Chapter 54 Chapter Fifty-Four - Jartre
“I don’t want to hear another lame, bullshit excuse you pull out of your ass. You cursed Oshmin, so the sanguidae are your fault. Your curse is why they exist, so guess what? You meddle just as much as the others, maybe even more so. Or did you forget that you had Merlos turn my neighbour into a visum?” she says bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest as she stares me down.
I stare up at her rendered utterly speechless.
She’s right. AGAIN. I did all of that. Fuck…I am as bad as the others. No, I’m actually worse. They – well most – did what they did to protect people. Outside of Ayawamat and Orenda, my actions were fuelled by anger and revenge. There was nothing pure or noble in my actions. And I did get Merlos to place her curse on someone – I still feel she deserved it, of course. Fact of the matter is, I’m a bigger hypocrite than I thought. I go around bitching about the other Gods altering the course of the lives of humans when I’ve done the same fucking thing.
Somehow this confession feels more like an intervention. I’m realising I have more to confess to than I realised, and I haven’t even addressed the reason I brought this up in the first place…I think I killed the holiday.
She takes a deep breath, calming herself before she speaks. Well, calming herself on the outside I should say, because what I’m picking up on the inside is a different story. Kind of glad I can’t feel the full force of her emotions right now.
“I know there’s more, I can feel it bubbling inside you like a pressure cooker. You wanted to get this off your conscience so…please continue,” she says on an exhale.
Sucking air into my lungs, I brace myself for Gabriella’s disgust.
“Yildiz didn’t know Oshmin was Oshmin. She didn’t know he was a God. He played up the whole sanguidae thing, even gave her an alias…just knowing that, filled me with disgust. I wanted to hurt him. And I used her and the sanguidae to do it. I wanted her to reject him. I began appearing in her dreams, taking his form…I hurt her mentally and physically. I nearly even killed her, which I swear was never my intention. My anger just got the better of me,” I sigh in shame.
“Your anger always seems to get the better of you Jartre. It seems more dangerous and lethal than all your powers combined.”
“There’s definitely truth to that,” I sigh. “She just kept fighting for him, defending him and giving him these chances when all he did was deceive her.”
“So did you!” she exclaims incredulously.
Called out again.
“It all came to blows in the end. Literally. We fought, and Yildiz was horribly affected by the fight. I didn’t…I didn’t understand how the bond worked, not completely. I didn’t know that by hurting him I was hurting her…but I’m not even sure he cared, because it didn’t stop him. Worked out for them in the end. Last I checked they’re fully bonded and she’s a demi-goddess now. After she was done hating him for deceiving her, of course.”
Gabriella sighs and kneels in front of me. “Please tell me that you heard what I heard when you said all that.”
“That I’m an asshole?”
“Aside from that. Firstly, how someone else chooses to fuck up their own life is none of your goddamn business. You inserted yourself into a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with you and then you made it about you, very much like what you did regarding my ex. You made it personal and hurt people in the process, not just hurt, you killed people. You murdered innocent people,” she says with tears in her eyes.
The moment I see the glistening water building in her eyes I feel my heart splinter in my chest. I don’t want to be the cause of those tears. I can’t stomach it.
“I know that! Dammit, Gabriella, I know that! I wish I could go back to living in an ambivalent mindset, but I can’t anymore. You entered my life and now all I want is to be someone worthy of you, but when I look at you or think about you and how good and kind you are, I realise I am a dark and tainted being who doesn’t have a right to touch your light. Just the fact you’re shedding tears for people you never knew proves that you’re a pure soul. I want to be worthy of you and I want to be a good person, but I can’t erase my past. I can’t travel back in time and undo what I’ve done, no God can!” I hang my head, hands fisting my hair as I lean my elbows on my knees.
I feel the burning of her touch as her hands wrap around my wrists. I glance up only to notice she’s trying to pull my arms down. I relent and lower my arms for her.
“You could have kept this all a secret and I’d never be the wiser. Why tell me all of this and risk me finding this too much to take?” she gently asks, her glacial eyes holding my own.
“Because since finding you, I feel like I’ve done wrong by everyone and everything and I see now how true that is. How I let my anger and hurt infect everything around me. I don’t want to infect you. I want you to be the one thing I do right. I don’t want to lie or deceive you. You have proudly shown me all there is of you…I needed you to see all there is of me, the good and the bad, and decide for yourself if I’m still a being you can love,” I say, my voice trembling as I feel tears building in my eyes and blurring my vision.
