Chapter 38 Chapter Thirty-Eight - Jartre
How I despise this realm.
Yes, this is where I was born – if that’s even the right word – but it’s not home. Being here only reminds me of the past, so I avoid returning and find spending my time on Earth far more soothing. The only reason I’m here now is that I’m struggling to quell my anger, and I already know the damage I did to Earth the last time I couldn’t control myself, and I don’t wish for that to happen again. This entire realm is made of pure magic, so it’s less susceptible to my destructive forces.
I have places where I reside, but none that I’ve ever truly called home. The first time I felt I’d found my home was when I first laid eyes on Gabriella. My essram felt at peace the moment I held her in my arms, and I feel at home each time I’m with her. Being lightyears away from her feels like torture. I ache to be at her side, but would she even want me? After the way she looked at me, would she ever welcome me back? Would she ever let me hold her in my arms again? To breathe in her ambrosial scent and feel the fervid burn of her skin on mine. Maybe Ezillus is right. I’m so consumed by the memory of what Apaki did and what became of me that I’m now jeopardizing the one thing that makes my life worth living.
As I sit here wallowing in my self-misery, the surrounding ethereal beauty of my realm now appears dull to my sad eyes.
“Jartre? If you can hear me, we need to talk. Please?”
My head snaps up as I hear Gabriella’s gentle voice call my name and set my entire being ablaze. Although she’s so far away, her voice rings clear as a bell in my mind.
Not daring to waste another second, and desperate to see her again, I transport to her immediately. As I appear in her loft I am instantly bathed in her glorious scent as I see her sitting on her sofa, legs crossed in a cute, oversized t-shirt. My heart thunders like a violent storm as her glacial mint eyes look up at me, my chest tightening when I see the exhaustion surrounding them. She hasn’t slept. Fuck. I did this. I caused this sweet creature unrest.
As I step towards her, yearning to be near her, I freeze when another – just as familiar – scent reaches my senses. My eyes narrow, my fists clench, and my jaw ticks as I take in the scent of sunrise when the last leaf falls from the trees. A scent unfathomable to a human, but for a God, there are things we scent that a human couldn’t even begin to conjure in their mind.
“What was Ezillus doing here?” I question harshly through clenched teeth.
She blinks her bright eyes in surprise at me, “How did you know they were here?”
“Because their scent is all over the place. What the fuck were they doing here?” I begin to seethe.
Gabriella’s eyes turn hard, and her spine straightens, “I’ve warned you about using that tone with me. Your friend came to talk to me and see how I’m doing. They were being a friend. Or am I not allowed to have friends as well as exes now? Good thing all my family is dead, or I imagine they’d be excommunicated next,” she snaps acerbically, crossing her arms over her chest.
I wince at her words and her tone. I deserved that. She’s still angry, that much is clear. She was willing to speak to me and I’m already blowing it by picking a fight the moment I arrive. I really am my own worst enemy.
I take in a deep breath and slowly relax my posture. “I’m sorry,” I say sincerely. “It just took me by surprise. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way,” I say remorsefully.
She sighs and relaxes her arms. “You can’t tell me how much I mean to you and then speak to me like this. You can’t expect undying respect from me yet show me so little. It’s not fair. You said animais are meant to be equals. You’re not treating me like an equal.”
I lower my head in shame. Human or not, she’s right. I’ve been blessed with an incredible gift and I’m squandering just as badly as Oshmin did. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“I swear I do see you as my equal.”
“Well, you’re sure not acting like it,” she sighs.
I slowly walk over and kneel in front of her, but even kneeling I still tower over her, so I sit back on my heels.
“I keep hurting you and it’s the last thing I want,” I say in earnest, reaching my hands out for hers. To my relief, she takes my hands and places them in her lap, her thumbs brushing against the backs of my hands sending that glorious heat burning through my flesh.
“I know. I wanted to understand you. I could feel it in my bones that this behaviour… there had to be a reason for it. And now I know what that reason is,” she says reticently.
