Chapter 79 Chapter Thirty-Seven - Orenda
I have never been happier than I am right now. Every sound that comes out of Xiema is aimed directly at my heart, and I can’t get enough of it. When my bond with Azadou clicked the first time we met, it brought out an intense and unhealthy addiction in me. I think my addiction to my daughter has surpassed even that, but the jury is still out on how healthy it is or isn’t. All I want to do is hold her, love her, make her smile and take in every precious moment I have with her. I didn’t know I could love someone this much, but what I do know is that for as long as I live, I will do everything in my power to protect her, no matter what, and I’m not the only one.
I thought Azadou was attentive of me during my pregnancy, but holy crap! Azadou is Super Dad. The moment she makes so much as a tiny murmur, he’s right there. It’s almost to the point that we’re both fighting – playfully – over who gets to hold our daughter, and doting Uncle Aya just loves acting as the tiebreaker. One of Azadou’s favourite things to do is give Xiema her bath, and it is truly the most precious thing I have ever witnessed. He’s so tender with her and always finds a way to keep her entertained, so now she loves bath time with her dad almost as much as he does.
A couple months ago, I was so sure that I’d be dead, and I would never get to spend a single day with my baby. The fact that I’m here to experience this immense joy…there are no words to describe the feeling.
“Alright, you can hand her over to me or her dad, but you have to pick one,” insists Aya, hovering over me.
I look up from my spot on the carpet as I entertain Xiema with an adorable mobile. “Why do I have to pick anyone? Xiema and I are perfectly happy as we are, thank you very much,” I answer with mild irritation.
“Orenda, you haven’t shifted in months. It’ll be good for you to stretch your wings out,” he insists.
A frown sets across my face as an unpleasant knot tightens in my gut. “It’s not a use it or lose it kind of thing, Aya. I’ll shift when I feel like it,” I state apprehensively, picking Xiema off the floor and holding her to my chest, breathing in her scent and letting it comfort me.
“Orenda…”
Shivers roll down my spine as Azadou’s deep yet soft voice utters my name, his tongue caressing each letter as if it takes pleasure from the word. I look over as he strides towards me, his expression tender and eyes intense as they gaze at me filled with compassion. He kneels beside me and skims the back of his fingers against my cheek, his touch like pleasurable flames licking at my skin, sending waves of heat through my body. My eyes briefly flutter closed as I lean into his touch before I force them open so I can focus on him and not the way his touch makes me feel.
“I get it; you’re scared to be away from her for even a moment, but you need this. Don’t you want our daughter to see how amazing her mother is?” His words are warm and tender, a gentle smile on his lips as he tries to ease my fears.
He’s right. I miss being in the air…but I’m terrified of leaving Xiema. I know she couldn’t be safer, but it doesn’t make the fear I have go away.
“I don’t think I can…” I whisper.
With kind eyes, he holds out his arms. “I will hold her the entire time, I promise. You have to do this, for your sake and hers,” he urges.
Taking a deep, jagged breath, I look down at Xiema and see her staring at me, her tiny hand wrapped around a lock of my hair, not inducing a single wave of anxiety within me. I stare into her beautiful, one-of-a-kind eyes; irises purple and electric like her father, with holographic pupils nestled in their centre. She’s remarkable from head to toe. I want her to be strong and have the courage to face any future fear she may have, and the only way to teach her that is by example.
My hands shake as I gently detach Xiema’s hand from my hair and hand her to Azadou, my heart pounding as I feel her warmth disappear from my arms. Holding her securely in one arm – her tiny body almost disappearing into his biceps – he helps me to stand up with him.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Aya checks, his eyes patient and understanding.
I draw air into my lungs and slowly shake my head. “No. I need to do this alone.”
“You’ve got this,” he enlivens with a warm smile.
The nerves double their efforts as we make our way outside, each step feeling like I’m marching towards the gallows. It’s ridiculous. I can’t count how many times I’ve shifted or flown in my life. Doing so has felt as effortless as breathing, yet now, the thought fills me with trepidation, all because I can’t bear the thought of being parted from my baby. I can handle being in a different room from her – though just barely – but this…I can’t explain why, it just feels different.
