Chapter 20

The next week, Renata received her divorce papers. She felt a cold satisfaction as she read them, and she signed on the proper lines and immediately put them back in the mail to her attorney. As soon as Logan signed and returned his, the divorce could be finalized and the last of the chains would fall from her shoulders. Another step in the direction of real freedom. She checked the time difference and called Tomas to let him know, and then she spoke to her mother for a little while. Her mother had a very traditional view of the sanctity of marriage, but she had a short, pithy comment to make about Logan and then she congratulated her daughter and made her laugh.

Tomas called to her from the background. "She had a gesture to go along with that remark."

Renata was still smiling when she hung up the phone, and then she impulsively called Gabe and asked him if he would like to get together later in the day. Gabe, of course, was quick to say yes.

"Are we doing something in particular?" he asked.

Renata thought fast and said, "Well, I need a driving lesson."

Surprised, Gabe laughed and said, "Seriously?"

"Yes, I really do. I don't have drivers and guards and limos anymore. I need to get a driver's license and a car."

"Okay, I'm game. What time shall we begin class?"

"Anytime that's good for you is fine with me."

"Well, then, I'll finish what I'm doing here, and then I'll be over," Gabe replied, grinning when he hung up.

Renata stood thinking for a minute and then hurried to change from her old college t-shirt to a more presentable pullover and took her hair down from its messy ponytail and brushed it into a shining mane. She even put on a dab of perfume and some lip gloss, then she laughed at herself. She frowned over the scar across her cheek and had to remind herself that it was a badge of honor. But she forgot it completely when she saw Gabe pull up in front of the house. He had driven his dad's SUV instead of his big truck. Gabe walked around and opened the door for her, and she slid into the passenger's seat.

"So, we'd better have some background information first," Gabe said after they'd greeted each other. "Have you ever driven before, or is this a completely new experience?"

"Of course, I've driven before, but it was a long time ago."

"How long, exactly?"

"When I was a teenager. All teenagers want to drive, right?"

Gabe laughed. "That's been my experience, yes. Okay, I'm going to take you out to the deserted factory on Bethel Road. The parking lot is huge and empty. It's where all the teenagers go to learn to drive. There are even a bunch of safety cones out there that people have used and left. It's the perfect place to learn."

Renata had just been using her need to learn to drive as an excuse to see Gabe, but she found herself looking forward to it as they pulled into the big, empty parking lot. And she soon found that driving a car was a little like riding a bike; she hadn't completely forgotten how to do it. Soon she was driving quite competently around the big lot and Gabe praised her for her natural skill. As she braked to a smooth stop, she gave him a radiant smile and said, "I have a confession to make."

"Don't tell me. You've been driving all along and didn't need a lesson at all?"

Renata laughed. "No, that's not it. I really haven't driven in all these years and you could see that I did need a lesson. But it was kind of an excuse. I felt like celebrating a little and you were the one I wanted to celebrate with."

"I'm honored, m'lady. What are we celebrating?"

Renata's eyes grew more serious. "I got my divorce papers today. I signed them immediately and mailed them right back to my attorney."

Gabe's heart skipped a beat. "Well, that is a reason to celebrate. How does it feel?"

"It feels like another chain fell away from me. It feels good and right. And my mother, who is completely traditional about the responsibilities of marriage, congratulated me." Renata repeated to him the remark her mother had made, and he gave a delighted laugh.

"I'd like to meet your mother," Gabe said, still chuckling.

"I'd like that too." Renata smiled at him.

Gabe said, "Congratulations on your good news." He leaned over and kissed her lightly.

"Thank you," Renata said, her voice husky. Her face was still tilted up to his and he caressed it with his fingers and lowered his lips to hers again. The kiss lingered, soft and sweet, and she gave a wordless little hum that went straight to his loins.

"Renata," he murmured, scarcely above a whisper. He pressed his lips to the scar on her face, with barely the weight of a feather. "Does it hurt?"

"No." Her eyes were dark with the desire his kiss had kindled, so he did it again, his tongue probing her sweet mouth delicately, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth and setting her on fire with his gentle touches.

