Chapter 21

Renata smiled nervously as she opened the door, but Gabe's wide, easy grin took the nerves away and made her wonder how she had stayed away from him for so long. He kissed her as he came in, and she met his lips instead of turning her head. He handed her a long, clumsily wrapped package, and she had to laugh.

"What on earth is this?" she asked.

"You'll have to open it and see," Gabe said and sniffed appreciatively. "Something smells amazing!"

"Good, I'm cooking it myself." She carried the package to the table and sat down to unwrap it. "Can I open it now?"

"Of course!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like a glass of wine or a beer? Or something else, if you prefer."

"Beer would be perfect. I'll get it myself; you go ahead with what you're doing."

Renata grew tired of trying to open the package carefully and ripped off the paper, bursting into laughter as she unwrapped a hot pink fishing pole. Gabe looked pleased at her reaction.

"I thought you should have one of your own," he said.

"It's perfect." She got up so she could kiss him. "Thank you, I love it."

"I'll put it together for you later." He pulled her down onto his lap and nuzzled her neck. "So how have you been feeling?"

"I'm all healed, finally. I can ride as much as I want now, and I finally got through to Jo that it's time for her to go on a normal work schedule, so she's home at night with her husband, where she belongs."

"Really." Gabe looked impressed. "Lee must be happy."

"He is. I gave Jo the day off so the two of them could take off for a long weekend. They had reservations at a very romantic bed and breakfast."

"Hmm, you're making me jealous."

Renata raised an eyebrow. "Really? I didn't know you felt that way about Jo."

Gabe laughed and caught her chin in his hand, turning her face so he could kiss her. Renata kissed him back and then abruptly got to her feet and checked the timer on the oven.

"This is almost ready. We can eat and then talk."

"All right," Gabe said mildly. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Sure." Renata handed him the table service and said, "You can set the table for me, and I'll get the salad."

In a few minutes, dinner was on the table and they talked about neighborhood news while they enjoyed Renata's excellent pot roast. When they were finished, Renata asked, "Do you want dessert now, or would you like to wait for a while?"

"Let's wait," Gabe said. "Let's go out and sit on the porch swing for a while."

"Okay." Renata refilled her wine glass and got Gabe another beer before they went outside. They settled into the swing and watched the peaceful, early evening landscape.

"Gabe, there are things I need to tell you about my life with Logan."

"Darlin', you can tell me anything you want, but you don't have to tell me anything. Your life with Logan is over. I know it must have been so hard to do what you did, for the reason you did it. You don't owe me any explanations."

"But I feel I do. I can't go into a relationship with you unless you know exactly the kinds of things I did, the kind of person I was. I lived a complete lie for a very long time. It was for a reason I felt was valid, but it was still a lie. Once you know it all, you might not want to have anything to do with me, and you have a right to the information you need, to be able to make that decision."

Gabe took her hand and said, "Nothing is going to make me feel that way. But if you need to tell me, then I'll listen to every word."

"I was only nineteen when I was introduced to Logan, but I knew him for long before that. I researched him, I watched him, I guess you could say I stalked him. I made a plan to see that he married me, and I carried out that plan. My brother had gone away, my mother was just a shadow of herself, and I vowed vengeance for my family. My plans went exactly as I intended, and when I was twenty-one, I was married to Logan in a perfect, high-society wedding. He had been working with George Russell for the whole time I knew him, and I made sure that their alliance became stronger and stronger. I knew exactly what George Russell was, and I planned for my husband to be the candidate George was looking to build. At the same time, I made sure that I would become the perfect woman to become the First Lady. I was careful about everything I did and said, that I always looked exactly right.

"Logan fell completely in love with me; I made sure that he would. I flattered him, I catered to his every need, I fulfilled his every desire. And while I did all that, I never stopped digging for the evidence I needed to bring him down—him, and all the rest of them. Logan had…very strong appetites. The more his public life grew, the stronger his appetites grew. After every public appearance, he expected me to satisfy him. I learned to dominate him, sexually, so that I would have some control, so that I wasn't giving him the upper hand. I had to keep him needing me. Logan liked rough sex, violent sex. And I gave him whatever he needed. I hated him every minute, but I gave him everything he wanted. I did it all deliberately. I offered up my body in exchange for the opportunity to find what I needed to expose him and the rest of them."

Gabe had known that this confession was going to be hard to listen to. He forced himself to remain calm, knowing that if he betrayed the way he felt, he would scare this woman, this woman he loved, off forever. He knew exactly how much courage it was taking for her to tell him.

Renata took a deep breath. "This is not the worst of it. Logan was violent during sex. He was turned on when I inflicted pain on him, but he also liked to inflict pain on me. And I let him do it. The worst thing was…" She faltered and took another deep breath, struggling for control. "The worst thing was that I liked it. It was so stimulating, even while I was hating him, while I was hating myself, the pain and the sex were good for me. My body reacted, and I couldn't stop it. I wondered every time what the hell was wrong with me. How could I react that way to a man I hated, to actions that I hated? And yet, my body reacted to it every single time. I couldn't control it. I would weep while my body was rocked with orgasms. I'm sorry; I don't want to say these things to you, but you have to know there's something terribly wrong with me. And each time, as we were getting close to him getting the nomination, he got more violent and he took more control. The very last time, he made the ultimate violation of me. And even that turned me on, made me react. It was all I could take. I made up my mind that he had touched me for the last time. Thank God it all ended then. I don't know what I would have done."

