Chapter 17

**Megan**

Mark strokes up and down my arm as I lay on his chest. I’ve been awake for the past hour. His heart pounds a steady rhythm in my ear. Since I woke up, I’ve been contemplating my relationship with him. Unlike Logan, he’s safe for Ella and my heart. It seems like the logical decision, my heart may not be in it, but I ended up hurt the last time I followed my heart.

“Are you ok?” Mark asks. I thought he’d think I’m still asleep; I guess not.

That’s a loaded question. After last night with Logan, I went in search of Mark. I’d found him at a table with his friends. It took all of my willpower not to cry and school my emotions to convince him and others that I was ok. That nothing had happened to upset me. Courtney and Yasmin knew, and I knew that they knew I wasn’t ok when I looked at them. It took me all of ten minutes to get Mark to bring me home with the promise of sex.

“You were different last night,” he states.

He’s right; I was different. I couldn’t help but compare how he makes me feel to how Logan does throughout the night. Logan makes me feel on fire from the moment he looks at me. With Mark last night, I didn’t get that. I’ve never had that with him or anyone else but Logan. The problem with fire is, it almost always gets you burnt.

Moving my fingers over the smattering of hair on his chest, I turn so that I’m laying on my stomach and I can rest my chin on his chest. He moves his other hand from behind his head to bring it down and sweep my hair behind my ear. Looking at him, nothing stirs inside me. There’s an attraction but nothing that makes me need him.

“I’m just thinking about what I have planned today,” I pause and tilt my head a little, “and that I probably shouldn’t have drunk so much last night,” I add with a slight smirk. I feel his fingers trace one of the scars on my back. I suppress the urge to flinch away from his touch or even shiver. I don't think any part of him has noticed how I detest him touching them. Every time he does, it sparks a memory of how I got them into my mind. I can’t tell him. Telling him would mean disclosing how I got them. It would mean admitting to him that I’m damaged and not the person he thinks I am.

He smiles, and it’s a beautiful smile. A smile that’s probably had many girls fall all over him during high school and college. I wonder if that’s why he likes me. Daniel told me that a lot of girls fall in love with Mark very quickly. That annoys him as Mark doesn’t know if it’s because of how wealthy his family is or genuine.

“Are you cooking?” he asks.

“Courtney and I are,” I tell him. “Yasmin isn’t allowed near the cooker,” Yasmin nearly burnt the building down the last time she cooked. She was only making pasta. She blamed it on the pan, but Courtney and I made her promise not to cook ever again. It’s the same with Courtney, she’s not allowed to do any washing apart from her own, and that’s only if she needs it.

“I always forget that Yasmin can’t cook and Courtney can’t do the washing; I guess your parents taught you how to survive, no maids for you,” he states. I smile a little and get up. Telling him that cooking and washing were beaten into me and I was basically a slave after my mother died doesn't seem right.

“I’m gonna go get a shower, and then I’ll make breakfast,” I tell him as I get out of bed.

Once in the shower, I try to be as quick as possible because I know Mark will join me, and I’m not in the mood for shower sex. It’s not always great, and after last night I know it won’t be any better. The bathroom door opens as I wrap a large white towel around my body. Mark stands at the doorway and frowns at me.

“That was quick,”

“I’ve got a lot to do today,” I say as I pick up another towel to pat around my neck and shoulders. “You can get a shower,” I tell him and walk past him into my bedroom.

I stand in front of my vanity table and notice the tiny elephant is back in its place. I frown as I stroke it a little. Ella must have put it back after playing with it. It’s been missing for days. I love elephants; I’m not sure why I always have, and I can always find lovely little ornaments for my room that are in the shape of an elephant. I recently bought an elephant candle holder with an intricate mandala pattern carved into it.

After getting dressed into a pair of high-waisted denim shorts and a crop top, I walk out into the kitchen to see Yasmin and Courtney sitting at the island counter with water in front of them. They both look up at me and then lay their head back on the counter.

“I guess I’m making you both breakfast?” I ask.

“We love you,” Yasmin says, and I smile as I open the fridge to get the bacon out. I eat mostly vegetarian or vegan nowadays. It’s only about twice a month I eat meat and dairy when there’s no other option.

