SHE

SHE
 We stay like that for a while, him collapsed beside me, breathing hard, my heart worked fast, thumping and slamming furiously, did he say..? did I hear him right? Was I perhaps imagining things? I reach out as subtly as I could, pinching myself, it hurt, I was neither dreaming or imagining things, this was real. The silence pressed around us, it was obvious both of us heard the words, but what if I was the one who uttered them? Shit, shit, shit, I shut my eyes, wondering how I was going to undo it. I had confessed my feelings when I was supposed to see him out, that was how one night stands worked right?
 “Rachel... I didn’t say it so you could say it back to me.”
His voice and words startle me, so he said it then, I had managed to keep my dignity, that was good... wait, he said he loved me? I turn to face him sharply, he was staring at me, his eyes so intense that I have to swallow.
 “You said that?” My voice comes out as a shocked whisper, he raised a brow in question, then he chuckles quietly, his arms pulled me to himself, our sticky bodies pressed together and all my head can think of is what he had said earlier.
 “Yes, yes I did. And I am sorry you didn’t feel it before, but I have always loved you, always, from the moment I saw you, you were the first person I felt so strongly for, for the longest time I dismissed it, I could not believe it was real, but it was. I love you, everything about you.”
 I was stunned, I could neither speak nor blink, my eyes remain on his face, he had a small smile on it, his eyes telling me what his lips could not, I nearly drown in the sea of affection in them, no one had ever looked at me with that much affection, that much tenderness, it was so raw I almost cry.
 Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tell myself not to get sucked into it too much, he did lie to me, he could not...
 “Rachel, I am especially sorry that I lied to you, I had so many chances to back out, and I have no one but myself to blame, I could have had it all, but I ruined it. I am not asking you to take me back, I just wanted you to know that I am terribly sorry for what I have done, if I could go back and undo it, I would in a heartbeat. I am so sorry I hurt you.”
 His voice is full of sincerity, I could feel that he meant what he was saying, he holds me in his arms ever so tenderly.
 “Why?”
He looked away from my eyes for a few seconds, telling me he understood the question, he knew what I was talking about.
 “It is not an excuse, you know that right?”
I nod, unable to form words, because no matter what, I needed to understand why I was betrayed, and if I could never get an explanation from my parents, at least I would get it from him.
 “My father would not let me go, he didn’t want to let go of what he called his best asset, and at the time, even my therapist could not unravel what he had done to my head, it was that bad.” he swallowed. His eyes go back to the ceiling, as if he were watching the events unfold again, I hated that I was making him relive everything.
 “You don’t have to.”
“It’s fine... Anyway, he wouldn’t pay me for everything I had worked for, instead, he would rather curse me, he said I would turn out to be exactly like him, lonely, because nobody would ever love me genuinely, since I told him I had to have a family and a life, which he bought with money. He said if I didn’t turn out to be exactly like him, if I got married to someone I love and loved me back, despite knowing everything I did, then he would pay me back, and cut all contact with me. But I didn’t need the money, I wanted to prove to him and myself that I was nothing like him, that he may have raised me, taught me things no kid should be made to see, and at the end of the day, I was nothing like him.”
 I reach out to him, turning his face to mine, on his face was the most pained expression I had ever seen, my heart broke just looking at him.
 “You are nothing like him. I saw him, I am seeing you, you couldn’t be any different.”
He smiled sadly, “I am, I hurt you, by trying to avoid being like him, I became the very thing I hated the most.”
 I shook my head, wiping the stray tear that ran down his cheeks,
“You could have asked me to marry you, that would have made me crazy happy.” I say with a chuckle.
 He shut his eyes and let out a sigh,
“I was terrified you would see right through me, know what I had done and ran away from me. And somehow, I also believed that I was never going to find someone who loved me.” his eyes open when he says this, he looks at me with some kind of awe, I know he was doubting it.
 “I do, I love you, I can’t tell you when it started, but I knew I didn’t want to leave you after the six months were over, I wanted to stay by your side, I wanted to watch you smile, I wanted to cook with you, I wanted to share tea with you, I wanted to watch you pretend you weren’t scared of riding horses.”
 His eyes widen at the last part,
“You knew that?”
I chuckle, “It was adorable to watch, I was going to teach you.”
We stay silent for a while,
 “You had all these plans...” he says, his voice heavy with regret.
“You are nothing like your father, you are lovable, he is a despicable human. Do not compare yourself to him.” I tell him firmly.
 His response is a light squeeze of my elbow. I say nothing more, lost in my thoughts, I have heard his explanation, I knew his reasons, I understood them, did I trust that he would not hurt me any other time just because he had to prove something to his father?
 He untangles himself from me, 
“I uh.. I don’t know how this works.” he cleared his throat nosily, his back to me, I stare at him, confused, what did he mean?
 “The paparazzi guy seems like a good person, I genuinely wish you happiness.” He sounded so awkward. it was almost painful.
The paparazzi guy? Wish me happiness? What was he talking about??
My brows fly to my hair when I realize he was talking about Connor, and wishing me happiness, was he breaking up with me??
 “What the hell??!”
He startles, his hands pausing as he wears his pants, 
 “What the fuck do yo mean you wish me happiness??? You just confessed your feelings for me, and in the next breath you are shipping with someone else?? Really?? Did I wait all this time for nothing? What was all that talk about being yours?”
 He grabbed my head between his hands, pressing his mouth against mine in a hot aggressive kiss.
 “You have no idea how much I hated to say that, but I hurt you too much baby girl, I can’t just expect everything to be okay...”
 “Just...” I cut him short, our eyes meeting, I swallow,
 “ Just stay the night.”