.
The months living with him were enough to dry my tears. Every beating with sticks, cables, belts, whatever he found, for nothing or for something, was a beating. That was enough. I understood... I filled myself with the conviction that women are worthless. Every night I was stripped, tied up to be whipped in the yard. Those beatings shaped me to hate the world and become the scum I was.
The only thing that bastard didn't do to me was rape me," I continued crying, soaking the sheet with my tears and spit. My chest hurt so much, so much. He said forgive, but it's hard to do. I don't know where the Lord God was those days and allowed my mother to decide to leave me with him instead of taking me with her.
"Was I such a bad son to be abandoned? I was a good son, I did my chores… Yet she kissed me and left. That's why I must not be good. If a mother abandons her child, the only message left in the subconscious is: 'you're not good,' that demon told me every night with a blow. However, now I had another version… maybe…
"I didn't go back to school that year, I learned to fight, I had to defend myself from my father, I was tired of being hit. Then he started bringing all kinds of people to the new house, hitmen, prostitutes… I saw drugs up close, weapons, and I saw power in those men. My father never hit me again after I stabbed his hand with a knife. Then I left the house, I hated him. I stopped crying over that woman’s absence, I learned to be strong on the street." I calmed down a bit, holding Veronica's hand.
"Beautiful, please come back to me…"
I couldn't continue, the tears wouldn't stop. It's hard to let you go. I remembered the half-year I lived on the street, I formed my own gang. I was the youngest of all, yet I managed to be the leader, I directed the robberies, we had to eat, I had ten kids under my command and protection. There was a girl in the gang who tried to kiss me one night, and I hit her. She was the only woman I ever hit, she said she loved me, that word doesn't exist. I never apologized, and she never tried again.
"You're safe because you're loyal to the group," I yelled at her that night. "Don't try to kiss me again if you want to stay by my side, kisses are fake."
I covered my mouth, falling to my knees by Veronica's bed. You'll be saved if I offer the most sacred thing. But should I forgive? Forgive me, Lord God, how do you tell your heart that your mother's decision was the best? She left because she didn't love you enough, and it turns out it was all because you allowed it. Because of the famous destiny where things are meant to be.
I remembered that year after she left, I prayed every night, asking her to come back for me, but you, Lord God, you didn't listen to me. I started to resent you for abandoning me. It hurts, Lord God! Now, do I have to leave Veronica so she can be saved? A warm sensation flooded my body, and I started crying even more, I never thought I could cry like that.
"Forgive me, and I forgive you," I felt like I was being cradled, that feeling I got every time I prayed as a child. "I don't know how to pray, I stopped going to church a long time ago, I stopped believing in you," I started talking, the warmth continued to spread through my body, the tears kept flowing, and the more they flowed, the calmer I felt.
"I can't lie to you, maybe it's the only real thing in my life, I never lie. I don't know what to offer you, nothing of what I have now you want, because you don't need it, and you know the only perfect thing in my life, the only pure thing is the woman you're going to take from me again, it wasn't enough for you to take my mother." I burst into tears again.
I resumed crying while the warmth continued to flood my body, it was the most gratifying sensation, it was like being restored. I remembered when I met Rata, an eighteen-year-old amazed by an eight-year-old leading a gang. He was my only friend, we built an empire while studying, and then I formed the team. A gut-wrenching scream came from within.
I understood that I never stopped being good, my mother instilled in me to be an architect, and that's what I did. My good side was because deep down I wanted to be good in case she came back and felt proud of me. I always waited for her, even now… I want to be accepted by her, for her to love me. I know where she is now… now I had to wait.
"Beautiful!"
It's hard to let her go, Lord God. Tell me, please, what do I do? What do you want from me to grant it to you, but let her come back…
For a long time, I was aware of crying and crying, the tears flowed and released my eternal sadness. The angel said, "Offer what matters most to you." What was my greatest desire? The only good thing was Veronica, the purest thing was her, her purity…
"That's it."
I remembered the words of the guardian angel. "You will know how to reach a fair agreement, you are good at solving equations."
I knelt again and transported myself to the time when I prayed and asked the one above for my mother to return. She never did, I hope this time you listen to me.