The Agony

I bend double, stomach twisting itself inside out, and dry wretch as my body tries to vomit out the contents of my earlier breakfast. A washing machine motion making me spasm as I gag once or twice. Sweating profusely, limbs shaking with exertion, and heart working so hard I think I'm having a heart attack, and it's about to explode through my chest. I can feel my own pulse inside my ears and in my throat while I use my hands on my knees to brace my body and gasp for breath to fill my laboring lungs. I feel like I'm on the verge of dying.

"Here, drink some water and it'll pass. Take a breather." Colton holds out a cold bottle towards me, foggy with condensation and straight from the ice bucket, at eye level and I can't even muster up the ability to reach out and take it. I cough up phlegm, my throat burning painfully, and exhale wheezily in some sort of response. I can't believe how unfit I am.

“It'll get easier, you're just at the start of building stamina." He carries on, placing the bottle on the grass below me near my feet within my eyeline, and sinks down on his haunches to gaze up at me, tilting his face and smiling handsomely. A bead of sweat runs from my messy ponytail down past my ear and somehow travels across my cheek to drip off the tip of my nose. I can feel more running down the center of my spine, between my shoulder blades, and I shudder.

"If I... make it… that …far." It's an effort and a half to get the words out and he grins at me, amused with my uselessness. We've been out here for hours. Stretching, running, exercising, jumping boards, climbing obstacles. I never knew physical training could inflict so much agony.

"You're doing fine. First time my father put me through this, I blacked out and woke up covered in my own vomit, at his feet." He shrugs with that cute boy smirk as though it's some sort of proud memory and I squint at him. Not sure why that's a helpful or encouraging thing to say, and he chuckles, that sexy half smile of his bringing out his dimples and pats me on the back firmly. I feel like he's being more condescending than sympathetic and inhale with effort, sure my lungs might no longer be working to full capacity, and then blow out a long hot exhale. Trying to recover enough to take the damn drink I sorely need.

The noise of a field full of various aged people, all in different stages of training is all around us, voices echoing among the rumble of vehicles, and building works in the further distance. It feels like a school sports day, only with more shouting and yelling, and much older people. Also, a lot fitter, because I don't remember my class ever taking on a course like this and doing it without dying.

The whole valley is in movement, orders being carried out, and there's been an ongoing stream of trucks all day so far. Bringing supplies, materials, and wolves from further down the valley outskirts of its furthest point. They started construction further down and there's been rumbling and thudding noises coming from that direction on the wind. They were quick to assemble and start to put things in motion at the crack of dawn and its humbling to see the force that is Santo, in the flesh.

The worst of the internal burn inside of me calms down with the non-movement of my limbs and the three minutes of rest. I grab at the bottle and manage to straighten up, if somewhat painfully. My body trembling, and my legs weak, I can't take it anymore slumping down on my butt ungracefully, accepting fate. I'm done. It doesn't help that we're moving from spring to summer and the sun is hitting its high point of the day and slow roasting us all to a crisp. Not the best time to take your unfit self and put it through military style athletics.

Colton looks up and towards a podium where senior wolves stand issuing orders at the masses, and nods silently. I guess someone is talking to him and he flashes me back a sympathetic smile.

"You'll be pleased to know you have a two-hour rest and refresh session to go easy and lay face down on your bed." He extends a hand to me, straightening up to stand up himself and I bat it away with another frown.

"I'm going to lay right here, thank you very much, and hope to god I wake up and this was all a bad dream." It's a better attempt at verbal conversation but I still sound like an asthmatic dying pig. If only that was a strong possibility.

I let myself slump back into the short prickly terrain cushioning my ungraceful fall, and stare up at the cloudless blue sky, so utterly relieved to be able to let my body finally stop. It would be a beautiful day if I could appreciate it.

The fatigue washes over me and highlights how done my limbs are, and how unlikely it is they're going to cooperate or recover anytime soon. I can't take anymore even if I wanted to and hours of physical exertion have highlighted how unfit I am, while Colton barely broke a sweat.

"Do you need me to go get a wheelchair, or give you a piggyback?” He's mocking me now, his tone light, that air of cheeky and I can tell his dimples will be on show. I shove at his foot weakly as he gets up, comes close and toe digs me softly. Trying to push me into action. He towers over me offering a little shade from the direct light and I take a second to admire the formidable build of my Adonis. He's in a gray tracksuit that molds to his perfect muscular body and even in this heat, he has it zipped up to the top of the stand-up collar. No hint of being overheated, or sweaty or even reddening and I wonder what's up with that.

