I feel empty.
I don't want to do anything. I just want to remain on my bed. However, another person reeks in my room. I push myself up and scan my room with my sleepy blurry vision. It's the thief sitting-pretty beside the table while reading a book for mages. Acro is on the table too. Another thing that astonishes me is the pile of gifts beside my bed.
It's not my birthday!
"You're finally awake," Zaeramil said, dropping the book on the table, then sitting on the chair like horseback riding to face me.
"How long have I been asleep?" Hunger must be the reason why I feel empty.
"Only 10 hours, I guess."
"Then how come you say 'finally'?" I sigh and scratch my messy hair.
"Because I'm bored."
"You're bored because you're here. Why are you here?"
He caresses his finger on Acro's breast. "I'm still interested in your owl."
"Traitor..." I cast my eyes upon the gifts again, lift my butt out of the bed, then poke about it. "What are these?"
"A doggo culture," he says, "they give offerings for their new Alpha as a sign of submissiveness or to esteem you. Feel godly yet?"
I made my first smile today. What a cute tradition. Even if it's inside wrapped boxes—with a variety of sizes—I can tell it's something pleasing to my appetite due to the scent. One tiny box contains a single piece of white cookie and my face is carved on it. I'm sure the kids made it. Most of the offerings are gold, fruits of their harvest, and tiny souvenirs. I'm not expecting this!
"Hey," the thief speaks again, "why were you unconscious on the field outside? Aren't you curious about what happened? Your owl leads us to your whereabouts. If the watchdogs didn't find you, you're frozen to death right now. If it wasn't because of the letter, they wouldn't. What were you doing there last night?"
The letter is gone from the table where I left it. It turns out to be complicated but I won't back out. Come what may. "Stargazing. Meditation. I strolled to relax my mind until I fell asleep," I replied while still reviewing the gifts.
"Absurd. Everyone believes you attempted to leave last night."
"It's a mass misunderstanding."
"Make sure to clear things up."
"Sure." I tossed a tiny souvenir to him and he almost missed. "Take it and leave."
"No, thanks," he drops it in front of Acro, "I'm not interested."
"Cut to the chase."
He fell silent for the following seconds. Finally, he rings his loud sigh. "Fine! Are you going to reject Sherizzah as your Luna or not? Will you be interested in her too in some circumstances in the future?"
"Too?"
"Answer the question!"
I chuckle at him while shaking my head. "I'm not interested in her. However, I'm the Alpha and she's the fated Luna. Ultimately, I might be compelled to like her. Besides, I am the Alpha and I have the authority to change traditions including that marital system."
"You will do that?"
"I just thought about it." I shrug. "But I don't think it's necessary."
"..." He picks up the book again, then walks away. "I see. Your answer was quite indirect. In case you ever chose to follow the norm, I hope you cherish her." And he left.
I shook my head again along with a smirk. "Loverboy." Acro perches on my shoulder to meddle with my gifts. Gladly, I found a pellet for her among the offerings. When I feed her a piece, the door opens again and Zaeramil appears.
He exclaims, "Hey! Can't you really remember her!?"
"Her? Who's her?"
"Ugh! This sucks!" He left again.
"That idiot, he should've mentioned the name to make it clear," I mutter with Acro.
I changed to winter clothes for today's funeral ceremony. The whole pack gathered outside, beside the lake where I watched fireworks. Even though the sky is showering quite an amount of snow, it didn't postpone the tears of the grieving pack. We watch the fire devour Alpha Shio's body until the very last spark of flame.
Some of the she-wolves accumulate the ashes in a bucket and pour it on the lake—their modern lake for those who died. The name of Alpha Shio will forever be carved on one of the gravestones and in the hearts of these werewolves.
Gazing at the lake, I have my hands at the back and holding onto the cuff bracelet. It's not Alpha Shio's death that makes me feel empty. Feelings of dissatisfaction are all over my chest. Or maybe I'm in the depths of denial. Cados stands beside me in a way I do. "Uhm, I apologize I'm not sure what to address you at the moment. The Luna summons you." He made gestures for directions. "Please, this way."
Luna Maia is sheltering under a tree with her family, Sherizzah is there as well. She's looking firm towards the lake to avoid my glance. And I respect that. I bow my head to them. Luna Maia requested privacy for us and all the uninvited complied. The silence makes the beginning suspenseful. She pulled out an opened letter in her thick cloak—which has the same brooch as my coat—and gave it to me, it's the letter I made.
She commences with a question, "You're sure about leaving Asfara?"
"Yes."
"When will you be back?"
"I cannot tell." I hid the letter in my coat.
"It's ridiculous... and insulting to leave without assurance, especially that you're the Alpha." She speaks with her chin up, abrasive and daring, unlike the first time we've met. Perhaps it's the mental side effect of the death of her beloved. "In fact, you're our unofficial Alpha. The current Alphas must declare the formal promotion, Lunas are allowed to do the same in the absence of the Alpha.
"Therefore, I am still the highest. Permission for you to stay or leave comes from me." She puts her hands in front of her abdomen, forming her stance to dictate her cruel opinion, "I have no idea what my Alpha saw in you to choose you. But from what I'm seeing, you're not fit for this. You don't deserve to be our Alpha yet.
"You came here not for the pack but only for the pond. Your heart is in the culture of humans. You're not familiar with the common natures and traditions of werewolves. You lack the dedication to sacrifice yourself for the calling passed upon you. You... I can't be confident to leave the Moon's Order pack under your leadership."
"I appreciate your honesty." I lock my eyes straight onto her. "It's true that I lack the majority of what it takes to be an Alpha. I need more time to learn about those. Unless there's a male wolf you nominate, the one who can defeat me? It's understandable that you're full of doubts and questions. You may doubt me, but will you doubt me still if it is the Moon Goddess's will?