Renata's face was haunted, and Gabe had never wanted anything more than to beat Logan Wakefield to death. She couldn't look at him, and he took a deep, steadying breath and then wordlessly gathered her into his lap. That was all it took. She began to weep, great racking sobs that shook her whole body. He held her, murmured wordlessly to her, rocked her until she had cried herself out. He just sat there with her, comforting her for a long time. Then he turned her face toward his and said, "Now. I have a lot to tell you. First of all, Logan Wakefield is a worthless, lowlife piece of scum who never deserved to kiss the ground you walked on. And that's all I have to say about that."

He paused for a moment. "Now, I have a lot more to say. There is nothing wrong with you, Renata. There is a well-known, physiological relationship between pleasure and pain. Both produce endorphins, which act in the brain to reduce pain and increase pleasure. Pain is a stimulant that can turn right into pleasure. It's not all in your head, it's not weird, it doesn't mean there's something sick about your reactions. There are millions of people who practice lifestyles that include pain, pain that leads to pleasure. The two are closely linked. There was nothing wrong with your body's responses to stimulus. The only thing you need to have for a healthy relationship that includes pain is a partner whom you can trust. You need to know that he won't go further than you will permit. You need a safe word that, if you use it, means that he stops immediately. You need to be secure in the knowledge that you are safe. There are all kinds of different relationships that include pain that are perfectly okay for those partners. Some are serious. Some are play. Some are purely sexual, and some are actually discipline. There's nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with Logan." He hugged her fiercely, and she held on to him like he was saving her from drowning.

Fresh tears flooded her eyes, and Renata said, "You think I'm normal? You don't think what I did was…terrible?"

"Renata, I think what you did was heroic. There's not one thing I would fault you for. I admire your strength, your courage, your determination. You are an incredible woman and I am completely, totally in love with you."

Tears were flowing down her face and she felt a stone break free from her heart. This was the final step to her freedom. For the first time in her adult life, she felt there was a future to look forward to. Her entire life had been her quest for evidence and that quest was finally over. She began to realize that she hadn't really lived her life up to this point. Everything she did from here on out was going to be new because she was in control of her life for the first time. She could choose what she did from now on; she could choose what she wanted to do. Renata felt a sense of hope that she had never experienced before.

Gabe brushed the hair back from her face and kissed her forehead gently. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes. I'm going to be. I feel hopeful in a way I've never felt before. I'm going to have a brand new life, and I have a lot to think about. I concentrated on nothing but the goal I was after for so long, I guess I just never got further than that. Now I have a future to figure out."

"You have all the time in the world."

She thought that over for a minute and then smiled. "I guess I do. I can take as long as I want. Would you like dessert?"

Gabe laughed. "You bet I would." He was reluctant to leave her, but he could see how tired she was by the time they finished their pie and ice cream and he knew it was best to say good night. "Make sure you lock everything up and set the alarms. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thank you for dinner; it was delicious."

When he reached for the door, Renata said, "Wait." She slipped her arms around his waist and lifted her face to his. "You can't leave without a goodnight kiss."

Gabe grinned all the way to his truck. He was going to court the woman, the way a woman should be courted. He was going to do his best to make up for the years she had spent with Logan, in a loveless, false relationship. He was going to show her what it was to feel real love, and if he was lucky, she would feel it for him.

***

Renata began to experience a life she had only imagined before. She had lived a life of wealth and sophistication; now she tried simple things that brought her much more pleasure than all the sophistication in the world could ever give her. She rode, she walked, she went fishing with Gabe, she swam in the pond, and Gabe pushed her in the old fashioned rope swing that hung from a tree. She was only mildly aware of the progress in the criminal cases she had set into motion, but she knew they were going as expected. She had let go of the past pretty effectively, and it turned out that she didn't have to appear in court.

Gabe took her out to the movies, which she discovered that she loved. He took her out for ice cream and hamburgers, and she went for weeks at a time without ever stepping on a scale, something she had done religiously in her old life. They went to the county fair and the flea market and sat in the back row of the old drive-in movie theater, necking like teenagers.

One day, Renata got an official-looking envelope in the mail from a government address. She opened it and scanned the letter of explanation then turned to the second page, which held a check. She gave a shocked gasp, her eyes wide at the amount the check was for. It was her share of the reward for the information that led to the breakup of the money laundering operation. She had never expected that it would be so much. Stunned, she sank into a chair and stared at it, wondering what she should do. Jo walked into the room and stopped, concerned at the look on Renata's face.

"What's wrong?" she asked quickly.

Renata looked up with a dazed expression. "Nothing, nothing's wrong, really. I'm just…I just got this. It's the reward money from the government. It's so much. I never expected it."

Swept with a wave of relief, Jo looked at the check Renata held out, then she let out her own gasp of shock. "Oh, my! Renata, how much money were those people dealing with?"

"Oh, it came to billions, over all the years they did it. It was a huge operation."

"Well, darlin', it's yours. You can do whatever you want with it. You sure as hell did earn it."

A look of distaste crossed Renata's face. "I know it's reward money, and it didn't really come from those thieves, but it feels like it did. It feels like dirty money."

Privately, Jo thought she should take it and enjoy it, but she kept her silence and thought for a minute. "Well, why don't you start by talking to your lawyer about it? There are always charities that need money. And you should seriously think about investing some of it for the future. I know you don't like it now, but what if you end up having children? You'd be providing for their future."

Renata looked startled at the thought. "Children," she said softly. She was lost in thought for a little bit. "Well, you're definitely right about one thing. I should talk to my lawyer about it, but I don't want to go back to Washington."

Jo said practically, "Call your lawyer, give him the general gist of what you need advice on, and have him recommend someone who isn't in Washington."

Renata smiled and got up to give Jo a hug. "You're brilliant. I'll do exactly that," Within a couple of hours, she had an appointment scheduled with an attorney about forty minutes away from the farm. She put the check away in the safe along with her jewelry and put it out of her mind.