Chapter 5 - A SHATTERED HEART

My mind is confused, still trying to assimilate what is happening. It's all starting to come together now, the way he's always treated me and how he always seems to want to upset me. "You've always known, haven't you?"

"Yini..."

"I need to know, have you always known about my feelings for you?" I just don't want to hear it, but my mouth is moving much faster than I'd like it to. At this point even I myself am surprised at my impulses. I want this feeling to fade.

"It's not like it's some kind of secret either, you go around practically screaming at everyone with the way you act. There's no way anyone wouldn't know." Kaiden's voice increases in pitch, it sounds like he's saying the most obvious thing of all to the dumbest person of all, like he's berating me. Is that how he sees me, like a desperate one? Kaiden seems to realize what he said, or at least the way he said it, as he immediately seems to want to fix it. "What I mean is..."

"Because of the way I act? And how is that, are you talking about the panic attacks for not wanting to ruin everything?" I say clearly hurt, "Or for thinking I possibly had a chance with you?"

Does he just see me as a silly little pitiful girl? Did he think that if I just ignored how I felt about him, the feelings would just go away?

Kaiden runs his hand through his hair, clearly stressed that he doesn't know what to say without it being so painful for me. But no words can fix it. "Listen, it's not my decision whether we can be together, it's just..."

"It's not?" what does he mean by that? This makes me angry. "And it's just what? If it's not your decision, then whose?" he's just now playing games with me? Does he think I'll fall for his lies? "It's just YOUR decision!"

Does he seriously think he can play with me in this disgusting way? If you don't want to be with me, you don't have to give me such stupid excuses, just tell me straight up.

"It's not!" yells Kaiden. His shout made me jump a little from shock and I take a few steps backward, as I didn't expect that reaction. Kaiden notices my reaction and tries to fix it; a clear "I'm sorry" is reflected on his face and he extends his arms, but I don't let him come closer. Even though he looks sorry and even though he tries to move towards me as if he wants to hug me, I move away.

"And why not? Then tell me, who forces you not to be with me? Tell me, who puts a gun to your head and forces you to act the way you always do?" His look is sad with every word that comes out of my mouth, but I can't stop, I want to tell him everything, I want him to know everything, everything I feel. "You just don't know what you want, you're a child playing at being an adult."

His silence is still present, unable to defend himself, as if he's just accepting everything I'm telling him, as if he's accepting his penance. I thought we were friends, maybe not so close, but not distant enough to call us just simple strangers.

"And if you knew, if you really didn't want to be with me, you would have made it clear from the beginning, don't you think? Wouldn't it have been easier for you? I've always felt like you were sending me mixed signals, but I just assumed that my feelings for you weren't letting me see everything clearly, that they were clouding my vision or something, and that I was just lying to myself. That you could never come to love me on your own accord, thinking that maybe if I proposed once and for all I would at least have a slim chance with you and that once and for all everything would work out and I could be with you. But I can see that this is not so, for you will never feel the same as I do." Is this why I waited so long? "Instead, you act as if our feelings are the same, and clearly they are not. At least I'm honest with myself about how I feel about you. I love you, Kaiden."

I've finally said it, I've confessed. Everything I've always wanted to do.

Kaiden reaches over and takes me in his arms, and I let him, for I don't have the strength to push him away from me right now. He embraces me until our bodies seem as one, his lips colliding with mine urgently. He kisses me the way I've always wanted him to kiss me, my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest to join with his, both beating in a single, complicated rhythm. His lips part from mine, leaving behind a feeling of uncontrollable sadness, our breaths panting between us and the taste of his lips on mine. He whispers in a voice that makes me feel every hair on my body, "Do you love me?" His voice is soft, as if he doesn't want to break me any more than he already has.

His question makes me completely shatter because there is no way to deny it under the circumstances, which makes it all the more painful.

"I love you, but... you don't love me."

"Yini, I..." I wait a few seconds, just waiting for him to say what I long for so much, to say that he really does love me, but the answer I want never comes. Instead, his silence envelops me painfully. This is worse than rejection, my heart feels like it's been shattered into millions of particles trying to come together again, and that only makes it more terrible.

"See, you can't even say it under the circumstances. Ha, I always hoped something like this would happen between us, but just now I would have preferred it never happened." I pull away from his body, it's simple as Kaiden's arms let go of me right after the kiss, leaving a void in me. "Goodbye, Kaiden."

I walk out of the apartment without taking a step back, my eyes forward, letting the tears take up my entire face. I'd like to get out of this building faster and get as far away from his apartment as I can, but my legs don't want to get that far away from him, and my mind keeps replaying over and over again if maybe he'll run after me to catch up and stop me from walking away. Maybe there is still hope, but that doesn't happen.

The elevator doors open and I see my reflection in the mirror before running my fingers across my eyes. I walk out of the building wiping the tears from my face and, despite how horrible I feel, I turn to look back, letting go of the last hope I have about us.

Why does love have to hurt so much?