Chapter 31

Hours later, I was still awake, cradled in Liam’s arms. He had dropped off quickly, but though I’d tried, I couldn’t make my mind settle. Over and over his words ran through my head. “Could she have chosen you to guide the Zanskan Kin back to her? Back to the old ways?”

While I felt it to be at least a partial truth, I didn’t know what to do with that truth. And even more troubling was the thought that I might not want that burden. After all, Selene hadn’t bothered to ask me if I wanted her sigil. I suspected it would be a monumental undertaking and I wasn’t sure I could even handle it if I wanted to.

And then there was the matter of providing aid to a people who had murdered my tribe, enslaved me, then taken me away from the only home I’d ever known. I had always been taught to help those in need, but could I really bring myself to help the Kin that had destroyed my world?

My aunt’s voice whispered in my mind. Strive to exceed your limitations. Be better than those that would cause you harm. Be kind, both to yourself and to others.

And then I thought of Emmi, Shubert, Nanny, Zusa and Kaira and the scores of slaves I’d known over the years and realized that, yes, I would help the Zanskan Kin if I could.

Sighing, I gently extricated myself from Liam’s arms and carefully wiggled out of the bed. Quietly, I padded to the door to the study and slid the door open just enough to slip through in an effort to minimize noise so as not to wake Liam. I closed the door behind me and crossed over to the garden wall, undoing the latch and sliding it open.

When going out to the garden with Liam and Major Antelz earlier, I had noticed a small table and a couple of legless chairs on the far end of the verandah. I took a seat, tucking the light robe I’d worn to bed around my legs, and stared out at the garden as I ran my fingers lightly over the tattoo, still pondering what it meant and swiftly getting nowhere with it.

One of the house slaves passed by and smiled and bowed to me, which was disconcerting to me. We didn’t bow in Astmenai and all the bowing in Zanska was something I correlated to nobility, not to one such as I. But to be polite, I returned the gesture.

“Is there anything I can do for you, nim?” he asked with a pleasant tone. I shook my head and gave him a smile, but there must have been something strange on my face because he bent, plucked a brilliantly pink flower and offered it to me with another bow.

I gave him a more genuine smile as I took the flower from him and raised it to my face, inhaling deeply, taking in its lovely fragrance. It was startling to me how sweet and citrusy it smelled and I asked him, “What kind of flower is this? It’s remarkable.”

“It is sweet pea, nim.”

“Thank you. It’s very beautiful.”

And with that, he gave me another bow and went down one of the paths, presumably to tend to the garden. Before he disappeared entirely, I realized that I hadn’t asked his name; I had become too accustomed to keeping a distance between myself and others.

Raising my voice so that he’d hear me, I called out and asked his name. He turned around and with a bow and a smile, said that his name was Rami.

“It was nice to meet you, Rami. Thank you again for the flower.”

He gave me a boyishly charming smile and bowed before going about his business.

Once he’d gone, my mind turned inward and I absentmindedly twirled the flower stem in my fingers until a voice startled me. “What troubles you, lass?”

I’d been so engrossed in my thoughts that I hadn’t heard anyone else approaching. I looked up to see Nanny coming toward me from the garden, wearing her slave’s blues but with a small parasol in one hand to keep the sun off her head.

I rose and gave her a deep bow of my head and then gestured at the other seat. “Will you join me, Nanny?”

She made her way up the verandah steps as she told me in a stern voice, “Never bow to me, lass. I’m naught but a slave and you’re the bride of a crown prince. You may not care for appearances, but remember that everything you do, down to the silliest bit of protocol, comes back to him.”

I couldn’t help but flash her a saucy smile. “Protocols such as a slave scolding that same bride?”

She cackled as she collapsed the parasol, leaning it against the wall and then took the other seat. “Yes, well, you might have something there.”

Removing her pipe and pouch from her sleeve, she began to fill the tiny bowl with tobacco.

