Thirteen

As soon as Lani walked in and began chatting Alice up, Erik charged out of the living room, grabbed his mother by the upper arm, and pulled her into the kitchen. His face was dead serious, and for a moment I was nervous about how he was going to handle this. Of course I wanted his ex to be escorted out as fast as possible, but I also wanted to know why she was even there in the first place. I followed Erik, lingering by the archway of the kitchen so I could hear them, but remain unseen.

“Start explaining, Mom. Start explaining fast, because I can’t for a moment comprehend why the hell you would have invited her here.”

“Honey, I know. Mrs. Groves called me and asked if we could have Alice over. She was just hoping to see you and make amends.”

“Make amends? Mom! You can’t just make amends for what she did. Can she please leave? This is so unfair to Brit. You didn’t even tell me. Maybe if I had been warned—”

“Erik, I know. But, if I had told you, you never would have allowed it.”

“Of course I wouldn’t have allowed it! This is sick!”

“Erik, I know this all seems very unorthodox, but please, just give her a chance. People change.”

Give her a chance? Did she want him back together with her? The stinging sensation of tears threatened, and I started to panic. I couldn’t cry in front of Alice, but I don’t know how I could stay here either. This was all very confusing.

“Mom, she needs to leave. Now. This is not cool.”

“She can’t. I promised her mother.”

“I don’t care about her mother. I promised Brit a good Christmas, this is not how I planned on spending it.”

“Erik.” Her voice was shaking again. “It’s just one night. Brit will understand, please, I have my reasons.”

I watched Erik twitch his lips. I didn’t think he’d back down, but then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment and said, “Fine, I’ll put up with this charade for one night, but you owe Brit a serious apology. This is bullshit!”

“Erik! Watch your tongue.”

“No, Mom. This is so unfair. You know how excited I was to have Brit here for Christmas, and you just ruined it.”

“Erik, I never intended to—” But Erik just waved his hand and walked away. Mrs. Draxton leaned forward and grabbed his arm.

“Now you listen to me; I said I have my reasons. You know what that girl has been through. You can be civil for one night. That’s all I’m asking of you. One night and it all goes away.”

“One night,” Erik said through gritted teeth, then shrugged her off and walked toward my direction. I jumped back into the shadows, to get out of his way. His eyes were filled with rage. He walked right passed me, taking deep breaths and stuffing his hands into his pockets. I guess my hiding spot was that good, he never noticed me. I felt flushed, and my veins were twitching with anxiety. I peeked into the kitchen and saw Mrs. Draxton was crying. I didn’t know if I should approach her, but I didn’t exactly want to hang out with Alice yet, either.

Taking a breath, I walked over to the counter and grabbed a napkin. Handing it to her, I said, “Angry Erik is never fun.”

Mrs. Draxton looked up at me, her eyes wet with tears. She accepted the napkin and thanked me. “It’s not what you think, Brit. I know what it looks like. Sometimes we just do things for others. Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?”

All I could do was nod. Hadn’t she taken me in this week when I had no place to go? I had to believe that this woman was not trying to sabotage my relationship with her son, but still, tonight would not be easy. I sort of wish Drama Queen was here. I could use acting lessons, stat.

To say it was awkward having Alice at the dinner table was a vast understatement. Erik, being a gentleman, had masked his anger with a smile, trying to make the best of an extremely uncomfortable situation. To make matters worse, he was placed smack in between us. Lani was opposite me, and every time Alice laughed, Lani would tap my knee with the toe of her pumps. Laura was on her second glass of wine and shooting Alice with daggers from her eyes. Mrs. Draxton tried her best to keep the conversation flowing, and Mr. Draxton smiled at me every five minutes as though he could somehow release some of the tension by overpowering the room with his grin. I’m pretty sure his cheeks were starting to hurt.

Alice was going on about how her dream was to join the Peace Corp, and Mrs. Draxton was encouraging her saying she could do anything she set her mind to. Barf! Erik reached for my hand, but I pulled away and took a drink of water. I didn’t understand this girl. She was quiet and giggly. Her clothing was classic Gap and every time she looked at Erik, it wounded me. Because it was obvious she still cared for him. Deeply. Why was she here?

We had tip-toed around the conversation of our past relationships. I didn’t have much to write home about, so Erik sort of held back the details of his. I knew he had one long relationship, and now here I was having dinner with her on Christmas Eve.

I tried to play devil’s advocate, like he would have. Erik had to hang out with me and Jaime all the time, knowing how I had loved him and how we had shared a few kisses. But there was a big difference between a kiss and sleeping with someone. And seeing him next to her, it wasn’t hard to picture them together. I hated that. I could imagine him putting her on his shoulders and Alice being all giggles and grace, not the screaming giraffe I was an hour ago. I sighed and looked longingly at Laura’s wine. I needed to take the edge off.

Erik, needing his own way to blow off steam, had taken his dad up on his original offer and was now on his second beer. His body language was much more relaxed now, and he was even laughing naturally, not forcing it the way I was. I was starting to resent him, and I knew if this madness didn’t end soon, it would end in an explosion of emotion. I took deep breaths and moved my food around my plate, trying to become invisible as I sat through the dysfunction.