“I know,” I reply as I get everything ready. I left the club before them, so I guess they drank a lot more after I went.

“We saw Logan last night,” Courtney states.

“Did you?” I ask as I place the pan on the hob and put a small amount of oil in it.

“Yeah, around the time you left,” she adds.

“I didn’t see him,”

“Lies,” Yasmin says. I look at her as I put pieces of bacon in the pan. “I saw you both on the dance floor. You spilt your drink on him,”

“Accidently,” I add for her.

“What else happened? Spill everything,”

“Later,” I tell her. I’m not going to lie; I was hoping I would be able to forget about last night. I had no intention of telling them about what had happened. Nothing seems to get by Yasmin. “Mark is still here,” I tell them, and they nod in understanding.

After about fifteen minutes, we’re all sitting at the island eating. Mark is freshly showered and has only put on his jeans. Since Mark came out of my bedroom, I’ve been trying to assess what is going on between us, and I can honestly say it’s not going to go any further than this. He’s a nice guy, but some things about him don’t sit right with me. Sometimes he can be clingy, and to me, that’s a sign of him being controlling if we were to take this further. He texts me nearly every day, and if I don’t reply, he calls. He rings nonstop until I answer, and that’s a little suffocating.

I didn’t miss the fact it wasn’t an accident that he introduced himself as my boyfriend to Ella. When I have never introduced him as my boyfriend to anyone, he came up to me the other night when I was with Logan to demand I leave with him. All the signs are there that he’s got some control issues, and I’ve had that type of man in my life before; I don’t want another one.

“So what do you think?” Mark asks me. I frown at him. I wasn’t listening to a word he was saying.

“Sorry about what?” I ask as I put my sandwich down and take a sip of my water.

“About going to a theme park sometime next week,” he states. Now I know why Yasmin and Courtney are taking a lot of interest in their food. “Have you been to Coney island? Ella would love it,” he says as he finishes his food. I frown at him. We’ve spoken about him meeting Ella; why does he keep pushing it?

“Why did you introduce yourself to Ella as my boyfriend?” I ask. He frowns at me. “I know you said it was an accident, but how was it? I’ve never called you my boyfriend or even introduced you as my boyfriend. If it just slipped out, that must be because you’re telling people that you’re my boyfriend,”

“I told you, it was an accident,”

“Have you been telling people you’re my boyfriend?” I ask. He sighs and looks away from me. “You have,” I say as I stand up and put my plate in the sink. Yasmin and Courtney both look very awkward right now.

“Only a couple of people,”

“I think you should leave,” I say, folding my arms and leaning against the counter. “

“C’mon, it was only a couple of people,”

“That’s not the point, you’re controlling, and I’m not into this,”

“I’m not,”

“I don’t like you as much as you like me,” I say.

“Are you for fucking real right now?” Mark snaps.

“Just leave Mark,”

“I told a couple of people because that’s what I want us to be,” he says.

“I don’t, just like I didn’t want you meeting Ella. You want things that I don’t,” I tell him.

“Because you won’t let yourself, don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been shutting me out more since your ex came back,” I sigh and storm into my bedroom. I pick up his t-shirt and walk back out to throw it at him.

“Get out,” I snap. He doesn’t move. He just glares at me. “Don’t make me call security,” I snap.

“Is this because you screwed your ex? He asks.

“I didn’t screw him, and no, it’s because I’ve had controlling men in my life before. I’m not having another,” I tell him. “You seem to think you know everything. You don’t. You had no right to come up to Logan and me at the bar, and you had no right telling other people and especially my daughter, that you’re my boyfriend. You’re not, and you never will be. Now get out,” I snap as I feel myself become angry.

“You should leave,” Yasmin tells him. He scowls at me and then looks at Yasmin and Courtney before looking back at me.

“I apologised,” he argues.

“It’s not just that, I’ve told you we’re not going any further than this, and you want what I’m not willing to give you, and that’s not fair to you,” I walk towards the front door and open it. “Just go, please,” I say. He sighs and stands up. I watch him put his t-shirt back on and then walk towards me and out of the door.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Me too,” I tell him and shut the door. Courtney and Yasmin both look at me. I can see they don’t know what to say to me. Walking back towards the kitchen, I put my plate and Marks plate in the sink to rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher. “Do you guys fancy a barbeque today?” I ask them, trying to ease the tension in the room.