“I suppose raising lordlings and the like for fifty some odd years makes my tongue sharp and I forget myself. A miracle I haven’t gotten my head lopped off, I suppose.”

She lit a match and touched it to the tobacco, but a gust of wind blew the match out before the tobacco could catch. I leaned over and cupped my hands around hers to block the wind and she lit another match, this time getting the pipe going, puffing at it happily as she leaned back in her chair with a contented sigh.

“So,” she gave me a look, her eyes squinting at me through the smoke, “what ails you, lass? That was a peculiar look you had on your face, so I say.”

I sighed and looked out toward the garden. “I’m not sure where to start. I have so many troubles right now, they are like the stars in the sky.”

Nanny snorted. “It may feel like that, but trust one as old as I, no amount of troubles are insurmountable. You just have to attack them one at a time until they are no more.”

I glanced sideways at the old woman. Maybe it was the exhaustion, but her words irked me.

Holding up a finger for each point, I rattled off my woes to her in a quick stream of words. “I am a slave but bonded to a crown prince by the goddess. There is a more than middling chance that Tae Beun will order my execution once he hears of the Mark, rather than to let the crown prince be bonded to a slave. The seneschal tortured me and I have no idea why. My best friend was murdered. I’ve been tattooed with the goddess’ sigil and have no understanding of why she chose me of all the Kin.”

I held up a sixth finger. “And I only have the vaguest inkling of what she might want and absolutely no idea of how to go about it.”

Breathing hard, my emotions in complete turmoil, I wasn’t prepared for Nanny’s raucous laugh.

I stared at her in disbelief, not able to find the humor in my tirade.

When her laughter finally tapered off, her voice still laden with amusement, she said, “Well, now, you surely did put me in my place. That is certainly a heap of troubles that you have, lass.”

My irritation with her dissipated. Drily, I retorted, “I’m glad you see that, Nanny.”

She pointed her pipe at me, her eyes twinkling. “I stand by what I said, though. Nothing is insurmountable if you set your mind to it.”

I had to admit that she was right. Hadn’t I just told Liam and Major Antelz the story of Biki-a? That thought made me wonder what Aunt Kenzu would have done in my situation.

Nanny interrupted my thoughts before I could delve deeper into them, her tone somber now. “Sorry I am to hear of your friend’s passing.” She took a deep drag on her pipe and blew a plume of smoke toward the sky, her face contemplative. “It’s never easy losing someone you love. No, never easy.”

I wondered who Nanny had lost, but didn’t want to ask lest it make her sad.

As if sensing my thoughts, she said, “I lost my husband many years ago, just before I came here to serve Tae Han.”

I waited, thinking she would tell me how her husband had passed, but she just cleared her throat and puffed on her pipe as she looked out at the garden.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Nanny,” was all I could think to say.

She waved her hand in a blasé way. “It was long ago, lass. My grief has passed, though I do miss the fool on occasion.”

She smiled wistfully and continued gazing out at the garden, seeming to be lost in thought.

My mind went back to considering what my aunt would do were she in my place. Nothing came to me immediately, but then I recalled when I had gone to her for guidance about Emik. I was young and unsure what to do with the emotions that ran through me every time I saw him. My aunt had said, “Will you sit in your mother’s yurt and wither away as you wait for something that may never come? Or will you grasp fate in your own hands and take what you may?”

That had struck a chord within me. I was no wilting flower, just young and foolish. I went to Emik and told him of my feelings and to my utter delight, he felt the same, but had just been too shy to show his heart to me. We courted for the next year and were married soon after we both came of age.

And here I was, sitting in a luxurious prison waiting for a king to decide my fate.

It occurred to me that my aunt would have been disappointed to see me handing the control of my life over to a stranger instead of grasping it with my own two hands. That thought hurt my heart in a way that I didn’t expect and made me miss my aunt all over again. She had been harsh at times, but she had also shown me great love and had treated me as if I were her own daughter.