Aya opens the door, a crisp breeze wafting in, bringing with it the fresh scent of spring. I can see the leaves and colour returning to the surrounding forest as the sound of animals now awakened from hibernation, going about their day, fills my ears. I look down at Xiema, smiling as her cherub face takes in the beauty of the forest around us. There is so much wonder and understanding in her eyes that it fills me with much-needed courage. I reach down and brush my nose tenderly against hers, my smile widening as she touches my face and graces me with her gummy smile, melting my heart just as the spring has melted the icy winter.
Azadou plants a soft kiss on my forehead, once again engulfing me with fire at his touch as the hairs of his goatee tickle my skin. “Don’t think about it,” he suggests.
“You know, for someone who has only truly lived in the world for less than a year total, you’re getting pretty good at pep talks,” I tease with a playful smile.
Azadou chuckles, shaking his head. “I notice it helps when you care about the person you’re giving the pep-talk to,” he replies with an affectionate smile.
A sense of warmth, pride, and something I dare not name creeps deep inside me through our partially completed bond, and I feel my cheeks flushing at the sensation. Taking a deep breath, I walk down the black, stone steps, their appearance like wet tar, though unfortunately, lacking the tenacious hold that tar possesses.
I step onto the leafy ground, the sound of twigs and leaves crunching beneath my feet as I close my eyes and take a few calming breaths. I try to focus on the comforting emotions coming from Azadou instead of the overwhelming anxiety within myself, and it seems to help.
“Some time this century would be nice!” Aya calls out, earning a snarl of disapproval from Azadou. “Oh, go snarl at someone else, Cujo,” Aya claps back, making me cough out a laugh.
“What’s a Cujo?” Azadou asks in confusion.
I bite my lips together, holding back my laughter, but I have to admit, the interaction is doing a great job at distracting me from my anxiety. Knowing my brother, that was very likely his intention.
“We so need to work on your pop-culture references,” answers Aya with mock concern.
Smiling at their light banter, I focus on the power within me, letting it come forward in a comforting and familiar surge of electricity. I let the feeling take over, noticing how much more intense it is now as my human form is replaced by my bird one. My stature grows, the ground getting further away as I unfurl my wings and let out a loud squawk as currents of electricity flow through every feather on my body. I feel the strength and power coursing through me like never before, bringing with it an overwhelming sense of elation and freedom I haven’t felt in months.
The sounds of cheerful cooing have me turning around, my heart swelling as I see Xiema smiling ear-to-ear, her body jiggling and jostling joyfully in her father’s arms as she looks up at me excitedly. I tuck in my wings and step closer to the stone porch, my talons digging into the earth. I slowly lean down and ever so slightly nudge her cheek with my beak. I almost explode with happiness when she coos in delight, reaching out and touching my beak. She’s not scared of me, even a little bit. In fact, she seems to completely understand that I’m her mother, even though I look completely different.
“I think she likes this side of you,” Azadou observes, looking from Xiema to me with a bright smile.
“She should. At the end of the day, she’s half raitruum. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has the ability to shift,” Aya casually remarks.
Azadou and I both stare down at Xiema, her face beaming with happiness while she sucks on her hand without a care in the world. The thought of Xiema sharing my gift and being able to share the beauty of the sky with her has my fears slowly fading into the recesses of my mind. I turn around, intentionally swatting Aya in the face as I put some distance between me and them.
“Hey!” he sputters, smacking my tail away. “I don’t think your animai appreciates you shaking your tail feathers in another man’s face,” Aya taunts.
“Actually, I found it rather amusing,” Azadou chirps.
The change in this man is insane!
With one more look back at Xiema, I spread my wings, and with a single, powerful flap, I take off into the air. I rocket past the treetops and into the sky within seconds, breaking through the clouds. I let out a squawk of exhilaration as I leisurely glide over the sea of white beneath me, angling from side to side, letting my wings cut through the clouds. I breathe the fresh, cold air deep into my lungs as the wind breezes through my feathers, greeting me like an old friend.
I look ahead, a smile deep in my essram as I take in the radiant majesty that is the white light of the sun. I feel its warmth on my feathers as it casts its glow across the clouds, embracing me as I start to truly feel reborn. With power and happiness spreading through my limbs like jet fuel, I take off at top speed, chasing the sun once more, leaving all my fears and all my pain behind me as I fly into my future with open wings and an open heart.