“Erm, sure,” Courtney says.

“Are you ok?” Yasmin asks.

“Yeah, no point stringing him along, plus I was bored of him anyway. Last night was dreadful.” I tell them as I look in the fridge to make a list of what food to buy.

“What happened with Logan?” Courtney asks.

“We nearly screwed in the toilets,” I tell her and shut the fridge. “I need to go to the butchers. I’ll text everyone to let them know we’re having a barbeque, do one of you want to do a beer run? I doubt many will be drinking, though,” I say thoughtfully. “Unless they’re staying the night? Maybe I should clear the guest bedroom,” I think out loud.

“Megan, what do you mean nearly?” Yasmin asks. I look at them both to see them both frowning at me.

“We were in the toilets; we ended up kissing. He had me pinned against the wall. I had my hand in his pants- I think he’s gotten bigger, is that possible? Anyway- Mark and Daniel walked in, and I could hear them talking about Logan. They happened to mention that his fiance is in New York, which was like a bucket of ice on our hot little moment. They left; I told Logan that I was done with him and not to hurt Ella,” I explain to them. Courtney makes her best impression of a fish, she keeps opening her mouth like she wants to say something but doesn’t know what to say, and Yasmin just frowns in thought.

“What?” Courtney says.

“So in conclusion, Logan now knows I have one nipple pierced, not both, and his tongue piercing is hot as hell. I realise I’m an idiot, and I mean nothing to him. He promised not to hurt Ella, but we all know what his promises are worth. So any questions?” I ask. They both shake their heads. “Good,” I say with a nod. “I’m going to the food market; I’ll take Max,” I tell them and walk off towards my room.

The last thing I want to do right now is sit and wallow about how much of an idiot I am or cry over Logan. I need to forget everything and move on with my life. I need to be strong for Ella, and that means acting as nothing has happened. She should be my main concern, and she will be. All I can do is hope Logan won’t hurt her the way he has me.

---

**Logan**

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I hold my head in my hands. Last night was a disaster. The way Megan looked at me, she’s only ever looked at me like that one other time. When she broke up with me after I told her I loved her. That empty cold look, the look she has when she closes herself off entirely from all emotion. I know why she does it; she builds these walls all around herself to stop herself from being hurt. Only this time, I don’t think she’ll ever let me back inside.

I fucked up. I should have told her about Zoe. I should have pulled her out of that club and took her to my place. There’s a lot I should do that I haven’t done for no other reason than myself. I’m selfish, and she knows it.

The bed dips, and I feel hands move up my back. I suppress the urge to cringe away as the source of my problems wraps her arms around my waist. Her breasts press against my back as her lips caress my shoulder and up my neck.

“Morning,” Zoe says softly. Sometimes I think she’s scared of me. I hear it in her voice when she’s not sure how to approach me. This is one of those times. She knows I may have fucked her last night, but it meant nothing to me. Not that she would ever admit it.

Zoe’s hands move lower. I watch as her hand grips my dick. If I close my eyes, I can almost trick myself into thinking it’s Megan behind me. Almost.

“I need a shower,” I tell her as I get up and move out of her grasp. I hear her huff and turn to look at her. I’d be lying to myself if I said she wasn’t beautiful. Her sun-kissed blonde hair and her sky-blue eyes teamed with her beautiful unmarked skin. Everything about her is perfect, physically. Being beautiful on the outside doesn’t make someone attractive on the inside.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“I don’t like you,” I tell her. She frowns and moves the sheet to cover her naked chest. “Or love you, you mean nothing to me, yet you won’t leave me. Why?” I ask. She looks down, and for the first time, she looks vulnerable. She gulps, and the mask comes back into place.

“My parents say the same thing,” she says with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m a mistake; I’m not the child they wanted,” she looks back down and takes a shaky breath. “Since being with you, my parents have looked at me differently. You may not love me now, but neither did they. With time you will,” she says to me. I sigh and move back onto the bed.