And while her words were true, my aunt also never had to balance her choices against a mighty king of a foreign nation. The Astmenai way of life was much simpler than the Zanskan political mire I found myself in. It made me long for my old life, though I knew there was no longer any chance of going back. No matter what happened in the future, I was bound to a Zanskan man and I would have to work my way through the maze if I wished to stay with Liam.

I leant over and gave Nanny a kiss on her wrinkled cheek. “I’m sorry, Nanny, but I must go. Thank you for your counsel.”

She gave me a surprised look, but flapped a hand at me as if to shoo me off. “Go, lass, go do what needs to be done.”

I shot to my feet and quickly went to the verandah entrance. I hesitated for a moment before turning back to Nanny. “Will you tell me someday how it is that a slave has several children?”

She narrowed her eyes and looked at me through a plume of smoke. “You’re far too clever, lass. Far too clever, so I say.”

She turned her eyes back to the garden and I thought that she wouldn’t answer my question. But then her voice, soft and devoid of its querulous tone, came to me. “Yes, I’ll tell you, if you’d like. Someday.”

Quietly, I went back to the study. I touched the call orb and it was Zusa who answered. Keeping my voice low so that I didn’t yet disturb Liam, I asked Zusa to send a message to Maezi and to remove the law books and have them returned to the palace library.

In just a few minutes, Zusa returned with several slaves and they took away the boxes of books. I was glad to see them go. They were a dead end and spending time searching through their pages was naught but an exercise in futility. I think I’d known somewhere deep inside that we were never going to find the answers we sought within those soul-sucking pages.

As Liam had said from the beginning, “What human laws does the goddess care for?”

The answer was none at all.

Seating myself at the table, I closed my eyes and sunk into thought as I waited for Maezi.

Not knowing my way in Zanska, having been subjugated for six years and then being thrown into a whirlwind of events had all conspired to make me lose my way in the guise of trying to “follow the rules.” I had been acting like prey hiding in a bur rough hoping the predator didn’t catch my scent and in doing so, I had traded one type of slavery for another and damned if I was going to keep on living that way, for it wasn’t really living at all.

After a short while, there was a knock at the door and Maezi entered. She was wearing a dress in a bright teal with white flowers embroidered at the hem and all over the sleeves. It was far less frilly than what I’d seen her in before, but she still looked exquisite. Her hair was also different; it was parted in the middle and the majority of it hung down her back nearly to her knees like a silken waterfall while two jaw length locks framed her face on either side, highlighting her cheekbones.

And her face, though still pale and lovely, looked more natural and less powdered and glowed with good health. She looked content, happy.

I gestured for her to sit. “Thank you for coming so quickly, Maezi. You look stunning in that color.”

A pink flush bloomed in her cheeks and she looked down as if embarrassed. “Thank you, Miss Xia. I made this dress years ago but have never dared to wear it. I think many of the ladies I sew for will think it too simple.”

I snorted as I seated myself opposite her. “Then fools they are for it is lovely. I, for one, think the simpler lines of it are quite appealing. Perhaps you will start a new trend.”

She gave me a sweet smile and looked genuinely pleased. “One can hope, nim. How may I be of service today?”

I explained to Maezi what I desired and she took extensive notes and made rough sketches in her little pad of paper, asking clarifying questions now and then. When I was satisfied that I’d covered everything, she tucked her notebook back into her satchel and promised to have everything ready within a few days.

Giving me a shy smile, she told me, “I have been more at ease in the last few days than ever in my life. Thank you… thank you for seeing me and… and for accepting me.”

She touched the torque at her neck. “I’m not ready to take this off, but I think that I will someday.”

I returned her smile. “I think that we will be wonderful friends, Maezi.”

Rising to her feet, she bowed her head deeply. “You are wrong, Miss Xia.” That startled me for I’d thought we had both felt a sense of kinship. Before I could protest though, she set me straight. “We are already friends, to my great delight.”

