Chapter nineteen
Astrid
I didn't remember how we left the club, or how we got home, or how I got to my room. Everything was just a blur, just noise and movement.
The only thing that echoed in my ear was the sound of the gunshot and Leon's painful groan as he collapsed.
I didn't remember taking the gun, didn't remember pulling the trigger multiple times until the Serpent fell limp to the floor. I knew I had done it, but I had no memory of it.
I stood before my bathroom mirror, my eyes fixed on the reflection. I didn't recognize the girl I was looking at. The one who was covered head to toe in blood.
Blood that wasn't hers. Blood of the stepbrother who had taken a bullet for her, who had saved her life.
The girl in the mirror knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve that sacrifice. She didn't deserve to live. She was nothing but a cold-blooded killer. A murderer.
Bile rose it way up my throat as the sound of gunshot ripped through my head again. I doubled over the sink and threw up everything in my stomach.
The realization that I had killed someone, no matter how justifiable the act was, weighed down heavily on me. I pushed back the thought before it could fully take root.
Leon was on a hospital bed fighting for his life. I couldn't afford to let my self loathing sink in now. Not when everything was falling apart because of me. It had always been my fault.
I gagged again, the nausea returning with full force. I didn’t fight it. I let it all come up, over and over until there was nothing left but dry heaves and shaking limbs.
I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. I wasn't going to cry. Not when all this was my fault. The Serpents had come for me. And Leon had paid the price.
I pulled my blood soaked shirt over my head and dumped it on the bathroom floor. My pants went next. Then my shoes. I removed every piece of clothing I was wearing until I stood naked before the mirror, blood dried on my skin.
My gaze dropped to my hands, the hands I had pressed against Leon's wound, trying to stop the bleeding in the car. I flipped the faucet on and shoved my hands under the cold water.
I scrubbed the blood off my hands, applying liquid soap but it wouldn't go away. No matter how hard I scrubbed, the blood remained. A permanent evidence of what I had done. What I had become.
Pop.
I ignored the phantom sound and continued scrubbing my hand.
Pop. Pop.
I scrubbed harder. The gunshot echoed louder in my ears. I didn't stop scrubbing until my skin burned and my knuckles turned red and raw. The blood clung away everywhere. I could taste it in my mouth, feel it in my head, and my chest.
It wouldn't go away.
I stepped into the shower, the cold tiled burned against my feet, grounding me for a second. Just a second. I turned the knob. The water poured down in a sudden rush. It was cold, too cold, but I didn't even flinch. I was too numb.
The water hit my skin, ran down in thin red streams. I watched it swirl into the drain. It should’ve made me feel clean. But I still felt filthy. Disgusting.
I leaned my forehead against the wall, letting the water beat down on me. I closed my eyes and pushed the sounds and the tears back.
I will not cry.
A knock sounded on my bathroom door and I flinched. The person didn't try the knob. They just stood there waiting for me to answer.
I didn't want to. I couldn't bring myself to face anyone when I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
“Astrid?” My mother’s voice. Muffled through the bathroom door.
I froze under the spray, hyper-aware of how loud the water was, how loud my breathing was, how loud everything was except her voice.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.
My lips parted, but no sound came. What was I supposed to say? That I had killed someone? That Leon might die because of me? That I didn’t know how to live with myself?
There was a pause.
“Sweetheart…” she whispered. “Carter told me what happened. I just want to know if you're okay.”
I stared at the foggy glass door between us. She couldn’t see me. I was glad she couldn’t.
“I’m fine,” I croaked out. The lie tasting bitter on my tongue.
Another pause. I imagined her on the other side, hands clenched, worried. Wanting to help but not knowing how.
“Rosa, I need you to talk to me. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on.” I could sense the sadness in her tone but she didn't let her voice waver, not even slightly.
“I'm fine, mum. I promise.” I said.
