Chapter 124 First Days Home
CAITLYN'S POV
The nurse was wheeling me out of the hospital in a wheelchair with Emma in my arms. Jason was carrying all our bags and the car seat. He looked nervous. More nervous than I had ever seen him.
"You got everything?" I asked. "The diaper bag? The paperwork? The instructions they gave us?"
"I got it all," Jason said. "Stop worrying. We are going to be fine."
"I am not worrying," I said. Even though I was totally worried. "I just want to make sure we have everything."
"We have everything," Jason said. "Now let us get our daughter home."
Our daughter. The words still felt strange. Wonderful but strange. We had a daughter. Emma Rose Cross. She was ours. And we were taking her home.
Jason loaded everything into the car and then helped me get Emma into the car seat. It took us forever. The straps were confusing. The buckles were tricky. Emma started crying and we both panicked.
"Did we hurt her?" I asked. "Is she okay?"
"She is fine," the nurse said. She was standing by watching us struggle. "New parents always have trouble with car seats. You will get the hang of it."
"Are you sure we are ready for this?" I asked Jason. "To take her home? To be responsible for another human?"
"No," Jason said honestly. "But we are doing it anyway."
He finally got Emma buckled in and we thanked the nurse. Jason helped me into the front seat and then got in the driver's side. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot driving so slowly I thought we might never get home.
"You can go faster than this," I said. "We are going like ten miles an hour."
"I do not want to hurt her," Jason said. "What if we get in an accident? What if something happens?"
"Nothing is going to happen," I said. "Just drive normal. Please. At this rate, it is going to take us two hours to get home."
Jason sped up a little but he was still driving way slower than usual. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were white. I looked back at Emma. She was sleeping in her car seat. Completely peaceful. She had no idea how terrified her parents were.
When we finally got home Jason carried Emma inside in her car seat. I followed slowly. Everything hurt. My whole body was sore from labor. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
"You okay?" Jason asked when he saw me wincing.
"Just sore," I said. "The doctor said that it is normal. It will get better in a few days."
"You should rest," Jason said. "Go lie down. I will take care of Emma."
"Are you sure?" I asked. "You know how to take care of her?"
"I will figure it out," Jason said. "We took the classes. I watched the nurses. I can do this."
I went to our bedroom and lay down. I was so tired. I had not slept in over twenty-four hours. Between the labor and the hospital stay and Emma waking up every two hours I was exhausted.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew Jason was shaking me awake.
"Caitlyn," he said. "Caitlyn wake up."
I opened my eyes. "What is wrong? Is Emma okay?"
"She is fine," Jason said. "But she is hungry. I think she needs to eat. And I do not know what to do."
I looked at the clock. I had been asleep for three hours. My breasts hurt. They were full of milk.
"Bring her here," I said.
Jason brought Emma over. She was crying. Not screaming but making these little unhappy sounds that broke my heart. I took her and tried to get her to latch. It took a few tries but she finally did and started eating.
"Is that right?" Jason asked. "Is she doing it right?"
"I think so," I said. "The nurse showed me how but it is harder than it looked."
"Does it hurt?" Jason asked.
"A little," I said. "But it is okay. She needs to eat."
We sat there for a while. Me feeding Emma. Jason is watching us. He looked amazed. He could not believe this was real.
"We made her," he said quietly. "We made this perfect little person."
"We did," I said. "She is ours."
"I cannot believe I get to be her dad," Jason said. "I keep thinking someone is going to come take her away. Tell me I do not deserve this. That I am not good enough."
"You are good enough," I said. "You are going to be an amazing dad. You already are."
Emma finished eating and I burped her as the nurses taught me. She made a little burp sound and Jason laughed.
"That was cute," he said. "Everything she does is cute."
"Everything," I agreed.
"Are you hungry?" Jason asked. "I can make you something to eat."
"Starving," I said. "I have not eaten since this morning."
"What do you want?" Jason asked. "I will make anything."
"Just a sandwich," I said. "Something simple. I am too tired to eat anything heavy."
Jason went to make food and I held Emma. Just looked at her. Studied her face. She had Jason's nose. My eyes. Dark hair like both of us. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Jason came back with a sandwich and some water. I ate while he held Emma. She was awake now. Looking around with big curious eyes.
"What do you think she is thinking?" Jason asked. "Looking at everything?"
"I do not know," I said. "Probably wondering where she is. Who we are. Everything is new to her."
"It is new to us too," Jason said. "Being parents. Having a baby. All of this."
"We will figure it out," I said. "Together."
"Together," Jason repeated.
Emma started crying again. Not hungry crying. Just fussy crying. Jason tried to calm her but she kept crying. I tried. She kept crying. We tried everything. Rocking her. Singing to her. Changing her diaper. Nothing worked.
"What if something is wrong?" I asked. "What if she is sick?"
"The doctor said she was healthy," Jason said. "Maybe she is just adjusting. To be home. To everything being different."
"Maybe," I said. But I was worried. What if we were doing something wrong? What if we were bad parents already?
Finally, after what felt like hours Emma fell asleep. We put her in the bassinet next to our bed and just stared at her.
"Is she breathing?" I asked. "She looks so still."
"She is breathing," Jason said. "Look you can see her chest moving."
"Should we sleep?" I asked. "While she is sleeping?"
"Probably," Jason said. "The nurses said to sleep when the baby sleeps."
We got into bed but I could not sleep. I kept looking at Emma. Making sure she was still breathing. Still okay. Jason was doing the same thing.
"We are never going to sleep again are we?" Jason asked.
"Probably not," I said.
Two hours later Emma woke up crying. I fed her. Changed her. Rocked her back to sleep. Put her down. An hour later she was up again. And again an hour after that.