I smiled in relief. “If we are friends, then we are equals and I would ask that you stop bowing to me and calling me ‘miss’ or ‘nim’. Friendship does not know class or any of that nonsense.”

Maezi straightened up and the smile on her face was full of a simple joy. “I will try to honor your words, Mi- Xia.”

And with another promise to return soon, she left, sliding the door closed behind her.

My heart was full. She would never replace Emmi, but it was nice to have a new friend. When things settled down, if ever, I hoped to invite her to have supper with us some evening just to enjoy her company and get to know her better and not just to ask her to make clothes for me.

With that task done, I called for tea and sat in contemplation while I sipped at it slowly. Eventually, the bedroom door slid open and Liam stood there, hair tousled and looking incredibly sexy in nothing but his pajama pants.

Through a huge yawn, he said, “There you are, little one.”

Smiling, I rose and went to him, reaching up to run my hands through his messy hair to tame it a bit. Then playfully tugging on his ears, I pulled him down for a kiss. I tried to pull away but he cupped a hand behind my head and held me in place while he deepened the kiss.

After a long moment, he broke the kiss and his eyes were dark with desire. “I didn’t like waking up without you. How have I become so accustomed to sleeping beside you in such a short amount of time?”

Smiling up at him, I said, “I’ve wondered similar things, like my constant need to touch you, to see your smile, to smell your scent. It all feels so… normal, so natural, like it was always meant to be and I just didn’t know it for twenty-four years.”

I caressed his jaw, his stubble rasping against my fingertips. “I kept questioning it before, kept trying to tell myself it was odd and none of it made sense. But then I realized that that was the falsehood, not the emotions I have for you, so…” I shrugged. “You once told me that it was ‘impossible to win against a force of nature’. You were right and I have no desire to fight it.”

Liam ran his thumb across my lower lip before leaning down to give me another kiss. I returned his kiss but then pulled away and tugged at his hand.

“Come and have some tea. I want to discuss something with you.”

He resisted and pulled me back to him, pressing me against his chest. “I’d much rather go back to bed with you, Xia Wind Song.”

I laughed lightly. “Later, my love. Let me pour you something to drink.”

Grumbling under his breath, but with a twinkle in his eye, he sat himself at the table and I poured two cups of tea.

I glanced at the clock on the far side of the room and saw that we didn’t have much time before the Major’s return.

I pushed back the fear that rose up within me for there was much that could go wrong with what I was about to propose.

“Liam, would it be possible to leave at first light to go on that hunting trip that you suggested?”

He gave me a perplexed look. “I thought we were going to wait until after Tae Beun’s return?”

I nodded. “Yes, but it occurred to me that if you can tap into your true power, might it not make your father less apt to move against us? Or at least give us additional strength to fight him?”

I hesitated for a second or two and then plunged ahead. “From everything that I’ve heard about him, your father is a weak man. Weak men often back down when up against a show of strength and what better show of strength than to appear before him with a level of power he has never seen?”

Liam leaned back in his chair, considering my words. “What of finding a loophole within the law?”

I gestured at the wall that the books had previously been stacked against, explaining why I’d had them taken away. “You were right when you said the goddess cared not for human laws and from what I could tell, whoever wrote the laws wanted no chance of their absolute authority over slaves to change.

“But the reality we are facing is that Selene bonded you and I together. We Marked each other and consummated our bond. Your father cannot change that no matter how much he might try.”

I took Liam’s hand in both of mine as I continued. “Liam, loving you these past few days has reminded me of what it is to feel alive.”

My voice turned thick with the depth of my emotions. “It has made me realize that I can no longer live as a slave and that hiding away here in our home is just a different kind of slavery. While I have loved every moment that I’ve shared with you, it’s been marred by an undercurrent of fear; fear that we will be torn apart and fear that your father will execute me, fear that I will forever be a slave regardless of whether or not I wear a collar.”

Liam looked as if he wanted to speak, but I rushed on, forestalling him. “I know you would fight to prevent that, but would you fight the entire palace guard? I know that you have your personal guards, but it cannot compare to the numbers that Tae Beun has and any use of your personal guard would be interpreted as treason.”

