Chapter 40 I Want Daddy
Lara's pov
I woke up and had no idea where I was for a second. Then I remembered. Hotel. I left Damien. God.”
Oh God.
I looked back and I noticed Ethan was still sleeping. My baby doesn't even know anything yet. I don't want him to pass through all these.
He didn’t deserve anything like this.
I've not even changed my clothes yet. I didn't even have the strength to do so. I just collapsed into the chair beside Ethan's bed.
My body was just paining me. My back hurts, my neck did that as well and my eyes was just swollen from crying.
But honestly, that didn't matter most compared to the disappointment and the ache in my chest.
I actually left Damien after we've spent seven years together. He was a good man and really cared for me. But why would he lie to me?
I pulled out my phone, I haven't on it since I off it last night. I didn't even want to on it. I was interested in any call or messages for now.
But I would still on it actually. Maybe not now, but definitely.
I got up. My legs were stiff. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked so terrible. My hair was a mess and my face just puffed.
I washed my face just for me to atleast look normal.
But is it even possible to look normal when your life is falling apart?
As I entered the room back from the bathroom. I noticed Ethan was sitting on the bed and started scanning through the room. I knew he was confused. This was not the home he had lived.
"Mummy? Where is this place? How do we get here?”
" My baby, We're at a hotel”.
"Why mommy?"
I sat down beside him on the edge of the bed. I was trying to find a good word to day.
"We only needed a place to stay for a little while."
"Why can't we stay at home?"
"Because..."God. How do you explain to this boy that… We came here to settle some things okay? And we would be here for some time now.
His eyes got big. He was scared of what I said. “Why mom? Do I offend you?”
"No, sweetheart. No. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just stuffed between Dad and mom. We need to figure things out.
Ethan's lip started trembling.
"Hope you aren't getting divorce?, you know you told me that you and Daddy Lucas divorced as well”.
Oh God. He remembered that. Children's are so smart. I didn't even remembered when I told him that or maybe he overheard Damien and I.
"I don't know yet, my darling."
"I don't want you to get divorced." He was crying now. "I don't want Daddy to leave!"
Oh God. What's all this. I don't want this at all.I pulled him into my arms.
"Daddy's not leaving. He loves you so much okay.So he's not living.”
Then let's go home mommy, I need to see Daddy.
“You can't see dad for now okay? Because mommy needs some time to think about everything”.
He pulled back and looked at my face."Do you still love Daddy?"
Do I have answer to that now? I'm not sure I did.
Did I?
I thought I did. But now I didn't know what was real.Honestly, “I don't know yet,” I said. But I believe everything will be resolved.
"That means no."
I didn't say no, I said everything will be resolved so i don't know yet.
My baby bursted into cry. “I want daddy, take me to daddy, mummy….
Oh.. I felt so emotional, this boy made me cry as well, I thought I was strong, but honestly I lied. I cried but eventually cleaned the strap of tears off my face.
I hugged him tightly, I was disheartened, i broke my son's heart as well. And I didn't even know how to fix it.
“Baby, let's go and eat okay? we will be fine alright?”
We went down to the hotel restaurant.
There were other families eating. Parents and kids. Everyone looking happy and normal.
And here we were. Me and Ethan. Looking like we'd been through hell.
Because we had.
"What do you want to eat, baby?" I said.
“I'm not hungry”, he said. I want to go home
Ethan please, let's leave this aside for now,we will discuss about it later. But now, you ghat to eat.
He pointed at pancakes on the menu. I ordered them for him. Ordered eggs for myself even though I wasn't hungry either.
When they brought the food, Ethan didn't want to eat it, I pet him before he finally did.
People at the next table were looking at us. I could feel their eyes.
Single mom with crying kid at expensive hotel. Probably thinking I was a terrible mother.
“But mummy, promise me that you would call Dad after I finish this.”
I promise I will. He was happy to hear that. He started rushing his cake now. I forced myself to eat half of the eggs I bought.
But it just tasted like nothing.
We went back to the room, I knew I promised him that I was going to call him so I needed to fulfill my promise.
