Chapter 53 Chapter Fifty-Three - Jartre
While I sit on the sand, ocean waves sending a soft, warm breeze blowing through my hair, I stare into the crackling embers of the warm bonfire I’ve conjured, reflecting on how perfect today has been.
It’s day two of enjoying this little slice of heaven I have created for Gabriella and me and there’s only one way to describe it: bliss. We talked, swam, and I showed her things my magic can do that I had never even thought to do before because I had no reason to before her. I watched her practice an upcoming dance routine, something I could have watched for eternity. She was worried I would be bored, felt neglected or that she was squandering our time together, but her worries were unfounded.
When Gabriella dances or sings, she lights up a room. It’s like I can see her soul shining through, touching everyone and everything around her. The joy and peace she feels when she’s performing is something I’ve never experienced, and while I envy her for that, being able to feel those emotions through her is like a taste of heaven. She is talented beyond measure, and there is no way I could ever feel bored watching her. How can you feel stultified watching your soulmate bare their soul in front of you?
I’ve never felt this happy and peaceful a day in my very long life and as much as I want to step into our future together and let myself be happy just as I told her, I don’t feel that I deserve it.
Gabriella knows my dark past in great detail thanks to Ezillus. She knows of the death and carnage I caused and for some reason accepts it, but there’s a piece of the story she’s missing. One last piece of my past I haven’t shared, and it seems neither did Ezillus. If I am truly to move forward, then I have one final confession to make, and I’m not sure how she will look at me after this. This isn’t like excusing something from thousands of years ago due to some magically induced psychotic break, this is something far more recent where I was in complete control of my actions. I need to confess my sins, myself this time. Not have someone do it for me.
I scrub my hands down my face as I glance up at the night sky. Millions of stars shine bright, but still, those stars mock me. I look towards the house when I hear the pattering of slow footsteps, I wait and watch patiently as I see Gabriella walk down the stairs and make her way through the house. I wonder if there will come a day when the sight of her doesn’t take my breath away. Her tussled golden hair, her adorable long-sleeve tie-dye night shirt hanging off her shoulder in that innocent yet sultry way I love while her matching short-shorts allow me to soak up her luxuriously long legs.
She makes her way down the steps, walking across the sand and coming to sit beside me. She wraps her arms around mine making my body rejoice at her touch as she leans her head against my shoulder. Unable to resist, I lean down, kiss the top of her head and inhale her sweet, intoxicating scent.
“I woke up and you weren’t in bed. Is everything alright?” she asks, looking up at me, concern filling her pale eyes.
I rub her hand as I look back into the fire. “I was thinking about how happy I am. How happy being here with you makes me.”
“You don’t sound happy or feel it. You feel…anxious.”
“You’re getting very good at that,” I praise her.
“What are you anxious about?” Her thumb rhythmically brushes against my bicep in a calming gesture, and I am grateful for the action.
“Gabriella…why did you accept me? Knowing everything I did in my past.” I summon the courage to look at her and take in her words.
She sits in quiet contemplation for a moment before answering. “Did you know guinea pig is the national dish of Peru?”
I blink rapidly, confused and thrown off by her very off-topic question. “Um, no? What the hell does Peru and guinea pig have to do with anything?” I ask looking utterly baffled.
“Most Americans would hear that and weep for the poor little animal because people tend to have them as pets. Or they’d cry out in outrage because in their mind that’s wrong. Just because we as a separate society chose to make them cute little house pets, doesn’t make another society’s decision to make them a delicacy and way to feed their people, wrong. Like for most people in India harming a cow is sacrilege, but most of us Americans are going down to the local burger joint and eating them by the pound.”
“I have no idea where you’re going with this,” I say in absolute confusion.
“My point is, I’m America and you’re Peru. You have lived in a world with a completely different way of doing things because you are fundamentally different. It’s not fair for me to judge the actions of a celestial being from another realm because they don’t line up with the way we humans handle things. Everything Ezillus said was upsetting and alarming, but there wasn’t something about the way they said it. They were sad and concerned for you and your well-being and everyone else’s during all that, but they didn’t judge you or hate you. They didn’t even seem all that bothered, and it wasn’t because they lacked empathy, it was because for you guys, duking it out through cataclysmic levels of magic is normal. I may not understand it, but I can break it down to a place where I can. You were wrong, you were hurt, you spiralled and ended up doing some very bad things that you regret. At the most basic level, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t done that at some point in their life.”
“I killed people, Gabriella,” I say forcefully. Is she not getting that? We’re not fucking talking about eating a different kind of red or white meat here for fuck sake.
“And according to Christians, their God made mankind and then didn’t like the job he did and killed every single person he created except some animals, a dude and his family and one big ass boat, but you don’t see Christians going around calling him a murder,” she says flippantly.
I roll my eyes. “I’m talking about something real, something I really did.”
“And I’m trying to tell you that as much as we can preach morality, morality is subjective. You can’t paint every situation with the same brush. Murder is wrong, but you hear a woman somewhere killed the man who had her locked up in his basement for ten years as his slave, and suddenly we rejoice in her actions.” She lets my arm go and angles herself to better look at me. “I don’t get it, it’s like you want me to be mad at you and call you a monster for something that happened before I was even an ovum.”