“Nope. Go away and leave me here to become one with the daisies. I've decided this isn't the life for me." It's humor on my part, the atmosphere between us today a lot less strained than last night. He seems brighter, more like his usual self today, working, and training in the sub pack, I could tell he is back on normal form. Carmen even managed to irritate him less as we were all so focused on what we had to do.

This morning, at dawn, started with a twenty-minute yoga type bunch of stretches, a warm, followed by a two-mile run that was a major shock to my system. I've now added sadist to his list of less desirable traits, because he's a bossy asshole who kept running behind me and pushing me along by my butt when I lagged behind, refusing to let me stop no matter how much I begged him. Or maybe it was just an excuse to put his hands on my ass. Either way, it wasn't appreciated while I was panting like an old person trying to climb a stair.

"Can't, the grass cutters come out at noon and I don't think you would look good shredded and decorating the field. Come on, lazy, we need to go shower, eat, and head out this afternoon. We have things to do."

That brings me back to reality and hits me with a note of seriousness. I know what it is we have to do and whether I want to or not, I'm being dragged along, as he has this idea that from yesterday, I became part of his sub pack. Luckily, his father hasn't been around today to see me among his best, because I know he isn't going to like this slow integration Colton has me doing.

The plan this afternoon is to split into trucks to start visiting the villages around the mountain. Juan wants us to issue notices, and orders, to 'deal' with discoverers. Colton managed to convince him that force wasn't needed, or advisable, in the end. I guess Juan slept on it, and this morning new orders were issued among the pack leaders. We've to deliver face to face written notice that might give them time to come around to having them up and move the few miles to the Santo domain. I know it's because of Colton standing up to him.

Colton has a good heart, and despite years of thinking him arrogant and careless of people below him, looking back, I realize he just stuck to his own kind, and in the old mindset that the packs were rivals. He had his close-knit circle and he didn't like entertaining anyone new. He saw me as everyone else did, as one of the cast asides, and he made no attempt to interact with me. His defense of the people around the whole mountain tell me I had him all wrong.

I reluctantly roll over onto my belly and lay my cheek on the grass, enjoying the cool feeling on my previous overly warm skin. It's a little s tabby but a welcome relief to climbing nets, sprinting, and jumping hurdles again. The rest of the pack are still off in the distance, carrying on, and I keep hearing Meadow issuing commanding directions to them as they tackle a huge wall they're climbing. As wolves it would be easy, but today's training was human only. Stamina building, apparently.

"Just five more minutes." I moan softly, truly giving up on any form of movement as my body shuts down completely, deflating with a heavy, dramatic sigh. I yelp when his strong hands slide under me at speed, around the waist, him jumping over me and planting a foot either side of my hips as he lifts me up in one short sharp maneuver.

My arms flail, my legs curl and swing under him before he pulls me fully with him and drops me on my own feet. Clinging to his upper arms, making all sorts of desperate sounds and end up with the back of my head in the crook of his neck, my butt bedded in his groin intimately. He doesn't let me go straight away, just pulls me in tight with a sneaky hug, and lowers his own face so his mouth comes level with my ear. As always, my body reacts even when I don't want it to and I goosebumps all over, internal explosions and tingles going off inside my stomach so easily.

"You should never turn your back on your mate…. Gives him all sorts of dirty ideas." That husky tone ignites all sorts of hot and fiery feelings in the depths of my pelvis and it seems to magically revive me.

“Mate, huh? … I thought you dumped my ass and were sulking over the fact we would never be." I point out a little glassily, his arms sliding up around my ribs as he hugs me in against him fully. Taking advantage of the moment and initiating a different kind of contact.

"It's such a nice ass, that I realized my mistake and am groveling at your … rear." He chuckles in my ear, that telltale cheeky sound, and I know he's only playing, but it strikes a chord in me that dampens the sexy mood, killing it dead. For a moment, that bitter pang of annoyed hits me in the stomach hard and I push away from him hastily, freeing his hold on me and step out of his embrace, elbowing him in the abs as I get away.

"Don't." It's a moody bite to my tone, death of playful, as now stiff, and prickly, heart pained while he's making light of this. I catch him out of the corner of my eye, sighing too, his whole fun demeanor changing as swiftly as mine.

"Hey…. Don't be like that." He reaches for me, but I step away again, picking up the discarded water bottle and turn on my heel to march to the main house. He said shower and food and I think we need some breathing space. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I can't help the overwhelming urge to suddenly punch him in the throat, while sobbing my eyes out.

