My heart stopped as her eyes dropped down to my chest and her hand rose, slow and shaky, to touch me. I held my breath as I waited, so attuned to her I felt the heat of her fingers just before they brushed my bare skin. With a touch that was barely a touch, her fingertips skimmed over my flesh, tracing the circle of the tattoo that covered my pec.
My eyes closed, and I ground my teeth together as my body reacted to her touch, hardening to the point of pain. My breath sawed in and out of my lungs in short pants.
She pulled her hand away and turned her head, then swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, Enzo. I can't."
The monster inside of me rose up, growling his impatience. I wanted to reassure her and let her know it was okay. I understood it was going to take time. That some people dealt with trauma better than others. But I couldn't trust myself to speak. I wasn't used to being told no. From anyone. Leaving her alone on the bed, I headed for the whiskey. The only thing that was going to save her right now was if I got shitfaced drunk. And even then, it was questionable.
I threw back one glass and was pouring another when she followed me out to the other room. "What are you doing?"
"Getting drunk."
She didn't say anything, but I could feel her staring at me. I sighed. "Go back to bed, Sera."
Instead, she remained where she was. "Maybe I should stay somewhere else."
I swung around to find her standing just inside the room, twisting her hands nervously in front of her. "No. You'll stay here."
"Enzo…"
"I said you'll stay here. I can control myself, Sera." And I could. I would. Even if it fucking killed me. For her.
The look she gave me made it clear she didn't know whether or not to believe me. "I just thought it might be easier for you."
"For me? Or for you?" I took a long drink, wishing the alcohol would hurry the hell up and make me numb so I could escape these things I felt for her.
Her eyes dipped down to my sex and shot back up to my face. Her neck and cheeks flushed red. I was only wearing my boxer briefs, and my erection was obvious.
"Where would you go?" I asked her to get my mind off of her eyes on my cock.
She frowned and then shrugged. "I don't know. I could get a different room."
I fell back on the only thing I could. "That wasn't part of our deal, Sera."
Her mouth opened, and I fully expected her to tell me she wanted out. A request I would deny. But then she closed it again. Without another word, she went back into the bedroom.
"Jesus fucking Christ." I wasn't sure who I was cursing at. Sera, or myself.
I poured myself another whiskey and chugged it down.
What the hell was this pull she had on me? I didn't understand it. And I didn't like it. But I was done trying to lie to myself about it. I barely knew her, and yet I was willing to risk my life for her. To kill for her. To deny myself…for HER.
I poured myself another whiskey. Walking over to the couch, I sat down with my drink and stared out at the lights of the city. I'd been obsessed with Alessandra when I'd first met her, too. It was my nature. But not like this. I'd been young then, with all of the randiness of youth. Hell, I had a hard on more often than not whether she was in the room with me or not. She was my first love, and what I'd had to do to her ate away at my insides for years. It still did. But she'd left me with no other choice. It was her or both of us.
And yet, sometimes I wondered what my life would be like now if I'd chosen her and somehow managed to live through it. Where would we be living? Would we have had more children? Would we be happy? Or would we have outgrown each other and I would've left the only family I'd ever known for nothing?
Alessandra would still be alive, but what would I be? Who would I be?
I couldn't imagine my life being anything but what it was now. Being a part of the mafia was all I'd ever known, and it wasn't as hard as people thought it was. There were rules we lived by. Clear, black and white rules. Rules that were never broken without consequences.
Sometimes this life was bloody and violent, but it was only that way to protect the ones we loved. To protect the rules that kept us alive and out of jail. My life was orderly. I knew my place as one of Luca's soldiers. And after Alessandra, I allowed myself to care for no one except him and Tristan. The two people who had been with me through everything, and who I could depend on to always be there because we protected each other and we followed the rules. If I had the need for a woman, I called Jade. I knew what to expect with her, and I liked it that way. There were no feelings involved. No uncontrollable hunger. She was pretty, and she knew how to conduct herself in whatever situation she found herself in.
She didn't fuck me up inside until I couldn't think straight. Until the fear of losing her twisted my guts into knots. No woman had ever done that. Not even my wife.
Until Sera knocked on my door and threw my world into a tailspin. I felt off balance. Distracted. And that wasn't good for me or the people I was sworn to protect. I should have Luca call her father and let him come and take her. I knew this. It would be the smart thing to do. The right thing to do. Because what would her life be with me? Would she end up six feet in the ground like Alessandra? Would she constantly try to run from me? She was trying to escape the world of the mafia, not become more entwined in it.
And if I forced her to stay, she would only grow to hate me.
With these thoughts swirling in my head, I inhaled deeply, and the scent of bleach burned my lungs. In the morning, I'd check her skin to make sure she hadn't done any serious damage to herself.
Getting up, I walked quietly into the bedroom. Sera was curled up under the comforter, but I knew by her breathing she wasn't asleep yet. Still, I was quiet as I crossed the room to where I'd left my clothes and retrieved the items she'd given me earlier. A ring, a watch, and a money clip. Then I got my cell phone.
I took them all back out to the sitting room with me and laid them out on the coffee table, studying them as I drank. I would find out who these things belonged to.
And I would kill them.
For her.