I look up to see the worry and concern in her eyes and I feel my heart drop to my stomach.
“What does that mean?” I ask arduously.
“I know about Apaki,” she says, attempting to hold my hands tighter.
Her words circle around my head to the point I swear the entire room starts to spin. Panic quickly makes way to anger, and I feel my eyes burning in their sockets as a thunderstorm rolls in, bringing with it torrential downpour, thunder, and lightning.
Betrayed. I’ve been betrayed again by someone I trusted.
“Ezillus,” I say, snarling their name like a curse.
“Jartre, please don’t be upset,” she begs.
I toss her hands away as I leap to my feet, pacing her tiny loft as I fist my hair at the roots. I’ll kill them! I’ll kill Ezillus for this.
I stumble when I feel delicate arms wrap around me. I look down to see Gabriella holding me tight like her life depends on it. I freeze in place, staring like some wild game avoiding an apex predator.
“I don’t hate you and I don’t think you’re a monster for what happened. I’m so sorry that someone you let into your heart hurt you like that. I know you’re in pain, and I know I can’t take that pain away, but I can be here for you if you let me. I’m not Apaki, and I know you’re scared, but I swear, I would never hurt you the way she did,” she vows, squeezing me with all her mortal strength.
I feel my heart shatter into pieces and tears fill my eyes as I slowly wrap my arms around her, holding her delicate frame like a life preserver.
“You don’t know what I’ve done…” I whisper agonisingly.
“I do,” she says, looking up at me and peering directly into my essram. “Ezillus told me everything. Not to hurt you, but to help you and I’m glad they did. I know it must feel like a betrayal, and you have every right to be angry, but maybe it was better this way. Now I understand why you did what you did and while it’s not okay, at least it makes sense. You loved, and that love was tainted by the person you gave it to. While I may have been cheated on, I can’t begin to understand your pain, but I want to. I want to be there for you. I don’t care how long it takes or how many walls I have to tear down, I’m not going anywhere,” she says vehemently.
I stare into her eyes, seeing nothing but sincerity shining in their minty depths. I want to take her words to heart, but how can I? She doesn’t truly know what she’s saying. I remove her arms from around me and walk away from her, desperately trying to put space between us, but still, I somehow feel her arms around me, like a phantom limb that won’t leave me be.
“You don’t understand what you’re saying. I killed the woman I loved,” I choke out, refusing to face her. “If I could do something like that to someone I would have given the world to, then what might I do to you?” I whisper in anguish, scrunching my eyes tight to keep the tears at bay.
“Are you afraid you’ll be my destruction, or do you fear that I’m yours?” she softly asks, yet in an assiduous manner.
“Both,” I confess.
“You don’t get it, do you? I’m not afraid of you, Jartre. You wanted to imprint yourself on my soul and you did. You wanted me to yearn for you and I do. No matter where I go or what I do, I can still feel you inside me. Feel your breath on my neck, your touch on my skin. I’m consumed by you and it’s driving me insane, and you don’t even seem to care. I wish I didn’t want you this much because I know when you break me, I’ll never put the pieces together again.”
“You think I’ll break you?” I choke out in a whisper, her words piercing me deeper and deeper embedding themselves into the core of my being.
“I know you will. The scary thing is that I want you to. I want you to break me into tiny pieces,” she says, her words almost pleading.
I shake my head fiercely. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yes, I do,” she says, coming to my side and placing her hand on my arm, forcing me to turn to look at her. I look down into bright, confident eyes and feel the air get stuck in my throat. “I’m yours to break, Jartre. So, shatter me.”
I suck in a breath as my heart beats ferociously, her eyes beseeching mine as she stands her ground bearing her all to me. She said she’s mine. Ezillus told her everything and she still wants me. She knows I am a wounded, tortured being and still she is choosing me. It is selfish to want something so pure, knowing I am already tainting her, but still, she’s choosing me, and I want to choose her. I choose her above all others. I would forsake all others, even this very Earth just to be the one to make her smile again.
I love her.