Inner voice

Inner voice
Raelynn's POV

The rest of the day moves like sludge. I feel this heaviness in my chest that’s warring with elation.
Kieran wants to be with me. He said he loved me.
It was just adrenaline, Raelynn. You’re a fool.
You’re just a doe-eyed loser. He’s still in on the prank. That little bet that he didn’t bother to tell you about. Once he gets you right where he wants you, he’ll pull the rug from beneath your feet. Leave you like the pathetic piece of shit you are.
My mind has been uninhibited today. Feeding me an endless loop of negativity that’s suffocating. I’ve felt self-loathing before, but this is something on an entirely different level.
It’s as though my mind refuses to allow the very thought of Kieran reciprocating feelings.
I want to ignore it entirely. Shove that voice back down inside the safety of the box I’ve created for her… But there’s a part of me that needs to hear the words she’s saying. It’s sick, but the negativity is like a security blanket. A constant reminder to never let my guard down.
Cae taps me on my thigh, startling me. His brows knit together, face tilting, ‘Are you going to tell me why we’re here?’ he lowers his hands slowly before raising them once again, ‘And why are you so jumpy?’
I chew on my bottom lip, sighing before raising my hands. I lower them and raise them again before curling my fingers into my palm, ‘I can’t tell you everything right now, but we’re not safe, Cae.’
Cae’s too smart for me to sugarcoat, but he’s also too young to give him all of the details. I just hope that’s enough to pacify him for now.
Guilt ebbs away at my gut, swirling and twisting until I feel sick as he stares at me. Over the last few weeks, Cae’s changed. He’s grown up… His hair has gotten longer, and he looks less like a kid and more like a teenager.
After a few moments, he pins me with a serious look, ‘Quit treating me like a child.’
‘I’m not.’
The tips of his ears grow red, ‘You’ve been treating me like a child since mom died, when we both had to grow up in an instant.’
Tears burn my eyes as he continues.
‘I’ve watched for years in silence while dad beat her….’ I don’t want him to say it, ‘Beat you. Beat me,’ he stabs at his chest, frustration bleeding from his pores. ‘Stop treating me like I can’t handle the truth.’
I glanced towards the rear door. Kieran and Malcom haven’t returned yet. How much would he want me to say? How much do I want to say?
It’s not that I think Cae couldn’t handle most of the truth, but the reality of what happened tonight was more than that. I could go to jail. Charged with murder.
My hands begin to tremble, heart racing as I lift my gaze back to Cae. What would he think of me if he knew the truth? I was no different than the man who stepped into our home and killed our mother.
That hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes began watering and the tremble in my hands intensified.
I stared at where my hands sat atop my lap, watching tears fall onto my skin until my vision blurred.
“Rae-lynn,” Cae’s voice ripped me from my self-loathing, “Wut ev-er appened… It’s ‘kay.”
Our eyes locked and I can’t help myself. I launch my body towards him, wrapping him in a bear hug.  
“I did something horrible, Cae,” I sobbed, unsure if he could make out the words I was saying. “And I’m terrified that it’s going to come back on us…. On you.”
At first, he was still. Eerily so, and I wondered if I had crossed a line vomiting that information on him, but after a few seconds, I felt his hand run up and down my back.
“It’s ‘kay, Rae-lynn,” he squeezed me tighter, “Wut ev-er yuu did… We are stwonger than yuu tink.”
His words are clearer today than they ever have been before, and I silently curse myself for missing out on so much.
I need to stop spending so much time wallowing. Gosh, I was pathetic. At nineteen years old, my almost thirteen-year-old brother handled everything life threw at him without falling apart.
He was right to get frustrated earlier. We’ve been through so much together, and I’m the only one falling apart.
The lock on the door beeped, flashing green before Kieran and Malcom stepped through the doorway. Their arms were filled with wood as they moved towards the fireplace, but the moment both of them glanced at the table, they halted.
I stood up quickly, clearing my throat, and swiping away the dampness on my cheeks, “I’ll be right back,” I whispered, practically running down the hall to the bathroom.
My back pressed against the door the moment it clicked shut, my body sliding down until my butt hit the cool tile.
Get your shit together, Rae. Kieran has dealt with this his entire life, and he’s doing fine….
I guess if you call overdosing on drugs to avoid your feelings fine.
My mind was a place I didn’t like. The voice in my head was dark, headstrong… disturbed even, and sometimes, she was downright hateful. But at the same time, she was strong… Stronger than I’d ever be and she wasn’t someone who would cower in fear.
Sometimes, I wish I could be the person locked away inside my head. The woman that she is wouldn’t be sitting on a bathroom floor crying over some man who was going to hurt her. She wouldn’t feel remorse for taking the life of someone who threatened hers.
And she sure as hell wouldn’t have taken all of the abuse and bullying lying down.
Maybe I could be both.
Soft and strong. Maybe soft didn’t have to mean weak and strength didn’t have to mean headstrong.
“Rae,” Kieran’s voice floated through the closed door along with a soft knock.
“Just a minute,” my voice was hoarse.
“We need to talk.”