Chapter 86 Chapter Eighty-Six - Jartre
Instant relief washes over me when Gabriella finally appears. She crawls onto the bed, collapsing and snuggling up to me, wrapping her arms tight around my body and nuzzling against my chest, setting my body ablaze. I put the TV on mute, wrap my arms around her and plant a tender kiss on the top of her head.
“How did it go?”
“I knew it would be emotional but…that was even harder than I anticipated,” she exhales.
I gently comb my fingers through her green locks as I tenderly run my fingers up and down her arm, her scent swirling around the room putting me at peace. “Did Fretez put up a fight?”
She shakes her head, “No, she was very sympathetic and understood why I wanted to do this and said that ultimately it’s my decision and she no longer has a say on the matter. That alone is crazy to me. I mean… having the power to move the spirits of the dead from one plane of existence to another…it’s insane to think that’s something I can do now.”
“And how did the young Alpha handle it?”
“I think it helped give her the peace she needed, or at least was a step towards it. I know how it feels to be an orphan and it still hurts knowing that my parents missed out on every major milestone in my life. Most days I don’t think about it, but then there are days when something exciting happens and you remember that for people around you, the first thing they do is rush to tell their parents and I can’t do that, so there’s always this moment where that loss hits hard, but then you just have to dust yourself off and keep going.”
“Have you considered going into the Veil to see them?” I gently ask.
She takes a deep breath and tightens her hold on me, “I have, but I don’t think I’m ready. I think I want to figure the new me out first and how all these powers work before I can even think of opening that emotional door, especially because I know it would be a slippery slope.”
“Your maturity and wisdom continue to amaze me,” I say, kissing her forehead.
“Comes with the whole Goddess thing, I guess,” she shrugs.
“No, you’ve been like this since I met you. You’ve always been perceptive, mature and wise beyond your years. Just look at me. I’m a God and have been one longer than anyone can count, but that doesn’t make me wise.”
“Or mature,” she nods in agreement.
I give her ass a light whack, which only makes her giggle. “Point is, those are all fundamental parts of you and always have been. The cosmos doesn’t deserve the credit for that.”
She smiles up at me, her stunning silver eyes twinkling like stars. I miss the glacial green that used to stare right through my being. All these months later and I’m still adjusting to the changes, but all I have to do is hold her tight to remember that she’s still the Gabriella I love with all my heart.
“Now it’s your turn.”
I frown in confusion, “My turn to what?”
“To go do some healing.”
“And just who or what am I meant to be healing exactly?” I ask suspiciously.
“Oshmin,” she says bluntly.
Talk about souring the mood.
I detach her arms from around my waist and get up, slipping a shirt on over my head. I go to take a step only to find my feet planted firmly in the carpet. I use all my strength to lift my foot but as I do the carpet becomes a gum-like consistency pulling up with me. I look back and see Gabriella sitting up on her knees with her hand outstretched.
“What the fuck Gabriella?!” I bellow in stunned irritation. Though I admit I’m simultaneously impressed. She’s catching onto her gifts faster and faster by the day. It’s only been a couple months, but she’s already a natural. Not that I should be surprised. “You’re resorting to magical tactics now?”
“Yes,” she grins proudly. “This would usually be the part where you storm off like the grumpy God you are, and I just realised I can actually stop you from doing that now. So, I’m not letting you do it this time.”
“Gabriella, I–”
“Don’t finish that sentence because it would be a lie if you did. You have used your powers to meddle in my life on more than one occasion, so don’t act like you haven’t.” That constantly being able to foresee what I’ll say or do before I do it is going to get real old, real fast. “You need to set things right with Oshmin. I know you don’t want to talk to him or confront him and the very unpleasant past you two have, but it’s time to bury the hatchet,” she says softly.
“Thirty-thousand years of ignoring each other seems to work just fine,” I shrug, folding my arms over my chest.
Gabriella glares at me as she gets off the bed and stands in front of me. It’s so weird not having to look down at her anymore. I miss her adorable human height. I felt like I could just pick her up and put her in my pocket. Now she’s my formidable equal in every way, which is both frustrating and hot as hell. This woman truly knows how to drive me to madness.