Squeezing his hand so tightly that my knuckles were white, my voice became choked. “I would not see you cut down by your father’s hand. I would rather submit to the execution than to see your life and honor demolished in an instant. And you must go on to be king. The Zanskan people, especially the slaves, need you to fulfill your destiny.

“So let us go before him with a mage who can prove our Mark is valid and with you radiating power the likes the world has never known. Let us grasp our fates in our own two hands instead of waiting on others to decide what lies before us.”

In a voice so low and gruff and full of hurt that it made my heart break like glass cast down on rocks, he said, “You would rather risk death than to stay here with me?” The air around us began to ripple as Liam’s power flared out.

“No!” I cried out. “Liam, that’s not what I want, but I’ve been waiting for death ever since you came to me that night in the infirmary.” I thumped a hand down on the table. “No, that’s not true. I’ve been waiting for death since a group of raiders came into my village and destroyed everything I loved. I don’t want to die, but if I am destined to, then at least I want to die as a free woman and on my terms.”

His eyes were so cold, so dark and damning, I could see my words were in vain. All he had heard was that I would rather die than to stay with him.

I reached out a hand to caress his cheek, but he jerked his head back out of reach. I searched his eyes with mine, seeking some kind of understanding. When I found none, I rose and went to the far side of the table. I knelt down and rested my hands on the floor, bringing my forehead all the way down to rest on the backs of my hands.

In a hoarse, choked whisper, I said, “I desire only one thing beyond staying by your side for the rest of my life. Like our wolves, I yearn to feel the sun upon my face, but I cannot as long as I remain in this gilded cage. Forgive me, my love.”

Stifling back a sob, I echoed what I’d said to him in the infirmary the first night we’d been together. “Forsake me, Liam. Send me to the executioner’s block. If I cannot stay by your side as a free woman, I would rather it be done quickly. I don’t have the strength to have everything I love taken from me a second time.”

Something broke within me at that moment and I began to weep.

Quick as lightning, he was on his knees in front of me, grabbing my arms in a vise-like grip and hauling me upward.

Looking up into his eyes, I was surprised to find abject misery on his face instead of anger.

His voice was gruff and choked with emotion. “Never kneel before me like that again, Xia Wind Song. It is not I who should forgive you. Your words scared me in a way that I’ve never known and I reacted poorly, stupidly.

“The thought of losing you…” He touched his forehead to mine and took a deep, shuddering breath. “I beg your forgiveness, Xia Wind Song. I am a fool and an idiot and-”

I cut off his words with a hard punch to his left eye. He fell back on his rear end with a look of stunned surprise.

“What in the blue hell was that!”

I flung myself on top of him, knocking him flat on his back. I began raining light slaps all over his shoulders and chests, punctuating the blows with hysterical words.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again! Don’t you ever, ever do that again or so help me, I’ll pummel the tar out of you!”

“You’re already pummeling the tar out of me! Stop! Xia Wind Song, stop!” He kept trying to grab my hands, but I was too quick for him. After a few more seconds of my outburst, he just grabbed me about the waist and flipped me over until I was on my back and he was laying on top of me, pinning me to the floor.

Although I could hardly draw a breath, I kept slapping at him as I cried hysterically. He seemed resigned to take it, no longer trying to stop me.

When the storm had passed, I flung my arms around his neck and hugged him to within an inch of his life, telling him over and over, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He croaked, his words barely understandable, “Wife… you’re… choking… me.”

In my hysteria, I had jammed my shoulder into his throat. I loosened my hold on him and pulled back toward the floor. “Oh, goddess above! Liam, I’m so sorry! Are you all right?”

His chest rumbled against me slightly. To my utter surprise, his eyes were crinkled with mirth and the rumbling sensation increased. I realized that he was trying to hold back laughter.