"Lorey, baby?” He follows me, obviously getting the waves of wounded mood and sulkiness coming his way. I know I chastised myself last night, to be more patient and reel him in, but I'm so sick of this hot and cold thing he has going on. It's up and down, touch, don't touch. Mate, not mate, and it's messing with my head. No wonder I'm having a hard time even sticking to my own plan.

I ignore him completely, annoyed at myself for once again turning hostile when he was genuinely fooling around, but the fact I know we have two weeks before he marks that bitch as his, has me feeling all kinds of foul things. It doesn't help that she spent the last few hours watching me, laughing at my attempts to keep up, and cartwheeling around me like some sort of gold medal gymnast, showing off, showing me how much better she is. She tried to make me look inadequate and kept interfering any time he got too close in showing me what to do.

Hey, I didn't mean to upset you. Talk to me.

His voice invades my mind as I try and put distance between us, but it just irritates me all the more.

Just make up your mind, okay…. Stop messing with my head and giving me mixed signals. It's not fair.

The obvious pain in my tone ebbs through and I flinch as he speeds up and catches me from behind, yanking me back by the upper arm and spinning me too him a tad aggressively. His little muscle in his jaw that twitches sometimes is working overtime and I stare blankly at his chest to avoid eye contact.

"You told me we should take the time we have and do what the fates wanted us to do" he frowns at me, defensively, pulling me back a second time when I try to back off and gain distance, his voice edged with the same low irritation as mine. He has no right to be tetchy in this, and it's not the way to handle my change of attitude.

"Yeah, right before you stopped kissing me and walked away. You, again; hot and cold!” I point out, frustrated beyond belief and stupefied he doesn't see how he's being.

"I'm not being hot and cold. I told you I love you and want to be with you! It's just the shit keeping us apart that's getting to me. I don't want this to be harder, but at the same time I can't not be with you. I'm drawn to touch you, be with you, constantly. That's not mixed signaling." He really doesn't see it the way I do, and I almost yell it in his face as the good old inner temper explodes at him.

"YES, it fucking IS!” I shove him away hard, aware some around us have stopped to look up, engrossed in the possible hint of drama going on over here, but I pull my head up and glare at any I catch with eyes this way. Completely combative, and not like me at all. Surprisingly, any I challenge look away fast and Colton hauls me back for a third time, oblivious to his wrongdoing and feeding on my spreading anger.

"Look…. I'm sorry…” It's delivered through semi gritted teeth and I know it's probably more from the fact I'm drawing unwanted attention and publicly challenging his authority, than being pissed at me, but it's not the right way to handle me when I'm already overly tired from hours of physical ed, and sensitive, because I love him, and this whole thing is shitty as hell.

“Aren't you always?” I raise a brow, sarcasm oozing like molten lava from my lips. I slap his hand off my arm, not caring if it stung, and make a fast dash to put distance between us before he reaches out again.

Leave me alone! I shout it at him mentally and don't let up, taking a sprint for the door and dashing forward as soon as it comes into view. At least super speed has its advantages sometimes, and I almost collide with a group of young teens coming out the main door and have to skid to a halt. Someone large, and familiar, colliding into the back of me with equal speed, and emergency braking in such a way it almost sends me flying. Colton catches me around the waist as I topple headfirst from the impact and rights me just as fast, pulling me up so we weirdly end up back in the position that started this whole bickering argument. Me in his arms, as he's wrapped around me from behind and his mouth at my ear. Only this time it doesn't ignite a desire to snuggle in. Fuming and ready to claw his eyes out, I turn in his arms to face him down.

"You want me to ignore all this and just go with my heart? You want me to share your bed every night, act like everything is rosy, and perfect, and my father won't do everything in his power to end this if I try to defy him? You don't know what he's capable of, Lorey. You don't know the lengths he will go to stop someone he loves from doing something he deems wrong for our pack. I may be his son, but that means nothing." His biting tone, and flash of fierce in that normally cool expression snaps me to attention at the strained way the words rush out, his eyes softening from almost amber anger to that dark brown under lowered brows, blows a little wind out of my sails.

"Like what?” Tears bite in sheer agitation, my emotions getting the better of me that here we are, arguing over this again, caught suddenly with the pain in his eyes, and he lowers his voice.

"You never stop to wonder where my mother is? Our Luna… who should be here for her people, being the heart and glue that tends to our vulnerable, in all these years?” That low, raw question, which brings amber to his eye's fully, winds me with the unexpectedness of it and I try to claw at the memory banks for an answer in the moment. Remembering my own suspicions from before.