I picked up my phone and turned it on. It took forever to power up. Or maybe it just felt like forever.
Then I started receiving different notifications .Forty seven missed calls. All from Damien.So many texts. Seventeen voicemails.
Also calls from Margaret, my lawyer and also from my assistant at work. But Damien took ninety percentage of the missed calls.
His text messages goes thus:
Please just let me know you're safe.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Can I at least talk to Ethan? He must be scared.
I love you. Please come home.
I'll give you space but please don't shut me out completely.
It's 3am and I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about you. About what I've done.
Please. Just one word. Let me know you're okay.
On and on. All night. Every hour.
I should have just got vexed for the messages. But honestly I just felt sad.
Because I could hear the pain in his words.
And some part of me still cared about that pain. But why won't I? I really do love Damien.
I listened to one of the voicemail he sent. His voice was so broken.
"Lara. Please. I know you're angry. You have every right to be. But please just call me back. Let me know you and Ethan are safe. That's all I'm asking. I can't... I can't function not knowing if you're okay. Please."
He was bitterly crying now. I was so disheartened, I couldn't take it anylonger so I had to delete the rest of the messages without listening.
Then my phone rang. Margaret.
I answered.
"Hello?"
"Lara. Thank God. Are you okay?"
"How did you know?"
"Damien called my office this morning. He said he has been looking for you. He's... he's not doing well at all."
"That's not my problem."
"You sound so hurt now, Is everything okay?.Are you safe?"
"Yes. We're at a hotel."
“Which hotel is that? And also do you want to talk about your options now?”
“I want to keep it confidential for now, I will let you know that later. But I want Legal Options. Separation. Divorce and Custody arrangements.”
Did I just say divorce? How did it even fell from my mouth? “I will still have to think about it again.” I said .
Better. “You need to think about this very well, you know there's a child involved.”
“Damien's not Ethan's biological father. He only raised him for seven years.
"He lied to me."
About what exactly?
"I'll call you back, Margaret. I need time."
I hung up and sat on the bathroom floor, thinking of any plan at all. But I didn't have one. I didn't know what to do. But I knew I wasn't going to go back.
Maybe not ever.
It was around two in the afternoon, when Ethan came to find me.
"Mommy? You said I could call Daddy."
Yeah. I said it. Let me call him now.
I pulled out my phone and found Damien's number.My finger hovered over it.
Did I really want to do this?
But Ethan was looking at me with those big hopeful eyes.
The phone rang and Damien picked up the call before the phone could rang.
"Lara?"
Ethan wants to talk to you. Let me give him the phone.
I put it on speaker and handed the phone to Ethan.
"Hi Daddy!"
"Ethan. Buddy. Oh God, I missed you so much."
Damien's voice was breaking. He was weeping again.
"I miss you too, Daddy. When are you coming to get us?"
Hmmm….I will come and see you soon okay.
Ethan started crying. " Daddy, hope you aren't lieing?
Hmmmmm, mommy will have to decide because I do not know where you are.
"Lara?" Damien's voice again. "Can I please talk to you? Just for a minute?"
I took the phone back and ended the call.
"Mommy! I wasn't done talking to dad!"
"Yes, you were."
"But I want to talk to Daddy more!"
“Oh boy, you will have to talk to him some other time okay?”
""I hate you!"
I flinched. Like he'd slapped me.
"Ethan—"
" I just want to see Daddy. He didn't do anything wrong!" Ethan was yelling now. Crying. "You're being mean! You're the bad one!"
He ran to the bed and started crying.
I felt sad honestly.Because I took him away from the only father he'd ever known.
Even if that father lied to me.Even if nothing was real.
To Ethan, Damien was everything.
And I was the villain.
He cried for some time before he eventually fell asleep.
What was I doing?
Was I being selfish? Putting Ethan through this because I was hurt?
Or was I protecting myself? Setting boundaries? Taking care of my own pain for once?
I didn't know anymore.
The sun was setting. Orange light coming through the window.
I thought about everything.
About Damien's lies. About my father's manipulation. About Lucas's betrayal.
