I’m comfortable. And I know Lukas isn’t planning to move until I do. But it IS getting late… And, judging by the fact that he still smells faintly like the casino, I suspect Lukas wants to take a shower before bed. So, despite the warm weight of his arm around me, despite how much I don’t want to move, I force myself to stand. Lukas holds on for just a second longer than necessary before finally letting go. I head back to my room to give him some privacy. As I set my hair in curlers, I try to process everything Lukas told me. About Solem’s plans, about how it might affect us and affect Wren. But mostly? I’m just worried about Lukas. I complain about how my life has been messed up lately, but his? His has been way worse. He’s been dealing with so much, and on top of that, he hasn’t even been sleeping in his own bed for weeks. That thought makes me feel beyond guilty. Lukas is a creature of habit, a man who thrives on structure, on routine. And now that I really think about it, I suspect he’s been struggling with the inconsistency more than he’s let on. This whole situation is just wrong. Originally, I only expected him to stay here for a few days. But now? It’s been way longer than that. At this point, he’s not a temporary houseguest. He’s more of an actual housemate. Hell, I think he probably does more cleaning than I do at this point. …Okay, to be fair, it’s not that I’m doing less cleaning than I used to. Lukas just likes things tidier than I do. Still, maybe I should just… Give him my bed for a while. Except, I know he wouldn’t accept it. And… Honestly? I don’t want to. The realization hits me like a quiet but undeniable truth. Plus Lukas JUST lectured me about doing what I want without overthinking all the time. So I try to simplify the situation down to just that one question. What do I want? The answer is actually pretty simple. I want Lukas to stay in my room with me.
I hear the bathroom door open and the sound of Lukas’s footsteps as he moves through the apartment. I wait. I count to sixty. Then I do it two more times, just to make sure I’m not about to weirdly ambush him the second he steps out of the shower. Once I’m sure enough time has passed, I push myself up and head toward the living room. I have a plan. A simple, polite plan. I’ll just casually tell Lukas that he’s welcome to share my bed. No big deal. Totally normal. Nothing to panic about and no reason to make things weird.
“Hey, Lukas…” I start, stepping into the living room. He looks up at me. And then, I see it. The way his gaze flickers down to my lips before snapping back up to my eyes. My stomach flips and a sudden, unexpected rush of embarrassment washes over me.
“Yeah?” He asks, his voice calm and even as he absently reaches down to scratch behind Roxy’s ears. I panic. I held it together sitting on his lap, I didn’t even panic when he kissed me. But that one subtle look and I am completely flustered. So, instead of calmly telling him he can just share my room, I blurt out the entire thing at once, barely taking a breath.
“You should just sleep in my room from now on.” I say in a rush.
“There’s no harm in it, right? We’ve shared a few times, and you’ve been here way longer than I expected, and you clean stuff for me, and you wake up early to feed Princess, so you should have a bed…” I trail off. Lukas blinks. He looks… Stunned. Which, okay, fair. I did just throw a whole speech at him in about two seconds flat. I expect him to argue. Or to just agree. But instead, he hesitates. Then takes a slow, deliberate step closer to me. Then another. Then he reaches out and takes my hand. Very deliberately, his fingers curl around mine, warm and steady. I freeze up. Not because I don’t like it, but because I suddenly have no idea what’s happening. Lukas is looking at my face like he’s searching for something, something important. I suppose he’s reading my mind to figure out what it is too. But he hasn’t said anything, so I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know what he’s looking for, so I just keep talking to him mentally, saying all the things that feel too awkward to say out loud.
*You told me to just do the things I want to do without overthinking so much, and I think this is a good idea. I trust you. And… I kind of like when you sleep next to me. You’re warm. I like not being alone at night. And- Wait. You told me I don’t have to justify things… Does that mean I shouldn’t explain my reasons all the time? Or maybe you just meant that I don’t HAVE to explain them… It’s kind of hard not to explain something in my own head. Ugh, damn it, just say something and make a decision so this conversation can be over and I can stop having this mental debate so often!* I sigh, pressing my lips together in frustration. Lukas squeezes my hand, reassuringly. Then he finally speaks.
“Alright, I would love to share with you.” He says, voice gentle. My breath catches.
“But, if you ever change your mind or want space, just let me know, okay?” He sounds super serious when he speaks. But he’s smiling at me. I swallow, nodding a little too quickly.
“Okay… So… Great.” I respond. I shift slightly, realizing I have no idea what to do next.
“Uh… I guess we should go to bed?” I suggest. Lukas nods, apparently completely unfazed. “Sure.” He agrees. Just like that. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world, and maybe it is. I’m comfortable around Lukas, so there is no reason for my heart to be racing so fast. But I can’t seem to stop it.
Lukas doesn’t even PRETEND that he’s planning to give me space. I climb into bed, and the second I settle, he’s already lying down next to me, wrapping his arms around me like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And I don’t object. Because… Why would I? This is just how Lukas is. He’s been like this from the start, casual in the way he pulls me close, unbothered by the fact that we barely have an inch of space between us. And lately? He’s been even more physically affectionate. I think back to earlier… To the way he kissed me. To the way I kissed him back. Heat rushes to my face, and I fight the urge to bury it in the blankets. I don’t think I’m embarrassed by the kiss itself. I definitely enjoyed it, I just… I don’t know if I’m supposed to act differently after something like that. But what would I even do differently? My options are basically, one, tell Lukas not to do things like that anymore or two, accept it and stop worrying so much. And clearly, I didn’t tell him to stop. I exhale slowly, settling deeper into the warmth of his arms.
*If you’re listening right now, feel free to just… Ignore me. I’m processing.* I tell him the words silently, already knowing he hears them. I COULD try to push it out of my mind, try to think about something else until I know he isn’t reading my thoughts. But I’ve already learned the hard way that the second I try not to think about something, it inevitably becomes the only thing happening in my head. And since I basically have this mental debate every single time Lukas gets close to me, it would be impossible to avoid. So I might as well just think about it, let the thoughts happen and accept that I’m basically thinking out loud. I could ask Lukas to contribute, to explain his thoughts and to tell me what this means to him. But honestly? I think that might make me more confused. He seems okay leaving things how they are for now, so until I figure things out, I’m just going to default back to his advice. And I’ll just… Do what I want to do. Which, right now, is nothing. I LIKE the way Lukas and I interact, I like how we spend time together. I like his attention. His affection… Even his cheesy pick up lines are starting to grow on me. So I’ll just let things be and see where it goes. I’m better at making things up as I go anyway.