Sometimes accessing his memories is not that easy. There are so many, jumbled together, out of sequence, so sometimes it's better to know what or who you're looking for if trying to find an answer. There are confused snippets and nothing concrete that I can pull out in a second, other than she was unwell.

"Well, where is she?” My fury dies a little, curiosity shining through and toning down this row. I can't sustain that kind of mad when my lame heart gets upset over him. Colton is a weakness, and he seems to know how to disarm my fury and cut right to the bone without trying. People seem bored we've stopped yelling and go about their day, bypassing us once more as he lets go of me and takes my hand instead. Tangling fingers intimately, his warm, strong, solid in my smaller, softer, looser, tightly.

"Maybe we need to have a talk somewhere private. I thought you would have seen all this in your head, but maybe not. I guess because I have so few memories to share of her. Come on."

That quietens me into submission, and I don't fight him. Colton leads the way, grasping my hand and tugs me with him through the hall. It's busy, filled with Santos coming and going from the mess hall, in all states of sports attire as training started today, and everyone seems to either be rushing about or completely immobile in groups, chatting. There's a sense of confusion with some, urgency with others, and a holiday vibe with a more. I guess some don't realize the seriousness of why everything has changed, and some are overwhelmed with anxiety and rushing around doing whatever they're told with prompt action. It's chaotic, and overwhelming, and I close down and allow him to lead me through.

Colton takes me away from the swarm of moving groups and heads towards the corridor to the communal room on this floor. He walks fast and I fall in step obediently. It only takes a silent minute to turn into the passage and head down towards the room where everything seems strangely hushed.

As soon as he hits the digits on the keypad, the door clicks open and the lights flicker on. I blink at the change from dull to bright and follow him inside quietly, waiting for him to move me in and shut the door. He locks it behind us, and it only adds to the tension rising inside of me that he clearly doesn't want anyone else to eavesdrop.

He motions for me to sit, his manner different, Mr. serious on show in the form of the commander that came here last night and heads to the bar. He pulls it open and grabs two sodas for us before coming back and choosing to sit on the floor in front of my armchair. He hands me a can once he opens it for me, and opens his own, taking a long drink before saying anything. I can tell he's delaying this, regaining composure, or turning something over in his mind and I wait, patiently. Perched in the seat a little stiffer than I should be, cradling my drink between my hands.

It's something he thinks I should know, so I'm not going to hurry him. Trying to scan my memories in the long pause between us, but it's such a jumble when it comes to his mother, of snips and bits of conversations, that I don't get a clear understanding of where she is. It's been something I noticed but I assumed it held no real importance in the grand scheme of things.

"She's not here." He points out blankly as though reading my thoughts, after a moment of staring at his own can. I don't recognize his raw, raspy voice, and the strangled way the words come out, telling me this is more painful than he can bear. "I haven't seen her for nine years."

It's not the answer I expected, and I gawp, heart skipping a beat, my eyes widening with surprise and I have no words at all. Head trying to pull that together and wondering if I missed some sort of public announcement that the Santo Luna had left the mountain that long ago, I mean, I was still a kid. This was something the people had a right to know. I just didn't realize it had been that long, almost a decade without our Luna.

"She's in a…. place, sort of…… care home, I guess. A medical facility. Has been since a few weeks after they came home from the war." He leans forward so his gaze is more heavily focused on the floor, yet I catch the glow of amber before he tilts away, enough that I can only see the top of his head. His emotions spiraling out and consuming me as I feed on his despair. My stomach clenches with it.

“Why?” I can sense his distancing emotionally, in a bid to stop me feeling his pain, cutting off to save me, and I can tell it's because this causes him a mass amount of it. I still get a huge wave of grief, regardless, not too dissimilar to how I felt when my parents never returned. He isn't pushing me away because he's ashamed, this is something that rips him up inside and he's aware he can't control the intensity.

"Her mind's broken. My mom never came home as the person she left. She isn't who she was, and my father said it's because she wasn't strong enough to endure the horrors of the war. That it was too much, and she faded away. She doesn't talk, or move, or do anything anymore. He said she stares into nothing and it's like her body lives on, but her soul's gone." He chokes on the words, his eyes glazing over, and it slices my stomach in response.

It winds me, my insides clenching up with the gravity of what he said, and I stay sat in mute silence staring at him, trying to get my head around that. Figuring out what I'm meant to say to that. Mental illness in wolves is rare, considering we can magically heal everything inside of us when we turn, even our brains.