I had hoped Alice would have left after dinner. But she stayed for dessert, too. Ugh. Didn’t she have a family to spend Christmas Eve with? Then I realized I was pretty much the pot calling the kettle black, and I needed to simmer down.

“Erik, have you thought at all about what you will do after graduation?” Alice asked, blowing delicately over the tea in her china cup. Why was everyone asking him that? I just found him, and everyone wanted to rip him away from me and throw him into the real world. They all sucked.

“Still thinking about illustration.”

“I’m glad. You always were so talented. I still have the drawing you did of me.”

What’s that? Nothing, just my heart exploding.

“I remember that! It was for his senior project in high school. He had you model. Erik spent so many hours on that drawing, he wanted it perfect,” Mrs. Draxton said as she sliced up some fruit cake.

“And I got an A, so I guess that hard work paid off.” I really hoped Erik had Bailey’s in his coffee and wasn’t actually so stupid to speak this callously in front of me. I mean there was faking it and then there was encouraging it. Someone save me.

“It was the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me,” Alice said then took a drink from her tea.

Excuse me, am I in hell? It certainly was hot in here.

Alice turned to me, suddenly remembering I was here. “I’m sure he must draw you all the time, especially if he wants to pursue illustration.” She smiled sweetly as she stuck her invisible blade into my heart and gave it a nice slow twist. Thanks, I was hoping you would find a way to make me feel worse.

“Actually, no, he doesn’t.” My words were spoken through gritted teeth.

Look at me, I’m a fucking ventriloquist.

“Well that’s not true,” Erik chimed in. “I drew you once.”

“You drew me as the Cheshire cat and scrawled your phone number at the bottom.”

His cheeks turned pink and he reached for his coffee.

“Real slick, bro,” Lani said, shaking her head in disappointment.

“It actually was sweet at the time,” I said, turning to Lani. Erik perked up and I felt that stab of pain again. “But now that I know that’s just a thing he does for all his girls, suddenly it lost some of its charm.” I was pretty much spewing venom. Maybe it was good that I wasn’t drinking any wine. I’d never been this nasty to Erik, especially in front of his family, but then again, I’d never felt this hurt.

“I think I should get going.” Alice stood. That’s right bitch, cause the avalanche then jump in a helicopter to safety.

“Alice, you don’t have to leave,” Erik said and that tear in my heart that she had caused just got a bit deeper. Didn’t he want her to leave just a few hours ago?

“No, it’s getting late, and I promised my mother I would go with her to midnight mass.” She cleared her plate and walked toward the kitchen, but Mrs. Draxton stopped her.

“I’ve got that, dear. Do you need a ride home? Perhaps Erik can drive you?” Mrs. Draxton looked hopefully at her son.

Sure. Take my boyfriend for a little late-night drive to look at the stars… Maybe he’ll paint you naked under the fucking moonlight.

“Mom, I’ve been drinking. I shouldn’t drive,” Erik said and I was relieved he still had some of his sanity left.

“Oh, right. I forgot,” Mrs. Draxton said, rubbing her hands nervously. And that’s when it hit me. Despite what she had said to me in the kitchen earlier, Mrs. Draxton had invited Alice over. She had sat her next to Erik, and now she was trying to get them alone. She must have been too nice to tell Erik what she really thought about me. But it was clear now, I wasn’t for him. This girl was. Little Miss Peace Corp. I think I was in shock, which was a good thing. You can’t really cry when you’re in shock.

Alice stood on her tippy toes and glanced at the window. “Actually, I think that’s my dad.” From the dining room, I could see there was a glow of headlights illuminating the window in the front door as a car pulled into the driveway. Alice said her goodbyes to everyone, barely looking at me as she waved, and Erik shoved his hands deep in his pockets and walked her to the front door. I tried not to stare, but I wanted to see how they would part ways. And when they got to the door, my heart officially tore completely in half.

They were standing under the mistletoe.

As Erik turned the knob and opened the door, I saw Alice look above their heads. There was no way he would kiss her. That’s not even a remote possibility, but then I saw him lean in. It was like when your life flashes before your eyes. Everything slowed down to a crawl, and I couldn’t hear anything but the beating of my own heart. Erik was inches from her now. Alice’s eyes looked heavy as she submitted to him. He leaned in closer, and his kiss landed briefly upon her cheek.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. That was too close.

“Good seeing you again, Alice,” he said and there was definite sadness in his voice. Was it because she was leaving or because he knew I was shattered?

He waved to the car outside, and as she stepped away, I watched her turn and give one last look at the one who got away.

“Good night, Erik. Hopefully we can see each other again… soon.”

He nodded. “Sounds good.” Erik smiled as she officially exited the Draxton house.

There was a hand on my shoulder. I looked behind me to see Lani. She seemed very concerned. I knew she was a social worker, and I probably looked like I was suffering from PTSD.

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, her eyes sympathetic to my cause.

“Yeah, I’m great.” I forced a smile. It hurt my cheeks.

“You sure? Because you bent the fork in half.”

