A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Fifty-Three

A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Fifty-Three
OSHMIN POV
As I appear inside my home I catch the subtle, somewhat faded scent of Yildiz and it causes me to lose every shred of my control. One by one I begin demolishing everything in my path. I grab the sofa and rip it in half with my bare hands as a scream of anguish echoes around the room. As my chest heaves, my eyes zero in on the dining table; images of the intimate moment Yildiz and I shared on it invading my mind and tormenting me. It was right there where I told her I loved her. It was right there she surrendered herself to me in a way no one else has, and how did I repay her? Lies and deceit.

I storm over to the table and slam my fists down on it causing it to split in two. My anger still not satisfied, I take the two broken halves and hurl them through the glass window. The two broken pieces fly off into the distance never to be seen again as the glass wall that makes up the front of my home shatters into pieces in front of me. How apt. A perfect depiction of my life right now. Another stupid mistake and now everything is shattering and falling to pieces around me. Again.

Just earlier today I looked around at this place with so much happiness, because now suddenly so much of my home was filled with memories and images of Yildiz that brought an instant smile to my face, but now they’re just painful reminders of what I’ve lost, and I have no one to blame but myself. Yildiz will never visit this place again and will never call it home. I can’t even call it home now. She’ll probably never want to see me again; I’m sure rejection is imminent.

I make my way upstairs to my bedroom and the moment I do, Yildiz’s scent hits me even harder. Her sweet vanilla and orchid scent clings to my bedsheets as if it’s woven into the very fabric. I stare down at the bed and all I can think about is laying there holding Yildiz in my arms, and suddenly all the fight goes out of me leaving only despair behind. I slowly sit down on the bed and pull the sheets up to my nose and inhale the scent I’ve come to love. Smelling it causes an ache to spread through my very being as an emptiness grows within me. I never had those feelings when I was with Yildiz. She made me feel whole. She made me feel complete and in return, I broke her. I ripped out her heart, but unlike any time I’ve done so in the past, this was far worse.

What have I done? Of all the mistakes I have made in my long existence, this one is by far the worst. The look of hurt and betrayal on Yildiz’s face is burned into my mind, worse was, I could feel an echo of it moving through me. She lay in my arms in this very bed and practically begged me not to lie to her. She told me it was a hard limit for her and still, I said nothing and now look at the result. I broke the heart of the woman I love, the woman I would move heaven and hell for. How do I ever begin to win her trust back when it’s so badly broken? Jartre was right, ultimately the person who hurt Yildiz the worst was me.

I hang my head in my hands and let the tears fall down my face, but I don’t feel worthy of them. I have no right to cry after what I’ve done. Quickly the atmosphere in my room changes and the scent of stars and sunshine wafts my way.

“Have you come to gloat?” I ask between sobs.

“I gloat about many things, but this won’t be one of them,” Morrtemis says as she takes a seat beside me on the bed and wraps her arm around my shoulders.

“I’ve fucked up so bad.”

“I won’t argue with you there, though I’m very tempted to say, ‘I told you so’.”

“Do it, I deserve it.”

“I don’t like to kick people when they’re down, it’s just cruel and unnecessary,” she says as she gently strokes my hair. “You’ve always been like a little brother to me, Oshmin, and like a little brother you can be a stupid pain in my ass sometimes. But right now I’m just going to be here for you because I know it’s what you need. I don’t need to tell you what a mess you’ve made, you’re already well aware.”

“She’ll never forgive me. I lied to her; I should have just told her the truth when I had the chance. She was right, I didn’t hide my identity from Mei, if anything I hid my curse from her because I didn’t want to frighten her,” I sigh.

“Begs the question, why did you maintain this Osiah identity with Yildiz? I understand why you have done so with the sanguidaes, but with your animai? It was stupid and with each passing moment you were only digging yourself a deeper hole and I know you’re smarter than this, so why?” she asks in confusion.

“Because of how she made me feel,” I sigh, “When I was with her, the way she would look at me even though she couldn’t see me, the way she spoke to me and the way she touched me… I wasn’t Oshmin the God of Life and Death, and I wasn’t Osiah, the first Sanguidae. I was just her animai. I was just the other half of her essram and that’s all she wanted me to be and when I was with her that’s all I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be a God who fell from grace or a cursed monster. I just wanted to be the man she loved,” I say sorrowfully as tears slip down my cheeks, “She made me happier than I ever felt I had a right to be. I wanted my world to start and end with her. I wanted to forget the past, forget my failures and responsibilities and just be hers.”

Morrtemis sighs, “While it was the wrong call, I get it. You’ve suffered in ways none of us can comprehend. Your life of simplicity became filled with pain and suffering, and no one walks away from that unchanged. What Jartre did changed you and I don’t mean the curse. It changed how you saw yourself; it changed your view of the world. You used to look upon the world and everyone in it with such wonder and excitement, and Jartre took that from you. Yildiz gave it back and you just wanted to hold onto it.” She rests her chin on my shoulder and gently rubs my back, “We may be Gods, but we have thoughts and feelings just like any human. We too can make mistakes.”

“I don’t know if I can fix this one,” I say in defeat.

“Do you still love her?”

