No one is born knowing
Besides the aches and pains, Deanna felt overwhelmed by something else: doubts and fears. She could step onto a stage in a new theater each time, in any European capital, stare at a fixed point and sing without stopping; but this was entirely different. This terrified her.
She began to understand the magnitude of pregnancy when her daughters moved for the first time, when the obstetrician let her hear both little heartbeats and showed her the images of her babies on the screen. Two little people were growing inside her, who would be born completely helpless, depending on her to live.
"I'm scared," she confessed to Leonard one afternoon.
He looked at her, puzzled.
"What are you scared of?"
"All of this," she said, pointing to her belly. "I feel like it's too much."
"What are you talking about? If anyone can do this well, it's you."
"I don't know... I'm terrified, Leonard."
He couldn’t give her much advice about motherhood, much less about raising children. Only one person could clear her doubts and give her reassurance: Philippa.
"When are you going to see Deanna?"
"Tomorrow, Leonard. Why?"
"I talked to her this afternoon and I really didn't know how to help her. I think she needs to talk to you."
"What's going on?"
"She says she's scared... that she doesn't know what she'll do and all that, that she doesn't know how to keep them alive."
"What?"
"Yes, well... fear of the unknown, she's a first-time mother."
"Aah!"
Daniel had the same concern. He could assure her she would do well, that it was normal to be scared; but he wouldn't leave her alone. And, in any case, he decided to turn to the only person he knew who could help her: Camila.
"Can you talk to Deanna, Mom? She's having doubts and fears in her first pregnancy and, honestly, I can support her, but I can't understand her."
"Fear? Of what?"
"She doesn't feel confident. I'd appreciate it if you could say something to encourage her."
"Alright, I'll talk to her, son. Don't worry."
"Thanks, Mom."
Philippa arrived in the morning, knowing she would find her alone.
"Your father called me saying you don't know how you'll keep your daughters alive," she said with an exaggerated grimace.
"Oh, God! He never changes..."
"Tell me, Deanna, what are you afraid of?"
"How did you do it? How were you a mother alone?"
"I wasn't alone, I had your grandmother. But I know what you mean. The truth is, I was scared to death. As you grew inside me, I was filled with doubts: Can I do this right? What will I do if she cries? How will I know if she's hungry? What if she gets sick? I knew nothing, like any first-time mother. And no matter how much your grandmother advised and accompanied me, the fear didn't go away. But then you were born and all those questions answered themselves; I knew what to do when you cried, I knew when you were hungry and when you got sick. I don't know how to explain it, but it's as if all that information came naturally. But if you think it ends there, you're wrong. Then come other fears: How will I keep her safe? How will I know if something's wrong? Should I let her play in the park? Am I raising her right? The truth, Deanna, is that every parent is different, every method or teaching is too. You do the best you can and sometimes more, but you'll never be sure you did everything right. When they grow up enough, you start to feel the satisfaction that what little or much you did worked. You've made me proud since you started walking and you still do to this day. As a mother, I only gave you some tools to face life, the ones I could and knew something about; the rest you learned on your own."
Deanna had tears in her eyes.
"You taught me by example, Mom. You were always strong and a tireless fighter, you and Grandma."
"But I wasn't born knowing that, I learned it along with you. You'll learn it hand in hand with your daughters. You do great with Daniel's kids, with Jonathan. Look how they've gained confidence in themselves, because that's what you and your husband show them: confidence, you encourage and support them. Your daughters will learn what you teach them, what they see around them. Don't overprotect them; care for them, yes, always. But at some point, you'll have to let them fall, get frustrated, cry, feel sad and anxious. It will break your heart, but that lesson in life is as important as love. You'll be a great mother, Deanna, I have no doubt about that."
Philippa did her best to ease her fear; as always, she didn't know if she had succeeded, but at least she tried and would keep trying until her daughter gained confidence. Her mother's honest words gave Deanna a different perspective: mothers make mistakes because they are human; mothers don't know everything because they are human; they make errors like anyone else, have uncertainties like anyone else.
For others, the responsibility is so heavy that they can't clearly distinguish if what they're doing is right or wrong, and there are some who, although it sounds horrible, should simply avoid that task. Deanna wanted to be one of those who give their all, even with mistakes.
"You're fortunate to have a husband who lives for you and your daughters; Daniel must also be going through difficult and doubtful times, even though he has the kids."
"I know, Mom. How he does it is a mystery to me, but he's always present, he hugs me, cries with me... I chose well, didn't I?" she asked with a hint of a smile.
"I had my doubts about him, to be honest. But he's shown he loves you and that he's not a bad man, he makes mistakes like we all do, but yes: you chose well, daughter."
The doubts wouldn't completely disappear, but at least now Deanna knew she would learn everything by watching her daughters grow and that she had a loving family that provided her with security, support, and would never leave her alone. And a husband who made her proud and who would always be there for her.