Chapter 28

Jake pouted. His arms wrapped tightly around Ryder's waist as a strange urge to bite into her neck overwhelmed him. "Don't make fun of me. It was embarrassing."

Ryder chuckled twice, her shoulders shaking slightly. "I thought it was cute." The grip around her waist tightened even more. For a second, she stopped and put herself in Jake's shoes and sighed. It truly must have been too embarrassing for him. That was the first time they met in broad daylight with no hoodies or whatever to cover his face. It was the first time they met in such a close-range face to face and what happened? He was half naked looking like a kindergarten child's drawing. And he was spurting nonsense.

Ryder bit the inside of her cheek and her face flushed red. He has a good body…. However, she did not dare say that at loud. Instead, her lips pressed lightly against his cheek. "Let's go inside. It's too cold out here. You will catch a cold."

Jake nodded once and stood up from the ground. Even though the air and wind were cold enough to freeze his nose and ears off, he felt warm inside and didn't notice that his butt had gone numb from the coldness.

The two of them went inside and for once Ryder didn't turn off the light. Instead, she turned around and watched Jake stepping inside her room and slowly closing the window behind him. For some reason he looked as if it was the first time, he had entered the room, looking around in a daze, biting his lip. His eyes wandered around the place but wouldn't meet Ryder's gaze. Ryder found this cute. She took a few steps towards him until they were only one foot apart. Her hands cupped Jake's face as she stared at it with a small smile on her lips, acting as if she didn't notice his cheeks warming up.

Even though they were brothers, Jake and Aiden didn't look that much alike. First of all, Jake was taller, but Aiden was bulkier. This was most likely because Aiden trained a lot for his basketball matches… and to keep that strong, well-built body.… however, Jake was different. Even though his body was quite good, fine muscles and all, it was obvious that he didn't work out as much as Aiden.

The hair too… and the eyes…

The more Ryder looked at his face, studying every inch of it, the more she noticed that they were completely different. Her Jake was way more handsome.

His hair was a soft grayish brown, thick and had grown out of their original hairstyle. They were messy, probably because of the hood he had on. A few strands of hair fell over his eyes, the color of which was so vivid it was mesmerizing… a sweet turquoise color. His nose was high, his jawline sharp, his lips a vibrant dark pink that contrasted his pale skin.

The smile on Ryder's face widened as her hand pinched teasingly Jake's cheek. "You're handsome. Too handsome."

Jake didn't know how to respond to that. His eyes fell on Ryder for a brief second before looking away, only a soft "mm" coming from him.

"No wonder why Kim had a crush on you."

"Aren't…” Jake started to say then stopped. He chewed on his lip for a bit before continuing. "Aren't you disappointed that it's me?”

Ryder clicked her tongue, but didn't answer. She grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him to her bed. The two of them sat face to face. Jake's hand was still in Ryder's grasp and she started to rub the tiny mole on his thumb, her eyes never leaving his face. It was like she couldn't get enough of it. She was trying to embed the sight of him into her eyes, to put his face on her Midnight. It's not liked the reality was unacceptable. Not at all. It just felt a bit odd to be like this with the young man that always hid his face. A nice kind of odd.

"Not disappointed." Ryder said calmly. "I'm more worried about your situation at home." As she talked, her eyes fell on Jake's hand, but right then, as if he had touched fire, Jake withdrew his hand and hid it behind his back. Almost as if he was trying to hide something…

Ryder frowned and her eyes met his gaze.

"It's… it's fine." Jake muttered. His face had turned pale, making his skin look as white as the snow outside.

Even though she wanted to ignore such actions, an itch in her heart couldn't just let go of it. Suddenly there was a pit in her stomach, as she kind of guessed what was happening.

Ryder squirmed her body closer to Jake's. Their knees touched and her face was even closer as she leaned over. The heart in Jake's chest went wild. For a second, he forgot everything. All his focus was on the fiery cognac eyes and the pink lips that were coming closer to him. But then the gaze of the cognac eyes dropped on his arms and the soft pink lips frowned. Before he could realize what was happening, both of his hands were grabbed from behind his back and put on full display in front of Ryder's burning gaze.

Biting her lip, Ryder gently rolled up the sleeves of the hood Jake was wearing, having the sudden urge to sob.

"Jake…”

Both of his forearms were covered in wounds as if a cat had scratched a bloody mosaic on his soft skin. Such sight was unbearable. It hurt to see it and know how it must have hurt, to know in how much pain he must have been.

In those moments, Jake didn't know what to feel. Be ashamed and embarrassed? Or sad… or sacred that now that Ryder knew even more how messed up, he was she would leave him? He tried to pull his hands away from Ryder's grip once more, but the grip around his palm only tightened.