"He sent her away… my own mom, his own mate. Cast her aside because her condition could hurt the pack. Show how weak she was, and unworthy as a Luna, and cause them to doubt his command. He won't tell me where she is because he knows I would go to her and he doesn't want me to. He says it would scar me. That it would crush me." Colton stares at the can in his hand, exhaling heavily as he deflates and seems so lost and young in this moment. A little boy pining for the mother he can never see.

It's starting to click in place, even if Colton doesn't see it himself. He doesn't realize the link between him rejecting me for not being what the pack needs, and the fact his mom fell at the same hurdle. Maybe in his head it's messy and all jumbled up and he doesn't really see it, but I do. It's not just his father's command holding him back, it's a deep-rooted fear that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle things either. I've never heard of wolves breaking down this way and I can't even imagine what she must have seen to end up a shell of a person who abandoned all she loved. Locked in her own mind, silently, and eternally adrift.

The Luna, she's meant to be the gentle touch of her people. Her focus is on the young and vulnerable, while her alpha mate is the strength and protection of the many. Our Luna is not here, and for ten years her weakest have suffered under his command. Her absence the sole reason of my kind were pushed aside and forgotten. She would never have allowed the orphans to be cast out; it's the job of a Luna, to maternally protect the young, the innocent, the unloved. It all makes so much more sense now.

Juan's focus is all about keeping the pack powerful and promoting unity among the strongest. He isn't interested in the weak and condemned them to the dark side, so he didn't have to take on his mate's role and care for them. He even sent his own away because she failed to fit his expectations, that's how power hungry he is.

No wonder Juan has become so much colder and crueler. His softer voice of reason, who could sway with her bond to him, has been gone for years and offers no conflict to the decisions he makes. Only a mate is truly allowed to argue, sway, dispute openly, or try and reason with an alpha, without real backlash or punishment. He rules with aggression now, and logic, and has no tender care for anyone who isn't worthy. Her warm eye on her people is missing, and her heart in their Holbein, it's why so many of us were pushed out.

"He didn't even let me say goodbye… he said it was for the best. Just had her moved and didn't tell me until she was gone. I feel like he's ashamed of her for being weak." Contraltos voice croaks a little, his emotions pushing through despite him trying to shield them, and it pains me to feel that kind of broken anguish. He was her only child, and from what I can feel, they loved one another deeply, as a mother and son should. It's an almost unbearable pain as it swarms me, but I can relate. I knew this pain and have grieved with the same intensity. It's the mourning of a parent's death, even if he hasn't lost her to the underworld.

"And that's why he hates me, because he thinks I'm the same." I point out, watching for the reaction on his face, his eyes still glowing amber as he stares at the floor over his crossed legs, unable to look me in the eye when caught in despair. I think Colton is ashamed of being so broken by this, another pointer of Juan's parenting skill. Colton has been lacking a mother's touch for half his life. The most important years while he was forming. The one who shoulder nurtured and softened him after he was forced into battles as a child, taught him not to blindly follow his father in the way he does, and instilled the strength to be his own alpha. That was the Luna's job as his mother. He's been at his father's mercy for years, baring down on him, and conditioning his outlook without restraint, it's any wonder Contraltos as caring as he is and not more like Juan. Teaching him the cruelest of lessons about loyalty and compassion to your mate, and the importance of love.

He discarded her as weak and put her somewhere to rot, because he was shamed by her inability to handle what was thrown at her. He chose the good of the pack, over the mate he was destined to care for. No wonder Colton is screwed up. His role model, and moral guide, taught him that love is secondary to duty and his heart has no value in what his decisions should be. It taught him that to love is not enough, that to imprint is not an excuse, that the pack must always be the priority even if it goes against his own needs.

"He just wants to protect me from the heartache he's endured. A mate in bond who still plagues his mind, but it's like she's dead. I don't think he goes to wherever she is anymore as he hasn't left this place for more than five years." He shrugs with one shoulder, glancing to the side of us as a tear rolls down his cheek and I can tell he feels awkward at showing that kind of softness, probably hearing his father in his head, sneering and scolding him for it. Wolves are macho and men they try not to cry much. Juan probably chastises him for any kind of compassion, empathy, or show of care in this way.