“If they don’t love you, being with me won’t make them,” I tell her. She shakes her head, and I see the tears in them. For the first time,

I understand why she’s acted the way she has with me. She’s nothing but a young girl wanting the love of her parents.

“You don’t get it; my parents love money and reputation. They talk about me proudly with you to their inner circle,” she adds.

“You don’t love me either,” I tell her.

“I can,” I sigh and pull her close to me.

“Why were you in rehab?” I ask.

“Anorexia, I was trying to be perfect for my mother. Before any major runway or photoshoot, I didn’t eat, and then it became a regular thing,”

“You need help, you deserve to love and to be loved, but I’m not that person,” I tell her. She sighs and angrily wipes at her eyes.

“I don’t,” she moves out of my arms and gets out of the bed. “That’s for good people,” she tells me. “And neither of us are good people,” she adds.

---

Carl glares at me from my gym’s doorway as I pound my fists into the punching bag. He’s annoyed because I told him I’m not going to Megan’s barbeque. Megan sent me a text in a group chat with Carl, David and Lorraine telling us that she was having a barbeque and to come at any time after four. I’m not sure she truly wants to see me. After last night I know she doesn’t, and in all honesty, I don’t want to see her. I watched her with Mark after our encounter in the toilets. I also watched her leave with him.

Stepping back from the punching bag. I sit down on a bench and use my teeth to unravel the fingerless gloves from my hands. Carl walks in; he’s dressed in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt with a printed faded image on it that I’m sure is mine. He’s like a girl; I always find something of mine in his home.

“Just come,” he states.

“I don’t want to,”

“Not even for Ella,” he states. I clench my fists at that. There’s one thing Zoe is right about. I’m not a good person; I don’t deserve Ella or Megan.

“I have plans,” I lie.

“What plans?” I hear David ask. I look at him to see Lorraine with him.

“Trust me, Megan doesn’t want to see me,”

“What happened between you both?” Lorraine asks.

“Nothing, enjoy yourselves,” I tell them and move towards the treadmill, effectively ending the conversation.

I may have lied, but I could always do something tonight. It’s been a while since I visited some underground fight clubs. Beating the crap out of someone legally is an excellent stress reliever, or getting my face beat in often helps clear my mind. I could ask David to do it, but I know he’ll hold back. After the last one I went to I told him I wouldn’t go again, that was three months ago.

---

**Megan**

Ella’s breathing slows as she holds a piece of my hair in her hand. She rubs it with her fingers soothing her into sleep. We’re outside in the garden with everyone. It was only fifteen minutes ago that she stopped trying to tease Carl. It was when she started to get tired she climbed over me and decided to go to sleep. Carl has had her in fits of laughter from the moment he got here. He and David have thrown her in the air, so many times I think my heart has given up its position in my chest.

“Is she asleep? My dad asks me. I stroke down Ellas back and look at her face.

“Nearly,” I say and look at everyone to see they’re all still chatting away. I noticed Yasmin hasn’t spoken to Carl much, not that Carl has tried.

When Carl, David and Lorraine showed up, I had mentally prepared myself for seeing Logan. I didn’t prepare myself for not seeing him and the questions from Ella. She’d asked David and Carl where he was, and they both told her he wasn’t well. I know it’s a lie and that he most likely didn’t want to come. It was my fault. Courtney said it wasn’t and that he’s a coward. I know it is. If I’d not kissed him, he’d be here right now, and my daughter wouldn’t have been upset at not seeing him. A part of me thinks I shouldn’t have told her that he was coming, but I honestly thought he would and that he’d put anything between us to the side for her. I guess not.

“I’ll take her to bed,” I tell him. I look at my phone to see it’s nearly 10 pm. Time has gone fast. I look at the fire pit we bought on a whim late last year. I guess it’s gone to use; it’s kept many of us quite warm. The blankets also help.

“Ok,” he says. I look at him as he looks like he wants to say something.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’m just tired,” I say as I stand with Ella in my arms.

Carrying her into her room, Max follows closely behind me. I shake my head as he pushes her bedroom door open with his snout and jumps onto her bed. Laying Ella on her bed, I undress her to put a nightie on her and a pair of pull-ups. She’s that tired; she doesn’t even stir. I smirk and watch as Max moves to lay next to her. He rests his head on the pillow next to her and lets out a long sigh.