"I made you a promise once. I told you there's something between us and once this battle is all over, we're going to find out exactly what it is. And if it's what I think it is, then we're going to have it. We're going to have each other; we're going to be safe and happy and free. It's almost over now, and I'm going to keep that promise. You still have my word."

She wanted it. She wanted it in the worst way, but just as she wavered on the brink of slipping completely under his spell, she got a vivid flash of the raw, violent coupling she had shared with Logan and the purely animal pleasure she had gotten from it. A hot wave of shame swept over her and she knew how shocked Gabe would be if he knew. How could she ever go to him with a clear conscience? She would never be able to cleanse herself of the things she had done with Logan. Gabe deserved so much better than she could offer him.

"Renata, what is it? What are you thinking? Are you in pain? Was I too rough?"

"No, no, I'm fine. I just…oh, Gabe, this is impossible. We can't go down this road."

"Why? It's too soon. I knew it was, I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't rush you. There's no hurry. I can wait until you're ready. With everything you've been through, no wonder you need time. You take all the time you need. I'll be right here, and in the meantime, I'm here. I'm your friend. No more pressure, I promise."

Renata stared at him, knowing she couldn't ever be ready unless she could tell him everything. And she couldn't imagine ever telling him. She couldn't imagine facing the look in his eyes when he heard. No. It was impossible. It was a happiness that could never be hers. She had sacrificed more than she had expected to when she had vowed to have justice for her family.

Her voice was filled with pain when she said, "I should go home now." She got out of the car so Gabe could take the driver's seat, and when he kissed her lightly, she turned her head so that his kiss landed on her cheek, the same move she had always used when George Russell went to kiss her. She suddenly felt the need to take a shower, as long and hot as she could stand.

***

Renata became a quieter, more subdued version of herself in the days following her driving lesson. She smiled less and spent more time alone. Jo fretted over her but reasoned that all the things that had happened to her had been bound to catch up with her. She was finally able to get the cast off her wrist and the splints off her fingers, and she was able to laugh with less pain. But her laugh didn't happen very often, and Jo worried more and more.

The day the doctor cleared Renata to go back to riding, was the best day she'd had in a long time. She developed a habit of going for long, solitary rides every day. But even the hours on the back of a horse didn't bring her peace. One day, as she was riding across the pasture, another horse approached her. Once the other rider got close enough, Renata was able to recognize Lila Vale.

"Lila! Hello, what brings you out here?"

"Hello yourself, Renata. You've been back here all this time and I've yet to see a trace of you. So I figured I'd hunt you down myself and say hello."

"I'm sorry. You're right. I should have come to visit."

Lila said, "Well, we can talk while we ride. You sure do know how to shake up a town, don't you now?"

The remark surprised a laugh out of Renata. "Yes, I guess I do."

"Well, no sense in doing things half-assed, I always say. I heard that empty-headed son of a bitch ex-husband of yours is set to go to trial next month."

It took Renata by surprise. "I hadn't even heard that yet."

"You need to stay on top of the gossip better, girl. Are you going to have to appear as a witness?"

"They took a detailed deposition from me on video tape. They think that there's so much physical evidence, I won't have to appear, but that could change. I promised to do it if they need me."

"So I heard that fine-looking Gabe Fletcher is mighty taken with you. Why aren't you snatching him up? He's not just pretty, he's a damn good man, too." Lila apparently had no boundaries to her gossip.

"I like Gabe just fine; he's a good friend to me."

Lila gave her an exasperated look. "Girl, that man is a helluva lot more than a friend to you! Open your eyes! You have a chance to finally have a happy life, one where good things belong to you. How many years did you sacrifice everything so you could bring all those sonsofbitches crashing down? Don't you think it's your turn for a good life now?"

"You don't…this is all really complicated, Lila."

The tiny, feisty woman snorted. "Nonsense. There's no reason on God's green earth why you shouldn't reach out and grab every bit of happiness you can."

"But there is! I've done things. Things I can't ever take back, disgusting things."

"Good lord, child, we've all done things like that. They're over. Are you still doing them now? No? Then forget it; it's over. Life is too damn short to be throwing it away because you did something you regret."