"I would like to be honest with thee, too. I want to decline Alpha Shio's proposal. But when I witness the pain of the whole pack since he died, 'twas hard... and heartless of me if I did. I didn't accept being chosen because of pity. But because of the thought that if not me, then who else? I've seen the crisis outside. I've seen the crisis here. Who else did?
"I don't want to close my mind with only Moon's Order custom. And I don't want to close my mind to human culture either. I want to be fair, and unbiased. I want to lead this pack to what I believe is better."
"..." She gently touches my arms, a partial embrace. "Your principles... are out of the box. Unfortunately, kindness is not enough."
"It is respectfully thy formal decision to elect me as the new Alpha. Whatever it may be, my decision remains the same," I repeated.
She diverted her face before the exhales, the dew's visibility heightened, then she looked at me again. "You're right. And this is my decision. You are not allowed to leave until I've formally declared you the official Alpha."
"But when—"
"And... until you married my daughter." Then she took her hand off me.
I slid my lower lip in between my teeth and gulped. "About the marriage... I beg you to think twice about it. I mentioned it in my letter."
"And I didn't mention anything that I agreed with. If you don't want my daughter, then I shall give you shes to impregnate and multiply your seeds. No romantic involvement, for propagation only. The only way for you to increase is to be with your own kind. And I will not allow this opportunity to slip from me. In contrast, I shall not elect you as the next Alpha."
That's freaking worse! She proposes I marry her daughter in 2 dirty conditions.
"Once you become our pack's Alpha, the whole pack will be with you throughout the operation. You may protect us. But as our Alpha, we will protect you as well."
"..." I nod my head. "I appreciate it."
"I'm looking forward to your era." Those were her words before she left.
I lean my right shoulder on the tree, then release all the stuck breath in me. "My goddess!!" That was the boldest conversation I had had in my entire life! There's too much weight on my shoulder now! The whole pack has their eyes on me from now on. It is, somehow, exciting!
In front of the stone, I fell on my knees and my claws on the stone. I stare at the carved name of Rossy.
She could be the missing piece of why I've been feeling empty. I lean my forehead onto her name and slowly scratch the stone. If only I didn't leave them behind in the past... the moon wouldn't have mated me to a dead. I grope for my bite mark… It was her, the apparition underwater. My days weren’t the same ever since that night. She led me back home.
But she isn’t home anymore.
I want her but the thought of being with her doesn't suffice my emptiness. I can't understand myself. I've been worrying about the wrong thing. Sherizzah isn't my mate after all. But because of the situation of my real mate, I'm afraid things must still go on according to the nobles' wishes.
I mourn in front of the stone, silently, and let the snow cover my head as I remember Rossy every minute with the memories we had. She could've seen this future, the reason why she carved our names.
I've come to understand that the emptiness I'm feeling comes from the demands of the mate bond. The moon must be kidding me. I desire warmth that I've had before. I need my mate. I need my other half. It makes me hungry for things I cannot have. It makes me starve for a body I've already tasted.
A week has passed for the mourning of the whole pack. I've endured countless hours of emptiness and cravings. I'm on the bleak path of losing my mind when I approach the Luna privately inside her room.
"I accept your second condition," I professed. "Just make sure the females you will assign are willing to observe the rules. No romantic involvement. Make this highly confidential. It's completely understandable if the gossip permeates in the future. And above all, don't force them into this."
"I have chosen the ones who're interested in you. All of them are untouched. You shall not know their names nor their faces. This will serve only as a commission. You will train your seeds at their age of accountability. Their lives will be full of purposes. That has been the order of the moon ever since the beginning."
"No. Let them live with their birth giver. That is the limit of this condition." I made that clear before I walked away. The doorknob is in my reach when she questions,
"Why didn't you choose my daughter?"
"..." I glanced at her. "Frankly, I don't want to ruin a relationship."
☪ ✧ ✧
The following nights are fueled with burning pleasure. I come into different private rooms in the palace with different females. I'm not sure if I can bear the consequences nor if it will fill my emptiness. A teenage she-wolf was surprised to see me and timidly greeted me. Her face is covered with a mask. She and the bed smell sweet. Very submissive and soft. I gave in easily. She strips all my cover and I swimmingly had sex with her. Her body didn't satisfy me in the end.
Nevertheless, I madly need warmth. And I struggled to find that in different females. The female on my second night is the most seductive. I was enthralled with the figure of her body and she was doing perfectly to please my body. I thought she was only interested in me, not to have a child. No matter how many times I kiss her neck and bosom, something is always insipid. My hands weren't satisfied with her texture.
The third night is the wildest wherein the Luna brought me into a room of 2 females. I play along with their tickling nails and dominate them one after another. It almost ends up getting aroused.
I make love with 5 virgin females in this pack, aggressive and passionate as always with their bodies. But it feels like drinking a bunch of water and none quenched my intense thirst. Hearsays are crawling throughout the ears of Asfara about me having sex with several females, how I taste good, and how I disrespect my fate with Sherizzah.
I turned off every light in the room—except the light coming from the moon, staring at myself in front of the mirror but other than myself, I'm seeing imaginary lustful hands crawling throughout my body. The face of my master during the days of my slavery is there too and I heard her again say, "Tender eyes... plumpy lips... You're going to be a gorgeous lad one day!"
I slashed the mirror out of the blue. I became the person I never wanted to be. The bitterness of my past is binding me again. The longer I stay here, the more repulsive I become. My sanity is dying. Nothing helped to make me forget her.
I want my mate back.