I don't understand why I always met people that always betrayed me. Lucas did the same and the man I thought was real was lying to me for years.
I thought about Ethan, I was really hurting him. The boy wanted his father
,and I was keeping them apart.
Maybe not forever but until I figured things out.But how long will it take me?
God, I didn't know.
I pulled out my phone and stared at it for a long time before I finally texted Damien.
You can see Ethan. Tomorrow. Around 2pm at the park near the house. It's just hour. I'll be there the whole time. Don't try to talk to me. This is for Ethan, not us.
He responded immediately.
Thank you. I'll be there. Can we please talk? Even for five minutes?
No. I'm not ready.
Okay. I understand. Thank you for letting me see him. I love you both.
I didn't respond , I just turned off my phone again.Tomorrow. I'd have to see him tomorrow and tomorrow we decide if I will have to talk to him.
I didn't know if I was ready.
But I didn't have a choice.
For Ethan's sake, I had to try.
I couldn't sleep throughout the night, I just lay in bed and counting ceilings and thiinking about tomorrow.
About seeing Damien.About how it would feel.
Would I want to run to him? Or run away?
Would I still love him when I saw him?
Or would I just feel angry?
I didn't know.
I thought about all the good times we've had. The moments that felt real.
When he held me after nightmares. When he made Ethan laugh. When he looked at me like I was everything.
Were any of those moments real?
Or was he just acting up?and playing the role he was paid for?
How do you tell the difference between love and performance?
Between truth and lies?
I didn't have answers.
Just questions that kept me awake all night.
”
The next morning, Ethan was so excited that he was going to see Dad today…
“Mom, can we go home with dad today? “He said.
No my darling. I said.He looked sad again. But at least he'd get to see Damien.
That was something he was happy about.We got ready and drove to the park.
We actually got there so early and honestly I was so nervous to see him. I didn't know how I was going to act once I set my eyes on him. My hands started shaking.
We sat on a bench near the playground and waited for him too come.
Then he came at exactly 2pm. I saw his car coming and pulling into the parking lot.
My heart started beating so heaving. He got out of the car and from his look, he really looked so terrible, he was still wearing the same clothes he wore the night we left the house.
But immediately he saw Ethan, his whole face changed.
Lit up like the sun.
Ethan jumped off the bench immediately he set his eyes on Damien and ran to him. Damien caught him and picked him up. He hugged him so tight.
Tears filled both of their eyes. I watched them from the bench where I was sitting. I saw real love between them.
Damien was Ethan's father. Maybe not by blood. But in every other way.
That didn't make his lies hurt less.
But it was true.
Damien looked at me over Ethan's head.
Our eyes met.
I saw everything in that look. The pain. The love. The regret. The hope.
He mouthed something. "Thank you."
I looked away, couldn't hold his gaze.
Because I didn't know what I felt anymore.
Love? Anger? Both?
I just knew I couldn't trust that look or trust anything I saw in his eyes.
Because what if it was all fake?
What if it had always been fake?
Damien carried Ethan to the swings. And started pushing him.They were playing and laughing together.
"Look Mommy! Look how high I'm going!"
I waved and forced to smile at him.
Damien kept glancing at me. Like he wanted to come over and talk.
But I already told him no. So he respected that. Maybe for now.
I just sat there. Watching them.
My family.
Or what was left of it.
Wondering if we could ever be whole again.
Or if the lies had broken us forever.
Ethan was laughing so well now and everyone was looking at the small happy boy. I should be happy the way he laughed.
But truth be told, I was sad.Because I didn't know if I'd ever hear that sound at home again.
Didn't know if we'd ever be a family again.
Didn't know if anything could be fixed.
Or if some things, once bro
ken, stay broken forever.
Damien caught my eye again. Held it for a moment.
I saw everything in that look. The love. The regret. The desperate hope.
I looked away first.Because I didn't know if I could ever trust that look again.
Didn't know if anything I'd ever seen in his eyes was real.
Or if it had all been part of the show. I mean,The role he'd been paid to play.
The husband he'd been hired to be.