Chapter 80 Chapter Thirty-Eight Part One - Azadou
I thought I was done walking into unfamiliar terrain; that I no longer had to face the trepidation that comes with confronting the unknown, yet here I am, still feeling like a newborn suckling at the teat of unclaimed knowledge with a desperate thirst for guidance and understanding.
Steeling myself, I knock on Ayawamat’s door. I hear his sigh on the other side of the door, followed by the sounds of him getting up and padding over to the door. He opens it, his arm outstretched against the frame as his rainbow eyes gaze at me with disinterest.
“Yes?” he prompts lazily.
Glancing over his shoulder, I notice the mountains of books open on his bed and scattered across the floor. “Am I interrupting?” I question curiously, suspecting his research pertains to the hunt for his unwanted animai.
“You are, so make it snappy,” he answers brusquely.
I breathe deep into my lungs and speak, “I need your help.”
His eyebrow raises in intrigue. “I’ve been alive a long time, and you’re the first God to ask me for help not once but twice. I’m starting to feel special,” he states with smug amusement, crossing his arms over his chest.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I summon the strength not to flick him across the room or turn him into an insect. I may have learned to temper my baser instincts, but they still very much exist, and I battle with them daily, especially when Ayawamat’s around.
Pushing my way into his room, I close the door behind me, placing a dome of silence around the room. “I don’t want to be coming to you about this or much of anything else, for that matter, and I’m fairly certain you’d rather I not come to you either, but my options are limited, so here I am.”
Ayawamat steps back, his curiosity growing. “What exactly is it you need help with?”
“How do I…romance Orenda?” I breathe out.
He blinks rapidly, filling the room with silence, only to break it by hunching over and cackling. I take another breath, my hands fisted at my sides as I keep myself in check. Don’t swat him like a bug, don’t swat him like a bug.
Ayawamat stands up straight, his body still shaking with laughter as he dabs away the tears from his eyes. “I did not see that coming.” Having all I can take, I turn to leave. “Now, now,” he hurries, rushing over and grabbing me by the arm. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you.”
“I fail to see how your laughter is of any help,” I quietly snarl in displeasure.
“Amazing how you’re a sweet, giant teddy bear when you’re around my sister, but for everyone else you still seem to have a cosmic stick shoved up your ass,” he scoffs.
I raise my brow in challenge, “I’d tread very carefully if I were you, my restraint only goes so far.”
He snorts, “You won’t touch me,” he gloats, “Aside from the fact that you need my help, you know damn well that my sister would rake your essram through the coals if you laid a hand on me,” he utters with a sly smile.
My nostrils flare as I take another deep breath and turn to face him. “Are you going to offer help or continue to test my patience?”
“Well, that depends, do you want to romance her or seduce her?”
I stare back at him as a frown sets across my brow. “What’s the difference?”
He shakes his head with dramatic disappointment. “There is a huge difference; one is about love, the other is about sex. So, which are you aiming for?”
My frown deepens. I want to show Orenda love…but I can’t deny that my desire for her has returned tenfold since we restored our bond. I would love nothing more than to complete our bond, but it’s a step I’m not sure she’s ready for, and I do not wish to push her. Before all of this, I took what I wanted without a care for her needs or wants, but things are different now. I want her to want me. I want her to give me her love and her body because it’s her choice, not because I exerted dominance over her. As thrilling as the images the very thought paints in my mind, the memories of when I did just that have a dark and sinister haze to them that I can’t help but recoil from.
The way I treated her came from a dark and confused place brimming with ruinous yearning and spoke to a darkness deep within her. Since reigniting our bond, I feel a light that has birthed within me, full of warmth and joy. I wish to embrace it and feel its full force. I want to show her that I am worthy of it. Instead of consuming her in my cold darkness, I long to bask in her warm light.
“Surely it is possible to have both…” I ponder aloud.
Ayawamat grins. “Of course, it is. Women have mastered that ability while most men were busy scratching their heads and balls,” he snorts.
“I think I snuffed out that ability in her,” I sigh, reflecting on my lecherous behaviour.
“Could you be any more dense?”
My eyes narrow as I penetrate his mind, dialling up the volume on his thoughts.
“Unbelievable. This motherfucker had the advantage of a partial bond and the added bonus of being able to read minds yet was still fucking clueless.”
“If there is something I lack understanding of, then enlighten me,” I insist, folding my arms over my chest, my height and stature towering over him.
“You know, you two for a time were the perfect representations of nympholepsy in all its glory. You, a man impassioned and aroused by a beautiful young woman – as opposed to a young girl – and Orenda, a woman driven into a wild frenzy by her desire for an unattainable ideal. You were practically possessed by emotions that were foreign to you, while Orenda was driven by her desire to receive your love, to the point that there wasn’t anything she wasn’t willing to do or endure to obtain it.”
I stare at him in bewilderment. “You’re saying Orenda gave in to me…out of love?”
Ayawamat throws his hands up, cheering at the ceiling, “Finally! He gets it!” He looks back at me, “I know that you’re new to love, so let me tell you that love isn’t just this beautiful thing that comes wrapped in a bow made from hugs and kisses. It can be ugly and toxic, and if you haven’t realised it yet, can manifest into malice just as much as it can into benevolence.”
His words speak volumes as I recall encountering humans whose malicious stench held a different odour compared to others around them. Their malice wasn’t forged from hatred or apathy, but an emotion I didn’t have a name for at the time. It intrigued me. I now know that feeling to be love. It was from this strong, unyielding sense of love that they were willing to inflict and wish great harm on others. If what Ayawamat says is true, then Orenda never submitted to me because I forced her to; she did it willingly. She did it out of love.
Is that what love is? Surrendering to another person, even if it hurts or scares you? All in hopes that they do the same for you in return? I thought I knew the depths of Orenda’s bravery, but she continues to surprise me. From the moment we met, she demonstrated that she had more courage than I had convinced myself I had. She stood in front of giants in her most vulnerable form and showed no fear… For me… She did it for me…
Looking down at Ayawamat, my arms fall lax at my sides. “Then tell me how do I both love and seduce her? How do I make her unattainable ideal attainable?” I beseech him.
“I may have some ideas…” he intones, tapping his chin.
Whatever his ideas are, I’m open to them.
There’s nothing I won’t do for Orenda.