“Jartre, he saved my life, and you haven’t even said ‘thank you’ to him. How the fuck is that fair?” she snaps.
I avoid looking at her because as per-fucking-usual, she’s right. I know I wouldn’t be here with Gabriella if it weren’t for Oshmin. I’ve fucked with his life on more than one occasion and nearly killed his animai, yet when the chance came to save mine, he didn’t even hesitate. I hate feeling indebted to him after all the bad blood between us, and I hate admitting it even more.
She frees my feet from their bindings and steps closer. “Why is it so hard for you to forgive him? He never betrayed you on purpose. I thought we agreed Apaki was the Goddess of Cunts and is the true person responsible for all this, so why are you so determined to hold onto this animosity with Oshmin when he is even more of a victim of all of this than you are?” she questions with a perplexed look on her face, looking deep into my eyes for the answers to her questions.
I look back at her and let out a deep sigh. I hate having to confront feelings and emotions. For so long I’ve worked hard to avoid delving too deep into those, even going so far as to convince myself they were simply mortal constructs, but I know Gabriella won’t let me run from them anymore. There are moments where I feel like I have the strength to face the pain and the guilt, but then a moment later that wave of confidence vanishes and the thought of facing my demons becomes too painful.
I sit on the edge of the bed and run my fingers through my hair as I expel the air from my lungs. “What’s the worst thing you have ever done?”
She looks deep in thought as she thinks that over, “Agreed to fulfil a prophecy that unleashed a hoard of shadow demons and a shadow God. That’s pretty up there.”
“You did that while trying to do something good. You were thinking about the positives of doing that and wanting to make those a reality, it’s not the same thing. You’ve never intentionally tried to hurt anyone. Just try to picture putting all your energy and effort into tormenting another person, only to then have to reflect on the fact that person was innocent and didn’t deserve it.” I look up at her as I try to wrack my brain for a human comparison. “Imagine you were on a jury as part of the human legal system, and you go into lengthy deliberation on a man’s guilt to the point you even convince the other jurors to vote guilty. The man is found guilty and then is put to death. Then you find out years later he was innocent and the person who really committed the crimes got off because of your actions.”
She looks uncomfortable but sits beside me, “I would be traumatised and disgusted with myself. I don’t think I’d be able to live with the guilt. It’s definitely why I hoped I’d never get called for jury duty.”
“That’s how I feel. I…am scared to face Oshmin because that means I have to face and accept the fact I was a horrible, vile, vengeful God who destroyed the life of someone I called my friend all because of a woman who didn’t deserve my love,” I sigh in defeat.
Gabriella wraps her arms around me and pulls me close, laying my head on her shoulder. “You need to tell him that. If he wants to hate you and be mad at you, then he has every right to, and you need to let him. Think of this like the Twelve Step Program.”
“The what?”
“A lot of humans who enter sobriety after battling addiction do what’s known as a Twelve Step Program, and one of those steps is making amends to those you hurt or wronged during your addiction. One of the key parts of this step is that you have to accept that you are not owed forgiveness. You can go to those you hurt, acknowledge the pain you caused and the wrongs you have done them and let them know you are working towards being a better person, but you cannot expect them to take it well, forgive you, or even give a shit. That’s because you have to accept the consequences of your actions. You hurt a lot of people very badly and in Oshmin’s case, you fucked him up in a lot of ways. If he wants to hate you forever that’s just a pill you’re going to have to swallow.”
“That’s what I’m so afraid of,” I say apprehensively, reaching up and holding onto her wrist.
“I know, but you have to confront that fear. Everyone deserves the chance to move on but you have to take the first step,” she gently encourages.
I sigh, leaning my forehead against hers, relishing the burn of her flesh against mine. “I wish I had your strength.”
“You don’t need it when you’ve got me.” She leans in, placing her lips on mine and I seize them eagerly, escaping for a moment into the fire of her lips to wash away the trepidation and guilt I know I must face. For thirty-thousand years I’ve played the asshole. I hardened my heart to protect it so I could never relive that pain ever again, but now it’s time to let it go and to do that, I have to fall on my sword.