My head snaps to her, her words offending me to the core. None of this changes how I feel. Just because I fucked up doesn’t mean I have stopped loving Yildiz. I can’t imagine I day will come when I’ll ever stop loving her. “Of course, I do. How can you even ask me such a question?”

“If you still love her then win her back. You’re both immortal, you have all the time in the world. So even if it takes a hundred years, don’t give up. It’s time you remembered who you are. You are the God of Life and Death, and it’s time you took back control of your life. If you want Yildiz then fight for her with everything you have and don’t give up. As long as she doesn’t reject you, you have a chance. So fight, no matter how long it takes,” she says passionately.

“I don’t know where to start,” I sigh.

“Start with ‘I’m sorry’, it’s not much and probably won’t fix things, but it’s still important she hears you say it and knows you mean it.”

“If I go to her now she’ll only send me away, and I don’t think I can stomach seeing the hurt on her face again,” I say, wincing as the image of it fills my mind. She was beyond devastated. “You know what makes this even worse?”

“That it was avoidable?”

I narrow my eyes at her but quickly sigh. I have no right to be offended, she’s entirely right. This could all have been avoided. “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

“Oh. Well, what were you going to say?”

“She was already suffering, and I made it worse. Every day she grieves for her sister. Every day I was with her I’d catch her crying or staring off into space and I didn’t have to read her mind to know who she was thinking of. Jartre was torturing her, and nearly killing her because of me, and then she loses someone she loved with her whole heart,” I say as tears fill my eyes, “And even then I couldn’t grace her with the truth. She’s right, I’m a coward. I added to her pain. I should have just told her everything instead of omitting things and telling half-truths. I could have freed her of at least one burden, and I didn’t because I was selfish. She has every right to hate me,” I say in desolation as I wipe the tears from my face.

Morrtemis sighs and leans back on her hands as she stares up through the glass ceiling. “Sometimes I wonder if the good we’ve done was actually any good. Maybe we should have just minded our own business.”

“If this is your idea of a pep talk it needs some work.”

“Oshmin, I created an entire species that since their creation thousands of years ago have either declared war on one another, forced their own kind into slavery, treated women like breeders and slaves, and formed their own patriarchy. I did none of that, but I blessed them with power to save their lives and thank them for their kindness and it’s like that power corrupted them. It just gave them new ways to hurt each other,” she says with a deep frown on her face.

“As you once told me, you’re not to blame for their actions. You saved them and blessed them, yes, but they already had those influences in their lives. If humans choose to use the gifts you gave them for evil that’s their choice. It’s their free will. It’s not a reflection on you. And why are we suddenly talking about you? I thought you were meant to be helping me,” I huff.

She smiles softly, “My point is, I live with the guilt of what my children have become and continue to hope they’ll see the light because I don’t know how to help them. But you’re not me. You have always been proactive. You always try to think of how you can help others. When you were cursed, you saw the devastation it caused and instead of putting these cursed people out of their misery, you helped them rebuild. You gave them their lives back and took care of them. When you saw the darkness that was corrupting the nagata and causing such pain and turmoil, you didn’t turn a blind eye. You went to Zarseti, and you begged for a solution; a way to save them all.”

“And she’s still pissed at me for asking for that favour. She loves to bring it up,” I say, rolling my eyes.

Morrtemis chuckles, “It was ballsy, I’ll give you that, but she agreed. She agreed because she saw the good it would do in the long run. The most I’ve done for my children was to give them the ability to help others and themselves and the ability to fight off evil should the time come. You have done far more for those you have created than any of us. So I know without a doubt you will make this right. You won’t roll over and let this be. You will find a way to fix this, and you won’t stop until you do.”

“I think you have too much faith in me,” I argue.

“Oh? Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to do everything in your power to set this right? To mend Yildiz’s broken heart?” she says, leaning forward, looking me dead in the eyes.

As I look into her liquid silver eyes, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she’s right. It will kill me if Yildiz rejects me, but I’d accept her wishes. But until that day comes, I won’t give up. I will grovel and beg and walk through fire to be with her again. I will endure endless torture if it would make Yildiz smile again. Whatever it takes, I will atone for my sins. I will do whatever Yildiz asks of me until I have proven that I can be worthy of her trust and her love.

“I didn’t think so,” Morrtemis smirks.

“Thank you, for always having my back even when I don’t deserve it,” I say sincerely, taking her hand in mine and giving it a tight squeeze.

“Oshi, we are a crazy and dysfunctional family, but I wouldn’t trade any of you,” she says brightly, kissing my cheek, “So, what’s the first step?”

I take in a deep breath and slowly exhale, “For now I give her space. I’ve hurt her and me showing up at her door right now isn’t fair to her. She has been given far too much to process and me being around will only make it harder. So I’ll give her time, but when that time has ended, I’m fighting to get my woman back. Whatever it takes,” I say fervently.

“WOOHOO!” Morrtemis screams, throwing her arms in the air, “Let the fight for true love begin!”

“You’re an idiot,” I deadpan.

“Takes one to know one,” she says poking her tongue at me. She’s right though. The fight for my true love has just begun. It’s a hard road ahead, but Yildiz is worth it. She will always be worth it.