Sniffling in an entirely disgusting way, I just stared at him, unsure of what to do or how to respond.

Gazing at me affectionately, he brushed my hair away from my face with a gentle touch. “You feel everything so deeply, so savagely. You surprise and delight me constantly.”

Using my sleeve, I wiped at the tears on my face. “I had to stifle my emotions for six years. I guess they’re all leaking out now.”

And then Liam was raining kisses all over my face, kissing away my tears. “Forgive me, little one, forgive me. I’m so sorry, beloved.”

Liam rolled to his side and gathered me into his arms and I nestled my head against his shoulder.

He murmured against my hair, “I truly am sorry, wife. I…” He cleared his throat in an embarrassed way. “I, ah, I think I have abandonment issues. My mother, Tae Beun, my elder brother-”

I jerked back to look at him, clipping him in the chin as I did so. “Elder brother?”

Liam grimaced and rubbed his chin. “Ow.”

I winced. “I’m sorry.” I leant forward and gave him a gentle kiss on the chin and then another on his swollen eye, though it was nearly healed already from the power of his wolf. “And I’m sorry I hit you. It was like an avalanche of pain within me and-”

He ran his thumb over my lip, halting my words. “Hush, wife. You weren’t trying to do me harm, I know that. After everything you’ve been through, it’s a miracle you hadn’t snapped sooner. We can forgive each other, yes?”

Grateful for his understanding and compassion, I nodded and smiled. “Yes. But don’t sidetrack me. I didn’t even know that you had a brother. And how is it that you are the crown prince? Doesn’t that usually fall to the eldest?”

Liam grimaced. “I don’t talk about Vander often. I haven’t seen him in over ten years. He wanted to see the world beyond the citadel and left almost eleven years ago. When he didn’t return after six months, Tae Beun sent out several investigators. One of them returned a month later and reported that Vander had boarded a ship heading to the Isle of Felaine. The ship never arrived and it was presumed that it sank at sea during a storm, along with my brother and his cortege.”

Something in his tone caught my attention. “You don’t believe that he’s dead, do you?”

Liam glanced at me, a look that said I’d read him correctly. “I don’t know. I was only thirteen when it happened, but I always thought I’d have felt it if he’d died.” He tapped a spot over his heart. “We were close though he was five years older and I was convinced that I’d have just known, somehow. Now?” He gave a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Perhaps it was the hope of a youngling not wanting to have lost his only brother.”

“I’m so sorry, my love. That must have been terribly hard for you.”

Liam gave me a sad smile. “Not nearly as much as it must have been for you when…” His words trailed off into a moment of silence. Clearing his throat roughly, he said, “We both know what loss is.”

I placed a hand on his cheek. “We do, but at least we will face that together from now on.”

He took my hand from where it lay on his cheek and kissed my knuckles. “Yes, we’ll face it side by side, Xia Wind Song.”

Gazing into his moonlit eyes, my voice trembled as I told him, “Liam, I should have explained myself better. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I just…” I stopped for a moment as emotions welled up inside of me, forming a lump in my throat. “I want you to know that I would do anything to remain by your side, anything but that one thing. I can’t sacrifice my freedom. If I do, I will never be truly happy, I will never be the woman that you deserve. It will be a slow death for me. Can you find a way to understand that?”

He gazed back at me and brushed my tousled hair away from my face. “I do understand, beloved. You’re already the woman that I want, the woman that I need, Xia Wind Song. I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt to think that you might die rather than stay here with me, but I also understand how selfish that is. If you want to confront Tae Beun, I will stand by your side.

Liam’s expression turned grim as he added, “But know this - I will fight every person who tries to harm you. You asked earlier if I would fight the entire palace guard and the answer is yes, I would. I will not stand idly by if Tae Beun tries to harm you. I will defend you to my last breath if necessary.”

A thrill of fear went through me at his words and I couldn’t think of a way to respond, so I just rested my head on his chest once more and sent a prayer to Selene that it wouldn’t come to that.