I dropped my gaze down and saw the fancy cutlery was now my new twisted sculpture. “Fuck!” I said and tried to bend it back before Mrs. Draxton saw. Lani reached over and gently took it out of my hand.

“Don’t worry about this. Maybe you need some air? I know you just had a pretty awkward few hours.”

“Yeah, air sounds good.” I walked straight past Erik, grabbing my jacket off the hook in the hallway.

He caught my wrist, rubbing my tattoo with his thumb. “Hey, where are you going, Monster High?” He tried to sound chipper, like the past four hours never happened. Is that what he really wanted to do? Play pretend?

“She has to go to midnight mass. I guess I should go prepare the altar for my satanic ritual.” I stepped outside, fully aware that he followed me. So much for personal space. The snow was just starting to fall. Huh, Audrey was right about another thing, looks like it was going to be a white Christmas after all.

“Brit, you know I was just as surprised to see her tonight as you were. Why are you mad at me?”

I ignored him and fired my first shot. “Did you sleep with her?”

“Huh?” Obviously that’s not what he expected. I didn’t feel like darting around the subject. I already knew the answer, I just had to hear it from him. Apparently, I was a bit of a masochist tonight. Must be all that holiday cheer washing off. I knew it wouldn’t last long. I had never had a decent Christmas, why stop tradition now?

“You heard me. Is that who you lost your virginity to?”

“Geez, Brit.” Erik sighed and put his hands on his hips, shaking his head. “We were seventeen.” He spoke softer. “You’re going to condemn me for giving into my hormones four years ago? Don’t you remember how you were at seventeen?” Once he said the words, I could tell by his nervous expression that he instantly regretted them.

“Of course I remember being seventeen. For me, it was last year.” My voice trembled. Now not only did I lack his years of experience, but I flat out felt like a child.

“Baby!” He took a step toward me. “What do you want me to do?”

What did I want? I wanted him to erase his past. I wanted to be greedy and selfish and go back to that little bubble where I didn’t know who he had ever been with. Not knowing allowed me to create a false reality that his exes never existed. I realized then how badly I had wanted to be his first—his only. Just like he was the only one for me.

“Just get away from me.”

“No, I’m not going anywhere.”

That’s it. Shit hit the fan and every insecurity I had came crawling out like roaches in a hoarder house. “You just don’t get it! I grew up in a place where I’m afraid to ask my mother how her day was because she just might unleash a bomb of crazy at any given moment. I don’t know what home cooked meals are like or siblings that tease you. I mean, your family plays Pictionary together… Pictionary, Erik! You all have this dynamic, this perfectly beautiful dynamic, it’s a masterpiece… and I’m like graffiti on that masterpiece. An eyesore.”

“Brit, I have no idea where this is coming from. I thought you were mad about Alice.”

“That’s the thing.” I laughed nervously like a total psycho. “You don’t know. Because you’re so fucking nice you have no clue.”

He stared at me. Stoic. Fuck. It was all coming out wrong. I didn’t know how to explain it to him. I was angry at his mother for putting us in this situation, and I was angry at him for acting civil toward Alice at dinner. The parts that I loved so much about him, his goodness, his charm, just became what I detested. A few hours ago, he seemed to be on my side; it’s like he forgot the moment he sat next to her. Did I imagine it? I couldn’t be sure. I was too upset.

I was just as nuts as Audrey, maybe worse. I was becoming Audrey 2.0, the younger, crazier model.

“Brit…” He moved toward me, and like a feral cat, I backed away.

“All I know is broken. I’m good with broken. That’s why Jaime is the other half of a puzzle piece to me. We get each other in ways you could never understand.”

Erik’s hurt was evident in the way his face instantly masked in pain. “I thought my days of competing with Jaime were over.”

I should have told him he had nothing to fear, that I loved him with every fiber of my being and that’s why it hurt so much to see Alice sitting near him. I should have thrown my arms around him and apologized, told Erik that it wasn’t him, it was my own insecurities from hearing for years that I just wasn’t good enough. That Jaime and I were friends and that was all, but I didn’t. I said none of those things that would have made everything okay.

“I’m going to bed.” I walked up to the door and reached for the knob.

“Brittany,” he whispered my name, soft, like a prayer. My full name. Erik never called me Brittany unless he was teasing me or perfectly serious. There was no in between. I turned to face him, afraid to see how he would look at me. “It’s Christmas Eve… almost midnight. The snow is falling. Let’s throw a log on the fire, get under a blanket, and see if we can hear Santa’s sleigh.” He gave me a soft smile, and his offer was so damn tempting. But all it did was put a Band-Aid over the problem. I was bleeding too much at this point.

I didn’t need a Band-Aid, I needed fucking sutures.

“Maybe you should ask Alice, instead.” It was cold, I know, but if he had been playing a part at dinner, then he had played it too well, for I was completely dismantled.

I turned my back on him and went into the house and straight to Lani’s room, regretting ever coming here. Maybe I would use that money my mother gave me to take a train back to Connecticut in the morning. Christmas alone would have been better than this. This was a reminder of how different we were. How maybe we really didn’t belong together. Clearly his mother didn’t want us together. I knew it was all too good to be true.

Kristen was right. I had finally woken up from the dream.