“It’s not that,” I say in agitation, fisting my hair in my hands.
“Then what is it?”
“Not all my sins are in the past, Gabriella. Some of them are far more recent,” I say quietly, the memories creeping to the front of my mind like shadows devouring light.
“What do you mean?” she gently prompts.
I breathe air deeply into my lungs and look at her. “Five years ago I learned that Oshmin was blessed with an animai.”
She blinks at me in surprise. “So, you’re not the first God Zarseti gave one to?”
I shake my head. “She paired him with one of her daughters. An irshiust by the name of Yildiz.”
“Those truth warriors she made?”
I nod. “I was…enraged, for so many reasons. I was angry because I didn’t understand why he was being given such a gift while I was still suffering.”
“Didn’t you curse him?”
“Big deal, I made him crave blood. I didn’t pull a Merlos and leave him unable to touch or get close to people. Every sanguidae who came along, he treated like his children. That motherfucker spent all these years playing the victim. He abandoned the very nagata he created, and even though he formed bonds with the sanguidae, he kept choosing seclusion. Everywhere he had people who respected him, worshipped him, and cared for him, while everyone saw me as the evil scary monster, and he didn’t give a flying fuck. Until Apaki, I was always alone. She was all I had, and it turns out I never even had her,” I say, my anger and despair creeping up as my hands form tight fists.
Gabriella reaches out, placing her hand over mine. “You were jealous. I can understand that. You were friends once, right?” she carefully asks.
I scoff but don’t deny it. Once upon a time, I did call him friend.
“You believe your friend betrayed you, and it doesn’t sound like he ever reached out to set the record straight. Neither of you handled that situation the right way, and you both went to extremes, but I get it. It really makes me want to knock this Apaki bitch’s teeth out,” she says with disdain.
Her rage at my mistreatment and need to protect me coming through our bond calms me a little and reminds me once again that what we have is real. Apaki never would have fought for me or wanted to protect me. Apaki cared about herself and what new way she could think of to get herself off. Gabriella is a pure soul who is fiercely protective of those she loves, and I’m lucky enough to be one of those people.
At least for the next few minutes.
I sigh and take her hand in mine, kissing it softly. “You’re right, and up until now I was too hurt and too stubborn to admit any of that.”
“You’re still stubborn, but I’m starting to like that about you. It keeps things interesting,” she says with a playful smile.
I chuckle, smiling at my Starlight affectionately before letting my face fall. “And that’s the other reason I was angry. When I realised I had been given you as a gift, all I could think about was how the hell it could work and…could I be worthy of your love? Want to know what Oshmin did? He went to Zarseti and demanded she undo her magic. Maybe it would kill Yildiz, maybe not, maybe it would just cause her unimaginable agony, he didn’t fucking care. He was so determined to keep throwing a pity party he was willing to throw away a precious gift. A gift I didn’t feel he deserved it.”
“You did something, didn’t you,” she says knowingly, her eyes peering through this vessel of a body and deep into my essram where nothing is hidden from her.
I nod. “I did a lot of things. Gabriella…I…I killed the sanguidae in Oshmin’s care,” I say, closing my eyes tight in shame as images of terrified faces exploding in a shower of blood fill my vision, followed by the memory of me painting a message on the wall in their blood…
I didn’t just kill them, I slaughtered them.
“You what?” she whispers, though her voice is still perfectly clear to my ears.
“I got so angry about everything. I wanted to hurt him. He was given everything, and he was taking it for granted…so I wanted to take everything away.” I look away, unable to see the nauseated feeling she has right now reflected in her beautiful eyes.
“You murdered innocent people in cold blood…”
“They were already dead,” I feebly defend myself.
“Don’t even try that, Jartre,” she snaps, yanking her hand out of mine so quickly it leaves my palm stinging from the cold left behind. “You know damn well they were innocent, living, breathing people. You wouldn’t feel so shit if you didn’t know that. You wouldn’t consider this a confession if you didn’t know that.”
I glance at her only to be met with a look of revulsion. I’d be concerned if she didn’t have that reaction, yet seeing it is agonising all the same.
I nod in agreement, knowing I can’t repudiate her words. I’d be stupid to try.
“You’re absolutely right, and you’ll hate me for this, but I’ve always had…well, a hatred for supernatural beings…”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she says in disbelief.
“Before you go calling me a hypocrite, what I mean is, I am strongly against those who were once human, being turned into something they were never meant to be.”
“You literally made supernatural beings. I met one of them, Jartre,” she argues, her face getting red with frustration.
“Ayawamat was never human, neither was Orenda. I didn’t take two human beings and turn them into something they weren’t and change their way of life. I created them. They were literally born this way the same way I was. The other Gods tend to turn humans into this or that and I don’t think it’s okay. Sanguidae are dead people who…”
“Are your fault!”
I look at her, ready to argue when she rises to her feet. If she has to stand, then she’s got a hell of a lot to say to me.