Chapter 77 Hesitation
JASON'S POV
We were still on the couch when the song changed to something slow and romantic. Caitlyn was curled up against me, her head on my chest, and I could feel her breathing slow down, as if she were about to fall asleep.
"You should go to bed," I said quietly.
"I do not want to move," Caitlyn said. "I am comfortable here."
"You will be more comfortable in an actual bed," I said.
"Only if you come with me," Caitlyn said.
"Okay," I said. "Let me turn off the radio first."
I got up and turned everything off. Locked the doors. Checked the windows. My usual routine before bed. When I came back to the living room, Caitlyn was standing in the hallway waiting for me.
"Ready?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said.
We went to the bedroom and got into bed. Caitlyn moved close to me immediately and put her head on my shoulder.
"This is nice," she said.
"Yeah," I agreed.
"Jason?" Caitlyn said after a minute.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," I said.
"Do you ever think about that first night?" Caitlyn asked. "The night we met at the bar?"
"All the time," I admitted.
"What do you think about?" she asked.
"I think about how scared you looked," I said. "And how much I wanted to help you. And how dancing with you felt like the most natural thing in the world."
"Do you think about what happened after?" Caitlyn asked. "After we left the bar?"
I knew what she was talking about. The night we spent together. The night that led to the birth of the baby. We had not really talked about it since then.
"Sometimes," I said carefully. "Do you?"
"Yes," Caitlyn said. "I think about it a lot lately. About how different things were then."
"Different how?" I asked.
"I was drunk that night," Caitlyn said. "And scared. And not thinking clearly. But I remember bits and pieces. I remember feeling safe with you. Like for the first time in months, I did not have to be afraid."
"You do not have to be afraid now either," I said.
"I know," Caitlyn said. She was quiet for a moment. "Jason can I tell you something?"
"Of course," I said.
"I want to kiss you," Caitlyn said. "But I do not know if I should."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I do not know if I am ready," Caitlyn said. "And I do not want to start something I cannot finish."
"You do not have to finish anything," I said. "We can just kiss. That is it. No pressure for anything else."
"Okay," Caitlyn said.
She tilted her head up and looked at me. I could see her eyes even in the dark. Could see the uncertainty and the want.
I leaned down and kissed her. Soft at first. Gentle. Giving her the chance to pull away if she wanted to.
But she did not pull away. She kissed me back and her hand came up to touch my face.
The kiss deepened and I felt something shift. The air in the room changed, got heavier and more charged.
I pulled back. "Caitlyn."
"What?" she asked. She sounded breathless.
"We should stop," I said.
"Why?" Caitlyn asked. "I thought you wanted this."
"I do want this," I said. "I want you, but not like this."
"Like what?" Caitlyn asked.
"Not when you are confused or scared or lonely," I said. "Not when you are still dealing with everything Hayes did to you."
"I am not confused," Caitlyn said. "I know exactly what I want."
"Do you?" I asked. "Because a few weeks ago you were terrified of everything. Terrified of me touching you. Terrified of being close to anyone. And now you want to do this?"
"People change," Caitlyn said. "I am changing. Getting better. Healing."
"I know you are," I said. "But healing takes time. And I do not want to mess that up by rushing into something you are not ready for."
"What if I am ready?" Caitlyn asked. "What if I want to do this?"
"Then we will do it," I said. "But not tonight. Not when we have been dancing and listening to music and getting caught up in the moment. When we do this I want it to be because you are sure. Not because you are caught up in feelings you might regret later."
Caitlyn moved away from me. "You think I would regret it."
"I do not know," I admitted. "But I do not want to risk it. I do not want to be another person who took advantage of you when you were vulnerable."
"You would not be taking advantage of me," Caitlyn said. "I am the one who wants this. I am the one who kissed you."
"I know," I said. "But Caitlyn you have been through so much. Hayes abused you, controlled you, and made you do things you did not want to do. And I am not going to add to that by sleeping with you when you might not be in the right headspace."
"So what are you saying?" Caitlyn asked. "That we can never be together? That you will never touch me because you are too worried about taking advantage of me?"
"No," I said. "I am saying we should wait. Until you are sure. Until you have had time to heal and figure out what you really want."
"I know what I want," Caitlyn said. "I want you."
"Then prove it," I said. "Wait a week. If you still feel the same way in a week then we will talk about this again. But right now, in this moment, I think you are caught up in the dancing and the music and the feeling of being safe. And those are good feelings. But they are not enough to base this decision on."
Caitlyn was quiet for a long time. "You really think I am not ready."
"I think you might not be ready," I said. "And I would rather be safe than sorry. I would rather wait and be sure than rush into something that could hurt you."
"What if waiting hurts me?" Caitlyn asked. "What if I need this? Need to feel close to someone? Need to remember what it feels like to be wanted for the right reasons?"
"Then we will work on that," I said. "We will find other ways for you to feel close and wanted. Ways that do not involve sex. Because Caitlyn's sex is not going to fix what Hayes did to you. It might feel good in the moment but it is not going to heal you."
"How do you know?" Caitlyn asked. "How do you know what will heal me?"
"I do not know," I admitted. "But I know that rushing into something physical when you are still dealing with trauma is usually not the answer. I have seen it happen. People use sex to cope with pain. And it never ends well."
"So what do we do?" Caitlyn asked. "Just lie here and pretend we do not want each other?"
"No," I said. "We lie here and hold each other. We kiss if you want to kiss. We talk. We connect in ways that do not involve sex. And we give you time to heal."
"I hate that
You are being so reasonable about this," Caitlyn said.
"I know," I said. "But one of us has to be. And right now it is going to be me."