Chapter 57 I just don't know.

Chapter 57 I just don't know.
Laramie:

I stood in front of the door waiting for it open. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms because I was still trembling all over - and it wasn't because of the slight chill in the evening air.

"Hey, kiddo. What's going on?"

My dad opened the door and peered over my shoulder into the night. His voice instantly had a hint of concern in it, so did his eyes.

"I... uh... I had a fight with my roommate, and I didn't feel like staying there."

I lied. I hated it, but what was I supposed to tell him: that I've been sleeping with my English professor and that he got a little handsy with me because I dared to touch myself after he told me not to? It sounded crazy, even to me, and I was there.

"Do you mind if I just stay here tonight?"

He didn't hesitate for a second.

"Of course, kiddo. Come on in - I was just about to make some tea. Would you like a cup?"

I nodded my head gratefully as I followed him inside and waited for him to shut the door behind us. One thing was true, at least. I really didn't feel like going back to my dorm and seeing Elodie. She would see that I was upset and she'd want to know what was wrong. And Elodie was like a dog with a bone - she wouldn't let it go until I told her.

I didn't feel like coming up with a believable lie and I didn't feel like talking either.

The best thing about my dad: he never asked a lot of questions and he never pushed. And honestly, I just needed my dad, even though I couldn't tell him what was going on or what happened, I just needed to see him - hear his voice and know that he was close.

I was scared and I didn't know what to do about it.

"Want to talk about it?"

He asked as he handed me my cup of tea.

"Hmm?"

For a second, I forgot that he had no idea what really happened and my breath caught in my throat. I could practically feel the colour draining from my face.

"About the fight... between you and Elodie?"

I breathed an inward sigh of relief.

"Oh, no... not really. It was stupid actually. Girl stuff - you wouldn't understand."

"Don't be sure, kiddo. I did raise one of my own, you know."

I couldn't help but smile at the hint of pride that he couldn't seem to keep out of his voice, and I was suddenly overcome with a rush of affection and appreciation for my father - the man that was always there for me no matter what. The man that I could always count on.

"Yeah, I know, dad. But really, it's fine. Thanks."

He watched me for a few seconds after that, his eyes searching my face. I had to look away from him because I could feel myself breaking a little. Tears burned the back of my eyes and threatened to spill over. I inhaled deeply to try and choke them back.

"Okay, kiddo, if you say so. But if you happen to change your mind, you know where to find me."

He tried to keep his tone light and casual, but I could tell that he was worried about me.

I was worried about me.

I looked up at him and smiled, reaching for his hand over the table and giving it a quick squeeze.

"Thanks, daddy."

"Daddy. Wow, I don't think I've heard you call me that in years."

I just shrugged, averting my gaze to the cup of cooling tea in front of me.

Luckily, he picked up on my signals and left the matter there. We finished our tea in silence after that, and when he was done, he stood and carried our cups over to the kitchen sink.

"I'll get you some blankets and a pillow for the couch."

"Thanks." I said distracted.

A few minutes later, he returned with my bedding and put it down on the sofa - I was still sitting at the kitchen table staring at my twisted hands in front of me. My dad walked over to me, placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. His lips lingered for a second.

"Goodnight, kiddo."

"Night, dad."

He stopped at the threshold of his bedroom and turned toward the kitchen again. I could feel him staring at the back of my head, but I pretended not to notice him and kept my head down. Tears were already streaming down my face, and I was trying my best to contain the sobs that wanted to tear me apart - I didn't want him to know that I was crying.

I just wanted him to close the door to his room and leave me alone.

Eventually, that's exactly what he did. His door closed with a soft click and a second later the light inside went out.

I let my head fall onto my arms and finally let the sobs do what they've been begging to do. I sat alone in the kitchen, crying silently for the longest time. My mind was racing with so many thoughts that I couldn't possibly grab hold of a single one. My chest constricted painfully, and it felt like my stomach was in knots. I've never experienced anything like this before, and I had no idea what to do next.

Should I call Ethan and try to talk to him about it?

Should I wait for him to call me?

Should I even want to talk to him again after what he did?

I didn't know... and I hated it.

I hated what happened.

I hated what Ethan did to me.

I hated that he hurt me and that he scared me like that.

I hated that a night that started out so perfectly ended so horribly.

I hated that I had no idea what to do next.

And most of all...

I hated myself for missing Ethan as much as I did.

I was angry with him, sure. Actually, I was furious. But I missed him and all I wanted to do, when I thought about the pained look in his eyes when he realized what he had done, was give him a hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay... that we were going to be okay.

He looked so embarrassed, so ashamed of himself and what he had done. In that moment, he looked so vulnerable that my heart ached for him.

Eventually, I stood from the kitchen table and headed over to the sofa - my head hurt from thinking, my eyes burned from crying so much, my body ached all over, and I suddenly felt exhausted.

So, when I finally lay my head against the pillow and pulled the blankets up over my head, I welcomed the silent darkness of sleep that was waiting for me.