“Are you tired too?” I ask him. He looks at me and closes his eyes slowly at me. I smile and stroke his head.

“Mommy,” I hear Ella say sleepily. I look at her. Her eyes open, and her little arm moves over Max, hugging him to her. “Why didn’t Logan come?” I knew she hadn’t bought that little white lie.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” I say to her and stroke her hair from her face. “But there’ll be other times,” I tell her. “He may have been ill, or something may have come up, and he was unable to make it,” I add. “I’m sorry, baby,” I say to her.

“It’s ok, Mommy,” she says as her eyes slowly close. “I had fun today anyway,” she yawns. I smile a little and kiss the top of her head. I wait for her to fall back asleep before leaving her.

Standing up from my crouched position, I give her a small kiss on her head and give Max a little scratch behind his ear before leaving. I switch her night light on and shut her door behind me. A part of me can’t help but think I’ve let her down when it comes to Logan.

Logan left because he preferred to take drugs than be with me. I couldn’t make him happy or help him no matter how much I tried. Then he stayed after getting clean instead of returning to me. I can’t help but take that personally. He returns and says he wants to be with me but will continue to allow people to believe he’s a taken man. I read the article about us, the questions about who I am and the comments about me being a homewrecker. This morning his fiance tweeted out a photo of them in bed together. How am I supposed to believe him with things like that? He’s going to hurt us; I can feel it. I hope to be wrong; I pray for me to be wrong. Ella means more to me than a relationship with Logan. No matter what, I will choose her over him.

Walking into the living room, I see they’ve all made their way inside. I also hear a commotion near the door. Courtney and Lorraine look at me.

“What’s going on?” I ask them.

“Logan is at the door, and your dad is pissed about it,” Courtney says. I sigh and walk towards the door and what they’re saying becomes clearer.

“I just wanna see her,”

“She doesn’t want to see you. Ella is in bed,” my father snaps and I can hear the fury in his voice.

“Logan come on, I’ll take you home,” Carl says.

“Get the fuck off me. I just want to talk to Megan,” Logan sounds drunk.

“Logan, you’re in no state to see either one of them,” David says calmly.

“I’m fine,” he says.

“You're a joke,” my dad says. I sigh and push past Yasmin, and Melanie to see Logan leaning against a wall.

“What’s going on?” I ask loudly. All four of them and Sara turn to look at me. I’m going to guess Sara came out to calm my dad down.

Logan has a bust lip, and bruising is starting to form around his left eye. I notice there’s fresh blood trailing down his cheek. A green bottle in his hand catches my attention, and the red and bloodied knuckles. It would seem he’s been in a fight.

Folding my arms across my chest, I frown at him. This is how he’s going to turn up to my home. Fresh from a fight and drunk. Does he expect to be allowed to see Ella like this?

“Is this where you tell me ‘I should see the other guy?” I ask. He smirks, and God does that smirk cause a reaction inside me. “C’mon,” I say with a tilt of my head for him to follow.

“You can’t be serious?” My dad asks.

“He can’t stay out here,” I say and look at Logan.

“He should go to his fiance,” my dad snaps. I sigh as he has a point.

“I don’t have a fiance. I have a crazy girl I fuck whenever I want, totally different, kind of like what she has with Mark,” Logan states.

“Who is Mark?” my dad asks and looks at me. I shake my head as I feel my anger rise.

“The guy she fucks,”

“Logan,” I snap. “Either get inside, or I’ll beat your ass out here,” I growl.

“Who the fuck is Mark,” My dad asks again.

“Brett, calm down,” Sarah says as she strokes up his back with her hand, drawing his attention to her.

“So that means he’s not in there playing dad to my daughter, that’s good to know,” Logan says as he pushes himself off the wall and takes a swig of his beer.

“Neither are you,” I mutter. He hears me as he just glares at me. I nod for him to go inside. He sighs and staggers into my apartment. I can feel the silent disagreement from everyone, but just because I’ve allowed him entry doesn’t mean he’s forgiven.