Jake felt rather unlucky today. Everything had been a mess and nothing went his way. This whole day he felt like being stripped of all his clothes that hid his secrets, wounds, insecurities and faults. Everything was out in the open for Ryder to see. It felt like constantly being pushed towards the edge of a cliff and just one word from Ryder would be enough for him to fall off it. This was the fourth time he felt like this today. The first time was when he ran into Ryder half naked and realized that she most likely recognized him. Then it was when Aiden "accidentally" blurted out how he took drugs, making it sound as if he was addicted to it. Then it was back in the garden when he thought that Ryder would drive him away. And now… this fourth time… Jake wasn't sure anymore how much of him could Ryder tolerate. Yet his worries froze in his heart and trembled as the warm lips of her touched his wrist softly.

"I'm… I'm sorry." Jake muttered, his voice trembling. He didn't know what he was apologizing for. That he was such a mess? That he was such a disappointment? That Ryder deserved better than him? There were so many to choose from.

"You don't have to apologize for anything." Ryder said and kissed the other wrist. It was done so softly out of worry that she might hurt him.

"I… I tend to scratch them when I am too overwhelmed… I couldn't stop myself…”

Ryder rose her hand and wiped away the tears that had just escaped from his eyes. The turquoise color looked like deep pool hiding an ocean of emotions, so full of them that couldn't bear it and leak.

"Don't cry. It's okay." Her hand cupped his cheek and stroked it.

But Jake wasn't calming down. He kept ranting and ranting to such extent that the sentences didn't make any sense. It was like he was saying whatever came to his mind, excuses and explanations, everything blurted out the moment it crossed his mind.

"I don't want to. I just can't stop… It hurts but I still… I wanted to sleep and don't have nightmares… I didn't want to see her die again and again in front of me. I'm not addicted, Ry. I swear."

The more he talked the more tears rolled down his eyes. Ryder pulled him in her arms, hugging with all her strength the young man. One of her hands reached out to the back of his head, stroking his hair in a soothing motion. "It's okay. Shah. Don't cry."

This went on for a while. Ryder let him cry as much as he wanted, never letting go of him. She patiently waited for him to calm down, however before any of them could realize it, both of them had fallen asleep on the bed. Jake's arms were wrapped around Ryder's waist, his face resting on her shoulder. His body was half lying on top of her while her arms were around him, one hand resting on his back and the other still on his hair.

Jake was the first to wake up. His eyes opened halfway as he stared in confusion in front of him. He felt tired both physically and emotionally, which was a pretty familiar state to him. It's not like it was the first time he woke up feeling like this. It would be like this every time he cried himself to sleep because of one of his episodes. However, this was the first time, despite the tiredness, he felt rather calm and warm. He was still trying to fully wake himself up to understand why this time things were different, when something on his head moved.

In a daze he realized it was a hand stroking his hair. Jake looked up to meet the owner of the hand only to see two cognac eyes looking at him sleepily.

"Morning." Ryder muttered. The hand that was resting on Jake's back lifted and reached out for her phone. It was four in the morning and it was still dark outside, but the light on the room was left on.

Jake was convinced he was dreaming. How else could he be in such situation if it wasn't a dream? However, the warmth of this hold, the hand that returned on top of his head stroking his hair once again… the rising and falling of Ryder's chest and her calm heartbeat… they were all so real, telling him it wasn't a dream.

"Ry…”

"Mm?” Ryder answered with her eyes closed. The arms around her waist tightened when Jake heard the response. A soft chuckle slipped from her lips. "Are you feeling better?”

Jake nodded. After crying all his heart out, he felt like his tears had washed everything away, leaving behind only the warmth of the girl in his arms, the sound of her breathing and heartbeat…

"Good." Ryder smiled and kissed the top of his head.

As the kiss landed on his hair, Jake realized that Ryder had kissed him twice on the lips yesterday. He had been so immersed in his worries and fear, in that rollercoaster of emotions, that he let such important thing slide.

Closing his eyes, Jake hesitantly asked. "Ry."

"Mm."

"Did you tell me… that you like me?”

In just one second all the sleepiness vanished, and now Ryder was fully awake. Awake and blushing. Yet she still tried to remain calm, her eyes closed as if the fast heartbeat wasn't betraying her at all. "I did."

If it wasn't for the fact that Jake could hear her heart beating faster, he would have thought she was either sleepily admitting it or she just was that cool about her feelings. The corner of his lips lifted and an unexplainable joy warmed his body from inside, spreading from his fast-beating heart to every inch of his being.

"I like you too."

Ryder smiled. "Mihm. I know."

"Can I be your boyfriend then? I promise I will be good and will never hurt you."

Ryder chuckled. "Are you sure you want to? You heard my dad. You will have to duel him."

"It's okay. I have already ordered a sword online."

This time Ryder laughed, her closed eyes curving with the warm and sweet feeling she was feeling. "So, you planned on becoming my boyfriend since back then?”

Jake nodded again. "I planned on telling you everything myself. But then everything went out of hand…”

"It's okay."

Jake raised his eyes to see Ryder and both their gazes met. "Can I be your boyfriend?” He asked again.