Impulsively I slide from my chair and mirror his pose on the floor in front of him, so our knees touch and we sit face to face. My hand sliding to cover his thigh, and I lean in, heart exploding with the need to console him. My own mind racing with many thoughts and reasons and explanations and seeing not a strong dominant alpha before me, but a scared young boy who wants to let go of the choices that are too hard for him to make on his own. In so many ways, he's still that eight-year-old kid who went from joyous ceremonial turning, to battle worn warrior in the space of a year.

"I'm not her. This isn't about us." I point out, knowing that somewhere deep inside he has those doubts. He saw my gifts coming through, he's started to really know me, and I hope he can see that as vulnerable as I may appear, there's a strength in me. The vampire attack it hurt me, left my heart weeping for those I've lost, left me with horrible dreams and a fear of the dark shadows, but it didn't crush me. Neither did the loss of all I held dear when I was only eight years old.

He needs to know that this situation might have a completely different outcome to his mom's and that what happened to her, is so rare, I never knew it could before he told me.

"It doesn't matter what I think. If I believe you're stronger than her or not. He thinks I'm blinded by the bond and he doesn't trust my judgement. How can I know if he's right or wrong, when I'm so inanely in need of you it pushes logic out no matter how I reason? He's right in the fact that our people need a future leader with a strong Luna by his side, but he can't accept that you're her. And I don't think my heads clear enough to know without my heart always changing it."

I get the full whack of his confusion and despair as he lets go of the floodgates he's been holding back, and I'm swamped instantly with the chaos that's been living inside of him since that night. It's overwhelming, and I am drowned with the urge to sob, tear my heart out, wail, kick someone and scream all at the same time. I have to cling on, like I'm on a rickety raft on a turbulent sea as his emotions devour me and almost snap me mentally with the force of such chaos. I breathe through the surge, until it settles inside of me and calms enough to reel my thoughts and breathing into calmer waves. Rationale pulling my brain to him.

"Tell me honestly…. Deep down in your gut, your instinct, without questioning it, just impulsively answer; do you think I'm capable of being that Luna?”

I need to know his true feelings without his foggy mess coloring it. Need to understand what our future really holds. If he really believes I'll be wrong for his people, deep in his heart, then I know, no amount of time together, kissing, or even sex, will sway him from doing what's right. His father's a voice in his head and his mom is a shining example of the result if he chooses wrongly. His people matter more than I ever gave him credit for, and his head is full of the vampire wars that are going to start all over again. If he does believe in us, then I can't let him stray down this path without a fight.

He's afraid of having me, only to lose me to a broken mind when our world's turned upside down, or maybe even death, which ends us both. His father's filling his head with all of this doubt and it's all so very clear now why he's struggling with what he should do.

There's a part of him who's strong enough to defy his father if he chose to, I was wrong about that, I see that now. He swayed him over the villagers and their coming here under force.

It's Contraltos own insecurity over whether he can put his feelings aside and make a right choice, not just for his people, but for us, that's screwing him up. He's terrified of what might happen to me if he puts me in a place that his mom was, carrying the burden of many, riding into battle ahead of the hordes, and expecting me to mentally hold myself, and them, together as a Luna should. He's over thinking all the possibilities, with many others whispering in his ear. The men who are wiser, older, powerful in our midst. This is way more complex and it all feels so hopeless. It's not just about a wolf deciding on a mate… it's so much more hanging in the balance. He's our future, where all eyes lay to lead us when Juan no longer does.

"I'm not going to lie… I don't know." He flinches as the words spill out, screwing up his face and hunching down in disappointment at his own inability to even answer that without confusion.

I can't even be mad at that, because I've no idea what's coming with this war, or what his mom went through ten years ago, but he does. He fought on our lands as a warrior, defended us from smaller invasions, as an adult should even though he was only a child. He's seen the reality of what's coming and still bears the scars.

I think I have the strength and courage to deal with it, but maybe I'm just a child with a stubborn head, and a foolish heart, who thinks the fates would never steer her wrong. Maybe I'm the delusional one, grasping at hopes and being ridiculous. I have no words and my hand slides back into my lap with the weight of realization punching me in the gut. Screwing me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.

“Now do you understand? …. Love, it's not the issue. I'm yours, heart and soul, every beat just for you." Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping mine in his, but failing to warm the icy cold seeping through me with his touch. A sad desperation in the air as I nod hopelessly, accepting the real truth as it stretches endlessly between us, like a gulf we can never cross. Head filled with so much, and yet my heart empty, desolate, as numb overtakes me to save me from the pain it can't deal with.

There isn't an answer to this, a way out, a ray of hope in the dark. The fates, they should never have let any of this happen to either of us. I love him, but I'm not enough.