Normally, I would have a sarcastic moment to back up the claim so she would believe me. But now I was too drained to think of a sassy comment.
I felt her linger at the door. She obviously didn't believe me.
“I'll be fine, mum. I just want to be alone right now.” I said instead.
Hopefully, she would understand that and leave. She lingered for a few more seconds before sighing.
“I'll be outside if you need me. Just… call me.” She said, almost pleading with me.
“Okay.” I muttered weakly.
She left soon after that. I stayed in the shower for a while longer, letting the water wash away the rest of the blood. I scrubbed my body until I was sure every drop of blood had disappeared into the drain.
I had sustained a few bruises on the arm due to my intense scrubbing but I didn't care. When I was sure I was clean, I stepped out of the shower.
I draped a robe on my naked body and took one last look at my reflection in the mirror. Empty, Hollow eyes stared back at me. My hair clung to my forehead. I straightened it with my finger as I stepped out of the bathroom.
I stood in the middle of my room, my mind blank. I told my mum I wanted to be alone, but honestly, I wasn't sure that was what I really wanted. The silence too loud.
I heard my door open and footsteps filed in. I turned, slightly relieved that my mum and came back, but it wasn't my mum tant walked in. It was the last person I wanted to see.
“I'm not in the mood to verbally or physically spar with you right now.” I grumbled and turned my back to him.
“I didn't come here to exchange insults, Astrid.” Cornelius groaned.
“Yeah well, whatever you came for, you aren't getting it. I'm not in the mood.” I snapped, my voice a bit harsher but I didn't mind.
Cornelius was silent for a while, a thoughtful expression on his face.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I blinked, taken aback by his question. He was the last person I ever expected who ask me that.
“I'm fine.” I said, repeating the lie I had told countless of times in the past. I was fine. I had to be fine.
“Astrid–”
“Why do you care?” I snapped at him. “You hate me, remember? You shouldn't care if I'm okay or not.”
He blinked as if I had taken him by surprise by my words. I hardly doubted it.
“I don't hate you.” he said genuinely and I almost believed him. Almost.
“Then why are you here?” I asked.
“Your mother was worried about you so I came to check on you.” he paused as if he was contemplating something. “Also, I'm not a monster. I know what you did took guts and I'm just–”
“It's none of your goddamned business. You saw it and that was the end of it. Tell mum that I'm fine. I don't need a babysitter.”
I headed for the bathroom back. I needed to get away from the same breathing space as him, otherwise I was going to lose my mind. I didn't make it to the bathroom door before he grabbed my hand.
I tried to snatch my hand away from him about he only tightened the grip. I beat at his chest and tried to pull myself away. No matter how hard I pulled, he never let go.
“Let me go!” I seethed.
My other hand shot up and I hit him hard in the chest. He stumbled back a step and I was satisfied with my feat. I continued hitting him, screaming at him to let go.
It didn't take long for the tears that I had worked so hard to keep away come rushing back. My chest felt like it exploded, like a dam finally broke.
I punched his chest until I had no tears left to shed. Then I fell, relieved that the burden had been lifted off my chest. Carter let me sit on the tiled floor. He sat beside me.
“He deserved to die.” I blurted out.
“Yes, he did.” Carter's eyes hardened as he spoke. I had a feeling if I hadn't killed the Serpent, Carter would have killed him.
“So then why do I feel so guilty?”
“You have a conscience, a rare trait in our world. You shouldn't be afraid of it. It's what makes you human in this death ridden place. Always remember that the serpent deserved that death. You didn't do anything wrong by saving yourself.”
He was right. I hadn't done anything wrong by protecting Leon and me. I was probably just like this because it was my first time. I'm pretty sure my next time, it wouldn't be so bad.
“Thank you, Cornelius.” I smiled.
He frowned. “I'm Carter.”
I nodded quickly. It seems like he was about to say something when his phone vibrated. He pulled it out, a wide smile taking over his face.
“Leon is awake.”