I’ve never been the type to get emotional or be vulnerable and cry. Being with her is like every wall I spent thousands of years building up and holding in place, is coming crashing down. The dam that was held back on the other side is now breaking through and I’m feeling things I’ve never felt, or at least things I’ve tried to avoid feeling.
Gabriella sighs, then surprises me by climbing onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, and stroking my hair with tender caresses. Fearing I could lose her at any moment, I wrap my arms around her, burying my nose in her hair as I breathe in her scent as if it were oxygen.
“I don’t and will never excuse what you have done. No one can. You have hurt so many people, and while I stand by the fact that I have no place as a human to judge the actions of a God, there are clearly things you have done that were done with the worst of intent and forethought. I can’t condone that.”
“I would never expect you to.”
“But at the same time, I love you. You’re a stubborn bastard with a past so black it’s trying to keep the sun from ever shining on your life ever again, but that doesn’t erase how I feel for you. It’s like…It’s like I’ve entered the life of an addict at the very moment they have realised their addiction and are now on the road to recovery and atoning for their sins. This is your turning point, and if you have any hope of getting through it, recovering for your sake and the sake of others, then I need to support you, not condemn you for your past.” She pulls back, cupping my face in her hands as she looks at me.
“Does that mean you won’t reject me?” I hesitantly ask.
“I don’t abandon people, especially not when I see how hard they’re trying to do the right thing. I believe there are things in this world that can’t or shouldn’t be forgiven, and I don’t think anyone you’ve hurt owes you forgiveness. But I also don’t think wanting to see the worst in people or preventing them from ever trying to redeem themselves, makes the world a better place. You’re trying and most people never do. Mitchell and Julie are prime examples.”
“I meant every word. I will do whatever it takes to be what you deserve,” I say fervently.
“I’m glad I’m such a motivator, but don’t do it for me. Do it for you. Do it because you realise it’s the right thing to do. Jartre, I will be by your side, holding your hand every step of the way, but if you’re serious about making up for the past, then there is more you need to do than just being open with me,” she says, her eyes boring into mine.
“And that is?” I ask cautiously.
“You need to talk to Oshmin. You two need to finally sit down and have a discussion and get it all out on the table, and you need to lift his curse,” she says pointedly. I go to speak but she quickly places her hand over my mouth. “No buts, no excuses. You have punished him long enough for being the victim of the same bitch who hurt you. Enough is enough. You need to move on. You need to make peace with him. You don’t have to do it now, but you need to think this over and when you’re ready, finally bury this hatchet.”
I tuck her golden hair behind her ear, admiring the way it glows like a sunset from the light of the fire. I’m not ready to talk to Oshmin just yet. He tried to make peace with me five years ago and I wasn’t ready then. Gabriella is right, and…this is definitely something I need to do, but I’m going to need some mental preparation before that happens. But I think there is something else I can do in the meantime to show I am ready to move forward.
“You’re right, and I promise to work on that, but until that day comes, there’s something else I need to do.”
“Oh God, not another confession,” she says getting agitated. “I swear, I can only take so much, Jartre.”
I smile softly, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. “No more confessions.” I point up at the sky. “Do you see this constellation?”
She looks up to the sky, scanning over every star shining above us. “Um, no. I just see stars.
Effortlessly I push my energy from my body, twisting my hand as I manipulate the stars of Apaki’s constellation, making each star burn brighter than the stars around it.
“What about now?”
Her eyes widen. “I can see it! I can see a face and hair…” she asks in bewilderment.
“I made that constellation for Apaki a very long time ago. A declaration of my love. Something I made for her that has only ever made me look up at the sky with contempt.”
She caresses my cheek, looking at me with sad eyes as sympathy swirls around inside her. “I’m sorry. You really did put your whole heart on the line, and she just ripped it to pieces.”
“She did, but it’s time I let go. I love you. I love how you make me feel and it’s a love I have never known. I’m done holding onto an imaginary love when I have the real thing right here in my arms.” I lean my forehead against hers, brushing my nose tenderly against hers. “You’re all I want.”
Gabriella places a soft and tender kiss on my lips, a gentle declaration of how much she cares for me. I look up one final time at the last remaining image of Apaki and say my final farewells. No longer will I let myself be governed by a dark past but instead enlightened by a bright future.
I throw my hand out, throwing my magic out at full force as Gabriella and I watch every star in Apaki’s constellation explode in a shower of light across the night sky. I hold her tight, leaning my head on her shoulder as I feel an enormous weight being lifted off me as the last hold Apaki had on me rains across the sky like a grand meteor shower.
“I’m proud of you,” Gabriella whispers, her lips brushing against my forehead as she wraps her arms around me.
For the first time in thirty thousand years, I feel like I’m finally moving on.