A smile spread on Ryder's face as she nodded. "You can."

Jake chewed his lip for a second. His cheeks flushed a dim red color but his eyes didn't leave Ryder's. "Then… can I kiss you?”

Compared to Jake, Ryder blushed bright red when hearing such question.

How can I say no when you ask in such way? Ah? Lethal. Too lethal. Unacceptable. Such face and voice should be illegal.

Despite her thoughts, she shyly shook her head. "You can't."

The smile on Jake's face fell. His heart that was filled with joy suddenly sank. "Why?”

Ryder felt she was about to explode from the heat she felt on her face. "I… I haven't brushed my teeth."

Jake froze and stared at Ryder blankly. It was obvious that he was trying to process what he just heard. He got turned down… because of a morning breath? With those eyes staring at her in such way, Ryder couldn't bear it anymore. She pushed Jake away and got up from the bed. All her movements were made so she could distract herself from this situation and hide her blushing face from Jake. But it was all in vain. What's worse, she was quite regretful. Why does such thing as morning breath exist?

"Your father is probably worried. You didn't go home last night." Ryder tried to change the topic.

Only then did Jake sigh. He sat up on the bed and bit his lip, thinking. Yesterday he had locked himself in the room, refusing to let anyone come close. When Jeremy came back from driving Ryder home he ran out of the house. In those moments he wanted to be alone. To be in silence and think of what to do. If he stayed home both Jeremy and his father and most likely, his psychologist, Natalie as well, would rush in his room trying to comfort him, to calm him down. He didn't want to calm down. He just… he just needed to be alone.

However, even though he was already twenty years old, given his current condition, his father worried about him all the time even though he didn't show it… or showed it in quite odd ways. After running away like that yesterday in such a pitiful condition, his father and Jeremy were probably dying from worry.

Sure enough, when Jake pulled his phone from his pocket and checked it, there were several messages and missed calls. Jake sighed again seeing this. He should hurry back home…

"Why… why do they say you're mentally ill?” Ryder asked hesitatingly. What if Jake started crying again? She couldn't bear it. But she was also curious. No matter how she looked at it, Jake seemed pretty normal to her. Why would people make it sound as if he was crazy?

“I was diagnosed with clinical depression two years ago… and I have insomnia…” Jake responded calmly, but that didn't ease at all the stab in Ryder's heart. Jake noticed this and smiled. "It's okay. I'm taking medicine and going to therapy. It's not that bad right now."

"End." Ryder nodded, but she still didn't feel any better.

Seeing her worry about him, Jake felt warm in his heart. He walked to her and pulled her small body in his arms. "I'm okay. Don't worry."

He wasn't lying. Even though his condition hadn't been good ever since his mother died, it had improved a lot ever since he started meeting Ryder. Before that he couldn't fall asleep for days. Sometimes he would go through a whole week without sleeping. Every time he closed his eyes memories from two years ago would surface and suffocate him. The death of his mother had left a great impact on him because he was the one to find her dead body in her bedroom. Mrs. Caley had died in her sleep. She had had a concussion earlier in the day, but didn't pay too much attention to it and went on with her daily routine. Then when she went to take a nap, she never woke up again.

Knowing this, Jake was terrified to sleep. Scared that he would see his mother's dead body on her bed, scared that he wouldn't open his eyes again after he fell asleep, just like her… but not sleeping for long periods of time greatly affected his health. The medicine subscribed to him didn't work, only making him feel entrapped in his sleep unable to wake up, making things worse. In the end he found the solution in drugs. Only then could he have a dreamless sleep and because he would be out of his mind when taking them, he wouldn't even notice when he had fallen asleep. Even so Jake didn't dare use such methods often. He would only do so when his body couldn't go any more without sleep.

Jeremy and his father, both turned an eye blind to this since at least he could finally have a few hours of sleep. But once Aiden found out, the already hostile attitude towards him turned for worse. He would always mock him on his face or mock him in front of other people. Still Jake ignored this most of the time. After all he had no energy to waste on dealing with such things.

This wasn't the case with Jeremy. The young man would explode every time Aiden opened his mouth to slander Jake.

Things got better when Jake met Ryder… again. He knew her since he was in high school, but didn't see her anymore after he dropped out. When fate brought his haggard self to her, he couldn't help but feel as if maybe it wasn't a coincidence that the night of his mother's death anniversary when he was at rock-bottom, he ended up in his high-school crush' house. Maybe it was meant to happen. He was brought back to the time when nothing bad had happened and his days were peaceful and cheerful. When he would think of the girl, he had a crush on, would paint and draw all the time, would scribble in his notebooks… when his heart beat a second faster whenever he saw her…

That's what happened back then. His heart beat faster again. It was like a feeling that had been dead for two years finally reawakened and it pulled him up from rock-bottom. After that he couldn't help but want to see Ryder every night just so his heart could beat a bit faster, so he could smile and blush… to be his old self once more.