"I can't be with Gabe unless I'm honest with him. And there's no way I can ever tell him everything I did."

"Why not? You think he's some shallow jackass of a man like Logan Wakefield? You know better than that. Whatever you need to tell him, I'd bet every horse I've got that he can take it. Hell, you're probably making more out of it than it is in the first place."

"How did you even know about Gabe and me?"

Lila snickered. "Girl, I am an expert at the art of gossip. And I've got damn good eyes, too."

Renata looked at her with narrowed eyes. "And there are plenty of people around who like to talk about things they shouldn't, aren't there?"

"It'd be pretty tough to have a good supply of gossip if there weren't, wouldn't it?" Lila grinned, completely unashamed. "Do yourself a favor and stop thinking you have to live up to some image of perfection. You're a human being like everybody else. You bite the bullet and tell Gabe what you need to tell him and get it over with. I saw what that bastard, George Russell, had done to you, and you survived that just fine. This is just talk, and you've got more than enough backbone to handle it."

For the first time, Renata entertained the possibility that maybe she could tell Gabe everything. The flash of hope it gave her took her breath away. Maybe, just maybe, if she could work up the courage, there actually might be a happy future ahead of her. She had no idea how radiant the smile was that she turned on Lila.

Lila smiled back, a satisfied, nearly smug smile. "Now, there we go. Don't mess around. You give that man a chance. I guarantee you he's not gonna disappoint you."

"Lila, you are one of a kind. And I'm damn lucky to call you a friend."

"And it's time for me to take myself home. I'll see you soon." With a wave, she galloped off.

Renata rode and thought for another twenty minutes and then headed back to the barn, just in time to see Lila's rig pulling away and heading to the road. Shaking her head, she laughed out loud. "And I thought she was just out riding the fields. She hauled her horse over here and rode out to find me." She slid off her horse and led him into the barn, where Nick was just hanging up a lead rope.

Renata turned her horse's reins over to him and said, "So, who turned your mother on me, you or Jo?"

Nick blinked and said, "I don't have a clue what you're talking about. She just asked if she could come over here and ride, have a little change of scenery." He kept a perfect poker face, but the tips of his ears were burning.

"Okay, well, we had a good ride. Thanks, Nick." With a pat on her horse's butt, she left the barn.

Renata went into the house and found Jo working in the kitchen. "Jo, haven't you had just about enough of babysitting me? Lee must be sick and tired of being in your house alone."

Jo said, "This is my job. Lee knows that."

"Yes, but don't you think it's time for some changes? You don't need to stay here around the clock anymore. I'm not here just for a few days, I'm here to stay. You should come to work in the morning and go home in the afternoon like normal people do."

"Oh, but you need—"

"I don't need a nanny. I need a housekeeper and friend, and your husband needs you home at night."

"I don't know. After everything you went through, you needed somebody to take care of you. But, oh, well, you're a lot better now; you're probably perfectly ready to get on with your life." Lee joined them for dinner that night, and after the dishes were done, his wife went home with him. Renata spent several days thinking about the things she needed to tell Gabe and storing up the courage it was going to take for her to do it. When she finally realized that she was stalling, she took a deep breath and called Gabe to invite him over for dinner on Friday night—a dinner she was planning to cook herself.

Renata gave Jo the day off so she and Lee could take a long weekend, one they'd needed for a long time. Then she made a fresh salad and baked her first apple pie, which smelled wonderful and looked like it had turned out the way it was supposed to. She followed Jo's recipe for pot roast to the letter and, once it was in the oven, went to bathe and pamper her skin. She'd gotten a manicure and pedicure the day before, for the first time since she'd left Washington. She put on makeup, also for the first time since she'd left Washington, other than when she'd had to meet with lawyers or FBI agents. She inspected herself carefully in the mirror, and then she creamed off the makeup and settled for mascara and lip gloss. The face in the mirror had looked too much like Renata Wakefield, first lady-to-be.

She found herself trembling as the time grew closer for him to be there. She poured a glass of wine and let herself have one tiny sip. And then he knocked on the door.