Chapter 64 Nowhere to be found.

Chapter 64 Nowhere to be found.
Laramie:

If only he knew how wrong he was.

Nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to.

Everything was a mess.

Everything was falling apart.

Tears burned behind my eyes as my heart sank even further into the pit of my stomach, but I bit them back and tried for a small smile of my own. I shrugged casually, pretending that I wasn't bothered by his abscence at all.

"Yeah, I guess so. I have to go, dad. I don't want to be late for my next class."

I pushed past him, hoping with every fiber of my being that he would be satisfied with my answer and let me go. But of course, he wasn't and he didn't.

He grabbed hold of my arm just as I walked past him and turned me so that I was facing him.

I could barely stand the way he was looking at me - he looked so worried about me. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from spilling over.

"Is everything okay, Laramie? Are you having trouble keeping up with your classes?"

"No. No, it's not that, dad."

"Then what is it? You know that you can talk to me, about anything. And if there's something that I can do to help, I will."

Oh, if only that were true...

No matter how much I wanted it, there was nothing my dad could do to help me with my current situation.

And there was absolutely no way that I could ever talk to my dad about any of this.

I didn't even want to think about hurt and disappointed he would be if he ever found out.

I tried for an even better, more convincing smile before leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Seriously, dad. It's nothing for you to be worried about. I guess I just allowed myself to get a little carried away with college life and now I'm playing catch-up. But I'll manage. Really."

He reached for my hand, squeezing it lightly.

"You're sure that that's all it is?"

"Positive, dad. But thank you for caring."

"Always." He smiled at me, his eyes full of paternal love.

"I really have to get going now, though. I'll call you later and we can make plans for dinner sometime."

He only nodded his head. I turned on my heel and hurried away before he had the chance to stop me again.

I tried to get through the rest of my classes, but I could hardly focus on anything else other than that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach - a feeling that told me that everything was going to shit and that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I just couldn't stop thinking about Ethan.

Wondering where he was. What he was doing. When he'd be back again.

Wondering if he was thinking about me too. Wondering if he even felt bad about what he did.

And when I wasn't wondering about Ethan, I was thinking about the look on Noah's face when I had blurted out that I loved Ethan - about the way I could see his heart breaking in his eyes.

My chest ached painfully everytime I replayed the image in my head. So, instead, I pushed the thought aside. Obsessing over Noah and how much I had hurt him wouldn't do me any good.

What was done was done.

There was nothing I could do about it anyway.

Besides, I still needed to find Ethan and tell him about Noah, about what he might do with what he knows. I had to warn him.

And then, I had to tell him that it was over between us and that I never wanted to see him again.

I should probably drop his class as well...

I waited for my last class of the day to finish, then I called for a ride and rushed over to his apartment. If he did call in a few days for leave, then that's where he would be. That's where I would find him.

I stood on the landing of his floor for a moment before crossing the distance to his door. I suddenly felt extremely nervous about seeing him again, and I had half a mind to turn around, rush back to my dorm, and hide my head beneath the covers for the rest of my life.

But I couldn't do that - I wouldn't do that.

I would face Ethan with my head held high. I would show him that I was braver than him.

I was strong enough to do that much.

With trembling hands, I pulled the scarf from around my neck and stuffing it into my bag. I would wear the bruises that he gave me proudly and I would make him look at them.

I would make him face his actions.

I would make him see what he did to me.

Then -

I took a deep breath and walked toward his apartment slowly, my legs feeling like they might betray me at any second.

In front of the door, I paused. Desperate for another deep breath that just wouldn't come - like my lungs were fighting me. So instead, I settled for a smaller ragged one and knocked before I completely lost what little nerve I still had left.

My knock sounded small and pathetic, even to my own ears and I hated myself for it.

I hated the absolute effect that Ethan had on me - even without seeing him.

There was no answer. Just silence.

I knocked again. Louder. Frustration beginning to grow inside me.

Still, no answer.

I tried again. Louder and angrier.

"Ethan! Ethan answer the damn door." I screamed at the door and I didn't care who heard me.

I was so over him hiding away like a coward. He had no right.

Why should I be the one facing all of this alone?

There was no answer. Not even a peep from inside.

He wasn't there.

He wasn't anywhere.

My heart sank, my chest contracting painfully. I no longer bit back the tears that were teethering on the edge of spilling over - I finally let them fall.

I simply sank to my knees in front of his empty apartment, catching my face in my hands, and wept uncontrollably until I had no more tears left to cry.

Ethan was gone.

He just left me. Just like that. Like I was nothing at all to him afterall.

How could he?

Did I really mean that little to him?

Did we really mean that little to him?

I refused to believe it, even though the cold truth was staring me right in the face.

Ethan never cared about me at all...

I've never felt more alone in my entire life as I did in that moment. Not even after my mother walked out on me.

My heart broke, little by little - piece by piece until I was left with nothing but useless shards that meant nothing at all.

I hated feeling the way that I did...